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Deathsia

Deathsia Joined 7th Feb, 2012 · Offline

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Swashbucklist
Swashbucklist #1 · Dec 19th, 2013 · · 41 · The start of a sleepover ·
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Twilight and her five friends

Twilight and her five [pony] friends

not just one best friend but all five!

Almost all five. This implies one of the ponies is not her friend.

All five friends accounted for...”

All five friends [ponies] accounted for...”

“All my friends present and accounted for... Check!”

“All my [pony] friends present and accounted for... Check!”

Props for justifying his absence sympathetically. Few authors would have bothered.

twidash1993
twidash1993 #2 · Dec 19th, 2013 · · 1 · The start of a sleepover ·
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3650527 I have to disagree on the pony statement that's like saying "All five humans accounted for" Or "All my human friends present and accounted for " The way the author has it is just fine.

Pop chatters
Pop chatters #3 · Dec 19th, 2013 · · · The start of a sleepover ·
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3650527

Ehh. We know they are ponies, do we not. Besides, like twidash1993 said, It doesn't make sense. But what fun is there in making sense? Pinkie Pie doesn't make sense. Says 'nough to me.

As a fellow Nit-pick Nazi however, I found this.

Applejack replied to which everypony make vocal responses of agreement to this as they looked at the shy mare.

make: Wrong tense, should have been made.
to this: It's out of place and double, just remove it.
You should get something like this:

Applejack replied to which everypony made vocal responses of agreement as they looked at the shy mare.

You could even consider using some comas, but that is your call.

P.S: I like comas. The things between sentences, not the thing you get when someone bashes your face in.

Swashbucklist
Swashbucklist #4 · Dec 19th, 2013 · · 23 · The start of a sleepover ·
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3650699 ...Except they use that noun all the flippin' time in the show.

3650756 Yeah, we know they're ponies, but we also know Twilight has six close friends in Ponyville, not five...don't we?

The comas that come between clauses and the comas that come after you suffer trauma are the same (if you happen to begin a sentence when falling into said coma, and finish that same sentence the moment you wake up). Commas, on the other hand, are meant to tie two or more clauses into a single sentence. :cheerileeawesomeface:

Neko Majin C
Neko Majin C #5 · Dec 19th, 2013 · · 1 · The start of a sleepover ·
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3650756

You could even consider using some comas, but that is your call.

P.S: I like comas. The things between sentences, not the thing you get when someone bashes your face in.

As a fellow Grammar Dalek, I am sure that you would be happy to know that comma (,) is spelled with two m's.:twilightsmile:

Neko Majin C
Neko Majin C #6 · Dec 19th, 2013 · · · The start of a sleepover ·
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WARNING! MAJOR SPOILERS!

Today Twilight would have her second ever 1A.)sleepover with not just 2.)one best 1B.)friend but all five! Pinkie Pie had come up with the idea and even Twilight had to 1C.)admit despite her earlier 1D.)protests that it was a good idea for the six to spend some quality time with each other.

1ABCD.) There should be commas between "sleepover" and "with," "friend" and "but," "admit" and "despite," and between "protests" and "that."
2.) The first sleepover Twilight had was with two ponies, Applejack and Rarity.

She remarked as she looked over her checklist to see six neatly placed sleeping bags, each colored to match each mares fur color along with their 1.)cutiemarks 2.)brazened on the top of each one.

1.) "Cutie marks" is two words.
2.) Brazen: endure an embarrassing or difficult situation by behaving with apparent confidence and lack of shame. The word you are looking for is: "emblazoned": conspicuously inscribe or display (a design) on something.

“Sleepover book...” She remarked as she hovered a book brazened with two pillows on it over to her and placed it on the floor. “Check!”

Once again, the word you are looking for is "emblazoned."

Pinkie Pie was the first to arrive with no shock to Twilight as the hyperactive pink mare hopped in through her front door with a chipper grin on her face.

There should be commas between "arrive" and "with" and between "Twilight" and "as."

You got here ten minutes early after all.

There should be a comma between "early" and "after."

The 1.)lavender Alicorn 2.)replied though her eyes never left the pages of the book as she spoke.

1.) Lavender Unicorn Syndrome has ascended into princesshood and has become Lavender Alicorn Syndrome.
2.) There should be a comma between "replied" and "though."

1.)“Yours truly helps her save the day!” A familiar voice 2A.)said at which point the annoyed mare looked up to see Rainbow Dash hovering just above her. 2B.)“No spoilers please!” She snapped with a glare at the cyan blue Pegasus.

1.) The dialogue between Rainbow and Twilight should be separate.
2AB.) There should be commas between "said" and "at," and between "spoilers" and "please."

We were there remember?

There should be a comma between "there" and "remember."

Twilight began to protest as she looked away from her book only to suddenly realize that Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity had arrived already as well.

"Already" is superfluous.

It is time for our sleepover after all and I can't spend the entire time reading a book now can I?

You need commas between "sleepover" and "after," "all" and "and," and between "now" and "can."

“Says the mare who plans to use be usin this again.”

:fluttercry: Usin' needs an apostrophe at the end.

"...Course Ah can easily get rid of the stuff if yer not up to 1.)drinkin. Can't expect everypony to enjoy the stuff.” The farm mare replied as she tipped her hat to the 2.)lavender mare in a respectful manner.

1.) Drinkin' needs an apostrophe at the end.
2.):facehoof: Now that we have established that Twilight is lavender, an Alicorn, and a mare, can we go back to calling her Twilight?

“I don't see a problem with it darling. Social drinking isn't a crime after all.”

You need commas between "it" and "darling," and between "crime" and "after."

“Ya sure 1.)bout 2A.)that 3.)surgarcube? This here is a mutual 2B.)agreement and if one of us ain't okay with it, then none of us are. Isn't that 2C.)right everypony?” Applejack 2D.)replied to which everypony 4.)make vocal responses of agreement to this as they looked at the shy mare.

1.) 'Bout, in this case, is an abbreviation of about, so it needs an apostrophe before the b.
2ABCD.)You need commas between "that" and "sugar cube," "agreement" and "and," "right" and "everypony," and between "replied" and "to."
3.) "Sugar cube" is misspelled.
4.) "Make" should be "made." However, someone has already mentioned that.

she replied her voice hushing to a mere whisper by the end of her sentence.

There should be a comma between "replied" and "her."

What's first Twilight?

There should be a comma between "first" and "Twilight."

This looks interesting, I would like to see where this goes, therefore, I shall favorite and upvote. KBO.:twilightsmile:

Lag Incarnate
Lag Incarnate #8 · Dec 20th, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
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Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. I am QUAKING. I don't remember the last time I have SHOOK with FEAR before.

Deathsia
Deathsia #9 · Dec 20th, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
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3655352

I can't tell if your being sarcastic or just eager for the next chapter...:rainbowhuh:

TheVirtuousOne
TheVirtuousOne #10 · Dec 20th, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
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3655609 Well I'm eager to get to the point of the story..... Hehe... :yay:

DanvilleBengal
DanvilleBengal #12 · Dec 20th, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
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DAAAMMMMNNNN...........didn't know you got down like that, Fluttershy. :yay::yay:


But at least we know that it worked!!:pinkiehappy: Somewhat.....:pinkiecrazy:

Xaldon Ajide
Xaldon Ajide #13 · Dec 20th, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
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next chapter will be fun with Flutters Explaining how she did Discord.:twilightsmile:

Lag Incarnate
Lag Incarnate #14 · Dec 21st, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
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Well. I am very much Angel Bunny in this situation. But I can only assume it'll get... something-er from here. There hasn't been a story yet I've backed out of once I've started following it, and I sure as hell am not starting now. Besides, I enjoy watching people and ponies suffer, time for me to share in that.

Also, Fluttershy gets BEEBEEPED in the maze anyone?

Deathsia
Deathsia #15 · Dec 21st, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
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3659336

Funny enough thing, that video, it's what gave me the idea for her first time with Discord being when she was discorded to begin with. :rainbowwild:

nmNighteyes
nmNighteyes #16 · Dec 21st, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
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i dunno...
i just...
no words...

i'm torned between "awwww.... pooor fluttershy....." and "FLUTTERSHY!!??!! how could you do that?!!?" and OMG THIS STORY IS AMAZING!!!!!!"

nmNighteyes
nmNighteyes #17 · Dec 21st, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
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okay, i made up my mind....
I NEED MOAR!!!!

rumbloo_is_best
rumbloo_is_best #18 · Dec 21st, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
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:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: Nice one :pinkiehappy: ... poor :fluttercry: though... CONTINUE!! :rainbowwild::rainbowwild::raritydespair::raritydespair: Lovely story!!

dnj110
dnj110 #21 · Dec 23rd, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
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So either Celestia is now going to banish Fluttershy and lock her in a cage to where she was banished to, or Rainbow Dash is going to kill Discord..

Please, continue

Neko Majin C
Neko Majin C #22 · Dec 23rd, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
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WARNING! MAJOR CHAPTER TWO SPOILERS!

Rainbow Dash quickly 1.)dived to catch the 2A.)book much to Twilight's 2B.)relief and placed it back in the bookshelf.

1.) "Dived" should be "dove." I know what it looks like, it is called a heteronym, however, this is pronounced with a long o sound and is the past tense and past participle of dive.
2AB.) There should be commas between "book" and "much" and between "relief" and "and."

"...To see who the most athletic pony is?” 1.)she 2.)suggested much to the annoyance of the farm pony as she hovered over to Twilight.

1.) "She" should be capitalized.
2.) There should be a comma between "suggested" and "much."

“We all know you'd win that one hooves down Rarity.”

You need a comma between "down" and "Rarity."

Fluttershy's voice asked softly which caused everypony to snap their gaze at the yellow Pegasus, each one looking a little more slack-jawed than the last.

