Twilight and her five friends decide to spend a night together in her house in a sleep over and of course the book worm naturally pulls out her sleep over book to make sure it turns out to be the second best sleep over ever!
Well. I am very much Angel Bunny in this situation. But I can only assume it'll get... something-er from here. There hasn't been a story yet I've backed out of once I've started following it, and I sure as hell am not starting now. Besides, I enjoy watching people and ponies suffer, time for me to share in that.
Also, Fluttershy gets BEEBEEPED in the maze anyone?
Fluttershy replied despite the uneasy and nervousness she was feeling as she watched her wonderful home turn around her and barely dodged a wave of pots and pans that fell down past her and clattered below.
There should be a comma between "replied" and "despite," and "uneasy" should be "unease."
Upon hearing this, Fluttershy gave a shocked yet offended gasp as she narrowed her eyes at Discord
You need a comma between "shocked" and "yet," and you need a period or a comma at the end of the sentence.
Discord then placed his lion and claw hands on Fluttershy's shoulders with a seemingly innocent smile as he spoke“Well, of course you'd say that..."
There should be a comma, or a period, and a space between spoke and the quotation mark.
A voice shouted which the yellow Pegasus immediately recognized as Twilight's voice.
There should be a comma between "shouted" and "which."
She said and quickly flew out of the house to Twilight below but not before she caught Angel.
There should be commas between "said" and "and," and between "below" and "but."
Fluttershy lied though she put on the best poker face she could manage despite the overwhelming worry she was having for her home at the moment.
There should be commas between "lied" and "though," and between "manage" and "despite."
Fluttershy once again lied keeping her perfect poker face as she spoke.
There should be a comma between "lied" and "keeping."
Fluttershy lied once again doing her best to keep her poker face now despite the fact she had no idea what she was doing.
There should be commas between "again" and "doing," and between "now" and "despite."
Spike said as 1.)she showed the yellow Pegasus one of the spell books with 2A)a ripped out 2B.)pages.
1.) Spike is male. 2AB.) Either "a" or the s in "pages" are superfluous.
"...I can't control Discord any more than I can control my own 1.)fears and that's not much.” Fluttershy thought to herself as she hovered back and forth as the house continued to spin about 2.)with a deep sense of worry.
1.) There should be a comma between "fears" and "and." 2.) This phrase is misplaced. It makes it sound as though the house is spinning with worry. It should probably be put after "forth" and a comma should be place after "worry."
“Whatever could be the 1A.)matter Fluttershy?” Discord's voice spoke up from beside the 1B.)Pegasus at which point she turned to 1C.)look only to see a floating vase with the 2.)draconequus's face on 1D.)it rather than Discord himself.
1ABCD.) There should be commas between "matter" and "Fluttershy," "Pegasus" and "at," "look" and "only," and between "it" and "rather." 2.) "Draconequus" ends in s, so its possessive form is s apostrophe.
“Well um, I was hoping that you could um, maybe put my house back on the ground?”
There should be a comma between "well" and "um."
Discord than appeared a few moments later leaving the vase to fall and shatter as it impacted with the circling house much to Fluttershy's dismay.
"Than" should be "then," and you need commas between "later" an "leaving," and between "house" and "much."
Why the change of heart Fluttershy?”
You need a comma between "heart" and "Fluttershy."
“Well, um you see, I invited my friends over for dinner to show them how much progress we've made in reforming you and um, I don't think they would like it very much if the house was still in the sky and um... Spinning.” Fluttershy replied as she placed a hoof on the back of her head while her nervous smile showed through more so now than ever.
You need commas between "you" and "and," "sky" and "and," and between "through" and "more."
But Discord, my friends will over in a few short hours!
There should be a "be" between these two words.
“Of course 1A.)not but this is 2.)different putting this house back on the ground isn't forcing you to not be 1B.)yourself it's simply asking you to be nice and considerate of my friends. Something I know 3.)your capable of.” Fluttershy 1C.)replied doing her best to avoid the topic the draconequus had started.
