You Can't Have It All

by totallynotabrony

Chapter 5

Saturday morning, Cherub was up early. “I’ve got so much to do before the show,” she said, buzzing around the room.

“You’re not the one who’s in it,” I reminded her.

“But I have to get everything ready. And believe it or not, even if I’m not on the runway, I have to at least look decent. By comparison, you have it easy.”

I doubted that, but said nothing. “The show starts at noon,” Cherub instructed. “Be there by eleven. Make sure your hair is nice.” She zoomed out of the room.

I had time for a leisurely breakfast, but followed it with homework. Doing my hair would take time, but I figured untangling and making sure it was shiny would be good enough.

I was inside the building where the show was being held by eleven a.m., but I was still afraid of being late. There were people rushing around everywhere. Adding to that was a virtual maze of things backstage. I was lucky to run into Cherub.

She grabbed my hand and led me quickly to a changing room. “I’ve got everything here. Get dressed and come out so we can make final adjustments.” She thrust a paper bag into my hands. “Don’t mind my stuff in the bottom of the bag.”

I went into the room and shut the door. I didn’t know what was in the bag, and I felt the excitement at seeing something you’ve never seen before combined with the disappointment of getting something you don’t think you’ll want.

It was a simple dress made of the teal and gold material Cherub had shown me. It fit quite well, but the neck and hems were racy enough to make me slightly uncomfortable. Also in the bag was a simple necklace made of gold beads, a tan purse and teal shoes.

I had no problem with the other accessories, but the shoes nearly gave me a heart attack. At first glance, the heels didn’t look all that high because the shoes had to be proportionately large to fit me.

I dug into the bag and found Cherub’s things. Pulling out her measuring tape, I put it to the shoes. The heels were five inches. Dear sun and moon.

When I had everything on, I opened the door and promptly hit my head on the top of the frame, forgetting to compensate for the shoes. Despite that, Cherub clasped her hooves together and her face lit up. “You look even better than I hoped!”

“I can’t wear this,” I muttered, rubbing my aching forehead. “I have no idea how to walk in high heels.”

“That’s why you’re here so early. Come on, I’ll help you practice.” She walked me up and down the row of changing rooms until I could move without threatening to topple over, although it wasn’t long before I was drawing a crowd.

Before the show began, Cherub gave me a little polishing. I hadn’t thought there was anything wrong with the clothing or my hair, but she worked me over anyway.

Standing backstage as the music cued up and the lights went down, I started to feel nervous for the first time. The outfit wasn’t really skimpy, but I was unused to dressing that way.

I didn’t have much time to dwell on it, though. I was lined up to be one of the first. I walked out. The announcer called, “Tungsten Tammy wearing an outfit designed by Cherub.” Great, now the whole crowd knew my name.

I walked slowly, head up like Cherub had shown me. The sound of the crowd changed when they saw me. There were even a few hooves pointed. If I wasn’t concentrating so hard on not tripping over my shoes, my face probably would have been red. When I got to the end I turned around and headed back. It was a challenge to not speed up my walk to get behind the curtain more quickly.

It was a relief to get out of sight again. Out on the runway, I thought I heard the sound of my phone receiving an e-mail. I had put it and the rest of my things into the purse for safekeeping.

When I checked the phone, I found that I had forgotten to turn it off. The e-mail was from Transmitter.

We opened the box. You need to get to the office ASAP. It’s an emergency.

He might want me to get there quickly because of the good news of opening the box, but the mention of an emergency set me on edge. I figured it was something bad.

The show would go on for at least another hour. I might be able to find Cherub in the crowd, but I had no idea how busy she would be. From the tone of Transmitter’s message, I didn’t know if I had time to change out of the clothes.

With a sigh, I headed outside to my truck, wobbling on the heels.

At the HSS office, I knocked on the door. There was no response. I tried the knob and it turned. Transmitter and Hickory were there.

“What’s going on?” I asked, taking a step forward. I felt a shock like electricity and hit something I couldn’t see in the door frame. I jumped back, nearly falling.

There were a few pieces of printer paper laid out on the computer desk. Transmitter grabbed one and held it up. I read the letters on it written in black marker.

