Epilogue
It had slept for so long. For millennia, it had remained in a deep, quiet sleep, undisturbed as the world continued without it. The passage of time meant little, but that had ended as the balance of the world shifted violently. Slowly, a set of serpentine eyes opened to the darkness of its prison. An intake of breath signaled the creature’s awakening as it peered ahead at the massive stone slab that served as the door to its cell.
With a shriek, the creature threw itself at the door, the sweetness of freedom waiting for it on the other side. A sigil appeared on the slab, and the magic forced the creature back, tossing it to the dirt floor of its prison. The creature hissed in pain and rage as it was flung backward. It tried many times to break through the sigil with no more luck than the first.
It’s rage and spite tempered, the creature settled down to consider its options. Clearly, the magic that bound it still held, and it would not be breaking out by force anytime soon. The beast then considered that if force would not work, subtlety would have to be its next option. Large incisors dripped venom as a wicked smile inched across its face. It might have been imprisoned, but that did not mean it was completely bound. It could feel the living souls that surrounded its prison. Pony souls, each of them blissfully unaware of its reawakening. If the ponies still existed, then it would find its way out.
Its smile took a gleeful turn at the thought of once again bringing about the plague to the world danced in its mind.
-0-
Outside of Trottingham, a sole wagon approached its outskirts. The mare pulling the wagon could barely contain her glee as she imagined the reception she would receive. For a certain showmare, she was ready to get back on stage to entertain the masses after her jaunt in a realm of darkness. For surely, Trottingham would be the start of her grand return to fame.
She was unaware of how the hands of fate were guiding her to her ultimate destiny.
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That's... going to be an interesing enemy. And you're going to make us wait through a prequel.
5001296 Heh, I've got two reasons for it though.
One: Tyranny is not the only that has an evil streak in him.
Two: It is not yet ready, only one chapter has been written currently. Though the next five have already been planned out, just not put to paper yet. I promise everyone that it will be done in time, and worth the wait.
The prequel will be less far reaching, and light hearted than The Rise of Order, but the sequel will be a bit darker. Not as in requiring the Dark tag, but a bit more mature. It will likely require the Teen tag.
If anyone has questions, feel free to ask!
lh4.googleusercontent.com/OQ7svCsPq1zE_mPTkOZbdav7dxJKwYLIrhKRf9zTWj6Ir7VZfZSV5rIKt_K-71O3z-ZXvRn8yL1ftwsYT1pEg0GiyM-EASPIBOmfeeqIMjYQqgd_qYBZfnDJThiZ8pIi1wNp-yy1Rw
6056391
Genuflecting is not strictly an act of worship or prayer. It is a sign of respect. This is done to rulers as well.
Source: Merriam-Webster's website.
Incidentally, this is something I've known since watching Aladdin as a kid. "Genuflect, show some respect, down on one knee!" Such nostalgia.
As promised, here is my review for this story.
The first thing I want to say is that I enjoyed the premise. Discord having an opposite is an idea that's been thrown around the fandom before. While it's nothing new, it's a fun thing to read about, and would certainly fit within the show's mythology. Based on the description alone, your story looks like something worth reading.
The story starts with the introduction of three support characters, and I have to say I enjoyed them. They weren't complex OCs, but they're easy to understand, have clear motivations, and genuinely got me interested. Tormod seemed a bit bland to me at first, but I got more invested in him as the story went on. Tourmaline is the one who really came alive for me. I enjoyed her scenes, and felt she added to the story without overshadowing the main characters. Definitely a good job with these characters.
The mane six were also well written. I found the conversations between them, from Rarity's antics to Pinkie's enthusiasm, got me to feel like I was reading a pony story. I would say, based on this story alone, you seem to shine as a writer when trying to emulate the show's tone. Things like the main characters playing on a waterslide, or ancient tomb explorers getting lost in the wilderness à la Daring Do, I could imagine these things in an episode.
The biggest problem with this story, however, comes with elements that clearly exist outside of the show's trappings. I'm mostly talking about Tyranny himself. From his first appearance, to his scenes with Chrysalis, to the endless fights at the end, I wasn't sold to his character. The first problem is that he comes off as too powerful. He can best any other character in single combat without much trouble, as well as being a master manipulator, and being a few steps ahead of the heroes. We're told he lost his original body, but that doesn't seem to stop him from using extremely powerful magic, even as he's in an earth pony's body.
For a villain to truly be effective, he needs to have flaws, but to be shown overcoming those flaws. For example, you could have him be limited by his host body's capacity, having to rely on his wits alone. He could then use his knowledge of Equestria to manipulate others into doing his bidding. As it is now, a good chunk of the story is devoted to him beating up one character after the other, being seemingly unstoppable. It got too predictable for my taste.
The shadow theme also came off as too cliché. We're initially told he's the spirit or order, and his power should reflect that. Having a villain use darkness as a weapon is overdone, and makes said villain look cheap.