1ABC.) There should be commas between "not" and "but," "yourself" and "it's," and between "replied" and "doing." 2.) There should be a period after "different," and "putting" should be capitalized." 3.) "Your" should be "you're."
"...I may have caused you to behave differently than you normally do but we both know that what I did was simply allow you five to behave as another part of yourselves. I hardly forced you to be anything but yourselves!” Discord replied defensively though his sneer never left his facial features.
There should be commas between "do" and "but," and between "defensively" and "though."
Discord asked expectantly as he clashed his lions paw around his claw hand.
"Clashed" should be "clasped," and "lions" should be "lion's."
“Oh my dear Fluttershy, must we lie to ourselves?..."
There should be a comma between "oh" and "my."
“I have never found you attractive Discord!”
There should be a comma between "attractive" and "Discord."
“But if you insist on bringing up that topic-” “It was a mistake! End of story!” Fluttershy roared cutting him off as she whirled around and glared at him.
Fluttershy and Discord's dialogues should be on separate lines, and there should be a comma between "roared" and "cutting."
“A mistake you say?”
There should be a coma between "mistake" and "you."
A live action movie began to play on the paper 1A.)now much to Fluttershy's embarrassment.
“Oh 1B.)yes Discord! Give it to me! I want to have your 2.)discord foals!”
1AB.) You need commas between "now" and "much," and between "yes" and "Discord." 2.) I am not sure if this is the right word here...
“Listen here mister!..."
There should be a comma between "here" and "mister."
Fluttershy's face seemed to turn beat red as the sound of a tea kettle whistle could seemingly be heard until with a rage-filled cry she tackled the draconequus to the wall and began to hit him as hard as she could as she sat on top of him.
There should be commas between "until" and "with," and between "cry" and "she." Also, "wall" should probably be "floor."
“I. 1A.)am.Not.Attracted. 1B.)to.You!” She 2A.)roared each word seemingly timed precisely with her blows. These blows hardly hurt the 2B.)draconequus which he took note of.
1AB.) "Am" and "to" should be capitalized. 2AB.) There should be commas between "roared" and "each," and between "draconequus" and "which."
As Fluttershy's hoof sailed towards Discords 1A.)face he caught it with his 2.)lions paw and looked at 1B.)her not with his usual mischievous grin, not with his usual sneer, not with his cackling laugh, but with an expression of wonder and curiosity. “You know Fluttershy, this seems more like 3.)your attempting to convince 1C.)yourself rather than 1D.)me that you don't find me attractive.” 4.)he remarked softly as he used his tail to make a finger 1E.)snap at which point the house suddenly stopped twirling around them and seemed to be sitting flat on the ground.
1ABCDE.) There should be commas between "face" and "he," "her" and "not," "yourself" and "rather," "me" and "than," and between "snap" and "at." 2.) "Lions" should be "lion's." 3.) "Your" should be "you're." 4.) "He" should be capitalized.
The yellow Pegasus asked incredulously the shock of Discord actually doing something nice causing the anger to drain from her as if a hole had been poked into her rage-filled body.
There should be a comma between "incredulously" and "the."
“Oh but you did my dear Fluttershy, you may have been saying the exact opposite but your actions and behavior tell a far different story.” Fluttershy began to say with a crimson red blush only for Discord to cut her off at which point she looked away from him.
Fluttershy remained still for a short time on top of the draconequus, not saying a word though not a single thought passed through her mind.
There should be comas between "did" and "my," "opposite" and "but," "off" and "at," and between "word" and "though."
Discord replied quickly and lifted his 1.)lions paw up to snap 2A.)it only for Fluttershy to grab it with both 2B.)hooves thus halting the draconequus's spell casting.
1.) "Lions" should be "lion's." 2AB.) You need commas between "it" and "only," and between "hooves" and "thus."
