Twilight had just invented a spell that can temporarily take something from the past and bring it to the present day in front of her. As she was testing it in front of Celestia, the solar alicorn could not believe what, or more accurately who, came to visit from the past.
Thanks to Cerulean Voice for helping me editing it.
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Chapters (1)
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Cool idea, the dialogue was quite well done, I do feel some of the descriptions wee a vit awakward, such as Twilight deciding to send the mare back. But others worked well, like the Rarity line.
3864352 I'll check later. Right now I am a bit drained. This One-shot was harder to write than I thought.
Very well done Val, very well done indeed. I would swear that you've been hanging around me too much... or been lurking around SilFoe's page too. Not many go that route with her past, and eve less make her a warrior.
3864362 Thank you. And yes, I actually do love the idea of an earth pony Celestia.
3864357
Totally understandable, and don't worry about it too much, twas an interesting read.
3864379 Thank you.
3864370
It is rare to find someone who does, or at least tolerates it. I still think the biggest thing is that you made her a warrior, now that is something you don't see that often
3864392 I just love to give her a Celtic warrior feel.
crap, I let myself hope for a second this was a series where twilight randomly fucks up something in the past of equestria each episode
nice story anyways!
3864392 Why would it matter what tribe she was from originally, I mean if a Unicorn can ascend under the right circumstances, what's to stop an Earth pony, or a Pegasus, or really any other creature of equine origins such as a zebra, or a donkey?
As for her being a worrier I can actually see her being one much easier than her being say a noble or some such thing, I mean think about it in her 3000 years of life Celestia, and Luna have faced down at least Discord, Sombra, possibly Tirek the terrible, and the smooze depending on what mlp lore you follow, and Celestia herself faced off against her own sister when she was nightmare moon, and Queen Chrysalis so what's so hard to believe about her having a worrier origin?
All that aside I liked the story idea and I would love to see more stories like it or a follow up chapter dealing with Sunny Stronghoof after she wakes up until she is returned to the her own time.
Amusing little one shot, but you could have stretched it out more. There was a fun idea here, but you didn't roll with it.
Name of Story: Temporal Visitor
Grammar score out of 10: 7 I spotted a few errors, but it was legible.
Pros: It was funny, and a wonderful idea. Time travel can wreak havoc with the usually straight line of history. It was short but enjoyable
I feel like this could be a scene that could happen in the show.
Cons: It was a little short, and
A bit of a double negative. Simply saying warned would have been fine, still It did not cripple the story. Also, I found that the dialogue felt kind of blocky and unnatural.
Notes Section: I think that maybe using more smooth dialogue would immerse the reader a bit, and perhaps lengthening the story would aid so as well.
Still, I enjoyed it and I think has a great plot.
3865078
3865002
3864927
Thanks for the review.
I'll see what I can to fix it and maybe even lengthen it. Dialogues are a bit of a weak spot for me.
3865112 A sequel/ prequel would be neat, diving into her origins?
3865155 I might if I get some inspiration.
3865173 Maybe the story of how she turned from Earth Pony warrior to immortal sun goddess?
3865180 I still need to figure that one out.
the disguise wouldn't be that hard just give her a saddle bag with a temporary spell to make it stick to her, that should be enough seeing as aside from a white coat and her cutie mark Celestia and Sunny don't really look that much alike, and it's not like white coats are really all that rare, as for the paint well it could either be removed or something could be made up for a cover story, like she's from a far away place or something.
As for the language well if TWILIGHT SPARKLE who is practically the personification of the definition of the work book worm, doesn't recognize what language she's speaking in, then I doubt anyone short of Luna herself would recognize it, and I doubt she would make a scene (in public) upon seeing her sister with her past-self, or do anything to give the game away.
3865191 Well, I bet it will be interesting.
3865078 Well it IS a Celestia/Twilight story so of course it has a good plot, a couple of them in fact.
Jokes aside I agree with your review for the most part.
3865201 I am starting to think of making both Tia and Luna, who were earth ponies of different clans/herds, ascend by having something to do with tollerating and interacting with other ponies of different tribes (which was very progressive at that time) to try and defeat an ancient evil together. The ancient evil, I am trying to about it.
3865242 Sounds awesome!
3865238
3865242 Well you could use either Tirek the terrible Tirek the trerrible, or the Smooze the smooze both of them from mlp G1 as villains
3865263 I could try. Now I just have to wait for inspiration and motivation. And time too, never forget time.
3864927 In canon Celestia was born an Alicorn. But this is someone’s story so they can write her anyway they like. I don’t mind as long as the story is good.