On the technical level, this story isn't necessarily bad, but still suffers from pacing issues. One good example is the first time the ponies use the element, in chapter 12. A good deal of time is spent showing Celestia trying to stall Tyranny, as the elements charge. We're clearly shown that it's their major weakness, that they need time to charge. However, in the same chapter, they seem to charge almost instantly, with no real mention of how they overcame this limitation the second time. We get this impression because they begin charging at the end of a paragraph, and immediately go off in the next, without any mention of what other characters do in the meantime.
Many chapters also begin with the reader being told exactly when it's taking place in relation to the previous chapter. This seems to break narration. Most of the time, this information isn't important. If it is, there are more subtle ways to pass it around. I did enjoy your dialogues though. They flowed naturally, with the characters being expressive and not just standing around.
Overall, I'd say this story shows your potential as a writer, but also fails in other aspects, such as the main villain's presentation. I definitely enjoyed the more "slice of life" aspects of it the most, while the action didn't feel as inspired. Perhaps having a villain who's more "down to earth" and in tune with the universe's tone would have fixed that.
I hope this review helps.
6150456 I thank you so much for the honest review. Truly I appreciate it. Character interactions are always my favorite thing about writing. Right next to world building. So I'm glad to see you enjoyed my characters as much as I did.
You bring up a very good point in my villain. I realize now that I OP him in a few of the fight scenes, when I had thought I had limited him in many. The Chrysalis fight was his first, so he had to prove the strong for him to be taken seriously. (As my thought was) But your idea of him being limited to the earth pony limitations was something I hadn't (and wished I had) considered at the time. That would have been a perfect angle to go with him and to show case his manipulation abilities even further. I'll have to remember such concepts for future writing.
As for my other OCs, I'm glad you liked them. In this story, I loved writing for Tourmaline, she was my favorite. Tormod was slow to start and Wanderer was absent for most of it. But if you enjoyed them here, might I politely suggest you check out the prequel Three from the Forest as it is their background story.
I am on the final chapter of your story and a review will soon follow!
Cheers!
6154970
I'll keep it in mind. I have a pretty long read later list, so I can't make any promises.
It really shows that Tourmaline is your favorite too. I find that pov characters are also characters we learn to love. My own Silvermane, whom you've seen in my fic, is a character I put way too much thought into, haha. Either way, I'm glad that you appreciated my review. Happy to be of help.
6057654
Thanks for the info! >_<
I really need to use my dictionary more.
7418628 I know, right? I often wonder if it is because of the quality of Rise is why my series hasn't drawn or kept attention. When I go back and read it now, I cringe. It's not a bad story, just badly written. And I'm being honest about my own work here, not really trying to sugar coat it.
Also, I do want to say that I am glad you went back to read it. Even if it is no where near the quality of my work now, it is still kind of my pride. It started everything, you know?
I do often think I should go back and give Rise a complete facelift. Not rewrite the story, just make it more readable. It does bring up a question I've had. Is going back and fixing such stories after they're published considered taboo and something to avoid, or is it okay to do so? I've had some readers who has liked my story, and I really don't want to upset them by changing it, but at the same time, I would like to see it as a better read quality wise. I might even bring in more readers if I did.
Still, thank you for reading. Rise is still a good story, and worth a read, as I like to think. Hope you enjoy it.
7418763
I think it's okay to do that. Fixing grammar errors is I think a non-issue. Restructuring sentences and maybe changing some scenes I still think is fine.
I know that SSE has done it with his magnum opus -- and that involved changing the chapter structure, so probably more substantial than what you would do -- and afaik not a single person complained. Even I didn't, and it happened while I was reading.
I think, if someone is a fan of this story, and then you rewrite it, if anything that's more of a reason to read it again, since now it is a bit new. Why would he stop liking it?
8825163
No, but you didn't need to. The way you kept coming back to the effects of the wind on the characters from the beginning of the scene to the end told me it was constant. I had no doubt in my mind that it was a constant strong blowing wind, that the trees were almost permanently bent over and threatening to break. I just assumed it was some sort of anomaly caused by Tyranny.
Honestly, this was the detail that made it seem like it was constant.
It's not really a big problem, but it should be addressed since it gave me such a different view of the scene than you were clearly going for. I reread the scene and you do state that the wind gusts up, but I just saw that as the wind blew a bit stronger than it already was. You never state anywhere that it stops completely. So, to fix this, I'd say the part where you have Rainbow eat her cake, the wind should gust, she should cover the cake with her wing, and eat it when the gust ends. This little bit of added detail will provide an instants where the wind stopped, showing the reader that the gusts are not constant.
8825166
They were done very well. My only suggestion would be to not describe their facial expressions during a fight. Grinning when a blow hits, or their eyes going wide when someone leaps at them distracts from the action, and just seems like a very Anime-like thing to do.