- Member Since 2nd Dec, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 14th, 2017
spideremblembrony
Hey, guys, got a story you need reviewed? Well, feel free to send me a private message with the story you want reviewed and I will give you a review as soon as I can.
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Jajaja cookie CRISP
clever
clever
3878292
Oh dear god, that name...
3896051 You mean, the vengeance without the 'a'.
3896053 no, cookie crisp. Im not going to read the story, but you earned a thumb up for making my next 5 minutes.
3896067 At this point, I'll take what I can get. So, thank you!
i2.pinger.pl/pgr119/1b12a1d20004f6ab520be2c9
Oh. My. God.
you wrote a chapter with less than 4000 words. Are you feeling okay? Lol, jk.
That was, well not gonna say good only because child abuse is a touchy subject, but it was well written.
3896565 Yeah, I know.
3896565 Thanks for the feedback.
3896574 No problem. I'll take a look at the new chapter after work. I have some other stuff to do before hand.
3896625 No problem. No hurry.
3896628 I do have something I may ask you to look at soon. Maybe. It's not Marvel related, so I'd like a fair opinion of the first chapter before I post it.
3896664 Of course. We can take this to a PM if you would feel more comfortable.
3896700 Oh sorry. I'm not won yet, but it's rolling a little faster now, so I may finish it later after work.
3896798 No worries. Take your time.
3946480 I'm glad.
It's a good story so far, but you're kinda dragging it out a bit. Having 3 chapters without the hook is kinda pushing it.
4016978 Thanks for the heads up. I'll try to get something going for the next chapter.
Interest: piqued.
My only experience with Ghost Rider came through Nicholas Cage
, so this feels pretty fresh.
4498617 Thank you. I hope you enjoy it.
God dammit nickels cage
4748800 I had just watched the NC chew that movie out and that's what brought me here
4884340 I was pretty shocked at how the NC's review turned out a Ghost Pony Rider character, a mere week after I posted this story.
I think it should be lay, not lied
5108876 Ah, I see.
Consider it changed. Thank you for catching that.
This story hasn't actually gotten to what it's about
5111678 Yeah, still a work in progress. Slow updates due to interest in other stories. Hopefully, we'll see an update by the end of next month.
5113473 that's a good reason
Did Hades and his sons are related to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna? I mean... as their uncle.
5158612 Not in this continuity.
Shut up tears, go away! Sorry about that. Very good chapter. Sorry it took me this long to read it.
6102213 Thanks for reading it! I hope to update soon. But you know how it is.
This has lots of spoilers do don't look at it until you have read the story first.
I happen to like Ghost Rider, so this should be an interesting read for me.
I take it that one of the two would hit her if she put up a fuss. I can't say how many times I have been through that in my past when I was little. It doesn't take much to get a parent to hit a kid. All it takes is for one to get annoyed by the kid. Be it the mother or father.
OK, that is not good, not that any of it was to begin with.
So it is the father that hits her, and it is the mother that has to console her daughter after each fight.
The father is likely an angry drunk. Though one does not have to be a drunk to be an angry, out of control dick. I just assume he is a drunk, it would fit.
Now this is creepy. Makes me wonder if the mother is okay.
Now I am wondering if her mother is dead. It would not surprise me.
Just as I thought, an angry drunk. When will people learn. Though it is not a matter of people learning, they just don't care, and drinking helps them to care less.
I hate this. It takes a real man to get drunk and take out his frustration on a defenseless little girl. Sick thing is, it happens far too often. Far too often!
I said before, I dislike people drinking. Many would say, as an adult they have a right to it. Yes, until one loses control do to the drinking.
I have had a friend at school die of alcohol poisoning while at a party. A friend I met that worked at a Radioshack was hit and killed by a drunk driver. Another friend has an abusive brother that hits his wife while drunk. A relative lost his job and home and almost lost his kid do to his drinking. This is but a very small list on my many grips on the issue. Few seem to care about those issues enough to stop drinking.
So to end the first chapter, we have no idea who this little girl is, but we do know she has had a shitty childhood do to a drunk father.
