After discovering a changeling infiltrator Princess Twilight Sparkle decides that it's time to remove the threat of the Changeling Hive. She will free them from the tyranny of Queen Chrysalis, and bring harmony to them, proving to all that she is fit for her new station.
The changelings are not so easily swayed, and rebel against the perceived invasion. Will the changelings be able to retain their sovereignty, or will they become annexed by Equestria? The Changelings are fiercely independent, and Twilight is just as fierce in her quest to bring harmony to them, which side will break first?
Cover provided by Kadlawuvswubs
Chapters (6)
Decent start I guess. I want to see when Twilight goes OCD on making them act like ponies though.
3653417 I will try not to disappoint in that regard. The prologue ballooned from original plan as I used it to explain a few things, so I split it off and posted it seperately.
OCD is coming.
Interesting beginning, given the description. I wonder where Twilight will get the idea to "save" the Changelings from Chrysalis if she currently believes all Changelings are evil...
Interesting developments, but... I'm still waiting for an explanation of why Twilight believes Chrysalis is solely responsible for all Changelings' actions.
That is coming, right?
3662460 I hope to not disappoint in this regard, if I do rake me over the coals about it.
Probably no update today, there'll be one tomorrow.
Take the rl invasion of Iraq and boost the problem by 10. Unless they stay together 24/7 or have an uncover changelings spell, the guards will be in constant danger of infiltration by angry, hungry changelings..
This is interesting. You've caught my attention with the premiss alone. I'll admit there is a lack of detail and depth to the world in general which may lead to minor plot holes but it is very easy to read at the same time, not going overboard with anything. A very relaxing, casual read given the premise.
Best of luck, I look forward to the continuation.
Interesting.
3665616 Thank you kindly sir, this was as much an exercise in attempting to break my long habit of writing what amounted to essays. That it's "realizing and casual" is fantastic.
Thank you kindly for your words, I will endeavour to world build more effectively too.
3667196 To be honest that sounds like a problem I've had myself, large sections of story that ramble on for very little progression. Balance is such a tricky thing to achieve...
3667295 What I often struggle with is a combination of that, and "Point-point-point" writing. That is, writing plot points without proper establishment so a billion things are thrown at the readers face before they can react or digest.
This is a really good exercise and I appreciate the input of you and the rest, I would kill to know what the two that voted it down are thinking.
Another entertaining chapter but I believe it needs a touch of cleaning up. I'm afraid it's currently riddled with odd line brakes and what appears to be missing words, e.g.
Interesting developments, but barely readable for the reasons ScopeEva pointed out. There appears to be a lot missing.
3670225 Thats really weird, pulled until it's fixed.
Which might take some time, I'm computer less.
3670225 Alright, fixed. From what I can tell every single italicized word disappeared and was replaced with a line break. No idea how or why that happened.
captain pike is a cool guy.
3706107
I hope his "turn" wasn't too abrupt, I always feel like I haven't developed everything fully enough- but this 15,000 words as it is.
3706423
Nah, I think you did pretty well establishing him as the upstanding levelheaded guy. In fact, I like him better much better than that other captain people like so much, what his face, Shinning Armpit or something like that?
there's some shit you gotta elaborate on, like why the fuck is Luna tearing shit up but I got faith in you, bro. I got faith!
3706738 The final chapter is in progress, and I'm glad to hear I'm not totally failing.
I know I'm better then I was when I started months ago, but I also know I'm still not very good so it's like, I'm constantly paranoid I'm writing drivel.
I thought his name was Flash Sparkle?
Sentry Flare?
Shining Sentry?
Beefchunk?
Ha! Lovely conclusion!
I'm guessing Twilight learned her lesson about international relations? I certainly hope so, especially if she'll be making an appearance in the next story.
My only "criticism" is that I wish we could have seen exactly what happened with Eta-Gamma's mission, especially how he told Celestia of the occupation... the look that must have been on Celestia's face after being told Princess Twilight Sparkle--her student, protege, and daughter-in-all-but-name--led an invasion, imprisoned a ruling monarch, occupied Changeling territory, and attempted to impose a farce of a government!
3713031 Perhaps there will be a short explaining that, I preferred to focus on the occupation itself since this started ballooning in word count beyond what I had expected.
Thank you for your kind words.
