a weird little colt comes to ponyville claiming to be the spirit of destruction. But is he really?
Chapters (3)
overlordpringerx
Joined 13th Dec, 2013 ·
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Uh
Uh
No offence, but your grammar is just a teeeeeny tiny bit off...
3641682 im spanish
3641705 Ah, so English isn't your first language then, that explains it! I never said it was a problem, and I like the idea of the story!
3641709 thanks
So does being Spanish include an allergy to the shift key as a racial feature? How about basic spelling of words like 'sun'? Use of narrative elements that are not dialogue? Ouch, a negative five on all of those? Doesn't that make Spaniard like a... -2 LA race or something? Do you get extra class levels in Author to balance out this deficit?
In all seriousness, maybe you should have waited until you got better (or gave a shit about the quality of what you were writing) before you posted your story online
Edit: Deleted a double post.
3642245 dude its a fucking fanfic. I accept constructive criticism, but if you ever post a comment like that again i'll block you.
3642292
Yes, it's a fanfic. But that is no excuse for poor quality.
3642292
Here's something a little more constructive then. The problem with structuring your story like this is that it feels like the setting is nonexistent. It's like... at least 90% dialogue, and it feels like the characters are all crammed into a phone booth yelling at each other. It also means that your story moves very fast, and you encounter a serious problem with 'talking head syndrome'. It's like a blank white space with animated busts of the characters chatting merrily to each other with no regard to context or scenery. My recommendation is to space out all the talking with more description, so that the setting and atmosphere are more prominent (read: existent). Oh, and proofread your work, so you don't write 'shun' when you mean 'sun' on the second line of your fanfic.
As a fanfic writer, I take offense to the implication that fanfic is a field that is inherently without quality. You should try harder, or expect to face a lot of crit. Blocking is sort of the equivalent of sticking your head in the sand on that one.
3642312
Have all of my cookies. I hate it when authors trot out this excuse for writing badfic.
3642324 look, i wouldnt have freaked out if you were this formal in the first place. And the reason i posted this here instead of fanfiction.net is to test it. im usually way better than this. I just needed to get it out of my head quickly. If you wait and keep checking out my fic you will notice how both the grammar and the flow of the story increase in quality. Deal?
3642373
Sure, why not. Also, in the future, go with Fanfiction.net for testing fics like this. Odds are, they'll lap it up and beg you for more, regardless of quality, whereas people here are generally a little more discerning about what they like. It's a kind of 'pick your poison' deal, really, because fanfiction.net is essentially a hugbox that will most likely stall your growth as an author, while Fimfiction is likely to include more people like me who are pretty jaded and liable to leave mean comments. We're also likely to call you out when you say 'but I'm spanish!', because last I checked titles are capitalised in Spanish, too.
3642394 As long as you dont start offending me I'm cool with you pointing out the problems with the story. It will help me make it better.
Your story definitely has potential, but one thing that could be improved is the pacing. Things just happened really fast during the course of the first chapter. Try having events occur in a more moderate pace, that way you have time to talk about details or include character development.
3647540 thanks. And dont worry, The next chapter is much slower and better. I already started writing it.
Not off to a great start the first line
"The shun was shining, the sky was clear"
Should be
"The Sun was shining, The sky was clear"
I made it up to the end of the second paragraph and gave up. You need a proof reader or an editor, There are many missed capitals, Punctuation and grammar errors.
The story has potential if you are willing to fix the mistakes.
3650977 try to read the second chapter. Its way better.
Better, but you have some issues with telling. Check the link, it's pretty important, then edit the hell out of this to make the description less 'telling'. Oh, and your homophones.
grammarics.com/wp-content/uploads/Oatmeal-Your-vs.-Youre.png
Learn your English homophones, like the difference between 'your' and 'you're', and the differences between 'there' 'they're' and 'their'. Pretty important stuff. Some little things, also. Don't use numbers in text, spell out the name of the number, so '20' becomes 'twenty'. You don't need to capitalise after an ellipse (...), because it's not the start of a new sentence. Oh, and capitalise the first letters of your chapter and story titles, because it looks pretty bad to have it all in lower case. Places like the Everfree Forest are capitalised too, because they have names.
But yeah, better by virtue of having more than just dialogue. Deep Fear really doesn't sound much like a colt though, and the gratuitous capslock of rage is slightly annoying. Use italics to show emphasis, or exclamation marks in combination with 'he shouted' or the like to show volume, because using full caps is really quite ugly. Do ponies believe in a god that Deep Fear would swear on? That's usually a feature of westerners following the Abrahamic god, so... maybe come up with an alternate curse? Oh, and that should be 'nopony', not nobody, because pony dialects. Just some thoughts.
3651720 Wait a minute. I ALWAYS pay attention when writing 'your' and 'you're' or 'they're', 'there' and 'their'. So that can't be a problem here. And the reason Deep Fear doesn't sound like a colt, is because he wants to keep his 'tough guy' appearance. Once you learn his backstory you will know why. And 'nopony' and a different curse? C'mon don't be a nitpicker. I do appreciate the advice and the link though. And don't worry, there will be more activity than just dialog once Deep Fear gets to move again.
3651778
'G-Gentle Care?... Your alive?!'
There's one for you. Also, it's the little things like that which make the difference between a fic that feels like it's about ponies and one that doesn't. Little things that can utterly break immersion. Sad, but I find it to be pretty true. As for Deep Fear, just be careful that his 'tough guy' act doesn't make him a completely unlikable protagonist.
3652006 oops. Well normally i don't do those kind of mistakes. And dont worry about making Deep an unlikeable protagonist. I plan on making him likeable in many ways. Btw do you know anyone who would be willing to do some artwork for the story?
3652231
Ah, 'fraid not. I'm not really too big on the whole deviantart side of things.