The "Adventure"!!!

We all like to go on adventures in video games, right? Well, some of us do. But have you ever wanted to go on an adventure out of the game? Button Mash and Sweetie Belle do! Find out what happens in this not-so-adventurous adventure!

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Comments ( 5 )

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TwilightFox

TwilightFox #1 · Jan 1st, 2014 · · ·

Agreed.” At least, the scary parts. Button thinks. “Hey, how about we get some milkshakes?” He offers.
“Ok!” They both head over to Sugar Cube Corner, smiling the entire time.

Where they got into a milkshake race, and Button lost.... miserably ... (but he found a bit!)

Alright... I'm glad you acknowledged that you are a new writer, and have much to improve on, and as such I will refrain from pointing out the lack of detail, as you requested. But if you are open to another point of constructive criticism... ?

Your characterizations were fairly weak. That is, the personalities of the characters. It's not that they didn't "fit" the canon personalities of the characters-in-question, but more that they didn't stand out as being those characters. Button Mash was most likely the best of the three you used, but Twilight could have easily been replaced by Rarity, or Applejack, or even Mayor Mare, I think. Even Sweetie felt a little off to me. That's mainly because their distinct personalities were not evident enough.

I am in no way trying to belittle you, far from it in fact. I simply wanted to offer what I saw as ways for you to improve. I love the premise behind this story, and I love this ship. I see a lot of potential here, so that's why it got my upvote.

Keep up the good work, and if you ever want me to answer some questions, shoot me a PM.

DarthWill3

DarthWill3 #2 · Jan 1st, 2014 · · ·

Aw... That's so cute!

Could use a couple of corrections, though.

Miss Awesome

Miss Awesome #3 · Jan 1st, 2014 · · ·

wonderful story better than your first!

OfficialDerp

OfficialDerp #4 · Jan 1st, 2014 · · ·

3714996 I know. I wrote that one day when I was bored and had nothing else to do.
Thank you, though! I'm trying my best to write better and better every time.
As for the characters thing, that was when I had no internet and only got to watch the show once a week (which I will be returning to after tomorrow ) so I didn't exactly get a good picture of what the characters were like, other than what the show says.
Also I totally blanked out on the fact that Sweetie is smarter than that.
But again, thanks! It always helps to get feedback on what I could do better!