- Member Since 17th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 19th, 2014
LunaIsMaiWaifu
Just another brony with a knack for drawing and who wishes he had a knack for writing.
LunaIsMaiWaifu
Joined 17th Mar, 2012 ·
Offline
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not bad it did seem to move a little fast at some parts but the intercourse was very descriptive nice job
I'll put a track on it if you ever decide to continue
:D
You never told us you finished this!
At least you never told me :(
332822
Sorry! I finished it late last night, but you weren't around.
332786, 333050
Thanks!
Tracking this awesome story.
I was going to just punch a kangaroo and close the tab because of another HiE self-insert....
But that word count......
I'll read it when later chapters come out, maybe.
And you better be grateful I'm not punching a kangaroo in the face! It's better than most HiE get!
At first, I was going to thumb it down.
After I read it, I thumbed it up. Well played good sir.
This is literally the only second person fic I've ever enjoyed, mostly because I'm aspiring to one day become a physicist
encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTddVRQ-OkZhRiw-F0kZxUyKTeH_M6lA4lFUX0dfrd3C3s1XNWjvA
*reads story*
encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRPRcIFcaau6nCmCGztsGqqZp4k5W-vyZIqI-VgK_pSW56tAbo4aA
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
This is really REALLY good.
Excellent!
ok wheres my reward?
well anyway if the next chapter is just as long how long are we going to have to wait? also i figured twilight would be a virgin... well guess i was wrong for this storie. also that was the single most longest chapter i ever read!!!
im impressed.
Okay, quite the nice story, but you hopped through the different tenses like a bunny on the run, let alone the trivial typographical mistakes.
Seriously...
Plot seems fine, if you don't know whether you will resume writing this, or just let it be a one-shot, put it on Hiatus, and give it some time.
Cheerio
334631
Jumping from one tense to the next has always been a difficult problem to correct for me. Having english as a second language hurts when my native language is slightly more permissive in that regard, due to the structure of verbs. I will keep this more actively in mind moving on, thanks for pointing it out.
Also, hmm. I'll have to proofread the entire thing then. I have a habit of doing edits at the beginning of a writing session on what I wrote previously, so it's likely I missed some parts. Weirdough.
I will likely continue the story, but I'll take your advice and put it on hiatus. I want to get some other things done before I can commit to another 20-30 hours of work on this.
334601
That could be left to interpretation, but I didn't want to write Twilight being in pain, so I chose to omit it. Glad you enjoyed it though
334829 well i guess you can use the excuse "the comb did it"
or maybe he simpally did not notice and neither did she... *shrugs sholders* hey stories HAVE done that way before...
334829 also wheres the trophy you were talking about...
(man i am a persistant troll at times
)
oh and i brock the like button!!!
and the track button...
334829
Hm, I'm from Germany, and if there is one thing I've learned since I started reading fanfiction on this site, it is most certainly the fact that bilingualism can be annoying. I've seen great ideas getting tossed away, since the people, who came up with said notions, lacked the ability of wording those. I'm one of them, but I think that that is mainly because of my OCD. Anyways, for you being bilingual the story is quite the sight. Get a proofreader.
I'd proofread it, but since I've already read it, it would be thrice as annoying as it is already. I'll put that thought aside for chapter two, whenever it will appear on my tracking-list page 1.
334601
Longest chapter ever read? You shouldn't miss the big fun out there! Try The End of Ponies, or if it's too long, try My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring. I think both end up in a sore posterior.
334952 challenge accepted...
335008
By the way, ever heard of the little button named "Edit"?
335025 oh you mean this button *points to edit button*
*trollface* (sorry normaly when i get worked up i start spamming... sorry about that...
) (Will a cupple of cute faces make things better? 
there i brought the CMC ... 
)
This story starts with several very disjointed scenes. It reminded me of how some of the really weird and/or metaphysical anime series start. And that is not really a good thing.
The porn is instantly forgettable; save for it occuring in 2nd person. It felt like the writer was using a standard porn check list even more than Twilight was. Retooled slightly, this would be a great parody of general porn tropes
but at present it just comes across as IKEA erotica.
This isn't a bad story as such, and there is nothing wrong with the ideas, but the presentation lacks polish. So the aircraft (?) he arrived in had a fusion reactor, and vast collection of kinky pornography? And Twilight finds said material errotic because..? And she's embarressed about pressing into his hand why...? All three raise more questions than answers. For a writer it's fun to dump ideas in front of a reader. But for a reader it's just as much fun to explore the author's reasoning as to how these ideas came about and what their consiquences are. And I didn't find that in this story.
Do write again though. Practice makes perfect.
Why?! Why do I love this so much?! Is it possibly because I'm a physicist and Twilight is best pony?
339079
That stings a bit, but I appreciate the honesty!
However, there's a paragraph where it's spelled out that whatever brought the protagonist to Equestria also transported a good chunk of his house along for the ride, thus his long-running quest to find what he needs - I figured it would be implied that it's not that the protagonist has copious amounts of porn, just that he has some along with the copious amount of stuff he has, period.
But lesson learned, I'll try to elaborate more in the upcoming chapters, and not leave that many loose ends.
This fanfic looks nice...
