EqD Writer Training Grounds short stories by Georg

by Georg

Graceful Ponies of the Night

Short description: Luna’s Hoofmaiden Laminia has never flown before. Fortunately she has a teacher. Unfortunately it’s Pumpernickel.

Evening Flight by Mechagen at DeviantArt

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Graceful Ponies of the Night
A side-story to Genealogy (or the Mating Habits of Nocturnes Pegasi)

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“I swear on Luna’s name that if you’re doing this just to make me look stupid, I’m going to make your life miserable until the day you die.”

“What are you going to do, marry me?” grumbled Pumpernickel while tying the last ribbon into the tail of Princess Luna’s Hoofmaiden.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” Pumpernickel moved around to the front edge of the Ponyville library balcony and regarded his grouchy charge, as well as the dozen long ribbons he had just finished tying into her tail. He was one of Luna’s Night Guards, sworn to her service until death, but guarding this particular charge was making him consider that last option with a bit more enthusiasm than he liked. After all, Hoofmaiden Laminia was a Very Important Nocturne Pony in Equestrian society now, assigned to the side of his Dread Sovereign, Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria, Princess of the Moon and Night, Keeper of the Stars and Planets, Matriarch of Dreams and Ruler of Shadows and most probably Watcher of Stupid Guards From Afar. With her title, Laminia should have been the perfect model of a Nocturne mare, filled with grace and decorum, a pony of class and politeness much like the other seamstress she had been partnered with.

Not quite.

Rarity had gone beyond simple politeness when the two Nocturne had been assigned to her, one for assistance with their little ‘sewing project’ for Princess Luna, and one for security, although he was starting to believe his real role was punching bag. After all, Laminia seemed to have equal amounts of sweetness and bile, and if she was being all sweetness and light to Rarity while they were working on their project, she needed a second pony to vent her spleen against.

Avoiding whispering “Only twenty-nine years until retirement” by the smallest margin, Pumpernickel gestured to the beautiful night that enveloped Ponyville, lit only by the twinkling stars and moon above. The library was the tallest building in town to practice this maneuver from, and Twilight Sparkle had approved the use of the building for training with only a few caveats.

No screaming, no crashing, no breaking in through the windows. We already have a pony for that.

“For training tonight, what we’re going to practice is the swooping takeoff. You’ve already mastered flapping in place and flying over reasonably short distances—” with more flapping than a pegasus towing an anvil “—so tonight we’re going to try swooping. You’ll love it.

“I hate it already.” Laminia peeked over the edge of the balcony while keeping all four shod feet firmly on the balcony floor. “That’s awfully hard ground down there. Shouldn’t we practice this over a lake or something?”

“Only if you want to drown when you’re caught in a downdraft.” What a wonderful idea. No, think about Luna. She actually likes her hoofmaiden, and she would be awfully upset to have to train another one.

Shaking his armored head, Pumpernickel returned to his lecture. “As I was saying, you’re going to love swooping. Our wings are far more suited to swooping down out of the sky than feathered pegasus wings—”

A large owl picked that opportune moment to swoop down out of the sky, darting nimbly between the two Nocturne to vanish into the library, headed to his perch after a successful hunt if the mouse in his beak was any indication.

“As I was saying,” continued Pumpernickel with a brief glare at where Owlicious had disappeared, “our membranous wings allow much more control over soaring and swooping than ordinary pegasus wings. As the only pony race who flies at night, this can be—”

“Excuse me! Pardon me! Excuse me!” A blur of yellow feathers zipped by, followed by a small brown bat with what looked like a teeny, tiny icepack on his head. The little bat looked at the two Nocturne briefly, shook his head, and then darted after Fluttershy into the library, headed downstairs where the first sounds of panicked pegasus could be heard.

“I’m sorry for bothering you this late at night, Twilight, but Flippy here has a very bad headache with pain going down his jawbone and I needed to borrow an anatomy book to see if—”

With a quiet thump, Pumpernickel closed the balcony door and paused.

