- Member Since 12th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 24th, 2019
Inkwell_the_writer_horse
just a brony who enjoys and partakes in the written word
Inkwell_the_writer_horse
Joined 12th Nov, 2013 ·
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Not at all what I expected honestly, but that's mostly due to the lack of capitalization in the title, but either you got really lucky with words, or you honestly know what you're doing, keep it up.
3604430 I'd prefer to think it's the latter
Interesting lol it, indeed, is not that bad! Favoriting now!
Few errors here and there, but overall pretty good. Upvoted and favorited
Not too sure how to feel about this... seems a little rushed, but it did pique my interest.
Honestly, this sounds like a good concept.
Reading through the story, though, I got up to the masturbating bit and tuned out. I'm interested in this idea honestly, but your description is... lacking to say the least.
You've got the basics. You know how to set a scene, you know dialogue rules, you know first person writing. What you're missing is a whole lot of the fluff (and in a chapter completely about 'fluffing', that's hilariously ironic). There's a lot of things going on right at the start of the chapter that you could talk about.
All we get about the scene or the action going on is the single starting dialogue, which hints at the scene being anal. Ok, that's pretty cool, I like that. Then we go down the immediately-holy-shit-depressing route and forget all about the scene at hand. Sure, it suits the character. Does it inform the reader, or does it just build unnecessary 'feels'? I'd say it's the latter.
You've got what it takes, man, but this story needs a whooooole lot more work. You jump from the studio to the dressing room and don't explain a thing. Even though the character knows about all this stuff, we don't. He thinks his career is mundane, and he's clearly worried about an erectile dysfunction problem. I think the mundanity would shine through in his comments about the studio itself.
Maybe it's still using that tacky 80s set with all the dark red drapes and 'rose petals on the bed' like it's some romantic flick, rather than something that stallions gawk at until they cum all over the TV screen. Maybe he comments on the mare under him overacting, her 'cries of pleasure' taking all the fun out of it for him. Maybe he even looks back at his career, and at all the fun he used to have.
Hell, I think this'd be brilliant for a romance fic. The guy wants out of the business and to just settle down, and needs that romantic spark to put some fun back into the bedroom.
Then there's the masturbation bit... it feels really mechanical, honestly, even though I didn't go through the whole chapter. Wonder what porno he's watching...? I'll check the chapter again and come back with something more thorough.
3718399 Thank you, this comment is exactly what I needed. As much as I've enjoyed writing this, I feel like I've been half-assing, and I haven't been sure why. You've set me straight, and for that I thank you.
Ok, we're through the first chapter. One thing I'll definitely note, pacing. You need to slow down with your writing and take your time, just like your character needs to slow down and take his time when fluffing up.
Writing is an art that takes patience. You can't just rush through the chapter and throw it out to the world when you go through two scenes with such... weak description, honestly. The masturbation scene, all I saw was a ton of grammatical errors, mostly from missing or misplaced commas. Here's what I'd suggest for you.
Lean back in your chair and picture the scene. Think up all the little details. The bed, the two ponies fucking each other, the furniture of the set, the scene going on. The camera crew, what they might be doing, the director, the producer. Just try and see everything from every angle and see what you can describe. Then, go back to your character's eyes and thoughts.
What is he seeing? What's he doing? What's he thinking about? Maybe he tries predicting what the mare's on about? I did like his comment about her thinking she'll go somewhere with him, and him just plain not believing it. He's lost a lot of faith in himself, and now he's worried that everything's gonna fall apart around him. Seriously, a magnficently mature look on the adult film industry, major props for that.
With some proper description and 'fluffing up' of the chapters, I think you could really go places, kid. Honest to God, I have never had this much faith in a story whose chapter wasn't capitalized properly, and its first chapter was loaded with grammatical errors and started off with a mare screaming for someone to ejaculate in her rump.
Props. Now just take those props and speed off to better description.
3718420
No problem, buddy. You've definitely got high hopes from me, and I know this story can go places if it remains as serious about its material as it is. Hell, I'd read this just to learn about the main character, not even caring about the plot or what sex scenes he ends up in.
...Holy shit, there's something that REALLY gets my hopes up. I care about the main character! That is a huge accomplishment to do in such a short amount of time!
Actually, submit it to the guys at WRITE. You've got a really solid idea here, and with some help, I know this'll be one of the greats, even if it doesn't get noticed. Take a favorite from me, I wanna see where this goes.
Well... This has been... Something to say the least... Not so sure about reading the third chapter yet, but it's good so far.