You need a comma between "softly" and "which."

"...I've read about them but what do we use for it?” Twilight asked still recovering from the slightly jarring yet brave suggestion by the Pegasus.

You need commas between "them" and "but," "asked" and "still," and between "jarring" and "yet."

“Lets just stick with Pinkie's idea since no pony else seems to be thinking up any other ideas.” she finished and sighed.

"She" should be capitalized.

“Okay everypony, lets all get comfortable.”

This should be "let's" with an apostrophe s.

“Since it was Pinkie's idea. I think she should get to tell the first joke.”

The period after "idea" should be a comma.

“Ah think we missed the point of that joke Pinkie.”

There should be a comma between "joke" and "Pinkie."

“Ha,ha,ha! A unicorn's horn is pointy! I get it! Haha!”

The "ha's" need spaces between them.

Rainbow Dash chimed in with a grin as she pointed at the Alicorn whom abruptly stopped laughing at stared at the five.

That "at" should be "and."

Twilight used her magic to lift up the 1,)bottle, stared at it for a moment before sighing 2.)aloud“Oh horseapples.” she said dismally before she popped the lid off, took a quick 3A.)drink and recoiled slightly as the beverage sailed down her throat.

“Ya act like ya never had an swig of cider 3B.)before Twi.” Applejack jeered with a smirk as she 4.)looked at Twilight's expression slowly change from a cringe to a slight blush.

1.) The comma after bottle an "and."
2.) There needs to be a comma and a space between "aloud" and the quotation mark.
3AB.) There should be commas between "drink" and "and," and between "before" and "Twi."
4.) "Looked at" would read better as "watched."

“This stuff tastes a lot stronger than the cider you usually offer during cider 1A.)season Applejack. I wasn't prepared for it to taste so...” Twilight 1B.)said trailing off as she struggled to think of the proper word. “Alcoholy.” 2.)she finally 1C.)finished though she knew it wasn't a real word, she couldn't think of anything else.

1ABC.)You need commas between "season" and "Applejack," "said" and "trailing," and between "finished" and "though."
2.) "She" should be capitalized.

“Ah let this batch mature a little more than the 1.)others so Ah guess it's gonna have more of a kick than mah usual cider. Sorry for not 2A.)givin' ya a 2B.)warnin' ahead of time.” Applejack replied as she scratched the back of 3.)her with a slightly guilty expression.

1.) You need a comma between "others" and "so."
2AB. Thank you, thank you, so much.:twilightsmile::yay:
3.) A word is missing between these two words, perhaps head, or neck, or mane.

“Don't be takin a swig until ya laugh..."

:facehoof::fluttershbad:Takin' needs an apostrophe at the end.

She quipped at the sight of the farm mare's annoyed expression with a grin to which Applejack's hoof collided with her forehead along with an annoyed groan.

There should be a comma between "grin and "to."

“Oh wow, I didn't expect you to come up with gold like that Twilight!..."

There should be a comma between "that" and "Twilight."

“So funny Ah forgot laugh R-D..."

There should be a comma between "laugh" and "R-D."

“Watch the merchandise A-J!”

There should be a comma between "merchandise" and "A-J."

Rarity asked with a slightly annoyed sporting a redder blush than usual.

Either "with a" is superfluous and you need commas between "asked" and "slightly" and "annoyed" and "sporting." Or, there is a word missing between "annoyed" and "sporting" and you need a comma between the missing word and "sporting."

“No, we get it but it's not funny.” Twilight remarked her blush still prominent as she shuffled uncomfortably on her sleeping bag.

You need commas between "it" and "but," and between "remarked" and "her."

“Good try thar surgarcube but your punchline fell short of a knockout.”

"Sugar cube" is misspelled and you need a comma between "sugar cube" and "but."

“Okay lady puns-a-alot!..."

You need a comma between "okay" and "lady."

“1A.)So Apple Fritter's foal was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little filly was up to, he politely asked: 2A.)What are you up 1B.)to there? And she replied: 2B.)My goldfish died and I've just buried him.3.)" Her neighbor was concerned as to why the hole was so 1C.)big so he asked her why the hole was as big as it 1D.)was and she replied: 2C.)That's because he's inside your buckin' cat.”

Okay, wow... um... This is tricky... Let us start with the easy stuff first.
1ABCD.) You need commas between "so" and "Apple," "to" and "there," "big" and "so," and between "was" and "and."
2A.) You need single quotation marks surrounding 'What are you up to, there?'
2B.) You need single quotation marks surrounding 'My goldfish died and I've just buried him.'
2C.) You need single quotation marks surrounding 'That's because he's inside your buckin' cat.'
3.) The double quotation mark here is superfluous.

It took a few moments for the joke to set in but once it had, everypony in the room except for Rarity burst out laughing.

You need commas between "in" and "but," "room" and "except," and between "Rarity" and "burst."

“That was a terrible joke Applejack.”

You need a comma between "joke" and "Applejack."

Twilight replied as she placed her bottle of cider down which was nearly empty now.

You need a comma between "down" and "which."

“So what's next Twilight?” Rainbow Dash asked curiously despite the fact her bottle was empty, the cyan blue Pegasus seemed to be able to handle herself quite well despite the fact her face clearly showed a drunken blush.

You need commas between "next" and "Twilight," "curiously" and "despite" and between "well" and "despite." Also, you have a repetition of terms, you typed "despite the fact" twice in one sentence. You may want to fix that.

Applejack jeered which caused everypony in the room to laugh hysterically at this despite the fact it wasn't all that funny.

You need commas between "jeered" and "which," and between "this" and "despite."

“Shove an apple up your(hic!)foal-1A.)hole A-J, I can still make out the(hic!)bucking words.” Twilight snapped at the farm 1B.)pony which caused everypony to stare at Twilight in shock at the vulgar language 1C.)that up 2.)till 1D.) 3.)now didn't think the Alicorn was capable of.

1ABCD.) You need commas between "hole" and "A-J," "pony" and "which," "that" and "up," and between "now" and the missing word before "didn't"
2.) "Till" should be "until."
3.) There is a word missing between "now" and "didn't," perhaps they?

Applejack replied as she crossed her hooves in front of her face on the sleeping bag and rested her head on her left front leg with an annoyed expression.

Applejack's front left leg had an annoyed expression?

Twilight's eyes soon fell upon a set of bold letters she 1.)could make out. “Truth or Dare.” She said 2.)finally to which the other five looked up at her in curiosity.

1.) I am unsure, however, maybe you meant "could not?"
2.) here should be a comma between "finally" and "to."

Pinkie Pie's voice 1.)erupted much to the cyan blue 2.)Pegasus's annoyance.

1.) You need a comma between "erupted" and "much."
2.) Pegasus' should just end in "s apostrophe."

Twilight said with a devious smirk at the five as her horn glowed for a few moments and a purple mist sprayed over all six mares.

You need a comma between "five" and "as."

When anypony asks a question, the other will be forced to tell the truth no matter what as long as the game continues.” Twilight replied quickly only to go slightly wide-eyed.

You need commas between "truth" and "no," "what" and "as," and between "quickly" and "only."

Rainbow Dash replied with a grin to which Pinkie Pie made an overly exaggerated shocked gasp complete with the jaw dropping gesture until she narrowed her eyes at Rainbow Dash.

You need commas between "grin" and "to" and between "gasp" and "complete."

“Okay um... Truth?”

You need a comma between "okay" and "um."

Pinkie Pie replied and once again sat in 1A.)place deep in thought. “I got it! What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?” 2.)she 1B.)asked at which point Fluttershy's eyes snapped wide in shock and her mouth opened without her telling it to.

1AB.) You need commas between "place" and "deep" and between "asked" an "at."
2.) She Should be capitalized.

She replied only to slap her hooves over her mouth with a tearful expression.

There should be a comma between "replied" and "only."

Rainbow Dash asked without thinking only to regret asking the question moments later as she recalled that the truth spell was still active. “Wait, don't answer that!” She added moments later however she was too late and much to Fluttershy's embarrassment and horror she began to recite the events that lead up to the deed...

There should be commas between "thinking" and "only," "later" and "as," "later" and "however," "late" and "and," and between "horror" and "she."

I found as much as I could, however, I am certain that I did not catch everything.

It will be interesting to see what will happen next. Unfortunately, I will have to wait until later to read it. I look forward to the next time I have enough time to read the next chapter. KBO.:twilightsmile:

Hesitant Brony
Hesitant Brony #23 · Dec 23rd, 2013 · · · The start of a sleepover ·
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3651323
you are some perfect editing God.
Both the wish and bane of authors everywhere.
Can I keep you on backlog for when I write my first fic?

Neko Majin C
Neko Majin C #24 · Dec 23rd, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
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3669602 I am nowhere near perfect, I am sure there a few things I missed. However, if you would like my help, I would be happy to lend it.:twilightsmile:

Sol Daybreak
Sol Daybreak #25 · Dec 23rd, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
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Oh...M-my :rainbowderp:................................:heart:

Neko Majin C
Neko Majin C #26 · Dec 23rd, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
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WARNING! MAJOR CHAPTER THREE SPOILERS!

Fluttershy replied despite the uneasy and nervousness she was feeling as she watched her wonderful home turn around her and barely dodged a wave of pots and pans that fell down past her and clattered below.

There should be a comma between "replied" and "despite," and "uneasy" should be "unease."

Upon hearing this, Fluttershy gave a shocked yet offended gasp as she narrowed her eyes at Discord

You need a comma between "shocked" and "yet," and you need a period or a comma at the end of the sentence.

Discord then placed his lion and claw hands on Fluttershy's shoulders with a seemingly innocent smile as he spoke“Well, of course you'd say that..."

There should be a comma, or a period, and a space between spoke and the quotation mark.

