When David, a 30-year old brony, finds a gray pegasus named Derpy, Derpy brings out his full happiness to David. A feeling David hasn't had for years! But how long will David have this happiness? My First Fan Fiction
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 18th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 29th, 2012
DerpyHooves123
Derpy Hooves is the best pony! My blog posts are going to be sneak peeks at my future fimficitions!
DerpyHooves123
Joined 18th Mar, 2012 ·
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Awesome!!! *virtual thumbs up*
U r EPIC!!!!!
340609 Thanks
Very well written!
i LOVE it!!!!!!!
Pleez make discord break free
that would be epic like EPIC!!!!!
340614 Especially since I'm only 11-years old. ;)
I shall work on this as soon as I can, but right now, it's late and I'm too tired to go on.
I'm not tired but it's late.
342465
Glad to see you fix your story
can't wait to see what happens next
P.s. vinyl has the best eye color
342561
Have you read what there is now? Double check please.
I thank you all for the nicer comments.
Any suggestion on what I should make after I'm finished with this?
Well.... um....
Not sure what to say really... To me, it still looks cluttered. Double-spacing the paragraphs would help that.
Also, don't have multiple dialogues from different people be in the same paragraph. Just make a new one for every time another speaks. This still seems rushed... everything happens so fast, it's almost too difficult to comprehend. Again, I still feel no emotional attachment to what happened, because you rushed it so incredibly fast.
Please, when and if you write more, slow down. Describe details, emotions, and put some more effort into this. To be honest, my previous opinion still stands with the negative vote. However, if I see an improvement in your writing (And I mean a significant one), I'll re-review this once more.
P.S. - You honestly should not have deleted the previous 'negative' comments. They were hopefully supposed to provide constructive critisism for you. This isn't me being rude, but you honestly need to keep on trying and making this semi-decent.
That is all. And don't delete this, when all I'm doing is voicing an opinion that apparently isn't straight-up positive on your story.
343035 I didn't delete the other comments. I don't know why but they disappeared after I put the chapters together. Oh, and thanks for being a little nicer in the comments. As an 11-year old brony, I really appreciate it. I for one...really don't like to be told multiple things at a time, ok? Oh, and I don't like cupcakes, IT'S ALL ABOUT MUFFINS! Oh...I got a little off topic there....
...
...
...
...
...
!
Any suggestions on about what I should do to the story, not the way it's written?
at first i was turned off a bit, because it looked a lot like my little dashie, just really sped up. but you've made it your own and the direction you're taking it is very interesting. i can't wait to read the rest of it, keep on writing brony (/6~9\)
347513 Confound these bronies, they drive me to write....I'm Kidding!!!
Guys, remember to rate this, thumbs up or down? And please be honest. Cause Trixie is watching you:
I have something to confess guys...
...I am almost out of inspiration. I am just dead right now. 
If you want to know what's next...you might have to wait for like a few days or weeks so my inspiration an be restored. For those of you who are 
because of this. SHUT UP! 
Uhhh... yeah... but if I'm lucky...I'll finish this month. 
I'll do my best and don't be 
.
I liked this oh and plus i am sorry for dissapointing u in my 'memories and rainbowdash tail' story. I've edited it but i really don't understand why people make so much fuss over a little spelling mistake. It was one of my first stories on this and people are saying it's terrible completely ignoring the rest of the story.
>> DerpyHooves123 maybe using youtube will help. Or deviant art. if they have a story ask them for permission to write it here! that's wut i did for memories! i hope i helped
348823 I know, I didn't read it your story yet BTW, I just looked at the section titles and commented.
But I will later. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my- OWWW!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGozM3ktxp0
348391
what i usually do when im out of inspiration, is watch the show, or go back and read other stories i've liked in the past. another good idea is to read through your own story as an objective observer, and think what you would want to happen in the story. when you get to the end of what's written, you'll still be immersed in the story, and as you play out what you'd like to happen next as a fan, you can then as the author, write it down.
hope this helps, good luck on your story bro
359948 Thanks!
Confound These Bronies, They Drive Me To Write!
Inspiration has been struck! KINDA!
Is extended.
FINALLY DONE!
343035 if you read it a little slower you can feel the emotions but that just might be my 9 year old brain going koo-koo as normal and imagining allot of BS.
after all it is 8:56 pm Hawaii time
Here is 10 mil Muffins
378818 *eats the muffins in one bite* Hay, where"s the proof Derpy like's muffins anyway?
is ur eyes derped?
381949 Filly Derpy's eyes (In thsi story) aren't crossed until around paragraph 5.
daww
477208 dawwwww? Somepont that it was cute? That's the first...
that was...good but a bit rushed and I had a hard time following because it seemed to jump around. Also when your doing speech each line of speech has to be its own paragraph but as people always say practice makes perfect so just keep writing till its perfect.
483679 This is my first fan fic, and I'm only 11, that's why it's not that good. But could you read my other story please. It's called Derpy and DInky at the Gala. Comment and rate that, please.
and thanks for being nice about my first fanfic.
uhhhm un bit sure why no one has asked this yet... but this sounds like its just My Little Dashie, but switching Dashie with Derpy, i mean, its cute n' all, but like... Its just My Little Dashie... it really is, between the scene with the episode, and the scene where its been "2 days
vs. "2 years" you really just ripped off My Little Dashie, i mean, the writing is... eh... and the grammar is... eh... overall its cute, but its completely stealing from My Little Dashie. I would either removing it, or having a footnote mentioning thats is a spin-off personally, cuz from your rating's you've angered a lot of bronies
That's was........ Different...
:)
:)
I didn't like it. Too rushed and too little information.