Beef Jerky and Tits
Iron Will was speeding down a highway made of Slim Jims on his lightning-powered motorcycle, his leather jacket with a picture of a lion eating a tri-tip steak on the back flapping in the breeze. He stopped flexing his muscles to adjust his cowboy hat as two large-breasted women on either side of him took off their tops and started to make out. He was passing several mountains made of condensed GMC protein powder.
He looked up and saw that the clouds made of cigar smoke were drizzling hammerhead sharks, so he put on his sunglasses, and stroked his Duck Dynasty beard. Iron Will then twisted the throttle and sped up, a huge cloud of fire and Budweiser shooting out of his assault rifle-shaped exhaust pipe. His tight American flag pants rippled with the wind as he was hit with a full-on Doctor Pepper front.
The Doctor Pepper didn't affect Iron Will, so he pulled out some weights and started powerlifting, just to show the weather who was boss. He warmed up with a mere three hundred pounds on each side, until his manly muscles were good and stretched. Afterwards he turned around and leapt onto the two cages that were tied to the back of his motorcycle, each of which housed an African Elephant. The motorcycle(which was a cross-breed between a Harley and a Kawasaki) drove perfectly straight because Iron Will was just that fucking muscular. His massive, rippling veins pulsated in all of their masculine glory, as they fueled his body with the tiger blood, that carried dragon oxygen to his every living cell.
Landing on the cages, he struck a pose that was so incredible, the cages burst open. The African Elephants each activated their jet-boots and flew onto each end of the bar. Iron Will dove back to his motorcycle, and lifted the elephants above his head, then he started doing squat thrusts. His calf muscles burst out of his Americana pants, giving him a super-manly grunge look.
Iron Will knew that the situation wasn't nearly manly enough, so he attached two boomboxes to the African Elephants. One of the boomboxes was playing Van Halen, and the other was blasting Metallica. He dropped his weights and pulled out a katana, which he used to shoot lightning at the sky while the hot, totally topless chicks grabbed his junk. Iron Will looked down at the hot girls.
"Iron Will please," said Hot Chick Number One,"I know you're too muscular to be affected by such minor things as natural disasters, but we mere mortals can't withstand the furious deliciousness of Doctor Pepper."
Hot Chick Number Two bounced her boobies in agreement.
Iron Will felt bad for the two hot chicks, for he had the manliest quality of all: a heart of gold that he liked to keep quiet about. So he pressed a button on his motorcycle and it turned into a shark-shaped monster truck made of fire. He stopped blaring Van Halen and Metallica, opting for ACDC's Highway to Hell, as he thought that fit the fire-shark mood much better. The wheels of the monster truck were spiked, and were also rabid, mutated gorillas.
Suddenly, a giant lazer shot the ground in front of them, grilling the Slim Jims. Iron Will wasn't worried though, he just flexed his muscles, which made the monster truck fly. Then he looked up, and saw that robocops wearing camo were invading. They were attacking in UFO's shaped like baseball bats covered in razor-blades.
Iron Will scoffed, the manly alternative to laughing, and jumped through the roof of his flaming vehicle. He shot lightning out of his body, and it took the form of a falcon. He flew up through the titanium hull of the spaceship. The twisted metal cut half of his face off, revealing that he was actually a Terminator the whole time. The robocops gasped in shock, but released their velociraptor horde, and ordered them to attack Iron Will The Terminator.
Iron Will scoffed again, then he punched all of the velociraptors in the face at the same time. After that he ran to the prison bay, and glared at the doors, causing them to explode, thus releasing all of the prisoners.
Unfortunately, as Iron Will turned around, he discovered that the robocops had teamed up with the predators, and they were all pointing lasers at him. Iron Will knew what he had to do, so he pulled out his cellphone, and called his best friends, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Macho Man Randy Savage. They both teleported into the ship using their muscles.
Then, the three best friends took off their shirts and bounced their pecs so fast that the entire ship shook, causing the robocops and predators to crash into each other and explode into a cloud of root beer mist. The explosion caused the ship's engines to rupture, sending it hurtling towards Ponyville. Iron Will, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Macho Man Randy Savage teleported to the top of the ship, and rode the giant, titanium baseball bat all the way to the ground while they chugged beers and shredded sick solos on bass guitars made of hand grenades.
They landed in a dust cloud of fire, beer, titanium and robocops, jumping off of the baseball bat while doing backflips and having sex with sexy black women. The second they landed on the ground they put on sunglasses and spouted individual one-liners. Then the baseball bat exploded, showering Ponyville with a sick hell storm of red-hot shrapnel.
Twilight Sparkle ran up to Iron Will.
"Iron Will, thank goodness you're here, we need your help!"
"What with, my purple friend/sex buddy?"
"Look! Just off the horizon!"
Iron Will turned and saw a horde of tyrannosauruses with grizzly bear heads flying towards Ponyville.
"Boys," Iron Will said as he turned to Stone Cold and Macho Man,"let's snap into a Slim Jim!"