Open question to anybody that might see this:
How did you feel about the Nightmare Moon dealio at the end? I decided, based entirely on ~non-canon interpretation~ that Luna is in more or less total control of that form, and either becomes it when she's super pissed, or turns into it at times. It's like a power booster or something. Sometimes she uses it for shock value- and the laser canon power, and sometimes she becomes it just because she's super pissed.
This idea is important for the sequel so I felt like asking.
3713551
Personally, I prefer the idea of Nightmare Moon being the result of something that possessed Luna, but I'm not entirely opposed to stories that make NMM and Luna one and the same.
3713551 I just go with, nightmare moon happens when Luna gets so enraged she loses control of herself.
This is my "entirely canon" interpretation.
I bucking adore the idea of this story. And there are definitely some bronies who NEED to read this. Like, seriously, you are such a master of helping people see their wrongs. I bucking love you. You're saving lives out there. ♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡
3797008 Well thank you very kindly friend.
I was a bit baffled that nobody else seemed to freak out seeing as when Nightmare first appeared she was considered a heavy threat. Th fact she transformed and nobody but the changelings and Pike cared felt kinda off. I would've suggested not using it. Especially as the show seems to lean towards it being some sort of evil she was purified of. If she still uses it, that suggests to me the evil wasn't entirely removed.
Still a solid story, kinda feel like Twilight got off easy though, she came across as more being worried she'd failed Celestia than any sort of guilt over what she'd done to the changelings.
3828113 Firstly, thanks for reading the whole thing.
To get to your points: I had considered the Nightmare Moon deal. In the end I went with it so I could use it later, even if it is totally running against canon. Your interpretation may or may not be correct I dunno. *cough*
You do have a point that reactions to it are iffy, and Twilight getting off easy is a fair point too.
Danke for the input.
Luna being a tyrant in this story is the only bad thing in this story. I hate the Tyrant Luna in this story and I hate you for making her that but I love your story so like and fave on this story and I will read the next one soon.
3837144 Eeeh less of a tyrant, more doing what she thought was needed to protect Equestria, these dudes did invade like, months ago after all. Maybe I went too far? It's possible. I used her as a foil representing what Twilight would have to do if she wanted to carry things to their conclusion.
Criticism noted however, and thank you for your input. Input is the best.
3837153 I am sorry I don't wanna come off as an ass. It don't help I have a crush on Luna ether but it you kinda made her look bloodthirsty in this fic. Like she was itching for a fight like Nightmare Moon I'm totally shitting myself right now with fear scary stuff.
3837162 Never worry about sounding like an ass, criticism is the way we grow as artists. If you wanna straight up say it was bad and terrible that's a valid opinion to have.
She was totally supposed to be scary so I suppose succeeded on that point. My core idea there was Luna doesn't mess around with anybody she considers an enemy. 'Don't mess with Equestria, I will find you.'.
two
Small series of ponies?
3850324 This is hilarious and may this stand as a monument to my hasty editing, thank you for point this out as well as the earlier point.
I think there should be more explanation as to why Celestia came to the rescue so readily. I would think she would need some convincing before coming to their aid.
3850401 Possibly, that and Twilight being shoved to the side and 'getting away with it' stand as points of criticism. Maybe in the future I'll come back and consider them, but not any time soon.
Thanks for the insight though, insight is the best thing of all things.
Definitely one of the better changeling fics around. One thing that rubs me the wrong way is how well everything turned out. I'm expecting shit to go down in the sequel.
3856557 The sequel some shit does go down, but it had a lighter tone since I was using it more of a breadboard to experiment with character interplay.
The third one, woooooooh boy shiz is gonna shiz right up.
Anyway, thanks for the kind words.
This was kind of disappointing.
I read the whole thing; it's a good idea, and a good plot, but it needs an editor. Badly.
3958011 I agree, it did fall apart a few times. Once I've improved my skills enough I will definitely take another look at it.
Thanks for the comment, if you've got anything specific let me know.
I'm probably going to do some heavy re-writing a few months from now when I've finished with A Circle Has No End. My writing style is still hecka amateur, but it's evolved significantly.