Reminds me of the first story on the site I read. Rainbow Dash's mother walked out on her and left her behind to deal with her drunk father instead of the mother taking her little one. Though the mother in that story gave a reason for abandoning her daughter. the mother was a Unicorn, and her drunk husband made her hate the pegasi. Since Rainbow Dash is a pegasus, she was left behind. So sad.
OK, now I got an image of a cartoon dog howling, "Cookie Crisp!" in a cereal commercial.
At first I thought that the nurse had waked out stealing her jacket, but there is nothing there to indicate that. The nurse is just finally getting it out of the back room to return it.
She is starting to remind me of someone in my story. Just a little so far. One with a bad reputation, do to the influence by the wrong crowd she was hanging with. She later learned better of her past actions by some true friends that did care for her.
Now I am almost certain the friend she spoke of is Fluttershy, though the name has yet to be given.
OK, I know Fluttershy has some paranoias about other ponies, but what could this be about?
With as kind and caring of an individual Fluttershy is, I should say so.
This I would like to know as well. If it is Fluttershy, what would be so important that she is of such interest to an investigator?
Wow, she screwed over some guy by getting him to steal for her, and wonders why he is not arrested, while the guy has an influential father? At least she acknowledges that this is likely the reason why. Though with knowing that Crumble has such a father, why would she use him like that? One would think she would know it would get her in trouble with the wrong ponies. There is more to this then what I have seen so far. I know it!
Well, that was nice.
And I think- "came to the table" would look better.
Yes, none of it makes sense without all the given details, and some missing. That is why it is called a "Mystery!" Ooooo.
So the plot thickens, I think. Still yet to know who that pink maned yellow pony is. That too it seems will remain a mystery. For now.
Not long into it, we have yet another mystery. I so do love a mystery, and this story is starting to become full of them.
And yet, more and more mysteries. I get the feeling that this story is to be a mystery story. Just guessing.
So first she stops a thief, and in the same moment she is being one? I guess she felt she needed what might be in that purse more than that other guy. Now that is how one take advantage of a situation.
At least Cookie knows the score, and does not wish her ways to rub off on the little one, though from what the little one did see, it is not such a bad thing for one to admire.
I am thinking these bits fell out during the struggle and had not been noticed till now. Though with her current situation, and it is not the right thing to do, it is at least understandable as to why she doesn't grab the attention of the other pony and return the bits. Rather than taking them for herself. Even an honest person would be tempted while in her situation. But be tempted only.
It can be a hard life. Temptations make it all that much harder.
And there we have it. Finally by the next chapter we find it was Fluttershy.
Humm... But now, that only brings up more question. Funny that. It is said the more we know, the more questions we have. I would say that in part that this is one of the reasons that ignorance is bliss. The less we have on our mind, the less we have to think about, or worry about.
Leaders would love their subjects to think less about their situations and just do what they are told, and not question, or think to much, unless that thinking can serve the leader somehow. An ignorant subject can be made into a more loyal and obedient subject.
Now I am just rambling, and this has nothing to do with this story.
Sorry, moving on!
OK!!! I think this story has been merged with the Power Ponies story. Seeing that this is about a comic book character to begin with, Fluttershy can be her hulking self at times. Why not?
This is again starting to sound a little like something within my story. How Plunk (a bad pony in her past) met Dazzle (a nice and caring pony). And that Dazzle saved Plunk's life.
Not the same story at all, but a little similar at that.
Well, Dazzle (despite how nice she is) can be a little monster at times, though not to that extent!
Fully reading the rest of this paragraph I am guessing by monster, you are speaking of the one in Cookie, and not the hulk monster in Fluttershy. Again, just guessing. ???
I might also be confusing myself in all of this, but with all that was said so far, and some it a bit vague to me as to who has the hulk form, I could also guess that it is Cookie that turns into the hulk. This would mean that it is Cookie's father and mother who is dead, and not Fluttershy's parents. It does not directly say. So I am for the moment until some further reading know as to who has the hulk form. Cookie, or Fluttershy? It would make more sense if it was Fluttershy with the hulk form. And is the problem in question that caused so much trouble, the Hulk at all, or was it the Ghost Rider? Or even either one? Was it something else entirely? This also brings up the question of, was Fluttershy controlling the monster within herself, or the one Cookie could turn into? I am so confused!