“You were at ‘only pony race who flies at night,’” said Laminia, with an ill-concealed smirk.

“Right. Anyway, before we get interrupted again, I’d like to have you practice a few swoops. Just stand up there on the balcony, lean forward and drop down towards the ground—”

“Like I can drop anywhere else,” grumbled Laminia.

“—extend your wings, and swoop up into the sky.” He paused with one hoof raised in a dramatic gesture, trying to ignore the skeptical look from his charge.

“So when do I know to open my wings?”

“You’ll know it. Now go on and hop off the balcony.”

“So how do I ‘swoop’ up into the sky?”

“You’ll know it. Now go on, we’ve got other things to practice after we get done with this.”

“You first.” Laminia crossed her forelegs and scowled, a posture he was getting quite familiar with.

“Very well.” Pumpernickel stepped backwards off the balcony and vanished from sight, reappearing moments later as he swooped up into the air in a broad curve that dropped him back onto the balcony with only the lightest of clicking noises from the landing. “Easy.”

“I wasn’t watching. Let’s see it again.”

With a sigh, Pumpernickel repeated his performance, only this time Lamina stuck out a hoof as he plummeted off the balcony. It made him tumble, but a quick snap of the wings and he came rocketing back up into the air, flipping over to land on the balcony with the authoritative smack of armored hooves on tile. “Did you see it that time?”

“Yeah. I think I’m good for the evening. I’m going to go back and work on our project.” Laminia turned to the balcony doors and rattled them. “Locked. Lumpy! Give me the key.”

After a brief moment of confusion, it was the Night Guard’s turn to smirk. “Key? I don’t have a key. Guess we’ll just have to fly out of here.”

Laminia took to the air in a blur of rapidly-beating membranous wings, only to stop a few feet up as Pumpernickel placed one armored hoof firmly on the bundle of ribbons tied to her tail. She hovered in place, tugging at the obstinate weight on the end of her tail before flapping laboriously back down and landing on the balcony with a thud.

“Swoop,” said Pumpernickel.

After a brief second try of the balcony doors on the odd chance they had spontaneously unlocked, Laminia turned to the Night Guard with her customary scowl. “Not until you tell me exactly what I need to do. And don’t give me that ‘You’ll know it’ horseapples. Tell me exactly what it feels like.”

Pumpernickel hesitated, then moved forward to rest both forehooves on the balcony rail. “It’s the greatest feeling you will ever have.”

“Obviously you’ve never had sex.”

“The wind rushing past your ears—”

“Or through, in your case.”

“and the ground coming up at you like some huge hammer. For just one moment, you’re tempted to leave your wings tucked up and smash into the ground.”

“Like an egg.”

“But then the wind calls your name.”

“Lumpy?”

“And your wings open up all by themselves.”

“On impact?”

“It hurts for an instant as they creak under the strain, bending and popping like they’re going to tear off—”

“Lovely.”

“—and flutter to the ground, but you have to lean into the stroke and thrust down with all your might—”

“So you have had sex.”

“—and keep your fat rump from trying to get out in front and lead, which is why I tied those ribbons to your tail.”

“Fat?”

“Then you pull back with your head and point your nose up to a star like you’re going to fly straight into it. Any questions?”

“Just one.” Laminia moved up beside Pumpernickel and placed her forehooves on the rail. “Did you know Twilight Sparkle is sitting behind the balcony door, listening to everything we said?”

“Yes. She’s very noisy. Now I have a question.” Pumpernickel moved closer to his charge and pointed out into the night with one hoof. “Do you see that star?”

Laminia leaned forward, squinting. “I think so. But what does—”

“Swoop to it!” shouted Pumpernickel with an encouraging hoof to the back that sent Laminia pitching over the edge of the rail. She might have been able to open her wings and properly ‘swoop’ if the ribbons on her tail had not coiled around Pumpernickel’s rear ankle and dragged the Night Guard backwards off the balcony in her wake. There was a loud clang as Pumpernickel’s helmet struck the balcony rail, a rather subdued thump as the resulting pendulum effect smacked Lamimia against the library tree, and then a quite solid double-thud as both Nocturne landed in the bushes below.