WARNING! FROM HERE ON, THIS COMMENT MAY GET A LITTLE NOT SAFE FOR WORK!
I um, hope you don't 1A.)mind but I'm not as straight forward 2.)like this. So perhaps we can um, take this slow?” Fluttershy asked with a 1B.)bashful blushing smile as she absentmindedly ran a hoof through her mane.
1AB.) There should be commas between "mind" and "but," and between "Bashful" and "blushing." 2.) "Like" should be "as."
Discord replied with a smirk as he hovered the tip of his finger over to the Pegasus's 1A.)head only for her to swat it away.
“No! I mean um, I want to do this as 1B.)myself rather 2.)than my discorded self.”
1AB.) You need commas between "head" and "only" and between ""myself" and "rather." 2.) You may want to put an "as" between "than" and "my."
A few more minutes passed and much to Discord's disappointment, Fluttershy lifted her mouth from his member and looked back at him with a desperate expression.
There should be a comma between "and" and "much."
Discord replied quickly, leaned forward, and began to run his tongue along her flower which caused the yellow Pegasus to quiver with anticipation before she resumed taking his length into her mouth.
There should be a comma between "flower" and "which."
Discord's tongue ran along her glistening folds, tasting every drop of her sweet nectar that had leaked through them for a time before he snaked his tongue in between them which caused Fluttershy to moan deeply onto his member.
Fluttershy's head now bobbed up and down along the draconequus's shaft taking in the taste of his precum and making sure to push her mane out-of-the-way when it got in front of her face as it often would while Discord's tongue danced around inside her sending waves of ecstasy and pleasure through her body.
There should be commas between "them" and "which," "face" and "as," and between "would" and "while."
Though the draconequus couldn't read her mind, he did pick up on the signals and quickly began to thrust his tongue in and out of her cunt which caused her to moan even louder and even suck harder on his throbbing member.
There should be commas between "signals" and "and," and between "cunt" and "which."
About this time, Angel bunny walked in through the front door, gave a startled chatter, and gawked at the two performing a sixty-nine for a few short moments before he began to slowly slink his way back out the door in a comical fashion complete with hitting his head on the upper part of the pet door on his way out.
There should be a comma between "fashion" and "complete."
She tried to tell her body to wait a little longer but it refused to listen as she gave an orgasmic cry onto his member as her yellow puffy pussy began to contract and gush it's love juices.
You need a comma between "longer" and "but."
“It's not very nice to lie Discord.”
There should be a comma between "lie" and "Discord."
Discord replied with an innocent smirk as he pointed his cock which was still rock hard.
There should be a comma between "cock" and "which."
“Oh, I'm so happy your friend is ready for another round but I have one small request.”
There should be a comma between "round" and "but."
“Cut the ponyfeathers Discord. You want me as much as I want you but I'm willing to pass up on this chance if you won't hear me out.”
There should be commas between "ponyfeathers" and "Discord," and between "you" and "but."
"...I'm not going to have to do that ridiculous thing the pink one does am I?”
There should be a comma between "does" and "am."
“1.)No. your word is good 2.)enough and so is this.”
1.) The period after "no" should be a comma, or the y in "your" should be capitalized." 2.) There should be a comma between "enough" and "and."
she said shakily due to the sheer pleasure coursing through her body by simply feeling his member deep inside her soaking wet folds.
"She" should be capitalized.
Discord replied though he was a bit calmer than she was despite the warmth and wetness of her love tunnel sending shivers down his spine.
There should be commas between "replied" and "though," and between "was" and "despite."
The mare slowly began to rock her body back and forth moaning out as she rode him before she began to lift herself up and slam his entire length back into her over and over.
There should be a comma between "forth" and "moaning."
“N-Not so fast Fluttershy!” Discord stuttered aloud though the lust filled mare seemed to ignore him as she continued slamming herself onto him like a piston.