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What.. what did I just read? WE NEED MORE MANLINESS! NOW!
this is so much win i swear
...shouldn't this be bullness rather than manliness? This story is so full of bull, it should replace the word awesome in the dictionary!
This story is so manly that it made fists grow out of my nipples
I am laughing so hard right now XD
Chuck Norris chin fist of approval.
That is the best chapter name in existence. Take my like.
2manly4mi
3695148
Well he is a minotuar!
This is, by far, the most manly and beautiful thing I have ever read. If this were to become a movie/fan adaptation/dramatic reading, all the girls will swoon, get pregnant and shoot out their babies simultaneously. Sir, you have deserved a like, and even Chuck Norris would be proud of this story's conception.
blogdailyherald.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/3879-animated_gif-chuck_norris-dodgeball-thumbs_up.gif
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this is me.
This is the manliest thing I've ever seen, and I'm Chuck Norris.
I want to have you babies
You have no idea how vigorously I masturbated to this.
This was amazing on so many levels most of which I cannot even fathom.
The manliness of this story is over 9000.
I this gets featured I will give you all 300 Wanderder D bucks.
Isn't Randy Savage dead?
3695745
His manliness transcends death.
This transcends common sense!
TO THE FEATURE BOX!
Holy shit. I just made my avatar pic for next month, and I accidentally stole your stolen cover art of not-stolenness. I will have to promote this on my blog when I change avatards.
Send this... to Mike the Mic... immediately
I have no idea what the fuck I just read, but I love.
I honestly thought for a second this came from MarineMarksman, he's got that manly story vibe goin on. I'm glad I've discovered another awesome author of manliest poni fics of manly mastery
Have my like, good sir.
This reminds me of the story TWILIGHT SPARKLE FIXES EVERYTHING by Between Lines.
bit.ly/1ce5f1x
I have the firmest erection right now.
The AC/DC sold it for me. 9000/10.
So close, so very close. I would add this story to my group, the land of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, but the levels of manliness and awesomeness have yet reached the minimum of worthiness. Highly recommend continuing with the action and hot-blooded power. You're very close, though.
The manliness it's too much to bear!
I-
I-
I CAME!
While it is indeed manly, it is not nearly as manly as it claims to be...yet.
After reading this, I was so moved that I wept manly tears of joy that were so manly that those tears wept their own tears that cured cancer and roundhouse kicked an evil dictator in Asia.
3697400
Good job!
Quickly my friends!
TO THE BADASS CRATER OF BADASSITUDE! WE NEED SOME LOOT, AND PECS, AND EXPLOSIONS!!!
EVERYONE WILL TRY TO KILL YOU BECAUSE WE GAVE THEM ALL GUNS! YOU'RE WELCOME!!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SIGN A LEGAL WAIVER BEFORE YOU COME BECAUSE OF LEGAL REASONS, BUT I AM FUCKING DISORGANIZED AND WAS TOO BUSY SUPLEXING A SHARK WEARING A BOLO TIE TO WRITE ONE UP!
YOU MAY BE WONDERING, WHO WAS WEARING THE BOLO TIE, ME OR THE SHARK. THE ANSWER: YES!
In other words, this story needs some Mr. Torgue.
3697503 There's already a story that has that, called EXPLOSIONS???
Doing what you suggested would be plagarizing; this needs to be original-ish.
I have never wanted to do a dramatic reading of anything so badly, but I can't imagine anyone other than MR. TORGUE being even marginally appropriate.
3697941
Do it if you want, the only reason Torgue wasn't here is because it's been done.
This story is so manly that my balls were inspired to drop off, run into the Everfree Forest, slay a raging cragadile, use its skin to make the manliest vest and chaps you've ever seen, then grill the meat on a bonfire started using their newly-acquired heat vision from reading this voice-droppingly manly piece of fiction.
...I approve.
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This could be your biography
Is this story the manliest thing I've ever read?
i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt218/Axewolf/yes.gif
But... where are the Jack Daniel's river which is infested with gold chrome sharks with fricking lazars on their heads? And what about mustaches? How could you forget the Mustaches?!
By the way, I had to get sixteen different computers because every time I tried to read this, the manliness would make them implode so I couldn't even sell it to the scrap guys.
You bought a tear of joy to my cold, dead eye.
This is glorious and so are you.
This is truly the manliest story ever conceived. Have a favorite and the manliest, most muscular thumbs up.
Though I do have to ask, why was there no reference to the great sport of football? (Hoofball)?
3700568
Because I can't play all my man cards in the first chapter, such an act would be foolish, and therefore not manly.
Reading this makes your dick grow 2 inches because of the manliness.
"Iron Will likes this LSD chemical you discovered, Twilight Sparkle!"
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This is going to go on the TvTropes page for Testosterone Poisoning. It's as if the kid who writes Axe Cop and the guy who writes Badass Of The Week spent a weekend playing video games while throwing story ideas at each other, and at the end of it said, "Heck with it, throw it all in there." You sir, you have earned this mustache!
Faving because bass guitar solos
This epic turns boys into men. And my ex said MLP wasn't manly. What would she say now?