The Elements trudge through a jungle. Trixie and Alba lead the way, looking for any signs of Chrysalis’ hive. Helios passes around a canteen, which Shaun takes. At the back of the party, Technis hums one of his songs with Rainbow singing along with him. Octavia and Apple Pie keep watch for anything out of the ordinary.
‘You know the first thing I am going to ask when we find Chrysalis?’ Trixie grumbles.
‘If she’ll ally with us?’ Alba replies.
‘For a large glass of water?’ Helios pants.
‘Churros!’ Rainbow requests.
‘Actually, I was going to ask how she got all the way out here from the Crystal Empire without being noticed.’
‘More importantly, how have none of our world-monitoring satellites never picked up this enclave before?’ Alba adds.
‘Another good question would be where the nearest shower is,’ Corona groans. She pokes Alba. ‘Also, couldn’t you have commandeered an airship back in Los Arion? Use your magical pony princess powers?’
‘That would have been an abuse of my station as...’
The trees rustle all around the party. Everypony gets tense and looks for changelings. Technis and Octavia pull their hoods over their heads. Razzly nervously pulls on Trixie’s leg.
‘Not now, Razzly,’ the mare hisses. ‘You can take care of yourself.’
Shaun lifts Razzly to his back. ‘You can hide with me. Oh, and don’t worry about getting scared. I’m due to begin molting soon.’
Razzly snorts angrily as she buries her face in the griffin’s feathers.
‘I’m not detecting anypony with my magic,’ Alba says.
‘Let me try something,’ Apple Pie offers. He taps the ground a bit and senses the vibrations that return. ‘I am picking up five forms in front of me.’
Trixie, Alba, Corona, Helios and Apple Bloom turn around and stare back at the stallion incredulously.
‘I meant besides you.’
Technis swiftly turns towards the bushes and raises an electric shield. Octavia follows her son’s lead and leaps with her blades out.
‘Halt your attack!’
Not knowing where the command came from, Technis catches his mother with his magic. Around the ponies, changelings come out of the jungle. A dozen surround the ponies on the ground, even more in the trees. Each wear crystal ornaments. A tall, queenly changeling with long red hair and a dark blue chitin wearing a small, pink crystal tiara approaches Alba and Helios. Her long fangs glint in the light coming dimly through the canopy.
‘What do you think you are doing out here?’ the changeling demands.
Alba pushes her brother out of the way. ‘We are looking for an alliance, Chrysalis.’
The changeling laughs, revealing more fangs. ‘You think I am Chrysalis?’
‘Aren’t you a queen?’
‘I am Delta, emissary of Chrysalis. We have been expecting you. I was sent to retrieve you and bring you to her. Follow me, and you will not be harmed.’
Delta turns and trots away. Octavia and Technis reluctantly stand down. The changelings continue to surround the ponies as Delta leads them deeper into the jungle.
‘We assume you are tired,’ Delta states. ‘We brought plenty of water for you until we reach our city.’
The changelings get out water pouches and give them to the ponies. Razzly squeaks and shakes her head when a changeling gets close to her. The others take the offered drinks.
‘If you are not a queen, how come you look like one?’ Alba asks, stepping beside Delta.
‘I was born to another hive with the intention of becoming a queen one day,’ she explains. ‘An ursa major attacked my hive, and I was the only survivor when Chrysalis found me. She took me in and raised me to be her heir instead.’
‘That is very nice of her.’
‘Indeed. She is like a sister to me.’
‘I feel the same way about Alba,’ Helios states.
Everypony laughs as Alba growls at her brother.
Trixie joins the royals. ‘If Chrysalis knew of our intentions to see her, why didn’t she send you to meet us sooner?’
‘We do not trust outsiders,’ Delta answers. ‘Nopony outside of our hive knows where we live. We wish to keep it that way. Do not worry. We are almost there.’