We opened the box and it set up some kind of force field. He turned the paper over. No sound in or out, no objects in or out.

Okay, so we couldn’t hear each other, I couldn’t get in, and they couldn’t leave.

You need to bring Cloud here, said Transmitter’s sign.

I dug in the purse and found my notebook. I wrote, Couldn’t you have e-mailed her instead?

No computer.

So call her.

No phone, either. Besides, wireless signals can’t leave the force field. He turned the paper over and continued writing. We were only able to send e-mail to you because the office computer is connected with a wire that leads out.

OK, so where is she?

He gave me her address. Hickory added, What’s with the outfit?

Long story. I left to go find the Cloud. I waited until I was away from the office to turn on my phone again, punching the address into a GPS application.

It was an apartment. I’m not sure what I was expecting. A cave, maybe. Anyone without a phone or internet might as well be living in one. I knocked on the door.

A pegasus mare with a curly mane and thick glasses answered. She looked up at me, surprised.

“Hello,” I said, trying to be as friendly as possible. “I just started working with the Hay-town Supernatural Society. Transmitter and Hickory got into some trouble and they sent me to get you.”

“What kind of trouble?” she asked.

“There was some kind of box we found. They opened it and it created something like a force field in the office. They’re stuck there.”

“I guess I better come.” She turned away from the door. “Come in,” she said over her shoulder. I ducked my head and stepped in. The apartment was furnished strangely. It almost looked like an old zebra alchemist’s hut from the movies or something.

Cloud appeared from another room holding a messenger bag. “I’m ready. By the way, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Tungsten Tammy.”

“I’m Cloud. Did you drive here? I don’t have a car.”

“I’ll drive you to the office.” We left the apartment and walked outside.

As we drove I said, “So, you’re a witch.”

She shrugged. “And you’re a monster.”

I almost grabbed her by the neck and beat her senseless right there in the truck. That is something you do not say to a minotaur. It took me a second to realize that it had been a counter-insult, though.

I cleared my throat. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s all right. Just avoid the w-word in the future. I find it demeaning.”

“So, you’re a librarian?”

“That’s right. I see you read the article on the website. Transmitter convinced me to do it.”

“You know him personally?”

“He didn’t tell you? We’re dating.” Rather than leave me with the awkward job of responding to that, she asked me to describe more about what was going on at the HSS office. By the time we got there, I had told her everything that I knew.

When Cloud opened the door to the office, she spent several minutes communicating in writing with Transmitter and Hickory. After that, she began unpacking things from her bag. Several minutes later, she had the barrier dismantled and the two of us were able to walk through the door with no trouble. Well, almost no trouble. I ducked, but caught my horns instead of my forehead. Those shoes were terrible.

Cloud examined the box and made comments while Hickory took notes. It would be something interesting to post on the site. Which reminded me that I didn’t yet have anything to write about.

When Cloud and I left, Transmitter and Hickory were hard at work figuring out how to manipulate the box to be more user-friendly. I could see a couple of ways how it could be helpful to have a barrier that kept sound and people both inside it and outside it.

“How long have you been working for HSS?” asked Cloud while I drove. “Transmitter hasn’t even mentioned you to me.”

“Just a couple of days. I’m studying journalism in college, and I thought it would give me writing experience. I’m looking for my first story.”

“If you’re stuck, try writing about what you know.”

“Well, I know what happened on Moose Island, but we decided not to publish that as a courtesy to the others involved.”

“Really? You were there? Small world, I know somepony else who was.”

I figured she was the one who had told Transmitter and Hickory about it. Judging by the response to their post on the forum, not that many people knew about the incident.

“We might write about it eventually, but for now I’m looking for something else,” I said.

“Well, what’s going on in your life right now?”

I found myself telling her about the Dealmaker investigation. Cloud listened until I had finished.

“Did you know you can make listening devices magically?”

“No.”

“I actually have some lying around I could give you. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of incriminating evidence, but you need just a little more to seal the deal.”

At her place, Cloud found the things she needed. There were apparently several ways to make remote listening devices. Like with her magic detectors, Cloud liked to use crystal.

“After all, you can make non-magic radios with them,” she explained.

That made sense. As much as magic could make sense, I thought. “How am I supposed to use them?”

