Compilation of Miscellaneous Typed Scribblings of A Random Guy

by A Random Guy

Mad Mud Army Take Rainbow Falls

Mad Mud Army Take Rainbow Falls
By A Random Guy

Traditionally, Breezy societies don’t take titles in high regard. There were the Breezies that did work, and the Breezies that did a little less work but organized all the other Breezies. Even after ten years in in the world of ponies, those societal norms were still ingrained deep into Star Wisp’s mind. Of course her traditional ideals conflicted with the idea of promotions, but she wasn’t going rant over a little thing like that, especially since the unicorn she was riding seemed so happy about one such promotion.

Both he and his horn were glowing, he glowing with pride and his horn glowing with magic as it wiggled a plaque that read, “Camión Lechero, Ambassador of the Summoned Bronxican Revolutionaries and Lieutenant of the Bronxican Imperial Army,” (Translated from Bronxican) into a slat on the front of a door.

“So you got your own office now,” Star Wisp commented, looking up and down the wooden door. “I call dibs on the window sill.”

“Who said that you could move into my office?” Camión asked. His magic died down as he finished fiddling with the plaque.

“You wouldn’t deny a disabled girl a comfy bed, would you?” the yellow Breezy asked, nodding back towards two silvery stubs on her back where a pair of wings should have been. “I already have to sleep under your cot. It’s filthy under there, by the way. It’s hard cleaning out the dirt when I get a mudslide every time a giant sweaty soldier walks by. And speaking about those giant sweaty soldiers, I can’t walk two feet without nearly getting trampled by them!”

“And you think you’ll be better off in my office? I’ll hardly ever be in here to help you if you need anything.”

“You’re hardly ever here to begin with! There’s practically several hours every day when you’re spacing out with half of the military base, and the rest of the time you’re all military and stuff while I sit on your shoulder and twiddle my hooves.”

“You have me right now. Plus you have Rocinante when I’m phasing.”

“She’s being put on the Phasing Brigade in a week. There isn’t another tolerable pony in the entire base!”

“There’s Ojas de Rojas.”

“Don’t even joke about that!” the yellow Breezy snapped at Camión’s snickering. “That mare has it out for me!”

“Ojas doesn’t have it out for you. You just think she’s creepy.”

“She’s tried more than once to fire me out of a piece of artillery.”

“That’s just hazing. She does that to everybody.”

“I don’t think hazing a civilian is legal with any army.”

“Only if they press charges. Look, you’re going to have to find somebody to help you around when I’m phasing. I’ll be doing it a lot more, so it’s going to become a lot more necessary. Just find someone, and if it does turn out only Ojas is available, then I’ll talk to her. But I don’t think it’s going to get that dramatic.

“Teniente Lechero!” Their heads turned when they heard a brown mare’s voice call out from down the corridor. There were a lot of brown mares on the base, but there was one mare whose eyes offset her from the rest. In the dim light of the corridor, they could recognize those eyes that seemed to glow like the red of a setting sun. On paper, she was known as Capitán Anochequá. In legend, she was called Ojas de Rojas. The mere mention of her name was worthy of the strumming of guitar strings.

If it was any other pony in the base, Star Wisp would have ignored them and let Camión do his talking. However, when Ojas de Rojas strutted in, the air around her sent out subconscious signals that forced even the least disciplined of civilians to stand at attention. Despite instinctively stiffening along with her companion, the Breezy still managed to mutter under her breath. “Say the name three times, the Nightmare appears.”

When Capitán Anochequá spoke, her voice rang out like a hammer trying to drive a nail through steel. “Lechero, you are hereby notified that your services are requested earlier than scheduled. Your phasing is planned to be in less than two minutes!”

A confused look came up on Camión’s face. “I thought you had that timeslot.”

Capitán Anochequá shook her head. “Flu Mariposa changed that.”

“Oh, what trouble did she do this time?”

“Flu Mariposa discharged the marching Canterlot battalion in a small town on the way to the city. Fortunately, we have determined that the town is her home, so I will be going further back to eliminate the threat.”

“I didn’t know we had another summoner during that time period.”

“We don’t, but I had phased during a time when there was a large summon in the area in question. That makes me the best choice to phase into that area until we get another summoner in the town. But I need you to take my place.”

“Will the Presidente be aware of this when I phase?”

“No, this won’t occur until a week before when you’re phasing to. You’ll be directing when the Brigade phases.”

