Prisoner Zero and a lot of C'mon
The TARDIS materialized in the same place as last time and the Doctor came running out, still in his old clothing. He didn't look presentable.
"Twilight! I've figured it out! You and your family need to get out of there."
He went to the lock and took out his Screwdriver. "C'mon you stupid lock."
The Time Lord's eyes looked up and grinned. "I seem to be more annoyed at stuff now, gotta watch out for that."
He managed to make the door unlock. "Twilight! Prisoner Zero is here, I repeat. Prisoner Zero is here!"
The Doctor saw the door that shouldn't be there and tried to open it, he heard a noise behind him and turned to see a pan smash his face, he got knocked out.
At Canterlot Hospital
"C'mon Applebloom, say something." Applejack pleaded. Applebloom was in an accident while she was with her friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. Right now, she was now in the hospital bed in a coma.
The older farmer had tears brimming in her eyes. She was the only one who could visit her little sister right now since she got to get out of school. Applebloom was next to a man who was also in a coma as this was the section of the hospital for comatose patients. The man started muttering something.
"Doctor."
Applejacks head snapped up when she heard the man. "Ah thought these people were in comas."
"Doctor."
Her eyes widened. "Applebloom?"
The little farmer was muttering 'Doctor' over and over again. The whole room joined in eventually with the visitors having confused looks.
Applejack stood up. "I gotta get the doctor."
She ran out the room.
With the Doctor
The Doctor woke up to a very angry Twilight with her arms crossed. "Twilight!"
"What are you doing here?"
The Time Lord raised an eyebrow. "To tell you Prisoner Zero is here."
Twilight scoffed. "That again? Didn't you learn that I don't believe that sort of stuff?"
"What happened a couple of hours ago tells me otherwise, granted I missed the required time by a smidge but what can you do?"
He then tried to stand up only to see he was tied to the radiator. "Twilight, let me out please."
"No, the police will be here shortly."
"But there's a galactic prisoner on the loose."
Her eyes flared. "Enough! You almost had me believing you last time but now your going to get help. God knows you need it."
The Doctor was in thought. "How do I convince her?" He then saw the extra door and smiled a little.
"Tell me Twilight, how many rooms are in this house?"
The purple skinned human raised an eyebrow. "What kinda question is that? Now I know you need help with your sanity."
"Just answer. It's gonna change your life."
Twilight sighed. "Seven-"
"Eight." The Doctor corrected.
"Look Doctor, or whatever your name is. I know my own house and there are seven rooms."
"There's one more, one that you've never noticed because it's in the one place you never want to look. The corner of your eye. Look behind you."
She frowned and her eyes widened a little as she slowly turned behind her to see a door that shouldn't be there.
"T-that's not possible."
"Perception filter. It's all round the door, clever little thing. Sensed it last time yet I should have seen it."
Twilight shook her head, still not believing. "B-but that's a whole room, a WHOLE room."
"The filter stops you from ever noticing it. There is something that came a while ago to hide and it's still here, now please unlock me Twilight!"
"I don't have the key."
The Doctors jaw dropped. "What do you mean you don't have it?"
Twilight started walking towards the door. "Twilight, do not go near that door! Don't even touch it, listen to me! Oh, why do I bother?"
He looked to his side to see a dog in a backpack panting happily. "You enjoying this?"
The dog barked. "Glad to know YOU know who I am."
His eyes widened when he felt around him. "Where's my Screwdriver?"
He shouted at Twilight. "Hey, have you seen my Screwdriver?"
"There's nothing in this room Doctor!"
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Whatever's there stopped you from seeing the room! What makes you think you can see it?"
Twilight saw an object on a table in the center of the room, on top of a black substance. "Is your Screwdriver silver with blue on the end?"
"That's the one!"
"It's here."
The Doctor frowned. "Must have rolled under the door."
Twilight also frowned. "And jumped on top of the table."
His eyes widened. "Get out of there. Now!"
"I said get out of there Twilight!"
Twilight picked up the Screwdriver, grimacing at the gunk. "What the heck are you doing in there, having a tea party?"
A snake-like creature with teeth appeared behind Twilight. "There's nothing here, but...."
"Corner of your eye."
Twilight was looking around, the creature staying behind her. "What is it?"
"Don't look, if it knows you know what it looks like, you will die! I'm warning you, DON'T LOOK!"
She turned and was face to face with the creature and screams.
"GET OUT!"
Twilight goes running out the room and slams the door shut. "Give it here."
She handed him the Screwdriver. "Alright, what has that alien done to you?"
"I-is that door gonna hold it?"
The doctor rolled his eyes. "Oh of course, it's an alien multiform. Everyone knows they're terrified of WOOD!"
Twilight glared at him. "You're the reason this has all started. Fix it!"
The door kicked down to reveal a man and a black dog.
"What?" Twilight gaped.
"It must have changed, explains the bright glow from earlier." The Doctor then explained. "You see, it's one creature. But in this case it's disguised as two. Clever old thing."
He then spoke to the alien. "Had to rush it though didn't you?"
The man barked and Twilight and the dog in the bag stared at him. "Ah yes, got the voices wrong. Where'd you get the pattern though? You'd need a psychic link."
The man opened his mouth to reveal needle-like teeth and the dog barked. The dog which belonged to Twilight cowered in the bag.
"Woah boy. Calm down, we're safe for a fact."
Twilight looked at him. "How?"
"Attention, Prisoner Zero! The human residence is surrounded! Attention Prisoner Zero! The human residence is surrounded!"
"Luck of the Irish as they would say." The Doctor muttered. "And THAT'S how we're safe."
" Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated!"
".....okay safe except from the incineration part."
The Doctor tried to make his Screwdriver work while the alien, now known as Prisoner Zero made his way to another room.