3726278 You gave it a chance, that's all I ever ask for.
Good evening. My name is Plebeian, and I’m here to review your fic on behalf of WRITE.
Let’s just start with the premise, and what I expected going into the piece, just based on your description. You want to tell me a story about a porn star, just as he’s getting washed up. It’s easy to assume impotence is involved, which is likely to bring in feelings of dread and uselessness. What else? Probably a lot of superficiality to get through, all the fun Hollywood falsehood. I suppose I got a bit of that in the first few chapters, but overall, this piece needs a lot more development.
First off, let’s talk about syntax. You’ve got a lot of run-on sentences seeded throughout, like “I'm numb to the orgasms now, sure, they feel pretty good, but that's biology, it means nothing, this job means nothing.” The sentences ramble on, and you seem to be using commas where it’s more prudent just to end the sentence. Also, you have a few spelling mistakes here and there, the most common being ‘psyche.’ I would suggest you grab a proofreader, so that those sort of errors can’t pull your reader away from your fic. Frankly, with a fic with mature themes like this, you have to make sure you’re not giving your reader any extra reasons to just drop it.
Present tense is a fickle mistress. Like second person, it’s an extremely unnatural way to tell a story, and should only be considered if it has some sort of pertinence to your story. I know it can be fun to play with the bounds of storytelling, but frankly, the present tense does not add enough to this story for it to be justified. The most notable effect of present tense in literature is that it infers that the narrator is just as naive as the reader is, that Carl is experiencing everything along with the reader. In order for the present tense to be effective in this case, you would need to play up the fact that Carl has no idea where his life is going. However, if that’s not the sort of thematic you want to go for, I’d suggest just switching the whole story to past tense. It’s easier to conjugate, and it’s easier to read.
So far, I only have a glimpse at the plotline, but you should think about your pacing. There’s no sort of in-between action as-is. What you have right now feels loose and episodic. Remember that your characters cannot just ‘pause’ their thinking while they go places. Usually, transitory periods hold a special sort of introspection to them. For instance, when Carl gets a ride to Creampie’s apartment, he’s in a mental turmoil. He’s losing everything and looking for some sort of affirmation of worth. Frankly, he should be shaking with fear in that cab. Narrating that sort of inner conflict can prove you’re making this fic a level deeper than plain clop. It also makes your story seem more ‘full,’ as in I’m not taking a little tour of this guy’s life. I’m experiencing it with him. So, I’d suggest trying to narrate everything you can, at least within a chapter. It’s all right to have breaks in time between chapters.
Another thing that would really help your readers experience the story is description. Imagine each scene like a moving canvas. Sure, you have the scene visualized in your head, you have it all planned out, but it’s no good unless you are able to show everything to your readers. Take some time and describe the setting. Include details that might be symbolic of the story’s themes, or maybe conflicts your character is experiencing. The more of a scene you describe, the clearer that canvas becomes, and the more your reader is pulled in. Use imagery and senses to depict a scene, not just a few words. Help your reader feel all the important elements of a scene. If the scene has a significance to the character, plot, or thematic development, be sure to use your descriptions to hint at that development. Do not state it outright, just give your readers a nudge in the right direction.
Now, one trouble with having a misanthropic (misequistic?) character is that they are incredibly hard to relate to. At many times, it can feel like the character’s hate extends to the readers, and that makes your readers hate him right back. When readers size up a character, they are immediately looking for something to relate to. Right now, the only thing relatable in Carl is a lack of control. However, a lot of things are serving to keep your reader at bay. The first is that not many folks can relate to the lifestyle of a porn star. The second is that Carl seems to have a cosmic contempt, and is fond of cursing the world around him. I know he’s in a rough patch, but it’s hard to root for a character that looks at the world so callously and cynically. Perhaps add in a will for redemption, or some other universal conflict, because you need to give your readers something to hold on to when this guy goes through his rough patches. Otherwise, the only ones who are going to read this fic are the guys that hate everything as much as he seems to.
While I can assume from what you already have that all the sex and promiscuity has reason in meaning in the end, it would do a lot of good to make that meaning more clear to the reader. While I’m sure a lot of bronies would read your fic for the sexual content alone, it looks like you want your fic to be more than that. I urge you to keep that in mind as you continue writing. With that, I wish you good luck in your future writing endeavors. If you have any further questions, feel free to shoot me a message.
Plebeian, WRITE’s Dark Lord General Floursack
3857131 Thanks, I'll take everything you say into consideration when I get time to do some re-writes of this.
Reviewed by the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group