Delta quietly leads the ponies a short while longer before they reach a clearing with a small city surrounding a castle. The buildings look organic, like they were grown, but they have many crystal elements built into them. The castle also has entire wings that appear to have been built from crystal. Most of the changelings surrounding the party return to their homes while Delta and a few escorts continue forward.
‘This is not what I expected a changeling hive to look like,’ Alba comments as she follows Delta through the city.
‘What were you expecting?’ Delta asks.
‘I don’t know,’ the princess replies. ‘I just didn’t think everything would be so crystally.’
‘It is almost like being back in the Crystal Empire,’ Shaun adds. He taps Razzly. ‘Come on. Check it out.’
Razzly peeks out from hiding her face. Some passing changelings smile and wave at her. She screams and hides again. Trixie groans at the filly’s behavior.
Delta smiles. ‘I think Chrysalis can best explain why that is.’
The changeling laughs smugly, leaving the ponies to wonder. They reach the castle. Guards in crystal armor get the doors for them. Delta guides the guests to a large reception hall. A changeling queen with long cerulean hair and green chitin wearing a large crystal crown sits on a throne. She grin widely when she sees the approaching group.
‘Welcome to my hive,’ Chrysalis greets, rising. ‘I trust you had a safe journey.’ She pauses and points at Octavia and Technis. ‘You, assassins. Please stop your plotting. You are perfectly safe here. Now. Let me have a look at you.’
Chrysalis circles the party. Octavia, Trixie and Helios watch the queen warily.
‘Queen Chrysa...’ Alba begins.
‘Shh!’ Chrysalis finishes her inspection. She motions Alba and Helios forward. ‘You two. Here.’ She levitates Razzly from Shaun’s back and points to him. ‘You too, prince.’ Once the visitors are lined up, the queen bows. ‘It is my honor to host you. I hope you will enjoy my city during your stay,’ -- she stands and smirks -- ‘which may last a very long time.’
‘What does that mean?’ Helios asks.
‘Probably because our negotiations will take a while,’ Alba replies.
Chrysalis laughs. ‘Hardly! I don’t want anything to do with your petty pony problems. My hive is safe. If war were declared, then your side will mop up those pathetic griffins. Why should I risk my citizens in your mess?’
‘Wow. Ouch,’ Shaun groans.
‘What?! You’re not even going to hear us out!’ Alba shouts.
‘Oh, I will,’ Chrysalis replies, ‘but in my own time. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have business to attend to. We have arranged for accommodations here in the castle. We can continue exchanging barbs at dinner. Toodles.’
Alba growls and takes a step forward, but a changeling darts between her and his queen. Delta looks at Chrysalis, who is reclining on her throne, sighs and shows the ponies away. Alba gives her host one last growl while following Delta. Chrysalis smiles and waves as a tray of fruit is brought to her.
The ponies, minus Razzly, are lead to a dining area. Chrysalis sits at a large table singing a song to herself. Delta rolls her eyes at her queen’s behaviour. The ponies take their seats around the table, and dishes are brought out.
Chrysalis stops her singing and looks at her guests. ‘Let’s eat!’
The dishes are revealed, and everypony starts eating.
‘That was some nice singing,’ Corona comments.
Chrysalis smiles. ‘Thank you. I am quite lovely, aren’t I?’
‘I wouldn’t go that...’
‘I’m a regular pop idol. I should go on tour.’ The queen laughs. ‘I would need a stage name though. What? Something like Empty Sun? Seems like something fitting.’
Technis smiles. ‘Can’t wait to tour with you.’
‘Don’t encourage her,’ his mother snaps.
Alba looks up from her meal. ‘Queen Chrysalis, I...’
‘I’m not going to discuss anything relating to an alliance right now,’ Chrysalis interrupts. ‘We will talk when I am in the mood to jest.’
The princess snorts. ‘That is not what I was going to say. I was just going to thank you for having your hive refrain from trying to eat us since we got here.’
Delta chokes on her food. Chrysalis starts laughing. The ponies look at their host, confused.
