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Scootaloo has a very big surprise waiting for her. And what will happen when 6 special ponies are thrust together into a world of darkness and chaos, will they be able to fend for themselves properly? And will they ever get back home?
It's my first story so please, don't dislike just because of a few spelling or grammar mistakes. Comment below and I'll try to fix them. Thank you for your consideration.
Thanks for Lisa and Faye for being great editors.
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If anyone see's any grammar or spelling mistakes, be sure to tell me.
Cheers
Remember to post your thoughts guys. I'd love to know what everyone think of my story. Good or bad.
Please note that this is constructive criticism, not unnecessary hate.
The grammar is atrocious. I care more about it than most other people but it's still important (seriously, whenever I run into a grammatical mistake in anything, I read the sentence again, sigh, close my eyes, and shake my head, it really breaks immersion). The fact that this is your first story has nothing to do with your ability to end questions with question marks or proof read so
doesn't happen. I wrote my own first stories the day before yesterday so I'm pretty much in the same boat as you here. I'm not great at creating a cohesive narrative and I don't quite understand how certain parts of fimfiction work, so my only real advice is: edit.
Thanks for the advice.
What chapter was that line in?
3606781
The prologue, the chapter that the person commented in...
Fixed,
If you guys see any other mistakes be sure to tell me.
All right, this story is okay and I do like it. However you do have several errors here. First, when you say 'I' it needs to be capitalized. However in Applebloom and Applejack's case, you should try matching their accents. Make their 'I's like Ah and their 'My's like Mah. Secondly, writing in all caps is fine, but it would be better to do sentences like that normally and end them with exclamation points. Thirdly, remember the difference between your and you're. Please go over this again, as well as the rest of your story, and make sure all grammatical errors have been corrected.
Thanks hyperblossom7 I always like to hear people are enjoying my story. I'll go over it soon and change some stuff. Thanks for the advice.
Why do you say hospitable?
3631946
I don't understand what you mean
3631946
Ohhhhh,
I'll fix it
I think that i fixed it all. If you see any more please tell me and I'll try to fix them as soon as possible.
how did she end up in the forest can she teleport or something?
fuckin nightcrawler over here.
Read chapter Bad Dreams, it explains it.
Everyone please tell me what you think of my story. The only way i know is if you tell me. Cheers
Well, that story has potential, but I think it's just happening too quickly. You make big things so easy to do. Like eg. When Dash addopted Scoots. It was "just sign this paper and you're off to go". I know that it's universum of technicolor ponies, but I don't think it would be that simple. Situations like that makes the story a lil bit too fast.
I just completely ran out of ideas of how it would happen. I mean, i have no idea how these things work, I'd be happy to accept some pointers.
Why was this added to the Coltcuddler group?
Dont know, I must of added it to the wrong page, sorry.
I wish I could say I expected more from this fic, but reading the poorly constructed description alone left me with low expectations. As has been stated, your grammar, spelling, and punctuation need a lot of work, as well as reading comprehension, pacing, concept, and your writing as a whole. Your writing is extremely basic: this happened, then this happened, then she said this and he said that and blah blah blah. A good story needs some sort of conflict, theme, development, and good prose. I wish I could give you some advice, but I just can't get past your technical shortcomings and just how basic the story is.
Your Rating:
Hey, I hope you appreciated my feedback! I can tell I'll have my hooves full this week, so it'd be really, really awesome if you could support me by joining Weekly Watch! Your rating, and many others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!
okay kid look im gonna be honest here but you really need an editor, bad. I know at least 1 person who is always willing to help. L_wolf look him up he will be able to help ya sort this out. tell him I recommended him to ya. good luck.
I like it so far Ill give you thoughts and maybe toss you some ideas I'm a huge fan of scootaloo adoption hope you dot let me down.
Ok a few things make sure your get all the letters in the word lol, theres a few words missing,and why in equestria would cheerlie let three fillys just leave school? Also really spend time thinking about the relation ship between each character the stuff with rainbow dash was cute, but way to deep for those two at that level there was no build up it was just boom love. Just consider these things at the least and rember I'm not hateing I'm trying to make you as good as you can be /).
Ok this is a big part of the story and very important you jumped the gun man a lot of writers like to have scootaloo confess she an orphan and that would have been a better way to go about it that aside you could have still done it this way but then you made rainbow dash adopt her so fast that should have taken a chapter or so it's not some simple step.
Once again I'm pointing this stuff out beacuse I think it will help you I in all honesty probably worse than you at writeing comeing up with the story characters and all that's easy for me it's the writeing that I suck at any ways I want to make you a good writer.
Not bad but I think should have made them just say that rainbow was adopting scootaloo that way in a chapter or so rainbow could have exsplained it's just like sisters not mother daughter even though I'd want it that way lol also you should have made some ponys like AJ or twilight question rainbow about this choice makeing sure she knew what she was getting into really float around the idea about how big a deal this adoption is.
Oh and sorry if I'm annoying you with all these comments just shoot me a reply to one of these saying chill and I will.
Hmmm that was interesting I didn't exspect cheerilee to run the orphanage interesting but why would scoots say bye isn't she still going to be teaching her?
Oh and how the heck did you get that name lol you have the actule fim name I thought that would be taken by the sights maker or something lol darn you for being so lucky. Oh yea and plz plz plz plz plz I beg you use your pony grammar it's two ponys not people please that pisses me off beyond all belief.
Ok thanks, I'll get onto all those things. Im getting a professional editor in a few days. Thanks for the feedback.
Scootaloo will still see Cheerliee at school, but she won't be staying at the orphanage. Scootaloo was saying goodbye and thank you because she won't be seeing Cheerliee nearly as much as what she was. And why I made Cheerliee run the orphanage, i don't really know. She's just so good with colts and filly's i thought it was only right.
So when will the six special ponies be thrusted into the world of chaos?
Soon, very soon.
I'll update soon, I've just been working on another story.
I have editored the first chapter fully and the prologue partly.
Updated
One of the Cutie Mark Crusades has a big surprise install for them. And how will 6 ponies handle it when there forced away from there family and friends, and have to fend for themselves?
I count at least five errors in your short description. This is what people first see of your story. Grammar is not the most important thing but there is a point below which it looks like you don't care about your story at all.
Read it again.
I've started editing the other chapters now.
Sorry it's taking so long to update. I've been working on another couple of story's. I've already posted another and I'm working on another 2. Sorry again. I'll hopefully start posting more frequently soon.
God Dammit Scootaloo. Why don't you listen.
and scootaloo get her cutie mark in loyalty!
3847532 because she's Scootaloo.
If you guys think of a chapter name, let me know. I'd like to hear your thoughts.
3855243
How about The Inferno?
Yeah, maybe. That's good.
3850270 she could but thats Rainbows cutie mark. And I've never heard of two ponies having identical cutie marks. But maybe, just maybe.
3868133 never said they had to be identical... There is more than one way to represent loyalty