"Every day of every week of every month of every year. She watches, watches as the little fillies and colts fail to strive in her dark, twisted kingdom. And she loves every second of it. She thrives on misery, making it so that no-pony else can be happy. And it's gone on long enough. This will be a great day for ponykind, my army of crusaders! Today we struggle, today we bleed and today, we end Diamond Tiara's reign of pain. Are you with me!?"
"YYEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH"
"On, my mark... CHHHAAARRRRGGGEEE!!!!!"
This is the story of their adventure to dethrone Diamond.
Chapters (1)
Can't really call this a tragedy if the good guys win. I guess we can assume the rebellion didn't like the sun blocking power of DT's architectural designs. :P
The CMC sure do play hard. Some of this had me wondering if this was supposed to be a crossover of something or that last mention was supposed to reference something. Aside from that, it was okay. You keeping Silver alive despite being DT's 'consort' aka lover was rather silly. I guess Sweetie or Babs will be laying claim to her later. :P
Course, given the ending, I doubt if any of them really know what consort even means. Or at least see nothing wrong with it given how Equestria seems very pansexual anyways. lol
It was a nice read but totally misuses the tragedy tag. And DT was certainly not depicted as any pitiable hero or anti-hero.
I gave it a like last time but didn't get to comment. No better time than the present!
I would of liked more Silver Spoon action at the end, but it was good enough. Shame no Sweetie vs Silver death match though, felt a bit cheated that so many would hold back when so many lives are at stake.
I had a feeling this story was going to end with an 'it was all make-believe' moment. The fantasy explained too little about the situation, and the advance of the CMC was much too easy for someone who had guards wearing diamond-plated armor and responded to intruders with annoyance.
This story follows the basic formula of an action-focused castle invasion story: an obstacle appears and the heroes get past it. Rinse and repeat. In addition, I happened to notice that every battle in this story is resolved by some form of sneak attack. First by Babs, then by Sweetie, and then again by Sweetie. I find it to be a strange choice, as sneak attacks are generally performed by villains and cowardly-types rather than the main heroes. If it was their only option, I could understand it, but for it to be their only significant means of offense, it seems more like it was done mostly as an attempt to justify how easily they were winning.
I can tell you have this story vividly imagined in your mind given how much descriptive you are. The only issue I see is in how you go about describing it. Take this excerpt for example:
I can envision what's happening here pretty clearly, but the way it's phrased is stilted and raises more questions than it answers. "Similar to a move from a fighting game"? Is that to help us, the reader, visualize it better or do they have fighting games within this story? "Once they were happy with it"? I wasn't even aware these creatures were capable of emotion. They 'pushed' it at them? It seems more likely they'd throw or shoot it given that it's a projectile weapon.
In addition, you also have a small tendency to use subjective adjectives in your descriptions:
These sorts of descriptions don't actually tell the reader anything. Instead they come across as the author directly telling them "imagine something cool happening here." And that can get annoying very quickly.
Though the way you end the story removes most of the mean-spiritedness, it also creates quite a few plot holes and negative implications. What were they using to represent the NPCs? What about the drawbridge and the cannons? How did they decide what they could and couldn't do with magic? How did they represent the magic? What were the rules on teleportation and sneak attacks? Most importantly, why did Diamond and the CMC not call each other out for pulling hopelessly contrived Deus Ex Machinas? While we're at it, why were they playing together in the first place? Is this an AU where they're just all friends? Did they all realize they share an interest in fantasy adventure games with incomprehensible rules and playing conditions? Just a few questions to consider.
I'd call this story a plain hot dog on a bun. It's simple in design, it seems like it's one thing when it's actually something else, and it sacrifices professionalism for more of an entertaining, childlike feel.
Make the most!