‘Why would we want to do that?’ the queen chuckles.
‘Well, you’re changelings,’ Alba replies, shocked. ‘Don’t you do that sort of thing?’
Chrysalis sighs, annoyed. ‘My hive is above draining emotions from ponies as a food source. We have found a way to control that urge. I, myself, haven’t fed on another being since that wonderful invasion of the Crystal Empire.’
‘Wasn’t too wonderful for the crystal ponies...’ Helios grumbles.
‘I know. Queen Naiad went a little overboard, if not insane.’ Chrysalis snorts angrily. ‘No thought to preservation of the food source or of the city. Thankfully, I was able to capture important institutions before she could devastate them: the library, the farmlands,’ -- she smirks -- ‘the mines.’
Alba nods matter-of-factly. ‘Protecting the library is a good way of proving we can reach common ground. When it comes time to negotiate a treaty...’
Everypony groans, interrupting the princess.
Shaun sets down a talonful of food. ‘So wait a second, I thought you needed to drain emotion to survive. How have you gone so long without feeding?’
‘The desire to drain emotion is a psychological one. We can live on many other foods,’ Chrysalis explains.
‘Though some of us still eat other creatures,’ Delta huffs.
Chrysalis rolls her eyes. ‘Yeah, yeah. We all know you’re a vegetarian. How very noble of you.’ She turns back to the griffin. ‘The point is that we don’t need to drain emotion as long as we have our urges suppressed.’
‘And how do you do that?’ Helios asks.
Chrysalis sits back and adjusts her crown. ‘Take a wild guess.’
‘Ooo! I think I know!’ Rainbow calls. ‘Sugar, spice and everything nice, but you accidentally added a secret ingredient: Chemical X! Thus, the Power-Chrys girls were formed! Using your awesome superpower, you fight crime and the forces governing your desire to drain love!’
Everypony stares at the pegasus.
‘You’re an idiot,’ Chrysalis replies.
‘So, what is the real secret?’ Trixie asks. ‘Don’t tell me they are those tacky crystals. Those have been the devices of charlatans for centuries.’
Chrysalis glares at the unicorn. ‘If it weren’t for these crystals making me nice, you would have my fangs in your neck right now.’
‘Magical crystals have been used for all sorts of things,’ Alba points out. ‘Most airships use a magical crystal for their hover and propulsion methods. Though I haven’t heard of one that can alter brain chemistry...’
‘My drones found these during our invasion. We were quite surprised that they dampened our desire to feed on the crystal ponies,’ Chrysalis explains. ‘We gathered a number of miners and crystal farmers and covertly relocated them and enough feed crystals back here to form our hive. After a few years, we had a sustainable crop and none of my hive had any more cravings to feed on emotions. We freed the ponies and lived here peacefully ever since.’
‘That explains the crystal ornaments whenever we encountered one of your changelings elsewhere,’ Shaun states. ‘Here I thought you just had horrible fashion sense.’
‘Can it be both?’ Corona suggests.
‘I don’t see why not.’
Chrysalis growls at her guests. Delta covers a laugh.
‘Okay. So you won’t eat us,’ Alba sighs. ‘Then my next question has to be: how are you hiding here? We have all sorts of satellites that should detect you. Heck, I bet your whole hive is visible from orbit.’
‘My dear princess, we’re changelings,’ Chrysalis replies, recovering her composure. ‘We have been hiding for centuries. You don’t think we know how to keep unseen?’
‘Not to mention there are several spells they could use to hide from all manner of mechanical or magical detection,’ Helios adds.
‘Thank you, prince. I am glad we see eye to eye.’
‘No, I am just pointing out some facts my sister forgot. I’m making her look silly, not you look good.’
‘You’re an ass,’ Alba grumbles.
‘Actually, he’s a pony,’ Rainbow corrects. ‘I thought you knew that.’
Everypony snickers at the joke.
‘You’re an idiot,’ Alba replies, glaring at her big sister.