A voice shouted which the yellow Pegasus immediately recognized as Twilight's voice.

There should be a comma between "shouted" and "which."

She said and quickly flew out of the house to Twilight below but not before she caught Angel.

There should be commas between "said" and "and," and between "below" and "but."

Fluttershy lied though she put on the best poker face she could manage despite the overwhelming worry she was having for her home at the moment.

There should be commas between "lied" and "though," and between "manage" and "despite."

Fluttershy once again lied keeping her perfect poker face as she spoke.

There should be a comma between "lied" and "keeping."

Fluttershy lied once again doing her best to keep her poker face now despite the fact she had no idea what she was doing.

There should be commas between "again" and "doing," and between "now" and "despite."

Spike said as 1.)she showed the yellow Pegasus one of the spell books with 2A)a ripped out 2B.)pages.

1.) Spike is male.
2AB.) Either "a" or the s in "pages" are superfluous.

"...I can't control Discord any more than I can control my own 1.)fears and that's not much.” Fluttershy thought to herself as she hovered back and forth as the house continued to spin about 2.)with a deep sense of worry.

1.) There should be a comma between "fears" and "and."
2.) This phrase is misplaced. It makes it sound as though the house is spinning with worry. It should probably be put after "forth" and a comma should be place after "worry."

“Whatever could be the 1A.)matter Fluttershy?” Discord's voice spoke up from beside the 1B.)Pegasus at which point she turned to 1C.)look only to see a floating vase with the 2.)draconequus's face on 1D.)it rather than Discord himself.

1ABCD.) There should be commas between "matter" and "Fluttershy," "Pegasus" and "at," "look" and "only," and between "it" and "rather."
2.) "Draconequus" ends in s, so its possessive form is s apostrophe.

“Well um, I was hoping that you could um, maybe put my house back on the ground?”

There should be a comma between "well" and "um."

Discord than appeared a few moments later leaving the vase to fall and shatter as it impacted with the circling house much to Fluttershy's dismay.

"Than" should be "then," and you need commas between "later" an "leaving," and between "house" and "much."

Why the change of heart Fluttershy?”

You need a comma between "heart" and "Fluttershy."

“Well, um you see, I invited my friends over for dinner to show them how much progress we've made in reforming you and um, I don't think they would like it very much if the house was still in the sky and um... Spinning.” Fluttershy replied as she placed a hoof on the back of her head while her nervous smile showed through more so now than ever.

You need commas between "you" and "and," "sky" and "and," and between "through" and "more."

But Discord, my friends will over in a few short hours!

There should be a "be" between these two words.

“Of course 1A.)not but this is 2.)different putting this house back on the ground isn't forcing you to not be 1B.)yourself it's simply asking you to be nice and considerate of my friends. Something I know 3.)your capable of.” Fluttershy 1C.)replied doing her best to avoid the topic the draconequus had started.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "not" and "but," "yourself" and "it's," and between "replied" and "doing."
2.) There should be a period after "different," and "putting" should be capitalized."
3.) "Your" should be "you're."

"...I may have caused you to behave differently than you normally do but we both know that what I did was simply allow you five to behave as another part of yourselves. I hardly forced you to be anything but yourselves!” Discord replied defensively though his sneer never left his facial features.

There should be commas between "do" and "but," and between "defensively" and "though."

Discord asked expectantly as he clashed his lions paw around his claw hand.

"Clashed" should be "clasped," and "lions" should be "lion's."

“Oh my dear Fluttershy, must we lie to ourselves?..."

There should be a comma between "oh" and "my."

“I have never found you attractive Discord!”

There should be a comma between "attractive" and "Discord."

“But if you insist on bringing up that topic-” “It was a mistake! End of story!” Fluttershy roared cutting him off as she whirled around and glared at him.

Fluttershy and Discord's dialogues should be on separate lines, and there should be a comma between "roared" and "cutting."

“A mistake you say?”

There should be a coma between "mistake" and "you."

A live action movie began to play on the paper 1A.)now much to Fluttershy's embarrassment.

“Oh 1B.)yes Discord! Give it to me! I want to have your 2.)discord foals!”

1AB.) You need commas between "now" and "much," and between "yes" and "Discord."
2.) I am not sure if this is the right word here...

“Listen here mister!..."

There should be a comma between "here" and "mister."

Fluttershy's face seemed to turn beat red as the sound of a tea kettle whistle could seemingly be heard until with a rage-filled cry she tackled the draconequus to the wall and began to hit him as hard as she could as she sat on top of him.

There should be commas between "until" and "with," and between "cry" and "she." Also, "wall" should probably be "floor."

“I. 1A.)am. Not. Attracted. 1B.)to. You!” She 2A.)roared each word seemingly timed precisely with her blows. These blows hardly hurt the 2B.)draconequus which he took note of.

1AB.) "Am" and "to" should be capitalized.
2AB.) There should be commas between "roared" and "each," and between "draconequus" and "which."

As Fluttershy's hoof sailed towards Discords 1A.)face he caught it with his 2.)lions paw and looked at 1B.)her not with his usual mischievous grin, not with his usual sneer, not with his cackling laugh, but with an expression of wonder and curiosity. “You know Fluttershy, this seems more like 3.)your attempting to convince 1C.)yourself rather than 1D.)me that you don't find me attractive.” 4.)he remarked softly as he used his tail to make a finger 1E.)snap at which point the house suddenly stopped twirling around them and seemed to be sitting flat on the ground.

1ABCDE.) There should be commas between "face" and "he," "her" and "not," "yourself" and "rather," "me" and "than," and between "snap" and "at."
2.) "Lions" should be "lion's."
3.) "Your" should be "you're."
4.) "He" should be capitalized.

The yellow Pegasus asked incredulously the shock of Discord actually doing something nice causing the anger to drain from her as if a hole had been poked into her rage-filled body.

There should be a comma between "incredulously" and "the."

“Oh but you did my dear Fluttershy, you may have been saying the exact opposite but your actions and behavior tell a far different story.” Fluttershy began to say with a crimson red blush only for Discord to cut her off at which point she looked away from him.

Fluttershy remained still for a short time on top of the draconequus, not saying a word though not a single thought passed through her mind.

There should be comas between "did" and "my," "opposite" and "but," "off" and "at," and between "word" and "though."

Discord replied quickly and lifted his 1.)lions paw up to snap 2A.)it only for Fluttershy to grab it with both 2B.)hooves thus halting the draconequus's spell casting.

1.) "Lions" should be "lion's."
2AB.) You need commas between "it" and "only," and between "hooves" and "thus."

WARNING! FROM HERE ON, THIS COMMENT MAY GET A LITTLE NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

I um, hope you don't 1A.)mind but I'm not as straight forward 2.)like this. So perhaps we can um, take this slow?” Fluttershy asked with a 1B.)bashful blushing smile as she absentmindedly ran a hoof through her mane.

1AB.) There should be commas between "mind" and "but," and between "Bashful" and "blushing."
2.) "Like" should be "as."

Discord replied with a smirk as he hovered the tip of his finger over to the Pegasus's 1A.)head only for her to swat it away.

“No! I mean um, I want to do this as 1B.)myself rather 2.)than my discorded self.”

1AB.) You need commas between "head" and "only" and between ""myself" and "rather."
2.) You may want to put an "as" between "than" and "my."

A few more minutes passed and much to Discord's disappointment, Fluttershy lifted her mouth from his member and looked back at him with a desperate expression.

There should be a comma between "and" and "much."

Discord replied quickly, leaned forward, and began to run his tongue along her flower which caused the yellow Pegasus to quiver with anticipation before she resumed taking his length into her mouth.

There should be a comma between "flower" and "which."

Discord's tongue ran along her glistening folds, tasting every drop of her sweet nectar that had leaked through them for a time before he snaked his tongue in between them which caused Fluttershy to moan deeply onto his member.

Fluttershy's head now bobbed up and down along the draconequus's shaft taking in the taste of his precum and making sure to push her mane out-of-the-way when it got in front of her face as it often would while Discord's tongue danced around inside her sending waves of ecstasy and pleasure through her body.

There should be commas between "them" and "which," "face" and "as," and between "would" and "while."

Though the draconequus couldn't read her mind, he did pick up on the signals and quickly began to thrust his tongue in and out of her cunt which caused her to moan even louder and even suck harder on his throbbing member.

There should be commas between "signals" and "and," and between "cunt" and "which."

About this time, Angel bunny walked in through the front door, gave a startled chatter, and gawked at the two performing a sixty-nine for a few short moments before he began to slowly slink his way back out the door in a comical fashion complete with hitting his head on the upper part of the pet door on his way out.

There should be a comma between "fashion" and "complete."

She tried to tell her body to wait a little longer but it refused to listen as she gave an orgasmic cry onto his member as her yellow puffy pussy began to contract and gush it's love juices.

You need a comma between "longer" and "but."

“It's not very nice to lie Discord.”

There should be a comma between "lie" and "Discord."

Discord replied with an innocent smirk as he pointed his cock which was still rock hard.

There should be a comma between "cock" and "which."

“Oh, I'm so happy your friend is ready for another round but I have one small request.”

There should be a comma between "round" and "but."

“Cut the ponyfeathers Discord. You want me as much as I want you but I'm willing to pass up on this chance if you won't hear me out.”

There should be commas between "ponyfeathers" and "Discord," and between "you" and "but."

"...I'm not going to have to do that ridiculous thing the pink one does am I?”

There should be a comma between "does" and "am."

“1.)No. your word is good 2.)enough and so is this.”

1.) The period after "no" should be a comma, or the y in "your" should be capitalized."
2.) There should be a comma between "enough" and "and."

she said shakily due to the sheer pleasure coursing through her body by simply feeling his member deep inside her soaking wet folds.

"She" should be capitalized.