3864352
3865002
I have updated the story to make it longer. Read it again and see if it has improved.
YAYS all of the YAY is belonging to you! =3
3869246 What do like most?
3869247 Mostly I like the world building that you did, You took Sunny and gave her more of a personality of her own.
3869264 Thank you.
3869266 No thanks needed you earned the praise by your own effort. I'm adding this to my favorites and my group the creation center.
awesomeness! Pure and unrefined awesomeness!
3869973 What did you enjoy the most?
3870063 I like the new part at the end, I really enjoyed it.
This review is proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Temporal Visitor
Grammar Score (out of ten): 7
Pros:
1) Story has a nice hook. I was interested in reading from the description.
2) You came up with a name for "young Celestia" that I haven't seen before. Points for originality.
3) Twilight cast a spell that didn't actually backfire. I feel somewhat... refreshed.
Cons:
1) To quote PacotheTac0: "Amusing little one shot, but you could have stretched it out more. There was a fun idea here, but you didn't roll with it."
2) There's a lot of exposition, not much of it necessary.
3) Tense switches. Tense switches everywhere.
Notes:
I was really, really hoping for a fic about some important historical figure. I honestly thought you were gonna do the expected "O hai, Star Swirl, buddy old pal, how are ya?" thing, but you surprised me. I like surprises. Maybe you could keep surprising me?
At first it was very interesting, but the story quickly became exposition and irrelevant back story, which—I'm very sad to say—seems like it will not be built on or explored. I think you could have done so, so much more with this idea. I could easily see it becoming some sort of epic, should you wish to continue this at some point. It really doesn't help that this fic is paced like Usain Bolt; before I had a chance to even hunker down and read further about Sunny Stronghoof, it was over and she was gone.
Also, I found that Twilight was strangely written too. How can one be "so careful" with a spell that's never been cast before? Anything could have happened. All in all, Twi seemed... not so bright in this story.
Now for a few observations/suggestions:
Right to the heart of the matter. This fic doesn't have time or space to mess around with, does it? In any case, this seems like a very expository way to begin your story. Maybe you could work it into the story just a little more deftly, like having Twi prattle on about her new invention and have Celestia ask this point a few more lines in.
I feel like this could benefit from a significant re-wording. As well as a bit more explanation? Grammar needs a light touch-up too.
Had drawn would be better. This wording suggest she's drawing as she's walking.
Oh how I cringe so, when I see a tense switch like this. "was the understatement of the millennium." would be better, but this sentence can be improved even beyond that.
You seem to be missing some words. Important ones, like "though/although"
There's that tense-switch again.
Obligatory Rarity-hates-dirt reference. Completely unnecessary, really.
I get that this is for emphasis and confirmation, but we pretty much had better, "showy" confirmation with the line way back here:
"And me, I am you.”"
I'll be honest here, this is telly and expository as all hell.
Ohhhhh, I finally see what you were leading up to. Too bad it had the same impact on me as a leaf blown against my chest.
I won't point out any more things, but I will close in saying that you could really benefit from an experienced editor who is willing to go into far more depth than I can. These are but a few suggestions.
Interesting story, though. The hook was there, but the execution just flimsy enough that I slipped off as you attempted to reel me in. As a result, your ending (while clever) had all potential weight leeched from it during my read. This just doesn't feel like a complete story—it feels so much more like words 2000-4000 of chapter one in an epic.
I feel pretty bad saying mostly not-so-positive things about this since you gave my story a great review. However, this group isn't the "positive-for-positive" group—it's Authors Helping Authors. I really am trying to help here. I'd give a far more detailed review than this one, but for the fact that it's unfortunately 1:40am here and I'm super-tired.
I hope you take something from this review and don't just take me for a douche instead. Thanks for reviewing Burning Day Brethren, in any case!
Adren
Edit after another read-through, amending my grammar grade from 6 to 7
3870085 Thank you for the review. The problem I seem to be having is that I don't seem to know the difference between telly and showy descriptions.
3869217 It's much more interesting with the additional piece at the end. I was expecting for Celestia to remember when she was in Sunny's position. It would make sense that today's Celestia was once summoned by Twilight into the future a long time ago. Also, personally, I think a little comedy would have been great in this situation, but taking the SoL path and discussing tolerance wasn't a bad choice at all.
3870636 To tell you the truth, I wasn't really aiming at Comedy. I also have always wanted to see a scenario when a younger Celestia enters the present day or an amnesiac Celestia thinking she is still her younger self.