The night air in Ponyville was nearly silent, with only the sounds of crickets, frogs, and a weak moaning from the library bushes to disturb its tranquility. Purple light spilled over the outside of the Ponyville Golden Oak Library as Twilight Sparkle poked her head over the edge of the library balcony and called out to the Nocturne below.

“Are the two of you all right? Was that the way the lesson was supposed to go?”

“Pay no attention to us, Twilight Sparkle,” sounded Laminia’s voice out of a thick and particularly thorny bush. “Our Royal Guard is teaching us how to swoop. By the way, do you have any bandages?”

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One Year Later

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The balcony of the Golden Oak Library bore few signs of its previous educational experience, other than a slightly different colored wood where the impact of Pumpernickel’s helmet against the railing had been expertly patched. The night that engulfed Ponyville was as much the same as it ever could be, given that Equestria had a Princess of the Night who liked to rearrange her beautiful stars the way some mares rearranged furniture in their homes. Standing on the edge of the balcony tonight was Princess Twilight Sparkle, her wings outstretched, and a set of ribbons tied into her tail, and beside her was a married Nocturne couple, carefully examining her preparations.

“Are you certain you want to try this?” asked Pumpernickel for the uncounted time. “I understand Rainbow Dash is your regular teacher, and—”

“Yes, I’m absolutely certain,” said Twilight, stretching her wings out and flexing them the way her teacher had trained. “I’ve studied the theory extensively, made my calculations, affixed exactly seven ribbons to my tail to balance the drag and counterbalance my horn. If I wait any longer, I’ll lose my nerve.”

“Don’t push the Princess,” said Laminia, backed up into a corner of the balcony and viewing the spectacle with amusement. “It didn’t work so well for us.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Pumpernickel with a quick smile for his radiant wife. “I think it worked out just—”

“Go!” shouted Twilight as she lurched forward, dropping off the edge of the balcony in a whirl of ribbons — which coiled around Pumpernickel’s back hoof with much the same result as last year.

Strolling casually to the edge of the balcony and avoiding the splintered section of railing where Pumpernickel’s helmet had impacted, Laminia looked down into the library bushes and tried valiantly to avoid laughing.

“Princess Twilight? Are you learning to swoop?”

There was a very long pause as purple light spilled out from the inside of the rosebush, followed by a thrashing noise and matching moans of pain.

“Shutup and get the bandages.”

Comments

[Georg]

Based off this PS238 comic book scene.

Now with a beautiful picture called Evening Flight by Mechagen

[djthomp]

That was hilarious from start to finish.

[BenRG]

Why Pumpernickel has been banned from teaching in the Academy.

For life.

[Kenshinryuu]

My mouth is never going to stop aching at this rate.

[The Old Plug]

Oh great galloping goddesses! More than once these two have made me laugh so hard I felt bones crack! Well done sir! Well done!

[Georg]

9524914 They're one of my favorite mismatched pairs. It's easy to ship two likable characters. It's hard to ship two *dis*likable characters, but the results work well. Laminia is a cast-iron bitch and Pumpernickel is a sincere but often *way* wrong example of how the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If you like these two, you'll probably like Buggy and the Beast, which has two real abrasive characters.

Once upon a time, there was a young unicorn who was scarred and battered by the cruel world until he was forced to retreat behind the walls of a solitary life as a bitter and spiteful creature. As he grew up, he remained a lonely recluse, with only his best friend for occasional companionship.

Until one day when he found something the world had treated even more callously and cruel than himself. She was a changeling, badly wounded and crushed until she hung onto life by a slender thread. The only chance she had for surviving her injuries was love, but that was no chance at all, for she was a monster in pony society.

And who could ever love a beast.