“Put this one where you want to listen,” she said, indicating a clear, glass-like prism. “This is the receiver.” She pointed to what looked like a piece of white quartz.

“Do I…stick it in my ear or something?”

“When you hold it, you can hear the sound. I’ve boosted the listening to be extra sensitive, while not overpowering.”

“Can I record things?”

“Sure.” She produced a fine chain that looked similar to what the magic detectors had been made with. “This will bring the recorder into the loop so it will respond to magic. Make sure the chain encircles the recorder. After that, just hold the crystal close to it.”

It sounded complicated to me until I realized how difficult it must have been for her to figure out how to make magic and electronics play nice.

“What do I owe you?”

“I usually cut HSS a deal, but if you’ll talk with me for a moment, I’ll let you have them at no charge.”

“Talk about what?”

“You. I’ve been doing some psychological study lately, and you represent a new and interesting subject.”

“Psychological study?” I wasn’t sure whether I should be insulted.

“I don’t have many hobbies,” she said, shrugging.

“Am I really that fascinating?”

“Have you ever met anyone as unique as you? How did you get to be the way you are?”

I started with a few details, but before I knew it I was telling Cloud the story of my life. I hadn’t intended to, but she was a good listener and managed to get the story out of me just like she had with the Dealmaker investigation.

I talked about my younger years and basketball, but not too much. While I didn’t like to remember Moose Island, it ended up being the biggest thing that ever happened to me.

“How do you feel about that?” Cloud asked.

I detected the psychiatry aspect of the question, but answered it anyway. “I guess I’m a little resentful. I was just there to protect my cousin and I never knew any of that was going to happen. I didn’t even believe what was happening until the necromancy started-”

I stopped suddenly and took a breath. “Sorry. I saw bad things happen. Ponies used to think of minotaurs as monsters, but that night I saw what real monsters look like.

“I guess I wanted so badly to get away from that, from being a part of that, that I moved far away and tried to become someone completely different. I’m doing everything I can do. I’m staying busy.”

Cloud paused, as if making a diagnosis. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Tammy, but you’re kind of moody and hassled. I think you would enjoy life more if you would let a few things go.”

“How am I supposed to do that? How do you make things seem so normal despite the fact that you’re a wit—sorry—magic user?”

“The trick is strategic sacrifice. You have to learn to let some things go. For instance, I’m sacrificing an active social life by keeping this library.”

It was then that I realized we had been talking for the better part of an hour. I had to meet Kicker. Cloud wouldn’t let me leave until I promised to at least think about making some sacrifices.

The first thought that went through my mind was Okay, but no goats or virgins. That would have been terrible and monstrous of me, though.

I wanted to get back to the dorm and change clothes before I called Kicker. Unfortunately, he was waiting for me when I got there. I had told him which room was mine, after all.

“You’re looking good today,” he said as I approached.

“My roommate forced me to,” I said, briefly explaining about the show. “I haven’t had time to change back yet. Let me at least get out of these shoes. These things are killing me.” I had had enough of being fashionable for one day.

We went to dinner at the cafeteria and afterwards Kicker walked me back. “I’ll see you at noon tomorrow for the aquarium,” he said.

That left me plenty of time in the morning to get things done, although I didn’t mention any of them to him.

That night, I had time to think about things to sacrifice. I was already giving up a shot at a basketball career for an attempt at being a normal member of society. I thought I could balance school and HSS well enough without giving up on either one.

My thoughts turned to Kicker. He was a great guy, but I realized that I felt no connection to him. It might be nice to have someone to hang out with, but it seemed like we were both looking for something more. I certainly had enough trouble working him into my schedule.

I had never initiated a breakup before, but I thought about it now. Maybe the next day after going to the aquarium would be good. Going out on a good note. I suddenly felt sorry for Kicker. I hated to do that to him, but I hated to lead him on even more.

The next morning, I got up and drove to Dealmaker’s neighborhood. I parked several streets away from his house. It was early and the sun hadn’t come up yet.

Dealmaker usually parked his car in the garage attached to his house. I figured it was too much to ask to get inside and plant the crystal near his telephone, but maybe I could slip it into the car. He might say something incriminating during a cell phone call, after all.

