Fang
Saying goodbye to my friends was the most heart breaking thing I ever had to do. I know Twilight tried to convince Celestia to let me stay, but she wouldn't change her mind. I wasn't even allowed to bring Angel along with me. As the stallions took me away tears were running down my face.They put the cage on a cart, and drove off into the night. The last thing I saw of Ponyville was my friends all crying. My heart was broken. The thought of never seeing them again just made me weep. I tried to fall asleep to calm myself down.
About three hours later the cart stopped. The ponies opened the cage. My legs were shaking as I jumped out of the cage. Once I was on the ground the stallions ran off. I decided to go explore the area since it was my new home.
With my wings flapping hard, I took off. Now that I have bat wings I can fly much faster than I could as a normal Pegasus. I started to smell fruit, thus I headed towards the smell. It turned out it was a grove full of fresh, juicy apples. My mouth was watering. The next second I knew, I was feasting on all of the apples one by one for a few hours.
Then I heard something. I rushed to see what it was. It turns out it was another bat pony! A stallion too! His mane was as black as the night, and his coat was as red as an apple. He then noticed me and he then rushed towards me. I quickly flew into a nearby tree. I was scared he would hurt me. I was scared beyond belief. I didn't know how to defend myself in this new state. I braced for the worst.
After a little bit I got out of the tree. He then started to talk to me.
"Shoot! I thought I was the only one in this stupid place! Now it's ruined!"
"Sir. What's ruined?"
"What's it too you?"
"Oh. Well you just seemed so upset."
"Fine. I'll tell you, but let's go back to my place. Oh and what's your name miss?"
"Fluttershy."
"Well follow me Fluttershy! And make sure to keep up!"
I followed the stallion to the center of the forest. There stoop a gigantic apple tree. Applejack probably would have fainted at the sight of this tree. That made me hurt inside. To be reminded of my friends.
"Come on!." he shouted.
I quickly followed him to the top of the tree. He used his wing to sway the huge leaves away. I was amazed at what his place looked like: huge branches for hanging, nice beds made from twigs and some straw and little balcony.
"Did you make all of this?"
"Yes I did. When you’re stuck isolated from civilization, you tend to have a ton of spare time."
"Oh! That's right! I never got your name."
"It's Fang."
"Well, Fang you sure have a nice place. So what is that I ruined?"
"Well you see I have been here for about a year now."
"Gosh that's a long time Fang! Don't you miss your family?"
He didn't respond.
"Never mind about the family thing, can you just continue with your explanation?"
He took a deep breath and then continued.
"I have been so happy being free! I can do anything I want to do. No more rules! No more fears! It's just me and the trees, but now that your here I can't enjoy my solitude!"
"Well I'm sorry about that. It's my not fault I'm here. I got into a bad accident. My friends tried to fix it, but it was no use. Even though I was taken away from them only a few hours ago, it feels like forever."
I started to cry. Fang put his wing around me.
He then said,"Please don't cry because it slows you down! You are stuck here and that's that! Now do what I did and forget about them. Look at what I accomplished. Those thoughts of them hold you back. Now I’m willing to share all of my things with you. There is a catch though. You must forget about them! It will be worth while in the long run trust me. I would love to have a companion, but not one that holds on to the past! So decide now Fluttershy! "
Thoughts were racing around in my head. Maybe he was right. Princess Celestia did say I could never return to Ponyville, and that no one was allowed to come and visit me. My conscience was telling me to hold on to them, but my heart told me to let them go. I finally after a few minutes made up my mind.
"Fang."
"Yea."
"You’re absolutely right. I'm free now and I will be strong! Nothing is going to hold me back!"
"That's the spirit. Now why don't we celebrate by having a moonlit flight?"
"That sounds wonderful. Lead the way Fang."
Fang rushed out of the tree as fast as lightning. I flew beside him. The moonlight was hitting his face. It made my heart race. He looked into my eyes. He looked so dam hot! The wind flowing through his mane made him look even more dashing. I never thought I would find anything good in a place like this. I thought my fate was too be alone, but I guess I am lucky. Fang was so kind to help me out. He could of took me out.