Discord replied though he was a bit calmer than she was despite the warmth and wetness of her love tunnel sending shivers down his spine.

There should be commas between "replied" and "though," and between "was" and "despite."

The mare slowly began to rock her body back and forth moaning out as she rode him before she began to lift herself up and slam his entire length back into her over and over.

There should be a comma between "forth" and "moaning."

“N-Not so fast Fluttershy!” Discord stuttered aloud though the lust filled mare seemed to ignore him as she continued slamming herself onto him like a piston.

There should be commas between "fast" and "Fluttershy," and between "aloud" and "though."

It was about this time when Angel came walking back inside thinking it was safe to come in, once again gave a startled chatter and gawked at Fluttershy as she cried out with each time she slammed her yellow cunt into the draconequus's member for a bit longer this time before he turned about-face, slammed a paw on his forehead and shook his head slowly as he chattered dismally while walking out of the house once again.

There should be a comma between "forhead" and "and."

I want your discord foals!

Fine, I will let the first one and this one go as Fluttershy's mid coitus lust babble.

“Keep up that pace and it won't be 1A.)long I assure(uhh!)you.” He replied as he placed his 2.)lions paw and claw hands on each side of her 1B.)rump and began to assist the Pegasus by moving her up and down at a faster pace.

1AB.) There should be commas between "long" and "I," and between "rump" and "and."
2.)"Lions" should be "lion's."

It wouldn't be long now, he could feel his cock twitching inside her, the all too familiar feeling that told him was nearing the point of no return.

There needs to be a "he" between "him" and "was."

Discord didn't need to be told twice as he forcefully slammed her hindquarters down to the hilt so that his full length was inside as he grunted loaded and came rope after rope of sticky hot seed into her soaking wet slit.

There should be commas between "grunted" and "loaded," and between "loaded" and "and."

A few moments later she collapsed on top of him huffing and puffing as the two enjoyed their afterglow.

You need a comma between "him" and "huffing."

Fluttershy finished only to moments later dash to a corner of the room and hide behind her wings, tail, and mane.

There should be a comma between "finished" and "only."

Ah don't think Fluttershy's copin too well with tellin a big secret like that.”

Copin' and tellin' need apostrophes at the end.

“Ugh, you can't honestly want this game to continue do you Pinkie? Look at Fluttershy for pony's sake!”

There should be comas between "continue" and "do," "you" and "Pinkie," and between "Fluttershy" and "for."

“I think the fun's been effectively ruined though.”

There should be a comma between "ruined" and :"though."

A soft voice said which caused the five to look over at Fluttershy. “If Pinkie wants to continue the game, that's fine with me.” Fluttershy said as she stood up, walked over to her sleeping bag and laid down on it.

There should be commas between "said" and "which" and between "bag" and "and."

“Well if your sure surgarcube, it's your turn.” Applejack said though she wasn't to keen on the idea.

"Sugar cube" is misspelled, and you need a comma between "said" and "though."

“Okay um, I dare you to um, 1A.)purr like a cat, if that's okay with you.” She replied.

The fashionista cleared her throat and did her best to make a cat 1B.)meowing 2.)sound though it sounded more like a dying cat than a living one.

1AB.) A meow is not a purr, Rarity failed to perform the dare.
2.) There should be a comma between "sound" and "though."

1A.)Fluttershy however looked at Pinkie Pie once again and grinned in a fashion that unnerved the mare. “Oh I'll get you back Pinkie, you can count on it.” she said in a matter-of-fact 1B.)tone to which Pinkie Pie gulped 2.)loudly

1AB.) You need commas between "Fluttershy" and "however," "however" and "looked" and between "tone" and "to."
2.) You need a period at the end of "loudly."

“Oki-doki-loki.” she replied with a nervous grin...

"She" should be capitalized.

That took less time than I thought it would. However, it did take almost six hours. I am looking forward to the other five ponies darkest secrets. They are not all sex secrets, are they? For a compelling sex scene, you have earned a Fluttershy ahegao.:fluttershbad: KBO.:twilightsmile:

ShadowNinja27
ShadowNinja27 #27 · Dec 24th, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
Reply

Wow so Fluttershy and Discord I think they do make a nice couple, I also wonder what will Fluttershy do to get back at Pinkie Pie? :pinkiehappy:

ArcCahlon
ArcCahlon #28 · Dec 27th, 2013 · · · The start of a sleepover ·
Reply

fim fiction seriously needs a way to notify folks by e-mail when there favorite authors release new stories. granted been busy with holiday crap but if i knew this was up i'd canceled christmas to read it.

looks to be interesting so far can't wait to see what kinda plot this ones takes.

ArcCahlon
ArcCahlon #29 · Dec 27th, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
Reply

lol ok that joke AJ told about the goldfish was funny. I was laughing for a bout 5 minutes striat. pretty good story so far tho a bit shorter then what you usually do it seems they are over once i begin reading them. can't wait to hear flutters lil story

ArcCahlon
ArcCahlon #30 · Dec 27th, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
Reply

wow could she be any more graphic on her story? I'm not sure she told what each hair on his balls was doing or the scent's in the air.... guess that truth spell really does work maybe a bit too much lol. kinda feel sorry for fluttershy but it's ok since she will make pinkie squirm. maybe she'll have pinkie tell her raunchiest sexapade, or her darkest secret, OH or maybe where her super secret stash of cookies are at. ^^

look forward to the next chapter, it'll be interesting to see what embarrassing fates await the rest.

Twilight Adept
Twilight Adept #31 · Dec 28th, 2013 · · · How I reformed a draconequus ·
Reply

3688932 if you follow the writer as opposed to just the stories they write you will get exactly those kids of updates :twilightsmile: FOLLOW NOW!!:flutterrage:

Gaztasterofpork
Gaztasterofpork #32 · Dec 28th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

Oh man I can't wait to hear this! And Come OUT FROM YOUR HIDEY HOLE DISCORD!!! Probably crammed up Fluttershy's ho ha :)

Wers
Wers #33 · Dec 28th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

Great story, other than a few words missing and some bad grammar ;3

Lag Incarnate
Lag Incarnate #34 · Dec 28th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

I must thank the physical limitations of my own face, because I think my smile would become so big it would implode.

Also, who's a silly pony?:raritywink:

ArcCahlon
ArcCahlon #35 · Dec 28th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

lol you got to admire pinkies no shits given response to the question. tho she does seem a bit more reluctant to give as many details as flutters did hehehe.

nmNighteyes
nmNighteyes #36 · Dec 28th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

MOAR!!!!!
this silly pony wants MOAR!!!!!
this is too awesome to wait for :)

Neko Majin C
Neko Majin C #37 · Dec 28th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

WARNING! MAJOR CHAPTER FOUR SPOILERS!

Wow, first line.

“You're 1A.)up Rarity.” Twilight said 2A.)simple as she wiped tears from her eyes due to laughing so hard.

The white mare 2B.)simple placed a hoof on her chin as she looked about the room at each of her friends until she stopped at Applejack. “Truth 3.)of 1B.)4.)Dare Applejack?” She asked 1C.)simply though a mischievous attitude could be heard in the tone of her voice.

“Ah'll take a 1D.)dare thank ya kindly.” Applejack replied quickly.

1ABCD.) There should be commas between "up" and "Rarity," "dare" and "Applejack," "simply" and "though," and between "dare" and "thank."
2AB.) "Simple" should be "simply."
3.) "Of" should be "or."
4.) The d in "dare" should be lowercase.

“I dare you to walk around the room and say; Who's a silly pony? Over and over for three minutes in the most ridiculous manner you can possibly speak in.” She replied her smirk not leaving her face.

'Who's a silly pony' should be in single quotes, and there should be a comma between "replied" and "she."

Applejack's face flushed and burned as she continued to prance around the room saying this earning giggles and even laughs from her friends.

There should be commas between "this" and "earning," "giggles" and "and," and between "laughs" and "from."

Three minutes came and went but not quickly enough for Applejack whom plopped on her sleeping bag and glared at the unicorn with a vengeful grin on her face. “So that's how y'all wanna play it huh?

There should be commas between "went" and "but," "Applejack" and "whom," and between "it" and "huh."

“Truth or dare R-D?”

There should be a comma between "dare" and "R-D."

“I poured apple cider all over myself and flew around town screaming, 1.)I'm wet and horny, somepony come dry me off with their tongue!” She 2A.)finished and literally pulled a Fluttershy as she hid her face behind her hooves blushing beat red.

“Oh, I remember 2B.)that but I didn't know it was Rainbow Dash.” Twilight remarked 3.)up as everypony in the room laughed loudly.

“Don't take it 2C.)personal R-D, it's all apart of the game.”

1.) 'I'm wet and horny, somepony come dry me off with their tongue!' should be inside single quotation marks.
2ABC.) There should be commas between "finished" and "and," "that" and "but," and between "personal" and "R-D."
3.) "Up" is superfluous.

"...Now to make one of you spill your deepest and darkest secrets or make ya do something really funny!”

There should be a comma between "secrets" and "or."

Her gaze soon stopped at Twilight whom gulped softly.

There should be a comma between "Twilight" and "whom."

“I honestly, can't decide.” Twilight admitted with a slight blush.

“Well choose already!

The comma between "honestly" and "can't" is superfluous, and there should be a comma between "well" and "choose."

“Okay, Okay! Uh, Truth!” She replied though she regretting saying those words immediately as Rainbow Dash grinned at her.

The t in "truth" should be lowercase, and there should be a comma between "replied" and "though."

“1.) 2A.) 3.)Stallion's of course.” Twilight 2B.)replied feeling relief wash over her.

1.) "Stallions" does not need an apostrophe.
2AB.) There should be commas between "stallions" and "of," and between "replied" and "feeling."
3.) Head canon NOT accepted.

