The darkness of winter is upon Ponyville. Fluttershy, trying to escape the melancholy of her lone cottage, visits her friend Pinkie Pie. Pinkie is currently busy babysitting Pound and Pumpkin Cake, but does her best to cheer her up. However, she can't help but feel as if there is something dark and sinister stalking the small town. She excuses herself to make a visit to her friend Twilight, who does little to ease her concerns.
When she returns to the Cakes' home, she can't help but feel like there is something terribly, terribly wrong. The air is thick, and the feeling of foreboding unbearable. Little does she know that there is a spiritual storm threatening to consume Ponyville as the last foundations of sanity crumble into the torrential maelstrom.
gawd that cover pic
- I always like a good use of "tessellation". "Susurrations" is good, too.
- Having said that, you might want to dial down the vocabulary in some places. "Cohabitate" is a bit much, and I normally only see "diaphanous" in reference to fabric and/or clothing.
- "Fluttershy fears the cold above all else." I'm gonna go with dragons, actually.
- "something she was not wont to notice" While "wont" is another good word, it's the sort of thing that might lose you some readers, especially the younger ones.
- "The whole had a stone staircase in it that led downward." Oops!
- "voice, deep and shrill at the same time"
- Another place to dial it down: "reticulate".
- "Glancing into the distance, the faint light of the moon was just able to see the silhouette of the dead branches of a great oak tree." I think you might be missing a phrase like "for Fluttershy" or something like that in this sentence.
Not gonna lie, I'm not in the habit of reading fics with the Dark tag, especially not the ones that also have the Gore tag, and I've never been fond of the "psycho Pinkie" set of fanon... but your story was well-written. Not just in terms of technical skills (which are well above average), but also as far as ramping up tension, increasing intrigue, and keeping the reader off-balance. You should probably start promoting this.
3585806
Thanks, I'll get to work on those mistakes you pointed out. I usually have bad luck with editors, so I tend to edit my stories myself.
I'm not really that concerned with how popular my stories get - I write solely for the joy of honest feedback (positive or negative). Even I were to promote, I would have no idea how.
3585882
1) Join groups.
2) Whore yourself out.
3) Repeat.
(Well, that and adding your story to relevant groups...)
First thought : Winter is Coming.
Second thought : Holyshitwhatjusthappened.
I both love and despise this story. AND THE DAMN PICTURE AT THE END WHY DOES THAT EXIST. WHY DID PINKIE PIE EAT FLUTTERSHY' S EYEBALL. WHO WAS PHONE. DERPY. DON'T TRUST ANYONE LEAST OF ALL YOURSELF. Ugh. And the writing is just too perfect for words. Why is this not popular? I'm definitely not sleeping well tonight.
I myself am working on a creepypasta-themed story and I can safely say that this story surpasses it ten thousand times over. Bravo, you wonderful and twisted person!
3597801
Thank you very much. I'm humbled by your comment. I can think of no greater praise than to hear that somebody thought my story was scary or unnerving. I'm glad you liked it.
This...this...this was...this was...
3632231
Insane, crazy, sad, cool, confusing and surprising?
Hmm, it's a bit confusing but I enjoyed it. Also if you're looking to promote yourself check this page out. Definitely a fun read.
3632247 Ee-yup. Basically.
Now this is a good grimdark. It has something to it that not many others I've read do. An actual story rather than mutilation, mutilation and more mutilation.
but that picture at the end SHIT ME THE HELL UP. I wasn't expecting it at all. Over all, a really good story though. Worth the read
3670907
Thanks a lot for the feedback. I was hoping you would like it.
3674524
Thanks! I'm glad you like it!
Just so you know, homely means ugly.
That aside, I'll grade this using my school's grading system adapted to critique a story. This will be graded on plot, pacing, detail, and grammar. Each will get a score from 0 to 4.
0-1.4 Practically doesn't exist.
1.5-2.4 Pretty bad.
2.5-3.0 Mediocre.
3.0-3.4 Well done.
3.5-4.0 Shakespeare would be proud.
Side note: I'll have to spoil some plot points to do this, so to anyone who didn't write this story, go read it before continuing on.
Read it now? Good.
Category 1: Plot. I'm not really the person to grade grimdark stuff, but I know what's cliche in the genre, and this, unfortunately, is. Psychotic cult? Check. People going crazy? Check. Buckets of blood? Check. Cannibalism? Check. Main Character goes insane and/or dies? Check. One thing I can say definitively, though, as that Pinkie Pie's mini arc with the Cakes and Pumpkin seems disconnected, somehow. It's as if two unconnected creepypasta-type events are happening at once; the cult and Pinkie Pie really have no connection to each other whatsoever. Each could easily stand independant from each other in their own story. and forcing them together makes both of them lose depth. 2.0 of 4.