I guess I will figure that out later. Just another mystery within this story.
I maybe wrong, but I am guessing that by "Fluttershy going green" doesn't mean she has taken a walk in the woods to lose herself, but that she is the one that turns into the hulk. That still leaves me with finding out what creature it was that Fluttershy was in control of and saved everyone from that day, by Fluttershy somehow reasoning with it. I am also guessing that she did it without going hulk. Though that would be funny.
Cookie turning into the Ghost Rider and then Fluttershy changing shortly after, while saying to Cookie, "Stop scaring all the nice little ponies, Or Fluttershy will Smash!" Then Fluttershy does her reasoning to Cookie with some over-sized hooves. Yes, it would be a day to remember.
Again, some of Cookie's past reminds me a little of Plunk's past. She was doing wrong, and she knew it, she did it to feel accepted by those she hung out with, just to be with someone that would let her live as freely as she wished. Though this living was not as free as she let herself believe. There would be a price to pay for it all, and it was the price that her mother was trying to protect her from with the strict rules she had. The rules that drove Plunk off in the first place. It is a vicious cycle.
This too is much of the same for Plunk and how she felt, mostly after she got to know Dazzle. She regret her past after seeing what having a real friend who cares was like. She knew after that, she was blind and ignorant as to what a real family was like, even though she did have one. She just didn't see family as that. It was the feel of false freedom that blinded her. She found out that there is no such thing as living free, not the way she thought it was. And this so called freedom, was not worth the price in the end.
Exactly the same it was for Plunk. They helped make her into the pony she became before coming to Ponyville. She was just that desperate to have some friends. She did not see by living that way she was not free. They controlled her and had manipulated her. But in a way that made her feel she was getting what she wanted. There was also the allure of the excitement they gave in what they got her to be doing. The excitement she did not get at home with her mother around. And that was part of the control her not so good friends had over her.
Funny how a person can be made to do something by making them feel it is something that they could do rather than telling them it is something they should do. Far less people wish to be told what to do, but it is a boost to one's ego to be made to feel they could do it then ask them to show off for you.
Go ahead, tell a person to jump off a cliff. How did that work?
Now show them how to do it in a safe way. Tell them how easy it is, and that they could do it. Then ask them to jump, while adding only a coward and loser wouldn't do something so easy. Now it is no longer an order, but a challenge to one's abilities and self pride. Which way do you think will get more to jump for you? The given order, or given challenge?
That was the type of thinking Plunk while being so young was up against. She could not understand their way of controlling her. Her mother did not understand this herself, even though she was the adult and parent.
Just because one is a parent, does not mean a parent knows how to raise their own child. For some parents, even those with good intentions, can fall short in knowing how to handle their own child. That is why such shows as Supernanny became sort of necessary to clueless parents. And each child is different. With me being the youngest of three siblings, raised within the same house, we are each so different from each other.
Somehow... Just, somehow Dazzle knew how to control her like her other friends did. Dazzle never told her what to do. She just accepted her, and let her find out for herself what she could do on her own, and how she could think better, with just a little guidance and encouragement. Something Plunk's mother just didn't do, or know how to do in the way Dazzle did.
I guess you could say, I know how Cookie could have fallen in with the wrong crowd. I also have a cousin that was going to join a street gang.
He had some to do as well. One was to wait in a alleyway. Once a person walked by, he was to stab this random person then run. Just to see if he would do it, and be able to get away with doing it without getting caught. I told him that was such a pussy thing to do. To stab a random stranger that did not see it coming then run! And what if the person happen to be dangerous? Like someone military? And by stabbing him only pissed him off? What do you think he would do to you, if he grabbed you, and the knife after? To my knowledge he gave up on joining that or any other gang. That was about 18 years ago, and he is still alive today. Amazing!
OK, Back to your story.