“Wow, I had ya pinned for a lesbian Twilight. Not like I'd have any problem if you were but I've never seen you dating any around Ponyville.”

There should be commas between "lesbian" and "Twilight," and between "were" and "but." Also, everypony loves a lesbian.

“Well it looks like it's Twilight's turn now. Go ahead darling.”

There should be comas between "well" and "it," and between "ahead" and "darling."

“Truth or dare Fluttershy?” Twilight asked suddenly which caused the yellow Pegasus to give a startled squeak. “Unless you want to wait a little longer.” she added quickly as she took note of Fluttershy's apprehensive expression.

There should be commas between "dare" and "Fluttershy," and between "suddenly" and "which." Also, "she" should be capitalized.

Fluttershy's nervousness seemed to melt away upon hearing this as she cleared her throat and make a surprisingly accurate clucking sound.

“Well buck me an apple tree, that was really good Fluttershy.”

"Make" should be "made," and there should be a comma between "good" and "Fluttershy."

“Your turn Fluttershy.”

There should be a comma between "turn" and "Fluttershy."

Upon hearing this Fluttershy's face became incredibly wicked looking as she looked directly at Pinkie Pie. She had been waiting for this moment. “Truth or Dare Pinkie Pie?” she asked in a snooty tone that reminded the pink mare of how she behaved while discorded.

There should be commas between "this" and "Fluttershy," and between "dare" and "Pinkie." Also, the d in "dare" should be lowercase.

“1.)No, No. that's not nearly good enough.” She said aloud seemingly to herself. “What about...” 2.)she said 3.)aloud only for her voice to go into a hushed whisper.

1.) The second "no" should not be capitalized. The period should be a comma, or "that's" should be capitalized.
2.) "She" should be capitalized.
3.) There should be a comma between "aloud" and "only."

“Very 1A.)funny Rarity.” Twilight remarked with a smirk at the white 1B.)mare whom blinked at her 2.)on confusion.

“Why, whatever are you talking 1C.)about darling?” Rarity asked innocently.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "funny" and "Rarity," "mare" and "whom," and between "about" and "darling."
2.) "On" should be "in."

“Oh, It. Is. On!”

Either the comma should be a period, or the i should be lowercase.

Fluttershy suddenly blurted out at which point Rarity and Twilight both stared at Fluttershy due to her sudden outburst as popcorn kernels comically bounced off their respective noses and fell to the floor.

There should be a comma between "out" and "at."

“How do you manage to keep staying with the cakes even though you haven't paid them a single bit towards rent?”

"Cakes" should be capitalized.

“I buck Mr. 1A.)Cake of course!” Pinkie Pie replied in a fashion as if this wasn't an issue. “But how did you know that I-” 2.)she began to 1B.)ask only for her apple cider bottle lid to mysteriously pop off and hit her square in the 1C.)nose cutting her off.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "Cake" and "of," "ask" and "only," and between "nose" and "cutting."
2.) "She" should be capitalized.

“How can you say that when Mr. Cake is married to Ms. Cake!?”

"Ms." should be "Mrs."

“Oh silly me. I forgot to mention that 1.)Ms. Cake said it was okay since 2.)she often out-of-town managing their business. You really didn't think that Ponyville was the only town with a 3.) 4.)surgarcube 5A.)corner did ya?” She 5B.)replied once again speaking as if there wasn't any problem at all.

1.) "Ms." should be "Mrs."
2.) "She" should be "she's" or "she is."
3.) "Surgarcube" is spelled "Sugar Cube."
4.) "Sugar Cube Corner" should be capitalized.
5AB.) There should be commas between "Corner" and "did," and between "replied" and "once."

"...I mean, they have two foals for pony's sake!” Twilight blurted out looking completely flabbergasted at this new set of information.

There should be commas between "foals" and "for" and between "out" and "looking."

Rainbow Dash remarked with a shocked yet mildly disgusted look at the pink mare who had dodged the bullet by stuffing her mouth until she had finished.

There should be a comma between "shocked" and "yet."

Pinkie Pie frantically looked about but she had gone through her bowl of popcorn already as well as Rainbow Dash and Applejack's. She had no choice but to let the others hear what she had managed to prevent them from hearing ten minutes before as her mouth moved once again without her telling it to...

There should be commas between "about" and "but," "already" and "as," and between "before" and "as."

This was a cute little chapter.

Next chapter: Sexy Pinkie Pie time!:pinkiehappy:

Ursaringo94
Ursaringo94 #38 · Dec 29th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

Pinkie giveing no shits!? I LOVE IT!:pinkiehappy:

WANT MORE!

arkman575
arkman575 #39 · Dec 29th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

3693592
So I wasn't the only one thinking that.

rumbloo_is_best
rumbloo_is_best #40 · Dec 29th, 2013 · · · The Game Continues... ·
Reply

Yay! Ooh! This is really getting good!:ajsmug: :pinkiecrazy: Can't wait!!!!

Gammer14
Gammer14 #41 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · An innocent game of truth or dare? ·
Reply

Who needs a good night's sleep? I'm up late now despite needing to get up early to finish this great story :pinkiecrazy:

Villainous Insanity
Villainous Insanity #42 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · An offer she couldn't refuse... ·
Reply

Wow, who knew Pinkie Pie was Bi-sexual? XD

*raises his hoof*

thedarkshark24
thedarkshark24 #43 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · An offer she couldn't refuse... ·
Reply

Makes me wonder who's next Applejack? Rarity? Rainbowdash? Twilight?

Lag Incarnate
Lag Incarnate #44 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · An offer she couldn't refuse... ·
Reply

That's two down, now for the humor intermission and back to the "juicy" stuff. Also:

Read a bucking a book on it Rarity, she's a(hic!)classic case.

3709426
happygolegal.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/hands-raised.jpg

RadPony
RadPony #45 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · An offer she couldn't refuse... ·
Reply

A drunken Twilight storyteller?

Oh please do go on

Buzzard
Buzzard #46 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · An offer she couldn't refuse... ·
Reply

I totally knew pinkie was bi, I have a feeling rainbow is gonna get outed as lesbian soon lol

ArcCahlon
ArcCahlon #48 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · An offer she couldn't refuse... ·
Reply

pinkie isn't bi. she's multi sexual. colt, filly, mare, stallion, toaster oven, pastries, I'm sure she's into everything as long as it makes her smile. now I'm curious as to whom the next victim shall be.

oh and also surprised she broke her pinkie promise, I didn't think she'd do that spell or no spell, guess there are some things she can't break no matter how much she would want to.

Deathsia
Deathsia #49 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · An offer she couldn't refuse... ·
Reply

3712204

Why do you think she stuffed her mouth full of popcorn the first time around? She was doing her part in keeping her pinkie promise and also why she was rather pissed off at Fluttershy for making her say it again. She couldn't go off the rocker at her friend like she did AJ because none of them knew she had pinkie promised. That and having to say in graphic detail when and how you got banged is embarrassing enough....:rainbowwild:

Neko Majin C
Neko Majin C #50 · Jan 1st, 2014 · · · An offer she couldn't refuse... ·
Reply

Over seven thousand words? Alright, let us get started on this beast.

WARNING! MAJOR CHAPTER FIVE SPOILERS!

...green faced“We came as soon as we heard.”

There should be a comma and a space between "faced" and the quotation mark.

...she spoke“No, not baked goods, baked bads.”

There should be a comma and a space between "spoke" and the quotation mark.

"...We've let you stay here out of the kindness of our hearts but kindness won't pay the bills.”

There should be a comma between "hearts" and "but."

“We're lucky the ponies didn't due us for that mess-up you and your friend made.” Mr. Cake chimed in though he sounded far more upset than Mrs. Cake did.

"Due" should be "sue," and there should be a comma between "in" and "though."

...Mr. Cake 1A.)exclaimed cutting off the pink 1B.)mare and sighed heavily. “Listen, Pinkie, we know you mean 1C.)well but a simple apology isn't going to cut it this time. ...Unless you can think of some way to pay us back for the bits lost within the next week, we're going to have to ask you to leave and find somewhere else to live.” 2.)he finished and walked 1D.)away shaking his head.

1ABCD.) There should be commas between "exclaimed" and "cutting," "mare" and "and," "well" and "but," and between "away" and "shaking."
2.) "He" should be capitalized.

“We're really sorry dearie but there's no other way to do this. You've messed up before but nothing this big. We've been more than tolerant of your mistakes but this just takes the... well cake!” Mrs. Cake added and gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder before she walked away leaving Pinkie Pie to her thoughts.

There should be commas between "sorry" and "dearie," "dearie" and "but," "before" and "but," "mistakes" and "but," and between "away"and "leaving."

She enjoyed being spontaneous and laughing things off most of the time but this, this she couldn't laugh off or find something random to solve the issue. She was facing being homeless and that wasn't a laughing matter.

There should be commas between "time" and "but," and between "homeless" and "and."

Sure she could ask to stay with one of her friends but the Cakes are the ponies who have put up with her for so many years now.

There should be a comma between "friends" and "but."

More like, "really, really close friends".

The close quote should be on the outside of the period.

However no matter how much she thought it over, she could think of nothing that would provide a solid solution to her predicament.

There should be a comma between "however" and "no."

“I've thought of a few ideas but none of them would make me enough bits to cover the amount they lost.”

There should be a comma between "ideas" and "but."

“Well of course nothing would cover that many bits!..."

There should be a comma between "well" and "of."

"...I mean what pony would reduce themselves to that?”

There should be a comma between "mean" and "what."

“Thanks Dashie!..."

There should be a comma between "thanks" and "Dashie."

Rainbow Dash replied looking completely bewildered for a moment until it hit her at which point her facial expression became slightly panicked.

There should be commas between "replied" and "looking," and between "her" and "at."