Everypony calms down and continues eating their meals.
The next morning. Trixie fixes her cape around her neck and adjusts her hat. She heads to the door of her room and stops. She looks back at the bed. Razzly is trying to hide with her head under her pillow.
‘Razzly, you have to come out sooner or later,’ Trixie huffs.
‘I don’t wanna!’
‘It was rude of you to miss dinner last night and breakfast today. Chrysalis will think you are being rude if you don’t come out.’
‘You can’t make me!’
Trixie takes a long, slow breath. ‘For somepony who has come so far with her fear, it is extremely childish of you to be this terrified of changelings.’ She turns away again. ‘Maybe we should have left you in Canterlot.’
‘Shut up!’
‘Well, I’ll be out seeing the city with everypony else. If you get the nerve to act like yourself, feel free to join us.’
Trixie marches out of the room, leaving the filly on her bed. Razzly growls and throws her pillow at the door before levitating it back so she can continue hiding.
Helios trots through the changeling town. Changelings go about their daily business. Most are out shopping or visiting friends. Some head out into the jungle to hunt. Several travel out to the Republic on a trail the ponies did not know about. Helios tries to ignore the attention he is getting from the changelings. As he passes an open-air food stall, he sees Shaun digging in.
‘This is so good,’ Shaun moans, munching a beakful of food. ‘You do not know how good some meat is after spending all that time with the ponies.’
‘Gee. Thanks for the high praise,’ Helios snorts.
‘No offence meant. Griffins just have different tastes than you ponies.’
Helios snorts again and looks at the stall’s fare. ‘You have a lot of… interesting foods. I didn’t see any chickens or other animals around town for food, though.’
The changeling chef grins. ‘I never said this was chicken.’
‘You could be eating an endangered species!’ the pony prince argues. ‘That is irresponsible!’
‘Bah! We know more about the forest than you do. Now, what are you having?’
Helios grimaces. ‘I’m beginning to regret having breakfast more...’
‘Come on. Live a little,’ Shaun encourages.
‘Yeah. Don’t be a wuss,’ the changeling adds.
‘It isn’t all bad,’ another patron says.
Helios looks and his jaw drops. Alba is sitting nearby with a small plate. She picks up a small item and eats it.
‘Alba! What the hell are you doing!’
‘Just having a little lunch. What does it look like?’
‘But you’re… you’re...’
Alba frowns. ‘What? You don’t like seeing your little sister handle this thick and juicy meat? Getting its fluids all over her face.’ She wipes some grease from her cheek and licks her hoof clean. ‘Mmm. Tasty.’
‘Alba, that’s not…’ He shakes his head. ‘That is not what I am talking about… Well, it is, but not like… Ugh!’ He looks at Shaun. ‘Wings down!’
Shaun snaps out of his daze, having been staring at Alba. He forces his wings to his side. ‘Sorry. I was, uh, distracted. We were talking about sports.’
Alba scoffs and rolls her eyes. He looks at her brother. ‘You should be getting to know the changelings better. They are not as strange and off-putting as you seem to think.
Helios growls. ‘I am not upset by changelings. I just don’t think that is a healthy habit you are developing.’
‘You didn’t mind when I ate all that meat with the griffins.’
Shaun chokes on the drink he was sipping.
Helios shakes his head. ‘One, I did not know that. Two, I did not need to know that. Three, I am so telling mom when we get home.’
Alba groans and goes back to her meal. ‘Learn to live a little. Okay?’
Helios moans. He looks at the vendor. ‘If you have any fruits or vegetables, I’ll take those.’
The vendor turns back to work. ‘Coming up… sissy.’
Helios growls at the insult. Shaun and Alba laugh.
Apple Pie wanders around the crystal mines. The miners trade their recently-dug materials with some jewelers before returning to work. The pony watches the transactions for a bit.
‘Have an interest in the crystals?’ a changeling foreman asks.