Star Wisp slayed across Camión’s back as she let out a groan. “Do you have to leave me with her?”

The Breezy let out a ‘meep’ when Ojas de Rojas’s fiery eyes overtook her entire field of view. “Yes, he can’t physically take his pet with him.”

“I’m not a pet! I am an intelligent being that requires guarding by Ambassador Lechero, your superior officer!”

“He’s Lieutenant Lechero outside of phasing, directly below me in command. “

“How did you even earn your command? Did you butter up the superior commanders with your ‘special eyes’?”

Camión rolled his eyes. “Star, please don’t antagonize my boss. I still have to work with her, and you’re”-

---

“-going to be… not complaining... That was a fast two minutes.”

Camión wasn’t in a corridor in a military base with a door that had a plaque that read, “Camión Lechero, Ambassador of the Summoned Bronxican Revolutionaries and Lieutenant of the Bronxican Imperial Army,” (Translated from Bronxican) and talking to a yellow Breezy and Ojas de Rojas.

Instead, he found himself inside what appeared to be a tent. A smell similar to burnt slat hung in the air, a scent that he was familiarizing with the phasing ritual. It was slightly dim inside. The only light source came from a slit on the side of the tent, presumably daylight coming from the outside. The light from the slit fell upon a stack of urns that were organized on the side of the tent.

“Welcome back, Ambassador Lechero.” The unicorn turned around at the sound the voice talking to him in Bronxican, to which he encountered a purple earth pony mare. Her purple mane was tied in a bun, which complimented the business suit she was wearing. “Though, I was expecting Capitán Anochequá. I didn’t think this needed such a high ranking officer.”

“Presidente Pastel, señora.” The unicorn stood at attention. “We have encountered the Flu Mariposa. She’s been sent further back to direct an assault.”

The Presidente grinned. “I’m curios why you weren’t sent after such a nuisance, but excellent none the less. I really like these fourth-dimensional tactics, solving our problems before they even happen. Have you been debriefed on the mission?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now, let’s go.”

Camión followed the Presidente out of the tent, which led to a vista of a sheer cliff, from which waterfalls of rainbow colors flowed down from the peak. Judging by how the air was, he could tell they were high up in a mountain range. He looked behind to see that the land they were standing on disappeared about fifteen yards away, giving way to a wide view of a countryside landscape.

Camión looked in awe as he followed his superior through the street, which was situated between rows of other tents. “Rainbow Falls. I’ve heard stories of its glory. Never thought I would be able to see it.”

“It’s actually the trading grounds of Rainbow Falls,” Uva Pastel noted, glancing at the traders who were doing their business. “But same city.”

The unicorn looked up at the sound of a whistle. He traced the sound to a pastel train that was riding up the top of the cliff. “Too bad it gets blown to smithereens.”

A chuckle came from the Presidente. “If all goes according to plan, we won’t need to blow up anything.”

“Bronxico didn’t destroy this place. The Equestrian army went crazy, or will go crazy, and will ruin everything here.”

“Interesting, I’ll become enough of a threat that they’ll take up a Scorched Earth policy. I love having people from the future.”

“Has everything been put in place?”

“The summoner has drawn the last of the sigils, the splatter cannons are primed, and the train has just arrived at the station. Once the sparks start flying, everything will fall into place, won’t it?”

Camión nodded. “This isn’t the first time I was called in for this assignment. I’ll be getting called in as backup to help support one of the cannons.”

“Out of curiosity, how does it feel, meeting yourself in the past, both of you fighting for the same cause.”

“I haven’t had that happen to me yet. I met some soldiers who have, and according to them, it’s a little disorientating.”

The Presidente nodded, bur before she could respond, Camión felt an electric tinge flow through him. It wasn’t a painful feeling, but was quite noticeable. He looked at his superior, who seemed to have noticed the feeling as well. “It’s about to begin. Do you want to get something to eat when the ponies start running around?”

The unicorn shook his head. “I can’t eat now.”

“Oh, right, the phasing into mud and rock and stuff. I keep forgetting that. No matter, I still want to grab a bite to”-

She was cut off by a sudden shearing of the tinge. Camión couldn’t see anything, but he felt it. They felt energy snap through reality, as if it was a concussive blast that came from everywhere at the same time. The unicorn felt his organs twist around, then untangled back into position within the span of a second.

The vendors and buyers in the market seemed to notice as well. Several ponies collapsed when the feeling unexpectedly shot through their bodies. Several vendors lunged for their merchandise to ensure it wouldn’t topple over, which oddly didn’t shake with the energy everyone was feeling.