Category 2: Pacing. Done quite well, as it lulls you into a sense of security before bringing out the scares. I personally believe that your hand was shown just a bit too soon, and that the first and second scares needed just a bit more time between them to get maximum effectiveness, but those are some minor issues. 3.5 of 4.
Category 3: Detail. Damn immaculate. If there is a single thing that you didn't go all out on describing, I didn't see it. 4 of 4.
Category 4: Grammar. Dissertation-level word choice abounds, which is certainly a pleasant surprise on this site. Near-perfect grammar; I only caught about four errors. That being said, every time I did, it yanked me out of the story violently, and while this may be somewhat biased, I tend to give a story with one or two grammatical errors that break immersion a worse score in this category than one with quite a few that didn't detract from the narrative. Even so, not bad. 3.3 of 4.
I'll admit it openly; near everything was great here, but the poor plot just brought it crashing down from making Shakespeare proud. 2.96-3.2 of 4, with the first score weighing the plot twice and the second making everything evenly weighed.
3728678 Oh yeah, one other thing. The picture was a nice touch.
3728678
A few things (not disparaging your opinion, just trying to defend myself a little bit)
First:
Second:
I don't really think of a general idea or concept as a cliche, just more specific elements. Is space travel a cliche of science fiction? Are mystical animals a cliche of fantasy? Or are frequently, yet subtly differently, used aspects of their respective genres? I would consider a cliche to be more akin to a character shouting "NOOOOO!" after someone dies.
It's true that I used several plot points that are, for lack of a better term, cliches. However, I was hoping the underlying theme would shine though over these, which, if you figured it out, are probably non existent to begin with.
This story was written as an abstract consideration of fear, commucated through the motif of cold and winter. It's true that this would have been better served, and the unreliable narrator more clearly identified, through the use of first person. However, I find Fluttershy boring to write for, so I have nothing to blame for this lack of clarity other than my own laziness.
Again, I thank you for your input. At the very least, it gave me some things to think about.
I read this story once before, but forgot to leave a comment. This was hands down the best example of grim/dark I have ever seen.
I wanted to personally thank you for sharing this with us. Have a nice day, and please, for the love of Celestia, continue to write.
4401482
Thank you very much. I usually only write grimdark when I get the particular shade of inspiration it requires, so it doesn't happen often. This particular one was inspired by a vivid Lovecraftian dream I had, and I tried my best to mirror the mood of my dream using the prose.
It really means a lot to me that you took the time to let me know how you feel. If people like you keep letting me know how they feel about my stories, good or bad, then I'll keep writing them.
The cover is already telling me this is going to be dark as fuck, but I'm totally going to read it because I love stuff like this.
Wow. That was something.
I usually stay away from gore fics, because, like I said earlier, I believe you don't have to have enough blood to make Evil Dead blush, but the level here was tolerable. It took a while to figure it out, but I got the gist of it. I like the idea of a cult slowly taking over ponyville, and I like how you didn't reveal too much about it. Even though at the end, I was left wondering how or why it chose this moment to pop out and say 'hi,' but then I realised that I didn't care. The reason lies with your writing. It's descriptive enough to draw the reader in, losing them in the world that surrounds them on all sides like an ever present danger that you know is there, but can't quiet figure out when or were it will strike as the world around them slowly tail-spins out of control.
The only thing I didn't like was the Pinkie sub plot, which just felt like filler. I say this because I really wasn't as interested in her like I was with the rest of the town. They had an air of mystery, while the pinkie sub plot was a little predicable. The lack of parents, the kids crying all lead me to the obvious conclusion, but kudos to you for the way you handled it.
When the ending was presented, I was both disappointed at the predictability and shocked by what actually took place. It wasn't the ending I thought would happen, which is why it still came as a surprise to me, and honestly that's the whole point of it.
I hope I've made myself clear here. I was just writing down what came to mind after finishing it. Still, if anything confused you, let me know.
Final Verdict: While the plot is nothing to write home about, the experience of reading it is a literary mode expereince akin to "A Night on Bald Mountain." Minus the calm and plesant endding. A calm beginning that builds up with an oppressive atmosphere to a chilling climax.
5660522
Thank you for the feedback. Unfortunately, you're absolutely correct about the plot.
This was actually only the fourth fiction of any kind I've written since I was twelve, and it shows. I was experimenting with a idea that seemed good at the time, but in hindsight was too vague for anyone to catch on to. I was trying to create a story in which the style and atmosphere drove the reader's emotions, and a vague plot would, I hoped, add to the feeling. I was dead wrong, but I've learned from that mistake, and I've improved since.
The idea was that Ponyville is the sight of a horrible, sleeping evil and acts of great sin would awaken it. That's how the two plot lines tied together. Fluttershy was the only one not affected by it, and I was hoping that this would cause the reader to question her sanity.
In the end, I just didn't spell out everything enough, and the whole thing was style over substance. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
5662816 this story didn't dare me at all
It was that last picture.........the ending traumatized me in more than one way