His expression told me he liked me. He then flew down to the ground and then returned to my side.
"Um this is for you. It's a sort of welcoming present," Fang said as he placed a back rose in my hair.
"It's lovely. Thanks."
"Your welcome. It's no problem. I'm kind of happy you showed up."
"But didn't you say.."
"I know what I said, but after getting to know you a little bit I realize that being free isn't worth it if you alone. Sometimes having a special pony with you make the agony of being isolated from the rest of the world a little bit less. I feel like such a sap right now."
"Well. I for one think what you just said was really moving."
"Uh. Uh. Thanks. Now it's almost sunrise. That means it's time to go to bed."
I then just realized that I'm now nocturnal. So I have to get used to sleeping through the day. Once we returned to his tree he let me sleep in his bed, while he slept hanging on a branch. He told me to sleep in the bed for a few days until hanging on trees was comfortable.
Over the next few weeks Fang showed my ropes. He taught me a certain way to spit out the seeds from the apples so that more trees grow efficiently. He also taught me how to communicate using sonar waves like bats do. Over this time Fang and I learned more about each other. One night he told me the story of how he got turned into a hybrid.
His family was going to the county fair. He went to the petting zoo and someone was foolish to bring a Vampire Fruit Bat. It turned out it had rabies. It bit Fang, and you could guess what happened after that.
I learned to love the night! I loved flying. I loved being isolated. No more worries. No more evil monsters, changelings, or evil unicorns. I wasn't scarred of anything. A small part of me still missed my friends back in Ponyville. Every night I stare at a certain star in the Big Dipper. I secretly hoped that my friends could see it too, but as the days went on my friends were erased from my mind.
I wish this didn't happen, but what are you going to do. When life gives you bat features, you make bat pony lemonade.
The months went by and I was never cured. I just remained in the forest with my beloved Fang. I just adapted like any animal would. This is was the life that I had to live because of that freak accident, and at the end of the day my life was pretty sweet.
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you could make another chapter, or fix the ending a bit, but l like it.
3706365
I would of added more but I'm entering this in the Equestria Daily's Writer's Training Grounds which has a word limit of 1500. I had to work around the limit. I would of put a more scenes in there.
I am glad you liked it.
Wow how bout you make
3706390 a sequel with more depth and detail
3707069
I probably will but I have a full time Yugioh/pony fic to do. Maybe in the future. Maybe i'll do it on the side. I'll have to find time for it.
3707099 it'd be cool
3707126
I have this whole idea for the forest area that Flutters and Fang live in. It's divided into sections, and over time each of them would develop.
Hm i guess I'd better get to brainstorming
3708046 for some reason, they need to argue over a cave
3708319
i did have an idea that there is a cave on the west side of the property. Fang's tree is in the center, Maybe I';ll use that. Who knows. I really have to brainstorm now.
3708356 hmmm.... Lol bats is #1 topic on the site, and now ive been thinking all day of a fic that I'll never write. But really I do have tons of random ideas, useless to my fix. Like being hit by a swarm of bats and embracing it. Now I'll probably dreams of batman lol
I'm sorry but this fic seems to have quite a few problems, from the copious amounts of tell don't show to the bland as past OC love interest; but the most glaring issue I think is Celestia's OOCness to the point where it would not be surprising to find out that she was secretly replaced by Chrysalis considering her plan (exile the natonal hero who helped save equestria on multiple occasions into the everfree to die instead of taking the more reasonable option of keeping her secure in quarantine) is both pointlessly cruel (no, you cant even take your pet rabbit with you) and incredibly stupid (yes, get rid of the one pony whom Discord is fond of and can keep him under any semblance of control, especially when you don't have the elements to fall back on anymore and then act surprised when equestria explodes into a cloud of mushroom soup).
3738629
well she isn't in the everfree. She is in a secluded forest property protected by Equestria's government. She has food avaliable to them. I plan to make a sequal to this showing the ways Twilight and the others try to communicate with Flutters while she is in the forest. Well Fang is more than meets the eye. He will be explained in more deph, but i had to work around the limit of the contest. I would of made it much, much, longer.