“Nah!” she said and flew off.

"She" should be capitalized.

Mr. and Mrs. Cake came home that evening to see surgarcube corner immaculately clean much to their shock.

"Surgarcube" is spelled "Sugarcube," "Sugarcube Corner" should be capitalized, and there should be a comma between "clean" and "much."

Mr. Cake remarked in awe as he ran a hoof along the glass case which made a squeaky-clean sound as he ran a hoof along it.

This is a repetition of terms in a single sentence. It my read better if the second "as he ran a hoof along" read "as he did so."

One thing that stood out however was an abnormally large arrow next to the staircase with the words “THIS WAY” printed on it. Curiously the Cakes walked up the stairs and past the sign only to see yet another abnormally large sign with the same words printed on the last one pointing towards their bedroom.

There should be commas between "out" and "however," "however" and "was," "curiously" and "the," and between "sign" and "only."

Mrs. Cake asked curiously as she opened the door to their 1)room only to both stare slack-jawed as they looked at Pinkie Pie dressed in a 2.)sultry outfit with an equally sultry expression on her face as 3.)he looked at the two.

1.) There should be a coma between "room" and "only."
2.) Just how "sultry" was the outfit? What did it look like? What color was it? What was it made out of? Did it clash with her coat, or did it match? Were there stockings? Panties? A corset? Was it frilly? Did it hold her tail up and out of the way? Did it expose any of her naughty bits?
3.) "He" should be "she."

"...So I got to thinking of some way to pay you two back for being so kind and boy did I do a lot of thinking!..."

There should be a comma between "kind" and "and."

What better way to pay you two back then by letting you have your way with me!”

"Then" should be "than."

Mrs. Cake asked in a stunned tone though Mr. Cake seemed to be fixated on Pinkie Pie at the moment as if seeing her completely differently than before. That is until Mrs. Cake gave him a swift slap to the side of the head with a glare which snapped him out of his stare.

There should be commas between "tone" and "though," and between "is" and "until."

Pinkie Pie replied cryptically only to begin laughing and snorting at her getting the idea from Rainbow Dash.

There should be a comma between "cryptically" and "only."

“I understand 1.)your desperate to stay 2A.)here dearie but there is no need to offer yourself up like this. Not only is it bad for you to lower yourself to such 2B.)things but think of how me and Mr. Cake feel3.)? Do you really think we would allow you to degrade yourself to prostitution?” Mrs. Cake asked and looked to Mr. 2C.)Cake only to notice that he 2D.)had once 2E.)again begun staring at her as if in a trance. That is, until she once again slapped him upside the 2F.)head at which point he cleared his throat.

1.) "Your" should be "you're."
2ABCDEF.) There should be commas between "here" and "dearie," "dearie" and "but," "things" and "but," "Cake" and "only," "had" and "once," "again" and "begun," and between "head" and "at."
3.) The question mark should be a period.

Mr. Cake added quickly though he trailed off again as he began to stare off at Pinkie Pie again only to snap himself out of his own trance this time around.

There should be commas between "quickly" and "though," and between "again" and "only."

Mr. Cake 1A.)replied though his voice sounded 2.)nervous more than stern.

Pinkie Pie bounced off the bed and hopped passed the 1B.)two only to take note of the fact that Mr. Cake's hind right leg was raised as if shielding something from 1C.)view though she dismissed 3.)the as nothing more than coincidence as she left the room.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "replied" and "though," "two" and "only," and between "view" and "though."
2.) This may read better as "more nervous."
3.) "The" should be "this."

Though Pinkie Pie now lay in her bed she wondered what kind of ideas the Cakes could be talking about to help her pay off her debt to them. Surely it couldn't hurt to ease-drop could it?

There should be a comma between "bed" and "she," "ease-drop" should be "eavesdrop," and "could."

“But 1.)surgardumping, she wants to.” Mr. Cake said in a pleading tone.

“You can't be 2A.)serious sweetcakes. 2B.)Sure we had talked about 2C.)this and agreed we would try it one 2D.)day but with Pinkie Pie? Celestia knows how that mare would behave in bed!”

3.)“Then why don't you suggest a mare we can trust then?” Mr. Cake 2E.)replied his voice sounding annoyed now.4.)

1.) I am sure you mean "sugar dumpling."
2ABCDE.) There should be commas between "serious" and "sweetcakes," "sure" and "we," "this" and "and," "day" and "but," and between "day" and "but."
3.)There should be only one "then" in this sentence, either at the beginning or the end. If you choose to keep the one at the end, you will need a comma between it and "trust."
4.) This entire thing is italicized, only the dialogue between Mister and Missus Cake should be italicized, not the narration.

"...Besides, 1.)do you 2.)really think a mare of her stature, being the Princess's student and all, would probably end up writing a letter to her mentor about the 3.)experience 4.)and I can only imagine the bad publicity that would bring to our business.” Mr. Cake 5.)replied at which point Mrs. Cake could be heard sighing loudly.6.)

1.) "Do" should be "don't."
2.) "Really" should be omitted.
3.) there should be a question mark after "experience."
4.) "And" should be capitalized.
5.) There should be a comma between "replied" and "at."
6.) Once again, only the dialogue between the Cakes should be italicized, not the narration.

“We just got done telling her that it wasn't a good idea to lower herself to that in order to stay here though. We would look like a couple of hypocrites if we asked her to after that.” Mrs. Cake replied and sighed once again.

There should be a comma between "here" and "though." Also, once again, only the dialogue should be italicized, not the narration.

“1.)Surgardumpling, do you really think we could ever kick her out? Sure she messes up a 2A.)lot but we both know she always means 2B.)well and it's not like she's driven us bankrupt with this mistake of hers...” 3.)Mr. Cake replied in a warm tone of voice.

1.) "Sugar dumpling" is misspelled.
2AB.) There should be commas between "lot" and "but," and between "well" and "and."
3.) Once again, only the dialogue should be italicized, not the narration. How about, from now on, I call this the "Italicized Narration Complication?"

“Ahem, that's... beside the 1A.)point 2.)honeybun.” 3A.)Mr. Cake 1B.)replied his voice sounding nervous now. “My point is that she is the only mare in this town we are close enough 1C.) 4.)to allow us to consider doing this with her.” 3B.) 5.)he 1D.)added though his voice sounded much more confident now.

1ABCD.) There should be commas between "point" and "honey bun," "replied" and "his," "to" and "to," and between "added" and "though."
2.) "Honey bun" is two words.
3AB.) Italicized Narration Complication.
4.) There should be a "to" between "to" and "allow."
5.) "He" should be capitalized.

"...I'm not really up for the 1A.)idea but I 1B.)did after 1C.)all promise you we would try this one 1D.)day and I won't go back on my word.” 2A.)Mrs. Cake said 1E.)finally and sighed once again. “But if she gets too silly or rowdy, I'm putting a stop to this before it even begins.” 3.) 2B.)she added a few moments later in a 1F.)stern yet threatening tone.

“Should we tell her now?” 2C.)Mr. Cake 1G.)asked though his voice hardly hid its excitement.

“It's 1H.)late sweetkins, let's wait 4.)till tomorrow.” 2D.)Mrs. Cake 1I.)replied followed by a yawn.

1ABCDEFGHI.) There should be commas between "idea" and "but," "did" and "after," "all" and "promise," "day" and "and," "finally" and "and," "stern" and "yet," "asked" and "though," "late" and "sweetkins," and between "replied" and "followed."
2ABCD.) Italicized Narration Complication.
3.) "She" should be capitalized.
4.) "Till" should be "until."

The next morning Pinkie Pie was up bright and early as she always was, the events of last night farthest from her mind, that is until she came home that afternoon to see Mr. and Mrs. Cake sitting at a table.

There should be a comma between "morning" and "Pinkie."

“1.)Oki-loki,doki!” Pinkie Pie replied enthusiastically as she bounced over to the table and 2.)dug into the cake that sat on the table sloppily 3.)to which Mrs. Cake glared at Mr. Cake.

1.) It is "Okie dokie, lokie."
2.) "Sloppily" should be moved to before or after "dug."
3.) There should be a comma between "table" and "to."

she said in the sweetest tone she could muster despite her annoyance with Pinkie Pie's behavior.

"She" should be capitalized, and there should be a comma between "muster" and "despite."

Pinkie Pie looked at Mrs. 1.)Cake now taking note of the fact she was less than pleased with her pigging out on the cake like she was, gulped down what she had stuffed into her mouth so far, and giggled nervously. “Sorry!” 2.)she said sheepishly.

“Thank you.” Mrs. Cake 3.)replied looking genuinely impressed that Pinkie Pie was 4A.)able to actually 4B.)able to behave maturely when asked to.

1.) "Now" is superfluous, and there should be a comma between "Cake" and "taking."
2.) "She" should be capitalized.
3.) There should be a comma between "replied" and "looking."
4AB.) You only need one "able to," it does not matter which one you keep.

Mr. Cake replied simply to which Mrs. Cake sighed heavily.

There should be a comma between "simply" and "to."

Upon hearing this, Pinkie Pie's mind shot directly to last night's 1A.)conversation at which point she had a 2.)feeling what Mr. Cake was about to talk to her 1B.)about but fought the urge to outburst 1C.)this despite her usual impulses screaming at her 3.)too.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "conversation" and "at," "about" and "but," "and between "this" and "despite."
2.) I think there should be a "she knew" between "feeling" and "what."
3.) This is the wrong "to."

We know you mean well and the fact that we both know your only source of income is what we pay you.

There should be a comma between "well" and "and." Also, "the fact that" is unneeded.

“Ahem, well, we thought of a way for you to do that actually.” Mr. Cake replied though his voice sounded a little nervous now as he spoke.

There should be commas between "that" and "actually," and between "replied" and "though."