Anarchy
good luck getting that reference
Well, I finally got time to go through this. I have... mixed feelings about it. The first chapters felt slow, clunky, and confused. Who was the protagonist? Who am I supposed to be following and caring about? Eta-Gamma didn't actually feel like a real character, and then we switched to Twilight's point of view, but this didn't seem to be a story about her at all. I found it got much more interesting and readable when I reached Eta-Eta's point of view, and he is clearly our protagonist, but we didn't even meet him until the end of the second chapter. I feel like the beginning could be cut down and tightened up a ton. But on the other hand, this ENTIRE final chapter (and a lot of what lead into it too) was just... way too fast! This happened, then that happened, then the other happened, suddenly Luna, suddenly guard captain turning traitor, suddenly shield wall, suddenly Celestia! Suddenly treaty, all finished! Suddenly new names all around! Suddenly everything! Celestia coming was the only thing that had any foreshadowing, build up, or establishment for it that I could find. And Pike suddenly being a major character when we never really get much of a look at his personality before that was odd. Not to mention him throwing over his previous loyalties completely for a friendship that only just formed that very day was even more odd, it felt like it came out of nowhere.
That's all the bad though. The good is pretty good! I absolutely love your take on changelings. Eta-Eta is a great character. The way he takes charge, his loyalty to the queen, his pragmatic approach to things, those were all a lot of fun. He is a kick-flank kind of guy, I enjoy that. Your Chrysalis is pretty interesting too. The notion of Twilight trying an invasion and getting herself into trouble is also interesting. I just feel that this suffers very badly from forcing the entire plot into one single day. I realize that keeping Celestia ignorant of what has happened for longer than that might be difficult, but I think that's the one thing that would help this story the most, is giving things like Pike's friendship time to develop naturally. (If the sharing of past stories had happened while at loose ends during the occupation, for example, and not during the final confrontation.)
Just my $0.02, don't feel obligated to agree with me on any of this, of course. It's your story, not mine.
I did enjoy it once I got into it a bit.
4105816 I love this, criticism is how we improve as artists. It's rare that I get such a well thought out and insightful critique, thank you very kindly.
Now, hopefully without looking like I'm trying to apologize for my failings or something, I will address your main points.
Agreed. The "prologue" was hasty and ill-conceived. It was planned to explain why Twilight had the idea to go after the hive, but suffers from a lack of direction. Much like the whole thing really.
[quote[Eta-Gamma didn't actually feel like a real character, and then we switched to Twilight's point of view, but this didn't seem to be a story about her at all. I found it got much more interesting and readable when I reached Eta-Eta's point of view, and he is clearly our protagonist, but we didn't even meet him until the end of the second chapter. Well, I did mention the first chapter was a prologue, but it's so disconnected from the story as a whole that's probably not even that, so your point stands. Integrating the prologue into the story itself would have been wiser.
I have a very notable weakness of going "plot point to plot point"- almost as if I'm writing a history paper or something. It's a critical weakness that I hope is getting better with time, and very visible within this first work. I like to think it's slowly going away, but it's impossible for me, as the author, to be sure.I think this is a natural result of a poli-sci taking up a creative writing hobby, gotta get away from that sort of dry paper writing. Thus why I bug everyone for feedback.
Agreed, I had (have?) a weakness for building believable and developing characters. The sequel to this was originally conceived as as an experiment with that, which I think was successful.
~EGO INTENSIFIES~
Well thank you, I used them mostly because there's little to no canon on them, so I could go hog wild and do whatever. I continued developing them for the next couple months through the sequel.
[quote[Eta-Eta is a great character. The way he takes charge, his loyalty to the queen, his pragmatic approach to things, those were all a lot of fun. He is a kick-flank kind of guy, I enjoy that. Your Chrysalis is pretty interesting too. Thank you again, I certainly tried. 2 good characters out of... four? I passed!
Maybe there is some way to extend it out to a week, maaaybe.
That was worth at least five dollars. One day, when I think I've improved enough for it to make a difference, I'll re-write this thing. I think the core idea is fantastic (EGO EXPLOSION), but the execution is...
eeeehhhhhhhhh
I like this so far!
This story has been reviewed in the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group!
Follow the link to read it.
4874212
I love you for doing this, and I find your review to be entirely fair. Glad to hear you enjoyed it, despite it's flaws!
I do have to say this was really good, though I agree it did seem a little disjointed and jumpy from time to time. Though I disagree about the prolog not fitting, I read it and as the story moved on I saw it as a 'mean while' type of excerpt from the rest of the story.