Before anything else, let me say that I fell into the trap of offering criticism without offering solutions, and for that I am sorry, so here is some suggestions that I can make to improve your story.
Show don't tell: one of the most fundamental rules in storytelling. What happened during that meeting with celestia, what did twilight say in defense of her friend? where other options considered? why where they dismissed? did Celestia try to justify her actions? was she regretful about the whole affair? When Fluttershy asks Fang about his parents don't just say he fell silent; did his eyes glaze over? did he shift around uncomfortably? did his expression become stony? did his response seem strained or forceful? these are all things that you can and should go into detail about as it gives depth to the story and a greater understanding to the situation and characters. When Fluttershy feels sad don't have her just say "I'm sad" have her describe the emotions that are going thru her and the effects they are having on her and describe the memory's that are causing her to feel this way. One of the greatest strengths of first person perspective is how it allows the audience to experience what the character is feeling.
as for the characters
this is not something one just gets over in the span of a few hours
even is she is trying to put on a brave face for Fang she should have some serious scars.
Fang: what are his hobbies? his opinions? how does he pass his time in the forest? has it hardened him? is he resentful toward Celestia, is his happiness at his predicament genuine or is he just deluding himself or putting on a brave face? don't be afraid to flesh him out. what about his reactions to Fluttershy? Fang only begrugedly helping Fluttershy and gradualy accepting her would have been a wonderful character arc but you resolve it so quickly and with so little conflict that it may have well not been there at all.
Fluttershy: She was just ripped away from her life and everypony she knows and loves, and abandoned in a potentially hostel environment with no hope of return
The mane five: do you think that any of them are just going to let their friend die alone in the everfree. at the vary least Rainbow Dash will mount some kind of rescue attempt and the others will probably join her regardless of what celestia wants.
Discord: Fluttershy was discords leash; she's gone now, what do you think is going to happen.
Celestia: The major sticking point, why was such an extreme sentence necessary to begin with. Fluttershy is nothing like the mindless beast she was depicted as in the episode so she wasn't a danger to others; even if she had a severe addiction to fruit that could still be handled by counseling and medication. if Celestia was worried that the condition was contagious then it makes even less sense to throw them in the wild where there is no guarantee that they wont try to come back and harass nearby towns to spread the infection. In quarantine Fluttershy can be kept in a secure location where the condition can be studied and hopefully cured. if you want her to interact with Fang then you can have him and others affected by the condition contained as well. if you want to see a good story with a sympathetic Celestia who has to make a tragic decision for the good of the kingdom then you could take a look at Choices (if you have no idea what's going on read the comments, the people there have figured it out.)
3739671
I understand where you are coming from. I will take some of your suggestions when I write the sequal.
Oh and another thing about the area, they can't leave. There is a force field around the forest. Oh and I was going to have Discord try to bust Flutters out with the other main 5 but the story limitations.
I think I may just rewrite it, and put it as incomplete. I will have to do it when I'm waiting my proofreading of my Yugioh pony crossover to be done.
Thanks for the tips!
I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings in anyway.
3739847
OK this makes a lot more sense, in fact, force field forest was one of the things I was thinking about when I say quarantine. Mind you that is something you want to clarify early on in the story for your readers. its also nice to know that her friends will not abandon her though it still begs the question of why celestia did. regardless I wish you the best on the rewrite if you decide to go thru with it ( also hears a thought, what if Fluttershy and Fang are not the only batponies in the quarantine zone, what if there was an entire community of ponies bitter over their predicament.).
also no hard feeling kept.
not well written but its still ok and now that i read the comment i see why it isn't so good so after the contest is over uou can make it better
3756674
Rewrite is already in progress
3757039
dat was fast
Honestly if that story was suppose to give an emotion..... i didn't feel it. What i did feel was a rushed fan fiction that had n face expressions. It was a quick something bad happened.. 2 minutes later and now my life is perfect. The real fluttershy would of had an emotional break down / not wanting to eat drink sleep or even breath. Also needed to go more in detail with surroundings.
he is a perminment Vampire Fruit Bat Pony hybrid. You spelled permanent wrong.
i like it
deleted account DNB please make a sequel for this story