“As you know, I'm often out-of-1.)town and Mr. Cake is often left to his own 2A.)devices and well, when a pony gets in the mood, it's hard to shake 3.)it so me and my 4.)Husband agreed a long time 2B.)ago that if we found a mare we could trust...” She 2C.)began only to trail off.

1.) There should be a period after "town" and "and" should be capitalized.
2ABC.) There should be commas between "devices" and "and," "ago" and "that," and between "begin" and "only."
3.) There should be a period after "it," and "so" should be capitalized.
4.) "Husband" should be lowercase.

Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she bounced around the room only to stop literally mid-bounce in the air upon seeing Mrs. Cake's slightly annoyed stare.

There should be a comma between "room" and "only."

“Well, that saves us having to explain everything honeybuns.”

There should be a comma between "everything" and "honey buns," and "honey buns" is two words.

“I 1A.)am but on two conditions.” Mrs. Cake 1B.)said though her voice sounded stern and strict as she spoke.

“Which 2.)is?” Pinkie Pie 1C.)asked doing her best to keep her bouncy impulses in check at the moment.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "am" and "but," "said" and "though" and between "asked" and "doing."
2.) "Is" should be "are."

“You keep this relationship purely unconditional and if I object at any time to you or my sweetiekins when either of you wants to run off and buck, you drop the idea then and there for the day.

There should be a comma between "unconditional" and "and." Also, I do not think "unconditional" is the correct word here, considering the "on two conditions" line a few sentences ago. The word should probably be "unemotional" or "casual."

Pinkie Pie chirped looking a little scared of Mrs. Cake due to her attitude making the condition sound as if she didn't follow it to the mark, there would be dire consequences

There should be commas between "chirped" and "looking" and between "attitude" and "making." Also, this sentence may be pregnant, since it did not get its period.:rainbowlaugh:

Pinkie Pie exclaimed enthusiastically which caused Mrs. Cake to blush crimson with a startled expression due to being put on the spot suddenly and look away. “Oh! You are! This is gonna be fun!” she added as she resumed bouncing around the room.

There should be commas between "enthusiastically" and "which," and between "suddenly" and "and." Also, "she" should be capitalized.

Mrs. Cake attempted to continue 1A.)speaking but Pinkie Pie bouncing around the room seemed to continuously annoy 1B.)her “Pinkie Pie, would you please behave like the mare instead of your horseshoe size?!” 2.)she blurted out in frustration and 1C.)sighed at which point Pinkie 1D.)Pie once 1E.)again literally halted mid-bounce in the air and seemed to float back to the floor. “Honestly dearie, if you can't behave like a mare for more than five minutes, 3.)than I don't see any point in this arrangement.”

1ABCDE.) There should be commas between "speaking" and "but," "her" and the quotation mark, "sighed" and "at," "Pie" and "once," and between "again" and "literally."
2.) "She" should be capitalized.
3.) 'Than" should be "then."

“Glad to see your thinking of the important things Pinkie.” Mrs. Cake remarked looking impressed at the fact that she had thought of something extremely important like that as she reached down, picked up a brown paper bag on the floor which was sitting next to her with her mouth, set it on the table, and took out a small box with the words, “Foal Prevention!” printed on the side of it.

There should be commas between "things" and "Pinkie," and between "remarked" and "looking."

Pinkie Pie remarked dragging out the sound of her first word longer than she needed to only to suddenly look confused. “What happened to using a rubber?” she asked curiously.

There should be commas between "remarked" and "dragging" and between "to" and "only." Also, "she" should be capitalized.

Pinkie Pie replied reciting the motions she often did when she made her signature Pinkie Pie promises.

There should be a comma between "replied" and "reciting."

“So lets pop some pills and make some cream pies!”

"Lets" should be "let's."

She didn't expect Pinkie Pie to want to wait long, given her impulsive personality but immediately after the conversation? “Are you sure you don't want to wait a little longer dearie? It is still business hours after all.” Mrs. Cake said with a nervous smile almost regretting making this agreement already.

There should be commas between "personality" and "but," "longer" and "dearie," "hours" and "after," and between "smile" and "almost."

The mare found it 1.)both comforting to know that the hyperactive mare was able to resist her impulses to try to hump her husband before 2A.)this but at the same time unnerving to hear that her friend had fantasized about her husband bucking her many times.

“V-Very 2B.)well but I'm not so sure I'll be taking part this time. Somepony needs to run the 2C.)store after 2D.)all since it's still business hours.” She conceded finally.

1.) "Both" is unneeded.
2ABCD.) There should be commas between "this" and "but," "well" and "but," "store" and "after," and between "all" and "since."

However before she could unlock the door, she felt somepony bite on her tail and begin to drag her away from the door.

There should be a comma between "however" and "before."

Mr. Cake remarked with a smirk as he followed the mare's upstairs.

"Mares" does not need an apostrophe.

“You could have objected and waited till tomorrow you know.”

"Till" should be "until," and there should be a comma between "tomorrow" and "you."

WARNING! FROM HERE ON, THIS COMMENT MAY GET NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

Do not say that I did not warn you.

Mrs. Cake began to ask only for her to feel a tongue running over her light blue mound at which point her mane and tail shot up in surprise. “P-Pinkie! What are you doing?!” She exclaimed with a crimson red blush only to stifle a moan as the pink mare's tongue ran along her clit sending a wave of pleasure down her spine.

There should be commas between "ask" and "only," "mound" and "at," "blush" and "only," and between "clit" and "sending."

Pinkie Pie was next to get on the bed though she jumped on it rather than simply climbing on it which caused the springs to groan as she landed. “Now we can continue.” she said lustfully as she gently moved Mrs. Cake's tail which had instinctively shielded her goods to the side, leaned down, and resumed running her tongue along the light blue mare's slit.

There should be commas between "bed" and "though," and between "tail" and "which." Also, "she" should be capitalized.

“I can't believe this is happening, somepony is eating me out other than my husband..."

This would read better if it was written, "somepony other than my husband is eating me out."

“Enjoying the 1A.)show Mr. Cake?” She asked in a sultry tone before she inserted her tongue back into Mrs. Cake's 1B.)slit which was growing wetter by the second.

“Y-Yeah.” Mr. Cake 1C.)stuttered nearly drooling as 2.)the Mrs. Cake moaned out and Pinkie's hoof snaked under herself and began to rub herself gingerly.

“D-Don't just stare! It's embarrassing!” Mrs. Cake 1D.)flustered blushing red as she looked over at her husband.

1ABCD.) There should be commas between "show" and "Mr," "slit" and "which," "stuttered" and "nearly," and between "flustered" and "blushing."
2.) "The" is superfluous.

...Pinkie Pie removed her mouth from Mrs. Cake's flower once 1A.)again much to Mrs. Cake's 2.)disappointment “She's right Mr. Cake, why don't you come over here and join us?” 3.)she asked with a 1B.)smirk at which point Mr. Cake walked over to the bed as Pinkie Pie resumed eating out Mrs. Cake.

1AB.) There should be commas between "again" and "much," and between "smirk" and "at."
2.) There should be a period or a comma between "disappointment" and the quotation mark.
3.) "She" should be capitalized.

Moments later, Pinkie Pie's eyes snapped wide as she felt something resting at her entrance which caused her to lift her head up and look behind herself to see Mr. Cake looking over her.

There should be a comma between "entrance" and "which."

“Just stick it in her 1A.)already 2.)honeybuns, we both know you've been wanting to do this since last 1B.)night and you know I'm okay with it.” Mrs. Cake 1C.)replied looking a little agitated at the moment due to her pleasure being interrupted twice in the last five minutes.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "already and "honey," "night" and "and," and between "replied" and "looking."
2.) "Honey buns" is two words.

Pinkie Pie didn't need to be told twice but feeling the object of her fantasies now plowing her was greatly distracting her as she resumed pleasuring Mrs. Cake.

There should be a comma between "twice" and "but."

Mrs. Cake remarked dismally as Pinkie Pie moaned out seemingly completely forgetting about her task in pleasuring Mrs. Cake.

There should be a coma between "out" and "seemingly."

Pinkie Pie attempted to apologize between moans only for Mrs. Cake to lock lips with the pink mare cutting her off.

There should be a comma between "mare" and "cutting."

“You're really getting into 1.)this 2.)surgardumpling.” Mr. cake grunted as the pleasure continued to mount in his throbbing member as he slammed it into Pinkie Pie's puffy pink 3.)cunt.

1.) There should be a coma between "this" and "sugar"
2.) "Sugar" is misspelled, and "sugar dumpling" is two words.
3.) Oh, come on, could you not have ended that sentence with a pretty alliteration? I am sure that there is a p word that means about the same thing as the word with which you ended that sentence.

“Oh that won't take long...” Pinkie Pie drawled between moans as her body twitched with each thrust into her puffy pink pussy, pushing her closer and closer to her climax which was not far away at all.

There should be commas between "oh" and "that," and between "climax" and "which."

Mrs. Cake now lay on her side as she rubbed herself with swift yet gently strokes to her marehood.

There should be a comma between "swift" and "yet."

Pinkie Pie's statement was dead on as moments after Mrs. Cake began to rub herself, the pink mare gave a high-pitched orgasmic cry as her vaginal muscles contracted around Mr. Cake's member and her marehood began to gush its juices all over Mr. Cake's cock.

Mrs. Cake watched the mare's fluids dribble on the bed the steady stream of mare-cum making a steady pattering sound as it splashed against the mattress and stained it.

There should be commas between "on" and "as," "member" and "and," and between "bed" and "the."