3870697 I know. I'm just thinking out loud that there is a lot of comedic potential in this.
I enjoyed reading your story! In fact, I featured it in a blog post of mine. It's not much, but I hope it'll get you a couple of extra views. Keep up the good work!
3879631 I'm glad you enjoyed it.
3869217
Right sorry this took so long my access to a computer has been poor recently.
I really like the additions you've made, they extend the story and help give us a better picture into our characters minds. The extra descriptions were also very well done. I do feel that some of the language used by Celestia and Twilight was a tad... casual/normal, maybe? But overall an enjoyable read.
3870085 I know it's been a while, but I have tried using your suggestions and advice to fix this story a bit. Can you do another read through, please?
4017001 No problemo, buddy
If you've got the time and patience to offer me a return review of my story The Equestria Games: Flight of the Pegasi, I'll have another one for you within the next 24 hours. I'd love to see measurable improvement
4017025 I'll try one day.
Okay, time for round two!
This review is proudly brought to you once again, by the group Authors Helping Authors. Let's see if you've improved on my initial assessment
Name of Story: Temporal Visitor
Grammar Score (out of ten): 7.5
Pros:
1) Story has a nice hook. I was interested in reading from the description.
2) You came up with a name for "young Celestia" that I haven't seen before. Points for originality.
3) Twilight cast a spell that didn't actually backfire. I feel somewhat... refreshed.
4) Definite improvement from my last review. Elaboration below.
Cons:
1)
To quote PacotheTac0: "Amusing little one shot, but you could have stretched it out more. There was a fun idea here, but you didn't roll with it."This is not-so-much a con anymore as a suggestion. A side-story would be nice, but I no longer feel like it's essential, per se.
2) There's a lot of exposition,
not much of it necessary.less there than before, but still noticeable.3) Tense switches. Tense switches everywhere. Overall, this is still a problem, because while you've fixed some from before, you've written new ones to replace them.
Notes:
Okay, first things first: I'm only going to elaborate on points that I've already made in my first review, for the sake of consistency. Although my editor's eyes and reader view have improved since then, and I probably could (and already have in fact done so mentally) pick on new things, this is a re-review based on what you may have improved on since my first review. Let's see what's changed, what you've altered for the better:
Okay, so this is still the same. Moving on.
Okay, you've added a little something, including what the spell is actually supposed to do and its intended function. A little more detail's good to see, but then there's this part which you can totally drop 100%
You've already told us (I emphasise: told, but I did say I wouldn't pick on anything new) in the opening paragraph that Twilight was very excited. As such, I read this entire paragraph in her excited voice anyway. You don't then need to tell us yet again that she has an excited expression. I can (and did) imagine it already.
I am glad to see this added in here. This shows that you address this earlier concern of mine:
Good going on that.
Yes. Much better than what you had before.
Better, yes. But could still be improved a little.
Just gonna place this in here to emphasise an earlier point:
I love this. This shows me "The pony was frightened/panicking etc" and that, I like. You could (and should) do something similar with the afore-mentioned "Twilight was very excited" line in the intro paragraph.
Nice, fixed.
Ah, now your revelation carries more weight. Improvement noted.
This. This is new. I like this very much. It opens up questions and leaves us wondering about the kind of ponies that they are. It also opens up theories about what Celestia's younger life could have been like.
I see this is unchanged. Carrying on.
Okay. Everything has been addressed that still remains in this story for me to re-address. I can see that you've made improvements, not only fixing up a few things that I suggested but changing up quite a lot of the story. It doesn't really feel like it needs to be the beginning of an epic anymore, though it could still certainly have a side-story made about Sunny Stronghoof to accompany it.
Your grammar has slightly improved this time, but I'm still seeing a few clunkers. Things like commas in place of periods and vice-versa, quotation marks facing the wrong way, and those dreaded tense-switches ( while cleaned up a little) still hold a significant presence. In short, while you have made the story that little bit better, there's still a decent way for improvement left to you. Things like tell-vs-show, paragraph formatting, POV changes within the same paragraph and flat-out exposition still keep this from being the best it can be. This time, however, you gain my like, for showing noticeable improvement in the areas of plotline, when to drop a bombshell as well as positive tweaks to the characterisation overall.
If you would like for me to edit this story, you can feel free to PM me a GDocs link and I will make comments on what can be fixed.
Good luck with your future endeavours! I'd love it if you could provide a return analysis of The Equestria Games: Flight of the Pegasi when you are able.
4020457 Thank you!
And your story is in my personal Read Later list. I still have to finish reading the other stories and my new job is slowing me down a bit. But I will read and review it when I have time.
Tirek the Abomination? Now you've been lurking around me too often.