I figured he had an alarm system. Nobody with a house that nice didn’t. I didn’t want to break in if I could help it. I crept around the house, avoiding windows and trying doors.

There was a side door attached to the garage. In comparison with the security I expected, I was surprised to find an outward-opening door with a cheap lock. It could be opened with a credit card.

Still, what if physical security was lax because an electronic security system was in place? I had an idea to counter that. I crept around the corner of the house so I could see the front door and the large windows that flanked it. Cherub’s phone was in my pocket, taken from her purse while she slept. I was still undecided whether I would tell her that I swiped it or not. That was a bridge to cross later. Now, I needed a secure way to make a call.

I dialed a number. After several rings, a sleepy Fresh Face answered.

“This is Tammy. I need a favor from you. If you help me out, you’ll never hear from me again.”

“This is like extortion!”

“Maybe, but are you listening? Do this one thing, and I’ll leave you alone.”

“What is it?”

“Call Dealmaker and tell him that you’ll be at his house in a few minutes.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

“What am I supposed to tell him? He’s going to wonder.”

“Tell him it’s a secret and you can’t say on the phone.”

“I don’t have his home number.”

I really, really wished that I’d burned Fresh when I’d first gotten the chance. After I got her to call Dealmaker, I might do it anyway. “I don’t believe that, but I’ll give it to you just the same. Get ready to write it.” I told her the phone number.

“Call him. Do it right now.” I hung up.

Within a few minutes, a light came on upstairs in the house. Shortly after that, a light came on downstairs and I saw Dealmaker move towards the front door. He deactivated the security alarm, and stood peering out the window.

I moved back to the side door of the garage and used my student ID card to slip the bolt of the lock back. The door swung open silently and I moved to Dealmaker’s car. It was simple work to open the door, place the crystal under the driver’s seat and close the door quietly.

Back at my truck, I checked to make sure the other crystal was plugged in to my jury-rigged listening device. My digital recorder was able to add more memory with replaceable memory cards. With a couple of cards to rotate in and out, it could record nearly indefinitely. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take that long to get something good.

When Kicker came by, he was apologetic. “Sorry, I had to park in the garage across campus. It’s a bit of a walk to get there.”

“It’s all right. I’ll drive.” I grabbed my keys and we went outside.

As we traveled along the lake shore road, we made small talk. It was a good thing, because my mind was somewhere else, mentally rehearsing what I would say to Kicker when we were on the way back. Something along the lines of I like you, but there’s just something missing. Sorry.

Kicker had just said something, but I wasn’t paying enough attention. “Sorry, what?” I said.

“I wish you would put more time and effort into this relationship,” he said. Wait, since when was he the one displeased with how things were going?

“I’m doing what I can.”

“It’s almost like you don’t need me.”

I suddenly didn’t like his tone. “Are you implying that I should be dependent on you?”

“I just want you to open up,” he said. “The more I get to know you, the more I realize that you’re keeping me at arm’s length from your personal life.”

“I’ve known you for what, two weeks?”

“Well, is there a set time amount of time that has to pass before you trust someone? It’s not very ladylike.” His expression immediately changed as if he’d realized that he had said too much. I wasn’t about to let him get away with it, though.

“Ladylike? I’ve been trying to deal with it, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not a mare. Maybe I’ve got issues, but if you were a decent guy you’d help me deal with them.”

“Since when is this about me?”

“It wasn’t, but we can go there if you want.”

“Hang on—”

“Do you want someone that you can keep under your hoof? Someone who’s going to roll over for you? Am I not that person? Do I intimidate you? Is it because I’m too tall?”

“Well…” He didn’t say no.

I slammed on the brakes and pulled the truck over to the side of the road. Other motorists honked at me.

“Get out,” I said to Kicker.

“What, here?” We were miles from campus.

I pulled the forgotten screwdriver out from under the seat and menaced him with it. He quickly opened the door and exited. I drove away.

“Aww, a breakup. That’s sad,” said Cherub when I got back. “Let’s go get drunk.”

“It’s Sunday.”

“The liquor stores are open.”