Eventually Pinkie Pie's orgasm subsided and the mare collapsed on the 1A.)bed causing Mr. Cake's member to slip out. “I certainly hope you're not 1B.) 2.)close honeybuns, because I'm looking forward to a good, long rutting.” Mrs. Cake remarked with a smirk as she crawled up to the head of her bed, spread her 1C.)legs and motioned for her husband to come over.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "bed" and "causing," "close" and "honey," and between "legs" and "and."
2.)"Honey buns" is two words.

“Oh don't you 1A.) 2.)worry sweetiepie, I'll give you what you want.” Mr. Cake remarked lustfully as he leaned forward and locked lips with his wife as he slid his 1B.)member still 3.)coating in Pinkie Pie's orgasmic 1C.)juices into her.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "worry" and "sweetie," "member" and "still," and between "juices" and "into."
2.) "Sweetie pie" is two words.
3.) "Coating" should be "coated."

"...You love bucking me hard and fast after making another mare cum all over your cock, don't ya honeykins?”

There should be a comma between "ya" and "honeykins."

“Hehe, If I didn't know any better Mrs. Cake. I'd say that you're even more turned on than usual.”

There should be a comma between "better" and "Mrs," and the period after "Cake" should be a comma.

Mrs. Cake 1.)asked though she could barely keep her thoughts steady as her husband's member continuously 2.)“thrust” them from her mind.

1.) There should be a comma between "asked" and "though."
2.) Ha. Very punny. You ought to be pun-ished.

Pinkie Pie replied as if what she had just said was not big as she continued to mean her way down to her intended target.

There should be a comma between "big" and "as," and "mean" should be "make."

Mrs. Cake began to ask nervously only for Mr. Cake to seemingly go into overdrive and thrust himself harder and deeper into her while Pinkie Pie fonded her left teat as she continued to suck and lick the right one.

There should be commas between "nervously" and "only," and between "overdrive" and "thrust." Also,"fonded" should be "fondled."

Mrs. Cake's senses were being overloaded now. She found herself lost in a the bottom of a sea pleasure with no desire to come up for air. Her climax rushing forward so fast she had no time to stop it. In no time at all she had the hardest and most body jerking orgasm she had ever had.

"Now" is superfluous, and there should be commas between "pleasure" and "with," "fast" and "she," and between "all" and "she."

Mr. Cake exclaimed and while Mrs. Cake expected him to fill her with his seed,...

There should be a comma between "exclaimed" and "and."

I'm trying to enjoy an orgasm and your making me laugh which is ruining it!”

There should be commas between "orgasm" and "and" and between "laugh" and "which."

“You don't seem to upset over that though.”

There should be a comma between "that" and "though."

“We're never going to have normal sex ever again with her being involved.” Mr. Cake remarked as he sat down on the bed while his member slowly grew flaccid.

There should be commas between "again" and "with," and between "bed" and "while."

“That's not a bad thing is it?”

There should be a comma between "thing" and "is."

Pinkie Pie leaned over Mrs. Cake 1.)now and looked over at her “2.)Oki-doki,loki!” she replied and ran her tongue along Mrs. Cake's 3A.)teats which got her a nice amount of Mr. Cake's seed on her 3B.)tongue which she lapped up and swallowed.

1.) "Now" is superfluous.
2.) It is spelled "okie dokie, lokie," and there should be a space between the comma and "lokie."
3AB.) There should be commas between "teats" and "which," and between "tongue" and "which."

Mrs. Cake asked curiously though she gave an audible shudder and moan as a wave of pleasure coursed through her body.

There should be a comma between "curiously" and "though."

Pinkie Pie lifted her head 1A.)up and looked at Mrs. 2A.)cake with a lust-filled 3.)expression “Mr. Cake is going to be out of commission for a little 1B.)while so we can have a little fun until he's ready for another round. Don't tell me your spent already?” 2B.)she replied with a smile before she resumed cleaning off Mrs. Cake's teats and lower chest with her mouth and tongue.

“Well, 4.)usually only go for one 1C.)round and it's still business 1D.)hours so we really should-” Mrs. Cake began to 1E.)explain only for her explanation to be cut off with a sharp moan.

1ABCDE.) There should be commas between "up" and "and," "while" and "so," "round" and "and," "hours" and "so," and between "explain" and "only."
2AB.) "Cake" and "she" should be capitalized.
3.) There should be a period or comma after "expression."
4.) There should be a "we" before "usually."

“You tell me you want to stop but your body tells me you want to keep going.”

There should be a comma between "stop" and "but."

she added a few moments later as she put her hoof close to Mrs. Cake's maw who seemed to be hesitant to clean it off.

"She" should be capitalized, and there should be a comma between "maw" and "who."

Being pleasured by a mare was one thing but returning the favor?

There should be a comma between "thing" and "but."

“Well, what are you waiting for? It's time to stop starin' and get lickin'! Pinkie Pie exhorted just before she dug her own maw into Mrs. Cake's light blue puffy slit which earned a loud moan from the mare.

There should be a close quote after the exclamation point, and there should be commas between "exhorted" and "just," and between "slit" and "which."

“You only live once...” She concluded softly, leaned in, and began to shyly lick at Pinkie Pie's folds getting a sample of her sex as the mare's juices continued to leak from her slit.

There should be commas between "folds" and "getting" and between "sex" and "as." Also, YOLO.

The sight of his wife and Pinkie Pie in full-blown lesbian action was more than enough to get Mr. Cake hard again as he watched the two go at it for a little longer before he crawled up to his wife and presented his throbbing member to her.

There should be commas between "action" and "was" and between "again" and "as."

she added as she got off top of Mrs. Cake whom looked confused for a moment as to why she had removed the object of her sexual high until she caught on as Pinkie Pie laid next to her.

"She" should be capitalized, and there should be commas between "Cake" and "whom," and between "high" and "until."

Mr. Cake replied as he gently moved Mrs. Cake's hooves away from his member, crawled over to Pinkie Pie and began to plow her missionary style.

“Make sure you give Mrs. Cake some too!” Pinkie Pie moaned after a few minutes of plowing by the stallion who quickly picked up on the idea Pinkie Pie had in mind.

There should be commas between "Pie" and "and," "some" and "too," and between "stallion" and "who."

Once again, Mrs. Cake could feel the Pinkie Pie's juice run along her inner walls and mix with her own. Though this didn't last too long as Mr. Cake pulled out of her and began to slam his length into Pinkie Pie again.

"The" is superfluous, and there should be a comma between "long" and "as."

Mrs. Cake wasn't far off either as she leaned over and resumed making out with Pinkie Pie as Mr. Cake's panting became erratic signally he would blow his load at any moment.

There should be commas between "either" and "as," and between "erratic" and "signaling." Also, "signally" should be "signaling."

“Give me some 1A.) 2.)frosting honeybuns!” Mrs. Cake exclaimed as she reached down and 3A.)pulled Mr. Cake's 1B.)cock 3B.)out which was still squirting. Mr. Cake immediately slammed his cock into his wife, emptying the 4.)remained contents of his balls into her slit.

“5.)mmmmph!” She moaned out as she locked lips with her husband and came hard.

1AB.) There should be commas between "frosting" and "honey," and between "cock" and "which."
2.) "Honey buns" is two words.
3AB.) "Out" should be moved to just after "pulled."
4.) "Remained" should be "remaining."
5.) The first m should be capitalized.

Mr. Cake's balls soon 1A.)emptied and the stallion collapsed in between the two 1B.)mares whom scooted to the side and wrapped their hooves around him. “Is he asleep?” Pinkie Pie asked curiously. She couldn't tell since Mr. Cake 2.)was facing her at the 1C.)moment but she could hear faint snoring sounds.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "emptied" and "and," "mares" and "whom," and between "moment" and "but."
2.)This should be either "was not facing her," "wasn't facing her," or "was facing away from her."

“Hey, Just because I like to have fun and throw parties doesn't mean I like to behave like my horseshoe size all the time!”

"Just" should be lowercase, and there should be a comma between "parties" and "doesn't."

“I'll try but no promises.”

There should be a comma between "try" and "but."

Pinkie Pie finished only for her face to become a scowl once she had. “That was a meanie-pants thing you did Fluttershy!”

There should be commas between "finished" and "only," and between "did" and "Fluttershy."

“Revenge is never 1A.)nice Pinkie Pie.” Rarity remarked with a smirk. “I'm surprised at 1B.)Fluttershy though. What pony knew she was so passive aggressive.” 2.)she remarked with a curious look to 1C.)Fluttershy whom looked satisfied with the embarrassment she had put the pink mare through.

1ABC.) There should be commas between "nice" and "Pinkie," "Fluttershy" and "though," and between "Fluttershy" and "who."
2.) "She" should be capitalized.

“Read a bucking a book on it Rarity, she's a(hic!)classic case.”

I am just going to chalk this up as inebriated speech.

Fluttershy remarked with a shocked expression at the Alicorn due to Twilight's curses snapping her attention to Twilight.

""Alicorn" does not need to be capitalized, also, there should be commas between "alicorn" and "due," and between "curses" and "snapping."

“Ah reckon we'll all be learning somethin' 1.)bout one another we didn't know before this game's over.” Applejack commented and looked at Pinkie 2A.)Pie who still was scowling at Fluttershy. “3.)You're 2B.)turn 4.)surgarcube.”

1.) There should be an apostrophe at the beginning of 'bout.
2AB.) There should be commas between "Pie" and "who" and between "turn" and "sugarcube."
3.) "You're" should be "your."
4.) "Sugarcube" is misspelled.

Finally! It took twelve hours, but I finally finished this chapter! Pinkie should be super depressed and pissed that she was magically forced to break a Pinkie Promise.:pinkiesad2::pinkiecrazy: Watch out, Twilight and Fluttershy.:twilightoops::fluttercry: As expected, Pinkie's sex scene was wild. For such a good scene, you deserve a Pinkie ahegao.:pinkiegasp: I await the next chapter, KBO.:twilightsmile:

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