A shriek drew the unicorn’s attention to a nearby tent, where a mare was screeching at a dirt hoof that popped out of the ground and grabbed her by the ankles. As the mare continued to struggle, more of the hoof was pulled out of the earth, eventually pulling an entire pony with it. Like its hoof, the pony was completely made out of mud and dirt. Yet, despite it being made of mud and dirt, the pony’s face remained as stiff as stone even as the mare repeatedly kicked it in the face.

This wasn’t the only instance where the ground came alive. All down the street, similar pony bodies were emerging from the road and grass. The hoard of confused trader ponies began to panic as the figures lashed out for their meaty flesh.

Camión looked down as one of the lumps made its way out of the road next to him. He watched as the face of a pony poked out, clumps of dirt falling off of it as it rose.

“Commander Rocinante, I was under the impression that you wouldn’t be on the Brigade till next week.”

The dirt face looked up to him and shrugged. “I am in the Brigade, sir. I didn’t know you were on the Ponyville assault force.”

“This isn’t the Ponyville assault. This is the Rainbow Falls assault.”

The dirt Rocinante thrashed his head as he spat out a curse, along with some soil. “That darn Anochequá! This is why she shouldn’t be allowed to summon!”

“Suck it up. You’re here now, so make yourself useful and start chasing the civilians towards the train depot.”

A hoof burst out of the ground to give Camión a salute. “Aye, sir, consider it done!”

As the dirt soldier crawled out from the ground to join the fray, the unicorn turned back to the Presidente. “Señora, earlier soldier reports have mentioned that now is an excellent time to activate the splatter cannons. Shall we commence?”

Uva Pastel nodded as she watched the crowd of ponies race for the tunnels as they were chased by the rising dirt golems. “Aim for the front of the tunnel entrances. Also, slow your advance. We don’t want the ponies crushing each other when they squeeze into that hole.”

The unicorn raised his voice to be heard beyond the chaos that was ensuing within the streets. “Activate the cannons!” His command sent a ripple through the already panicked pony population.

Several tarps were launched above the rows of tents, revealing the brass machinations that they were previously hiding. Each machine was manned by a soldier, live fleshy soldiers that the Presidente installed beforehand. Each of those soldiers turned their own set of gears that rotated a large nozzle contraption towards the cliff, towards were the civilians were running to.

As the soldiers took aim, they began pulling at levers and switches, bringing life to their mechanical weapons. One by one, the cannons came alive with an industrial breath, echoing out with an orchestra of their own dull whines that joined the cacophony.

Then, one by one, the cannons recoiled as they began to fire. Another wave of screams erupted from the crowd as they were expected to be bombarded with fireballs and iron ammunition, but the screams of fear turned into screams of confusion as they found that they weren’t being bombarded, but sprayed, with mud.

Rivers of mud gushed out from each of the nozzle contraptions, sending the slushing earth in several arcs across the trading grounds, which all ended in a harmless gale that rained soaked soil on top of the crowd. A couple of the streams went so far that they hit the cliff face, splattering against anypony that got near the wall.

The Presidente sniffed as a loamy sent filled the trading ground’s air. Camión smiled as he observed the fine work the soldiers did as they herded the crown into the tunnels. “I’ve been told by previous phasers that none of the ponies were seriously hurt during this endeavor.”

“That’s good to hear. They’re all going to head to the train as predicted, correct?”

“The entire city will, we’ve confirmed it. They ponies will be too scared to wash the mud off until they get to their home cities.”

“I still haven’t heard how the summoning mud has worked out so far.”

“We haven’t informed you yet since we haven’t used the mud for phasing yet as much as we’ve been using the summoners. But we have started to send out larger units, with the mud, and they have confirmed that the mud does work as a summoner substitute.”

“Have there been any downsides?”

“The phasing time has decreased by about an hour without the summoner, but the units so far have been able to achieve their goals.”

The Presidente grinned. “That’s good to know.” She looked out at the mountains beyond the trading ground ledge. “Did you know that a princess is usually required to attend the trading when it’s in session?”

The unicorn shook his head. “I wasn’t aware of that. I only know the stories of how Rainbow Falls is a beautiful place.”

Uva Pastel nodded in agreement. “It sure is, unfortunately, the princess that was supposed to attend turned down the offer to attend.” She sneered as she started walking towards the ledge. “I strongly suspect it has something to do with an obsession with olives. Peculiar, isn’t it?”