It was a tempting idea, but I figured that if she tried to match me drink for drink this time, she’d probably get alcohol poisoning. Besides, I had an errand to run. Between Dealmaker’s goons and Kicker, I needed to get a new cell phone number.

I drove to the mall where I remembered there was a cell service shop. I parked and walked into the building. There were the usual kiosks and directories near the door. A few newspaper machines and junk food dispensers filled in the empty spaces along the walls.

An electronics shop near the door had their large TV’s on display, all tuned to the same sports channel. I stopped in my tracks. Haycago University’s basketball team was playing. It was a close game and the timer had only a few minutes left.

The store’s glass window suddenly fogged in front of my nose. I hadn’t realized that I was leaning so close. Taking a step back, I looked around.

The basketball players had bright jerseys with numbers and their names on them. They were on TV for entertainment. The nearby newspaper machine showed a paper’s front page. The text was small and the reporter byline at the top even smaller. Facts and truth cost a few bits per copy.

I stood there for a little while longer than simple realization should have taken. What did I want? What did I want most?

I walked over to buy a newspaper. I decided that it was something I wanted to have.

When it was finally published two months later, the story of Dealmaker’s shady business made the front page of the Tribune. It was authored by Font Courier, but I was given credit as a contributor. It was true that I had provided most of the incriminating evidence, while she had actually penned the article. Besides, an unknown getting a headline story would be a story in itself. At this point, I was content keeping a low profile working for HSS.

The trial was long and public, but Dealmaker eventually went to jail. Less publicized were the convictions of Dockside, Fresh Face, and a couple of others involved.

Unfortunately, Haycago didn’t change much with the loss of only one corrupt politician. I suppose that means I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me, but why confine myself to just one city? I’ve been talking with Transmitter and Hickory, and with careful work HSS may be able to host a kind of crime fighting network in addition to our normal supernatural news. Cloud thinks we may be stretching ourselves a little thin. She says we can’t have it all.

I’ve spent more time with Cloud, and chosen to abide by her ideas on sacrifice. I’ve probably given up a basketball career to pursue journalism, but I’m okay with that. I’ve also given up attempting to be normal. Normal people don’t try, they just are. I can either redefine my definition of normal, or I can accept that I will never be it. After all, being able to reach the top shelf is pretty cool.

Comments

[Slip Kid]

Yes you can, it just requires firearms, explosives and a dubious moral compass.

[totallynotabrony]

3767248 Fair enough

[Kris Overstreet]

It starts out interesting, but the last chapter seems very rushed and anticlimactic. It doesn't pay off so much as unravel. Granted that this is somewhat like real life, it's not what I was expecting after four chapters of gradually building tension in multiple plot lines.

[viperhshark0]

No Aluminum, Al?

[nemryn]

3768726
Yeah, I kinda have to agree with this. This feels pretty flat; there's conflict, but no tension. Some stuff happens, and then some more stuff happens, and then it's over.

[Lithl]

3767248
Magnetic cluster mines! Dig trenches and fill them with acid!

[TheYellowShoe]

Good story. Also like the name Tammy, cause that's my name. Thanks

[BlueNinja]

3773021 What they said - the lead-up in the previous four chapters strongly implies a more epic storyline, and instead it's all over in the blink of an eye. We don't know what evidence she gathered, or what the thingy in the box actually did, and worst of all, we never find out about the island that made her give up basketball!

That would have been terrible and monstrous of me, though.

And that makes it a better line than whatever you probably actually said.

[Shumiry]

My opinion on this story has been pretty well expressed by the other comments on here. I think it starts off well, and I felt it maintained an interesting tempo. It reads like a good detective novel, and I like that, but the end does seem to just happen out of the blue. Really that was my only issue with it. Regardless, I still enjoyed it, so thanks for writing it!

Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!

[Jordan179]

I liked Tammy as a character, and the situation was interesting but seemed more of a set up for future stories. Also the resolution seemed rushed. I never actually understood why Kicker liked her -- I found her mostly likeable (but then I have a soft spot for large, strong, smart females) -- and was actually expecting to find out that he was related to Deal Maker and was trying to worm his way into her company to get information from her (or worse). I also didn't see her liking all that much about him (which made the breakup not very surprising). I like this storyverse -- I'm guessing it's half a century or more in the future of the show.