There should be commas between "fast" and "Fluttershy," and between "aloud" and "though."
It was about this time when Angel came walking back inside thinking it was safe to come in, once again gave a startled chatter and gawked at Fluttershy as she cried out with each time she slammed her yellow cunt into the draconequus's member for a bit longer this time before he turned about-face, slammed a paw on his forehead and shook his head slowly as he chattered dismally while walking out of the house once again.
There should be a comma between "forhead" and "and."
I want your discord foals!
Fine, I will let the first one and this one go as Fluttershy's mid coitus lust babble.
“Keep up that pace and it won't be 1A.)long I assure(uhh!)you.” He replied as he placed his 2.)lions paw and claw hands on each side of her 1B.)rump and began to assist the Pegasus by moving her up and down at a faster pace.
1AB.) There should be commas between "long" and "I," and between "rump" and "and." 2.)"Lions" should be "lion's."
It wouldn't be long now, he could feel his cock twitching inside her, the all too familiar feeling that told him was nearing the point of no return.
There needs to be a "he" between "him" and "was."
Discord didn't need to be told twice as he forcefully slammed her hindquarters down to the hilt so that his full length was inside as he grunted loaded and came rope after rope of sticky hot seed into her soaking wet slit.
There should be commas between "grunted" and "loaded," and between "loaded" and "and."
A few moments later she collapsed on top of him huffing and puffing as the two enjoyed their afterglow.
You need a comma between "him" and "huffing."
Fluttershy finished only to moments later dash to a corner of the room and hide behind her wings, tail, and mane.
There should be a comma between "finished" and "only."
Ah don't think Fluttershy's copin too well with tellin a big secret like that.”
Copin' and tellin' need apostrophes at the end.
“Ugh, you can't honestly want this game to continue doyou Pinkie? Look at Fluttershy for pony's sake!”
There should be comas between "continue" and "do," "you" and "Pinkie," and between "Fluttershy" and "for."
“I think the fun's been effectively ruined though.”
There should be a comma between "ruined" and :"though."
A soft voice said which caused the five to look over at Fluttershy. “If Pinkie wants to continue the game, that's fine with me.” Fluttershy said as she stood up, walked over to her sleeping bag and laid down on it.
There should be commas between "said" and "which" and between "bag" and "and."
“Well if your sure surgarcube, it's your turn.” Applejack said though she wasn't to keen on the idea.
"Sugar cube" is misspelled, and you need a comma between "said" and "though."
“Okay um, I dare you to um, 1A.)purr like a cat, if that's okay with you.” She replied.
The fashionista cleared her throat and did her best to make a cat 1B.)meowing 2.)sound though it sounded more like a dying cat than a living one.
1AB.) A meow is not a purr, Rarity failed to perform the dare. 2.) There should be a comma between "sound" and "though."
1A.)Fluttershy however looked at Pinkie Pie once again and grinned in a fashion that unnerved the mare. “Oh I'll get you back Pinkie, you can count on it.” she said in a matter-of-fact 1B.)tone to which Pinkie Pie gulped 2.)loudly
1AB.) You need commas between "Fluttershy" and "however," "however" and "looked" and between "tone" and "to." 2.) You need a period at the end of "loudly."
“Oki-doki-loki.” she replied with a nervous grin...
"She" should be capitalized.
That took less time than I thought it would. However, it did take almost six hours. I am looking forward to the other five ponies darkest secrets. They are not all sex secrets, are they? For a compelling sex scene, you have earned a Fluttershy ahegao. KBO.
wow could she be any more graphic on her story? I'm not sure she told what each hair on his balls was doing or the scent's in the air.... guess that truth spell really does work maybe a bit too much lol. kinda feel sorry for fluttershy but it's ok since she will make pinkie squirm. maybe she'll have pinkie tell her raunchiest sexapade, or her darkest secret, OH or maybe where her super secret stash of cookies are at. ^^
look forward to the next chapter, it'll be interesting to see what embarrassing fates await the rest.