Camión followed the Presidente. “I suppose it is. Are you going somewhere with this?”

“Well, since I do plan to take over Equestria, I think I’ll need a title to fit my new position.” She stopped a yard away from the lip of the edge. “What better place to acquire a new title than here, where they are in need of a princess. But why stop there? They should be rewarded a queen!”

“Ah, now I see where this is going.”

The Presidente chuckled. “As Presidente of Bronxico and as the conqueror of Rainbow Falls, I hereby declare myself Riena of the soon to be conquered Equestria!”

“Do you want me to start hailing you know, or should I wait till we get the crown dry-cleaned?”

They could hear the whine of the splatter cannons began to die down as the mud that served as their ammunition ran out. “I suppose you can start praising me when the battle finishes up. I want everyone present to know my glory!”

“Ambassador Lechero!” Camión’s ear twitched as he heard his name. He turned around to see who was calling, only to see the who’s burning red eyes locking on to his.

“Ojas de Rojas! I mean Capitán Anochequá! What are you doing here?”

The Presidente-Riena turned to see the Capitán as well, who greeted her with a quick nod before saluting to her current superiors. “There’s a problem in Ponyville going on right now, and it’s a huge problem.”

“Is it Flu Mariposa? I thought she wouldn’t be a major problem till further in the future.”

Capitán Anochequá shook her head, keeping a stoic professional demeanor. “No, it’s much worse. She brought some friends, an Alicorn and an earth pony, and the earth pony is pulverizing our forces!”

“An alicorn?” he asked while trading a confused glance with the Presidente-Riena. “Why would a princess be getting involved in the war this early?”

“The Alicorn isn’t a princess, he’s a new one, and he’s gigantic. But he’s not the problem. It’s the earth pony! He’s the guy blowing through our forces!”

“Well, phase back there so you can take him down. A single pony can’t stop an entire army.”

“I’ve tried that, five times already. I would try more, but I can’t phase in the area before this current moment. That’s why I came to you. I need you to gather any of our forces here and send them to Ponyville.”

Camión shook his head. “I can’t spare any forces for a single pony.”

Capitán Anochequá leaned in closer. “You have to. This pony is dangerous! Other phasers are reporting him all over the time line. Some even report that he assassinated the queen!”

Uva Pastel’s head shot up in surprise. “What do you mean he assassinated me? Aren’t you supposed to stop this thing before this happens? And where did this pony suddenly come up from? I haven’t heard of any reports of a dangerous earth pony”-

The Presidente-Riena’s voice faded out of Camión’s hearing, even though he could still feel her voice. The sounds of the panicking crowd of ponies died out along with her voice, leaving the air very still. No cannons, no ponies, not even the sound of his own heartbeat, though he didn’t have a heartbeat to begin with, being made of mud and stone. The unicorn felt something incredibly wrong was about to happen.

Then came the rush. It was a smorgasbord of rushes rushing past the unicorn all at the same rushed time, all in almost an instant. He heard a heartbeat that he didn’t know he could have, and he heard it rushing significantly faster than what he thought was health. He heard the Presidente-Riena’s voice rush right at him, throwing a million words a second at him with each motion of her jaw. He sensed the crowd of ponies rush to the train with supernatural speed, running from the tunnels to the train in a matter of moments. The light of the world rushed out of existence, dipping the landscape in a dim twilight.

Then he felt the rush of air.

It hit him harder than the concussion blast he felt when the army was summoned. It felt even more electric than that blast. And it happened significantly faster. Before he could even think about it, every rush was gone.

Out of instinct, he looked back at the open landscape of Equestria, feeling as if the big thing happened out there. He saw that the sun was blotted out, eclipsed by an enormous shadow that spanned wider that the horizon. It wasn’t night, since he could see sunlight pour through beyond the shadow, miles and miles away from where they were.

And out of the dark, there came a light. It was an instant light, a light that seared through you with heat so intense that the unicorn felt the mud he was made of flash-cook into brick.

Then the light ripped through him.

---

Instinct told him to jump out of the way. Every muscle in his body flexed in just the right way to propel him to his left. Instinct, however, can’t recognize when a siltation changed, which led to Camión throwing all of his weight against a door with a plaque that read “Camión Lechero, Ambassador of the Summoned Bronxican Revolutionaries and Lieutenant of the Bronxican Imperial Army,” (Translated from Bronxican) .

