The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! 1,287 members · 149 stories
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The Definition of Harmony

by Astral Blaze

Okay, here I go.

The basic concept here is quite intriguing: not often do we see the ponies' monopoly on harmony being questioned, least of all by the changelings. In many ways the fic turns the tables around by depicting the ponies as a hostile conqueror and the changelings as the opressed party, although the author doesn't go as far as to depict them as poor, innocent bugs. The whole picture is much more neutral than that, and no easy answers are given to the reader in regards to the definition of harmony.

However, the narrative often lags behind the plot by following overly linear and rushed lines. The precious spacing is a bit crude, and the main conflict is not foregrounded as well as it might deserve to. The excitement didn't really gather up in the first half of the story, although after that things do turn smoother.

The style is, well, a bit telly. It's a big word, and I use it too often in general, but a lot of the issues commonly attached to "tellyness" can be found here. The emotions and moods of the characters often find their form in an adverb or two, and although bodily expressions are used a lot, most of them have a mechanical tinge to them, as if the occasional headshake or smile was more of an obligation than nothing else. The grammar could also do with some refining.

Despite all this, the story is not from the shoddiest end of the spectre, and if one is not too offended by the occasional technical bump, then the story does offer some food for thought. Final score: Enjoyable.

I agree with all your comments, and let me say how pleased I was to see somebody was willing to put the time and effort into doing this!

While I hesitate to say so, since it seems like an excuse, this was my first outing. While that's no excuse, it does somewhat explain the mistakes made. One day I may re-write it, but only when I feel my skills have improved enough to make a sizable difference. I especially agree with your points on telling, and not showing, which has been a weakness of mine.

I feel that, like you said, the core idea was solid, while my ability to follow through was lacking. A good plan, poor execution. I learned a lot, and it was a fun project that started me on the path of making more stories. I'm glad you find it enjoyable, despite it's flaws, and hope that many more can enjoy it as well!

3553772 Thanks for the feedback: it's always a pleasure to hear it.

I never rewrite my old stories, or recommend doing that. They are a reminder of where you started, and help you determine where you are now. Writing is best improved by creating new stuff while keeping the old works in mind, I find.

That works for me, anyway.

Yeah, but I feel the core idea bears another shot. There's also a few things that I would love to change in order to have it "fit" more in the universe I've created.
Basically I want to do a remake of it eventually. I'll hire JJ Abrams to direct and give it a huge CGI budget.

I'm curious, by the way- Do you have any plans to read the rest of my works? Totally no obligation, just curious.

3553784 At the moment, my reading time is all but reserved. Aside from this group, where I try to read one fic per week, I got two other, longer stories that I'm working on. Because of this I'm not taking anymore stories at the moment, but perhaps in the future (wherever that is) you can ask me to review some other story of yours.

I might just read this.

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