Well. I am very much Angel Bunny in this situation. But I can only assume it'll get... something-er from here. There hasn't been a story yet I've backed out of once I've started following it, and I sure as hell am not starting now. Besides, I enjoy watching people and ponies suffer, time for me to share in that.
Also, Fluttershy gets BEEBEEPED in the maze anyone?
3659336
Funny enough thing, that video, it's what gave me the idea for her first time with Discord being when she was discorded to begin with.
i dunno...
i just...
no words...
i'm torned between "awwww.... pooor fluttershy....." and "FLUTTERSHY!!??!! how could you do that?!!?" and OMG THIS STORY IS AMAZING!!!!!!"
okay, i made up my mind....
I NEED MOAR!!!!
Continue?!
3651128 My whole life is a lie.
So either Celestia is now going to banish Fluttershy and lock her in a cage to where she was banished to, or Rainbow Dash is going to kill Discord..
Please, continue
3669602 I am nowhere near perfect, I am sure there a few things I missed. However, if you would like my help, I would be happy to lend it.
Oh...M-my ................................
WARNING! MAJOR CHAPTER THREE SPOILERS!
There should be a comma between "replied" and "despite," and "uneasy" should be "unease."
You need a comma between "shocked" and "yet," and you need a period or a comma at the end of the sentence.
There should be a comma, or a period, and a space between spoke and the quotation mark.
There should be a comma between "shouted" and "which."
There should be commas between "said" and "and," and between "below" and "but."
There should be commas between "lied" and "though," and between "manage" and "despite."
There should be a comma between "lied" and "keeping."
There should be commas between "again" and "doing," and between "now" and "despite."
1.) Spike is male.
2AB.) Either "a" or the s in "pages" are superfluous.
1.) There should be a comma between "fears" and "and."
2.) This phrase is misplaced. It makes it sound as though the house is spinning with worry. It should probably be put after "forth" and a comma should be place after "worry."
1ABCD.) There should be commas between "matter" and "Fluttershy," "Pegasus" and "at," "look" and "only," and between "it" and "rather."
2.) "Draconequus" ends in s, so its possessive form is s apostrophe.
There should be a comma between "well" and "um."
"Than" should be "then," and you need commas between "later" an "leaving," and between "house" and "much."
You need a comma between "heart" and "Fluttershy."
You need commas between "you" and "and," "sky" and "and," and between "through" and "more."
There should be a "be" between these two words.
1ABC.) There should be commas between "not" and "but," "yourself" and "it's," and between "replied" and "doing."
2.) There should be a period after "different," and "putting" should be capitalized."
3.) "Your" should be "you're."
There should be commas between "do" and "but," and between "defensively" and "though."
"Clashed" should be "clasped," and "lions" should be "lion's."
There should be a comma between "oh" and "my."
There should be a comma between "attractive" and "Discord."
Fluttershy and Discord's dialogues should be on separate lines, and there should be a comma between "roared" and "cutting."
There should be a coma between "mistake" and "you."
1AB.) You need commas between "now" and "much," and between "yes" and "Discord."
2.) I am not sure if this is the right word here...
There should be a comma between "here" and "mister."
There should be commas between "until" and "with," and between "cry" and "she." Also, "wall" should probably be "floor."
1AB.) "Am" and "to" should be capitalized.
2AB.) There should be commas between "roared" and "each," and between "draconequus" and "which."
1ABCDE.) There should be commas between "face" and "he," "her" and "not," "yourself" and "rather," "me" and "than," and between "snap" and "at."
2.) "Lions" should be "lion's."
3.) "Your" should be "you're."
4.) "He" should be capitalized.
There should be a comma between "incredulously" and "the."
There should be comas between "did" and "my," "opposite" and "but," "off" and "at," and between "word" and "though."
1.) "Lions" should be "lion's."