Cheers! *tracking*
i847.photobucket.com/albums/ab32/MLP_Raven/IcameTwilightSparkle.jpg Hhhhhhhnnnnnnggggg...
That was such lovely, romantic and passionate Chapter 1, I adore how you keep Twilight Sparkle on character even when things get steamy, I dearly hope you continue this story! I am really looking forward for the next chapter
Really a good story.
Twilight seemed like Twilight throughout the entire story, and thats an achievement!
I started to get a little confused during the "fingering", I had trouble keeping track of what was going on. ( More my fault than yours )
Anyways I for one enjoyed it>
wait wait wait... CHAPTER 1
??? THERE WILL BE MORE
??? BUT I ALREADY PAINTED THE WHOLE ROOM WHITE!!! ONCE MORE AND THE OCEAN WILL TURN WHITE!!!
361818
I actually Googled "Painted the whole room white" because I thought it was some sort of slang I didn't understand.
Then I remembered this is clopfiction, and was like
I WROTE IT FOR CHRIST'S SAKES, WTF ME?
362378 Will there be more?
365392
I'm about done with the non-clop part of Chapter 2. I wanted to take some time and explain the background story a bit further, what drives the protagonist and how he and Twilight deal with what happened. Still figuring out how I want to integrate the sexy bits in this chapter, but I have an idea or two.
Stay tuned!
366531 A clopfic with an actual story? Oh my sweet lord, I've looked far and wide for such a thing!
369397 it is a rare siteing but i have found stories like this one...
...I'm not entirely sure. The... *Cough* intercourse was really well-written, as was the entire story, and the plot (Pun intended?) is not that bad... But then there's the unforgettable, harsh part of my brain that keeps saying, "Hey, this is a guy fucking a pony. Why are you even..."
So, instead of writing a long text about what I feel about this, I'll just put this picture right here. It should simplify things.
imguploader.info/?dm=NT5X
...Now, to discreetly track, like and favorite this before the anyone realizes it, aaand, done!
382773
A very valid point and one I have considered many times I the past. Honest truth is that I haven't read that many human/pony or pony/pony fics myself and typically prefer humanized characters all around.
But maybe that's why I wanted to write this and keep it sweet and in character. If you start messing with their very cores it becomes harder to keep them faithful to canon.
But if you prefer human/human, I might have something for you in an upcoming chapter /wink
384943
static.fjcdn.com/comments/3436896+_6115b046f91266f055dd07f82b2c8f46.jpg
Pampering me like this...
Liked the story not sure if you care if you continue this: go easy on the sex please I loved it but....... There was enough sex for nearly 2 chapters again good story.
nice
For a clopfic, this is done very well
So yeah. I know you're on hiatus. But here's to remind you that we're not going anywhere!
Couldn't help but notice that the picture had a humanized Twi, yet this chapter didn't...
Spoiler of things to come, perhaps?
i1207.photobucket.com/albums/bb461/LegionScavenger/421124_3374698483531_1151370335_3438131_344278384_n.jpg
An update to one of the first pieces of clop I read.
And I loved it!
new chapter?
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/249/850/83f.jpg
631368
That bit at the start should give it away, really.
631368
Well, Twilight clearly has some kind of plan involving a transmogrification spell, and Gary won't let her use one on him, so...
Also, I predict that Lyra stole his stuff, either out of spite or because she thinks she can make it work.
Not fond of self-inserts, not fond either of PoV, but only idiots never change their mind, and so, I must say that the way you write is awesome!!!
That's the first one I encounter with a quality level as high as that. And I saw your drawings too, and you have a style, and a good one.
Keep it up!!!
"Tracking" your story, check!
"Watching" your page, check!
"Waiting" for chapter 3, check!
Lyra stole the scraps.
I'm enjoying the character interplays in this story as well as the plot itself. Your depiction of an adorkable Twilight leaves me laughing and "Awwww"ing in equal portions. My only gripe is that I like the other aspects of the story so much I'd actually prefer more of that and less clop. I know, crazy right?
Well done, I'll be looking forward to the next update in this darling little tale.
Great update, your sensual scenes are incredible, a definitive cut above the norm. It does seem a little contrived though that neither of these intelligent & observant characters thought to themselves, "Hmm perhaps the human obsessed pony that just had her dreams, of going to Earth, crushed and went storming off, was the thief." and instead spent the evening fruitlessly searching around apparently without checking out the most obvious suspect.
I'm eagerly anticipating the next chapter.... especially if it's mostly clop
Loved your work
Very enjoyable!
Most obvious flaw to me is in your use of dialogue--you're getting the final punctuation wrong. A period is used to "end" that sentence, so the next sentence is a separate entity. When you have something like
the "Twilight said" is an assignment of that dialogue, not a separate entity unto itself, and you should be using a comma (or exclamation mark, question mark, et cetera, because they don't have to be final--however you do follow all the other rules such as capitalisation). The "said" itself is also a speaking verb and could be replaced with anything else from that kind of pot.
and
for example, because the giggling isn't a speaking verb and that sentence isn't assigning the dialogue--who said it is implicit, not explicit.
Not an ultra-huge deal to fix, but it really killed readability in a lot of the dialogue-heavy scenes for me. Otherwise, good work!