So Cookie had a car stolen to help a friend. Fluttershy I assume. Makes me wonder how a stolen car is going to help a flying pony that can turn into a hulk?
So I will continue reading.
Just read it stupid, than you might learn something!
Yes, many jobs are like that unfortunately. Like the one I work at.
Funny, (or not so funny, take your pick) I had a very similar situation happen to me once. Long story.
The short of it is, I am working there again, partly do to the fact that at the time they needed more workers, and they knew I was very good at my job. I got hired back at higher then starting pay, and that was after being away for two years. The boss though I was worth the extra pay. Even though he fired me in the past.
Yes, that is what I would like to know. As I asked earlier, what was the purpose in that?
As do I. Good thing that this is a comic book plot.
Then again, it might have worked if she did give him her half-ass explanation. Though instead-
And that is where she failed in this. He had nothing from her to go by, nor even anything ridiculous he might have been able to consider.
FAILURE!
Sorry, moving on.
And that was what she should have told Stan. At least to start with.
Why am I being tortured with not knowing what happened?
Progress. Hard progress, but progress just the same.
I take it that this was just before, but around the time the picture of Fluttershy, Crumble Bristle, and herself that was shown to her in chapter two? So we are visiting the past? Maybe now I will get some answers.
Like her mother, that walked out on her years ago and left this poor little filly to deal with an angry drunk on her own?
No. That couldn't be the one.
It was as dry as the parched dirt being dug into for a soon to be dead pony, dying of thirst.
I think you may have meant, "how gravely dry her mouth was."
Like a little filly having to survive the wrath of a drunk stallion on her own, and having to deal with abandonment issues from her mother she loved so much. A mother that was once a comfort for her, that just walked away.
Now we are getting somewhere. I knew it couldn't be her mother that she was talking about when she said Fluttershy was like something familiar. Someone special in her past. Though her mother was to a point, for a little while, until the abandonment.
Like she had anything to do with it. Then again, I don't really know Celestia's role in this comic book world. She might be a tyrant bitch in it, for all I know.
I would like to know who this special pony is that took care of her after her mother left. And why Cookie felt the need to leave her for some rag tag biker gang. It is rather kooky. I think I will call her Kooky for now on while reading.
No, I can't do that. Not because it is mean or anything like that, but I can't stop laughing long enough to get through the next paragraph while thinking of that name. I mean, it is in three different parts within the following paragraph. I just can't pay attention to what was written while looking at that. It's just too kooky.
OK, so I have an odd sense of humor.
Yes. So does a lot of other people, get in line.
So give that stallion another beer!
Tense much?
First she is cursing her, now she is praising her. What did Celestia do? Maybe she is not the bitch in this story I thought she might be.
Now we have a name to this wonderful pony. Wonderful!
And a wonderful reunion too boot.
"It's getting better all the time! Getting, so much, better, all the time!"
So I happen to like the Bee Gees.
So did I. A pony after my own heart.
And make a dead, dry, parched pony.
She is definitely sounds like a good mother. I wonder if she had any kids of her own?
Also getting back to a past comment Cookie made.
I get the feeling from this that Cookie has yet to become the Ghost Rider once. So it makes me wonder just what was it that Fluttershy did in the past when she saved the entire city of Las Pegasus, twice? Did she save it from Cookie as the Ghost Rider, or from herself?
I re-read that and I can't find anything that states what Fluttershy saved everyone from. But I now got the feeling that she did indeed do it in her hulk form. That much I am now sure of, And I no longer think it had anything to do with anything Cookie may have done as the Ghost Rider, or having anything to do with Cookie at all. Something else entirely. Just not stated yet. But yes, I am definitely sure Fluttershy was a hero as the hulk in those two moments.
Getting back to the present.
Dam, after all these years and the very memory of him can still bring her to tears.
Yea, that is like saying cooking is for woman. Many a chefs would laugh at such a statement. And International House Of Pancakes would laugh at Cookie's statement. Maybe there is no IHOP in her world.
I think- "if she knew that she was thinking about him." or "if she knew who she was thinking about." Either one looks better to me.