His forehead smacked into the door first, followed by his foreleg, then the rest of his body on top of his foreleg. The pain seethed from his teeth as he slid down against the wall, slumping against the floor as his screaming nerves overwhelmed his senses. He didn’t feel as if anything inside him broke, so he felt a little relief for that.

Over all his moaning and groaning, he heard a tiny voice yelling at him. “What the heck was that?! You just spazzed out for no reason!”

Camión looked over to were the voice came from, which was from Star Wisp, who was getting off of her back, a position he presumed she ended up in after he ‘spazzed out’.

“Uh, sorry. Something hit me and sent me back early.”

“Early?” the Breezy scolded. “That wasn’t early. That was anything but early! You were comatose for an extra five! You had me worried!”

Camión shook his head. “No, that couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, max.”

“It was nine in the morning when you phased. It’s five in the afternoon now. You’ve been standing there for eight hours straight!”

The unicorn tried getting up, but when he pushed up with his forelegs, his limbs went limp, presumably from exhaustion. “That explains why I’m more sore than usual. That’s going to be a pain when I sleep tonight… Wait a minute, did you spend those eight hours sitting on my back?”

“It was a really boring eight hours.”

“We talked about this before I phased. Why didn’t you talk with any of the other soldiers, or Rocinante at least?”

Star Wisp shrugged. “Because I didn’t feel like it. They’re all barbaric. All they talk about are singing, dancing, and fighting, and the fighting is the best thing they have for culture.”

Camión gave her a jokingly hurtful look. “Oh, and what about me?”

She waved a hoof at him. “You’re fine, you’ve earned my respect. The other guys, they haven’t done anything to earn that. They’re just brutes walking around yelling at everything in their way.”

“You two, out of the way!” one of the aforementioned brutes yelled as he walked down the corridor. “Make way for the prisoner!” Star Wisp scurried over to Camión as the brute walked by them. “Make way for the prisoner!” he yelled again.

The two exchanged glances before looking down to where the brute came from. They saw two unicorn soldiers, lower ranks from Camión from what Star Wisp could tell, dragging a cloaked pony along the floor with their magic. Star Wisp climbed up Camión’s back as he stood up to give enough room for the guards.

As the soldiers passed by them, the duo received a chance to look at the prisoner’s face. The black hood slipped down to reveal the white face of a unicorn mare, knocked unconscious, sliding along the floor on her back. The face was covered in wrinkles, indicating that the mare was very elderly. Her right eye was covered by a tuff of curly pink hair that draped over her face. The contours of her facial features were lit up by a magical glow that kept her mouth shut.

Star Wisp’s own face went bright with realization. “I recognize her! That’s the mare that attacked me that one night!”

“What are you talking- oh,” he said as his eyes went wide as got on the same page. “That’s her! That’s the Siren! How did you catch her?” he asked the soldiers.

The guard nearest to them smirked. “Easy, she just teleported in the middle of the base. How senile did she have to be, randomly appearing out in the open with all of us on guard? Sure, she took out a couple of guys by singing, by we silenced the little birdy quite quickly. Why’d you ask, do you know her?”

“Yeah, that’s the hag that cut off my wings!” The soldier chuckled, and continued on with his duty. The duo watched as the soldiers dragged the elderly Siren around a corner, towards the prison section of the military base. “What are they going to do to her?” Star Wisp asked.

“Well, she’s going to be treated as a prisoner of war, of course. She’s going to be processed, then interrogated, probably. Maybe experimented on if we have one of those twisted scientists on base. Being a unicorn is going to make it much worse for her.”

“Why’s that?”

Camión looked the Breezy dead in the eyes. “They’re going to cut off her horn.”

The grin that stretched across the Breezy’s face seemed quite menacing and unnatural for such a small creature. “Good. Make sure she’s awake for that. I want her to know what it feels like.”

“I know you want vengeance, and that’s understandable, but you were asleep when she cut off your wings. Doesn’t making her suffer sound a little overboard?”

Star Wisp chuckled with her toothy grin. “There’s a phrase that adequately sums up Breezy foreign policy. We like to say, ‘Tit for tat, Breezies are spiteful brats.”

Author's Note:

Confused? You just read a single chapter of a greater work, which I encourage you to read through. It's some good weird stuff, more or less similar to hat you read here.

Also, I need an artist. If you read through the story, you'll find what I'm asking for in the artist somewhere in the author's notes.