2AB.) You need commas between "it" and "only," and between "hooves" and "thus."
WARNING! FROM HERE ON, THIS COMMENT MAY GET A LITTLE NOT SAFE FOR WORK!
1AB.) There should be commas between "mind" and "but," and between "Bashful" and "blushing."
2.) "Like" should be "as."
1AB.) You need commas between "head" and "only" and between ""myself" and "rather."
2.) You may want to put an "as" between "than" and "my."
There should be a comma between "and" and "much."
There should be a comma between "flower" and "which."
There should be commas between "them" and "which," "face" and "as," and between "would" and "while."
There should be commas between "signals" and "and," and between "cunt" and "which."
There should be a comma between "fashion" and "complete."
You need a comma between "longer" and "but."
There should be a comma between "lie" and "Discord."
There should be a comma between "cock" and "which."
There should be a comma between "round" and "but."
There should be commas between "ponyfeathers" and "Discord," and between "you" and "but."
There should be a comma between "does" and "am."
1.) The period after "no" should be a comma, or the y in "your" should be capitalized."
2.) There should be a comma between "enough" and "and."
"She" should be capitalized.
There should be commas between "replied" and "though," and between "was" and "despite."
There should be a comma between "forth" and "moaning."
There should be commas between "fast" and "Fluttershy," and between "aloud" and "though."
There should be a comma between "forhead" and "and."
Fine, I will let the first one and this one go as Fluttershy's mid coitus lust babble.
1AB.) There should be commas between "long" and "I," and between "rump" and "and."
2.)"Lions" should be "lion's."
There needs to be a "he" between "him" and "was."
There should be commas between "grunted" and "loaded," and between "loaded" and "and."
You need a comma between "him" and "huffing."
There should be a comma between "finished" and "only."
Copin' and tellin' need apostrophes at the end.
There should be comas between "continue" and "do," "you" and "Pinkie," and between "Fluttershy" and "for."
There should be a comma between "ruined" and :"though."
There should be commas between "said" and "which" and between "bag" and "and."
"Sugar cube" is misspelled, and you need a comma between "said" and "though."
1AB.) A meow is not a purr, Rarity failed to perform the dare.
2.) There should be a comma between "sound" and "though."
1AB.) You need commas between "Fluttershy" and "however," "however" and "looked" and between "tone" and "to."
2.) You need a period at the end of "loudly."
"She" should be capitalized.
That took less time than I thought it would. However, it did take almost six hours. I am looking forward to the other five ponies darkest secrets. They are not all sex secrets, are they? For a compelling sex scene, you have earned a Fluttershy ahegao. KBO.
Wow so Fluttershy and Discord I think they do make a nice couple, I also wonder what will Fluttershy do to get back at Pinkie Pie?
wow could she be any more graphic on her story? I'm not sure she told what each hair on his balls was doing or the scent's in the air.... guess that truth spell really does work maybe a bit too much lol. kinda feel sorry for fluttershy but it's ok since she will make pinkie squirm. maybe she'll have pinkie tell her raunchiest sexapade, or her darkest secret, OH or maybe where her super secret stash of cookies are at. ^^
look forward to the next chapter, it'll be interesting to see what embarrassing fates await the rest.
3688932 if you follow the writer as opposed to just the stories they write you will get exactly those kids of updates FOLLOW NOW!!
Da phuq I just read?
That was hilarious.
Clop really sucks. Also, you need to work on you're grammar when it comes to internal monologues and regular dialogue, albeit less so.
3672346 .........I can't even.
You sir/madam, are ineffably good at spotting mistakes, so have mustaches
Also I win
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQllEoO8sILCdWJ4aR_Fg9t_UsrDfEgV9EYlJgGaHr0jOj2IPBA
Ya know, I had my Pandora playing and Scream by Avenged Sevenfold came on. It was strangely fitting for this chapter.
holy shit that was some good shit. the game must carry ON