What the Hades is her problem with pancakes? You would think adults never ate them, or enjoyed them.
But she is never too old for some good old fashioned pancakes. Her excitement at the thought of getting some now, practically proves that.
I am getting the feeling that the shadowy figure was not of her father, but someone else. The Devil perhaps? As usual, I am just guessing. Further reading may help.
Now I am sure it was her father. Though "Him" was the name of that Devil guy in the Power Puff Girls cartoon. But I don't think it was that "him." That would just be silly.
Great! We are still going with "him." Who is "him?"
"I need to know! I need to know. Come on baby girl because I need to know."
Yes, I am sure it is her father.
I know what that is like.
Now we get a first glimpse at a Ghost Rider. I think. That is if Sapphire is a Ghost Rider, and Master is the Devil. Also from what I gather, it seem obvious that Sapphire is Cookie's mother. And that she had a hoof in getting Cookie away from her father and in the care of Peachbottom. And seeing that Sapphire is working for a Master, what she did when she walked out might not have been a matter of some simple abandonment on her part. She might have left Cookie to protect her from what she got herself into with her Master. Interesting that her Master is upset with her for helping Peachbottom get Cookie.
You also have a small shift with a period in your first sentence. "an object fell into her hooves .She looked down"
I think you meant, "front leg"
Not to be a nitpicker, but I think this could be shortened and look a bit nicer if written-
"For the first time in her life, Cookie started to cry because she was happy."
The first way almost starts to suggest to me that she had never cried before then, and that her first was do to being happy. By the way the first sentence ends, and the next one follows, it looks that way.
The way I suggest, to me, dispels that illusion right away. All within one sentence.
It could be seen as just a matter of preference however.
It would be great if a person's first time crying was do to joy, and not some sort of pain.
But seeing that a doctor tends to slap a newborn on the ass to get it crying to induce it into taking it's first breath. For many pain brings their first bit of crying. And one can't help that.
Well, after all that, I now know what it was they had won that made them both happy. The moment Cookie was talking about while looking at the picture. The one sitting in her room taken of them at the carnival.
Cookie has talked about things that seemed familiar. Well, this is looking familiar to me. To save Peachbottom form a growing illness, Cookie might be willing to do a bit of a bargain with the Devil. Just maybe.
Do to the talk Zagreus had with his father, I take it Zagreus must be Sapphire's master. And the other, his father is the Devil. I am guessing again, but I think Cookie may be made to fight Zagreus and Sapphire. After Cookie becoming a Ghost Rider. This makes me think that Sapphire is no Ghost Rider as I first though, but just some servant to Zagreus.
So Cookie might have to fight her mother? There is some further story potential in that.
Sorry to bring it up again, but again this seem a little like Plunk's past with her mother. Her mother only wanted what was best for Plunk. Her return home was never really a happy one. So she would leave again. Poor Misty would be at whits end on what to do about her. Seems the more she tried to get through to Plunk, the more it would drive her away. And it was mostly do to what Plunk was doing with those no good friends she was spending time with. Plunk was feeling like she hated her mother, but deep down, she still loved her. For Plunk, she did not know how to have her freedom and her family at home at the same time. Plunk Was just as frustrated as Misty, and much of it was do to the same thing. Plunk's bad friends.
Dam, if this is not so much like Plunk's life, despite how different.
And I think- "because of a really good friend." Might look better in that sentence.
Well, this is the start of something not good.
I think you might need it to be- "capable of taking care of herself"
For this ending here, this makes for a good beginning for something much bigger.
Adding Fluttershy to this as the hulk was a little odd to me, but that is more than OK.
But I still don't know how a stolen car would help Fluttershy.
Or what Fluttershy did in that city she saved. Did she fight something, or just stop something bad from happening?
I did get a bit confused by all of that. It was either do to me and my way of thinking, the writing and lack of info, or a little of both.
I also liked how similar in situation Cookie's life has been to my own OC Plunk. I found that amusing.
This has been good so far. Would like to see how it might continue.