"C'mon WORK you stupid thing!"
" Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated!"
He finally managed to get himself free with the Screwdriver working. "C'mon let's go! Run!"
Twilight nodded and picked up the backpack and slung it on. "C'mon Spike!"
They both dashed out of the house. "Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated!"
Twilight grabbed the Doctors arm. "Doctor, what the heck is going on?"
The Doctor looked at her. "An alien convict is hiding in your spare room disguised as a man and a dog, and some other
aliens are about to incinerate your house. Any questions?"
The human just stared at him. "....yes."
"Me too, c'mon let's go." He tried opening the TARDIS. "Oh, come on! It's still rebuilding, not gonna let us in."
Twilight gestured. "Let's go."
"No wait hold on, the grass here has some grass sprouting."
"Yeah, so?"
The Doctor faced Twilight. "I need to know how long I've been gone."
"It doesn't matter."
"Of course it matters, why won't you tell me how long I've been gone?"
Twilight got up in his face. "Well, why did YOU say five minutes!?"
The Doctor had a look of shock. ".....What?"
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Just go with the War Doctor, since none of the others recognise him as The Doctor (that one incident notwithstanding, but that gets wiped from 1-10's memories.)
Since the War Doctor was after 8 but before 9, I've always thought of him as an 8.5. Or maybe an 8 mk. II. Or you could give him a military rank name, like Soldier or Major.
Also, and this is just me and I'm pretty sure you can't very easily fix this, but the lack of visuals makes the conversations hard to follow without names placed next to what's saying which, especially when new characters enter the scene.
Not to mention that I apparently blinked and we seem to have gone from kid Twilight world to human/EQG world between chapters. Am I right in assuming that?
Well, since he was played by John Hurt, and he was in the war and went through a lot of pain, how about you call him, the Hurt Doctor?
3603675
That sounds fitting
3603558 ..... we've always been in the EQG world, it's in the title not to mention there has been no mention of ponies in this entire story
what do you mean by visuals?
3607158
Oh, okay, my mistake on that then. Must have been a brain fart. My apologies.
What I mean by "visuals" is being able to see who is talking. I know this doesn't work at all with fanfiction, but in a scene where people are talking/arguing and events are happening at the same time, including introducing new "conversationalists", dialogue has the potential to get tangled up pretty quickly if it isn't fully established exactly who is talking. It's too often I see someone have multiple people talking without directly addressing the name(s) of the speaker. Soon the first guy is talking fourth, the third guy is fifth, and it's just a jumble of words. Unfortunately my stupid brain was unable to read the set indications as to who was talking.
Again, sorry.
3607737 ill keep that in mind when i actually introduce characters.
thanks for sharing your concerns
uh oh look like he goof up
War Doctor or The Warrior i would say as when he chose that form #8 asked to become a warrior.
also i would suggest longer chapters, for me 3000 words is best but it isnt ENTIRELY NECESSARY its just going to be annoying for future readers to change chapters every thousand words.
Also while this is ok for the first adventure you should probably vary your story a heck of a lot more from the canon [cause it WILL become boring soon] and add more... Pony, to it.
Lastly the fact that the doctor has been to the EQGverse before does not sit right with me. from an entertainment point of view we are deprived from seeing him get used to the world and from a nerd point of view it is NOT that easy to travel between AU`s! I dont mean to be funny but did you see the age of Steel episode....? if so i think you forgot it.
Sorry, went nerdy on ya.
I think this could turn out good but i cant really say yet as so far we`re just seeing the original episode with extra characters and a yellow skinned #11 but you get a watch and a like for now, we shall see how deep this rabbit hole goes!
Avante!
3619795 sorry dude, no ponies till the next episode which is the equestria girls movie. Dont worry this will be the only time I copy from a doctor who episode directly, this is just something to start the adventure
3620668
With that being said i look forward to future chapters. however, for the record, i diddnt mean more actual ponies but rather to amp up the FEEL of this being a pony world rather than JUST and human world with pastel skintones and funny names. [and i really would suggest making it more dificult for the doctor to GET here but if you insist on leaving it as is... well, I`ll try and turn off my nerd mode and just enjoy your story]
so yeah, i`ll keep an eye out for more
3621145 very well, what would you suggest to amp it up?
3621507
well, i cant off the top of my head remember weather they refered to each other as ponies in EQG but perhaps adding it here would help, maybe make them slightly anthro.
anthro isn't always popular so i could understand if you avoided it but that would help. maybe you could add something into the story that made Twi more pony-like.
what you do is your choice but it just feels a bit redundant to have a my little pony fic with no ponies [to me anyway]
as far as pony-ampage goes i would say that your currently at about 4or5 and i would like to see maybe 7?
3622204 well, no fanfic csn meet anyones expectations so why dont you stick around?
Word content I can do, the others..... well see
dont worry, you post a chapter and i`ll read it. that much wont change
3622581 but eventually ill need you guys to help me with ideas for episodes
Ive always thought an interesting Dr.Whooves fic would be for him to visit the events of the first hearts and hooves day, even moreso in the EQGverse because you have complete freedom of movement.
If you want an idea for a monster... when my mother was working with my uncle in a hotel she used to joke that there must me a monster in the attic that ate time and excreted frustration so that would be fun to see.
Or if you want a villain idea, well, i know alicorn oc`s are DANGEROUS to use in a fic but i had an idea for a stallion/mare named Event Horizon who is to Black Hole what Celestia and Luna are to the sun and the moon, if s/he were used in a similar way to Galactus of the Marvel Comics s/he would perhaps work quite well.
3626934 that could work
3627601
Event Horizon or the Hotel Monster
Oh man I miss Matt Smith so much. This is awesome
you didn't really establish how long it has been
Zero/beginning