I guess the only peeve I have on this is that it is not yet finished. I never did like starting a story while not knowing if it will ever be continued if it is not finished. This happens a lot. I get interested in a story only to find the writer gave up on it, or moved on to something else.
A book I have read was to be the first in a trilogy. I liked it a lot. It had so much going on in it, and at the end left for so much more. Though when I got in touch with the writer, he told me he will not be completing it. His reason was, nobody seemed to be interested in it, so he moved on from it. I was very disappointed. But I would not ask him to continue it just for me. That would be silly. Still, getting involved with an incomplete story sucks to me. And there are a lot of stories on this site writers have given up on, for one reason or another. Stories I liked. Oh well.
I will give this a like, and add you to my Following list. Seeing that I have been following your reviews for some time now. It would only make sense to do so.
6350636 Thank you for reading this story and giving me a lot of things to think about and change.
For the Fluttershy hulk thing, this story is a spin off from another story I did earlier called the Incredible Flutterhulk. It explains all the stuff that happened with the stolen car, with the hulking out, and introduces Cookie to this world. It's also supposed to be connected to the Princess Celestia: Sorceress Supreme story I did a little while ago. But it's not as essential a read. Eventually, I want to bring all three characters together in a Defenders fic.
You are right about the inclusion of the Flutterhulk thing. I probably should have explained that a lot better or at least modified it so it wasn't so... confusing.
Yes, Zagreus is this version of Blackheart. Since I went with the Greek Pantheon, I decided to pick a Greek Deity. And Sapphire, Cookie's mother, does work for him. So, Hades is basically this world's Mephisto.
My favorite chapter to work on was 'The Glue Trap' especially with Hades thinking about the glue trap. It was a blast to work on. As for it finishing, I am actually editing the next chapter as we speak. I hope to have it up, sometime this week. I still want to do this, but I am very slow at updating.
Thank you so much for your words and your review. I hope to hear more from you soon. Thank you and take care.
Much, much, MUCH better than the movies!!! Sorry Nicholas Cage.
6350788
Your response to my review has given me something to think about and change as well. Like paying more attention to the full description of a story, for one. Had I expanded it and looked over all of it, I would have seen the details that it was a spin off of Incredible Flutterhulk, and had a look at that first as you suggested. Then I would not have gotten myself confused with the mention of those events in that story told of in this one. The confusion was on me. I will have a look at Incredible Flutterhulk this time.
Cool, though I think I should have a look at Sorceress Supreme just the same. So I don't have for myself more confusion later when you do that.
I only knew of Ghost Rider from the movie. Never saw the comics. With a little Google research and I now know who Mephisto is.
Though for who and what he is and does, the Devil himself is near close enough.
And I have been calling him the Devil.
I know I did not say anything on it, but I did like the chapter The Glue Trap. It seemed dark and poetic to me. Something about it reminded me of the Stephen King's story Needful Things. Where the Devil used the things people wanted against them. Got them to do anything to have what it was that they wanted. Even kill others. The part where The Glue Trap was described also reminds me of a part in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie. I think it was in the forth movie. Freddy Krueger was after a girl that weight lifts, and has a phobia of roaches. Freddy chases her into a hallway after breaking her arms on a work bench where she was doing some bench presses. She got stuck in some glue on the floor in the hallway. All while growing things out of her that looked like part of a bug.
While struggling in the glue she fell into it getting her head stuck. When she tried to pull free she pulled her skin off and herself out of it as a roach. Then it was shown that she was in a roach glue trap being held in Freddy's hand. He squeezed the box killing her. Messy.
I have a few thoughts on Sapphire, but I will put those in a PM.
I have for myself some reading to do before I have another look at this one.
Incredible Flutterhulk I think will be next.
Yes this story was fun to read. And I am once again glad I was able to point out for you anything that you feel might need to be fixed in it.
Where's the next chapter
Before I read this, what is the Gore and Dark tag for ?
Like the story, please continue.
6350788
spideremblembrony,
When will you put out new chapters for this story? I’m really interested to see where this goes. Kinda shocked that there haven’t been any updates since August 2015. Can’t wait to read about when the Rider actually comes out for the first time.