‘Maybe a bit,’ the pony replies. ‘I was watching the mines more.’ He taps a hoof on the ground. ‘I have a bit of earth manipulating power and can sense your workers below.’
‘Like our operations?’
Apple nods. ‘Quite impressive.’
‘Thank you.’ The changeling smiles. ‘Several years ago, I travelled to the Republic to study rock farming under Cloudy Quartz. While there, I helped her daughters Maud and Limestone rebuild a farm in the Ponyville region. It was tough work, but it was worth it to see the farm come back to life. That really motivated me to give it my all to help both changelings and ponies.’
Apple stares at the changeling before grabbing him in a hug. ‘Thank you. Thank you very much.’
‘Uh… No problem.’
‘Apple! Where are ya!’
Apple Pie backs away and turns towards a passing Apple Bloom.
‘Over here, AB!’ he replies, galloping to her side.
‘Yer sister told me ‘bout a good place t’ go fer lunch. Let’s go.’
‘Right away.’
Apple Bloom looks at the mine. ‘Rocks, eh? Must be yer Pie blood showing itself.’
Apple Pie laughs. ‘Might be.’
The ponies trot off, laughing together.
The changeling foreman thinks. ‘Pie? Wait a moment...’
Technis and Corona follow the sound of laughter towards a field. They see Rainbow floating on a cloud before he arrives.
‘Left back leg green!’ Rainbow calls.
A group of young changelings rush about under the pegasus.
Technis steps forward. ‘Playing a game of Twister?’
Rainbow laughs. ‘Sorta. More like Twister with a twist. See.’
The unicorns look at the changelings. Their various body parts are many different colors. The unicorns laugh.
‘Looks like you are having a bit of fun.’
Rainbow nods. ‘Polka dot tail!’
The changelings do their best to transform in time. The ponies laugh as they watch the game.
In her room, Razzly lays on her bed and stares out the window. Her stomach growls. The filly moans and gets up. She goes to the door and opens it. A pale yellow earth pony with a sky blue mane greets her.
‘Hello.’
‘WAH!’
‘Sorry.’
Razzly collects herself. ‘It is okay. I wasn’t expecting a...’ Her stomach growls again.
The earth pony snickers. ‘I think I know what you want. I’ll be right back.’
The pony leaves Razzly to get some food. The filly breathes a sigh of relief and goes back to her bed.
-------------------------------
Razzly sits on the bed and eats while the other pony sits with her.
‘This is very good,’ the filly comments.
‘I glad you like it.’
‘Thank you for getting this for me. I was worried I might run into a changeling out there.’
‘Who said you didn’t?’
Razzly drops her food mid bite. ‘What?’
The changeling drops her disguise. The filly stares in shock and scoots back, trying not to scream.
‘I can return my disguise if it will make you feels less scared.’
‘I-I-I’m not scared.’
‘If you were more scared, I’d have to wash the sheets. … I might have to do that anyway.’
Razzly covers herself. ‘That’s not true! I’m not scared.’
‘I’m sorry for scaring you. I’ll go.’
‘I’m not scared! I am brave!’
‘You are shaking. It was mean of me to scare a little filly like you.’
‘I am the Clever and Spectacular Razzly! I am not afraid of any changeling!’
The changeling sits back and smirks. ‘Good. I’m glad I’m not scaring you.’
‘Damn right you’re not scaring me.’ Razzly takes her plate back. ‘Not scared...’
‘Sorry for pushing you like I did.’
‘Hmpf. I was never scared to begin with.’ She eats as confidently as she can. ‘... Thanks.’
The two continue their meal together, Razzly trying to open up more with the changeling.
Chrysalis directs her servants as they set up for dinner. Delta trots into the dining hall with Razzly and her new changeling friend. The new changeling bows and leaves Delta and Razzly.
‘Nice to see you made a friend,’ Chrysalis notes.
Razzly turns her nose up. ‘The Clever and Spectacular Razzly is not scared of changelings.’
‘And your legs barely shook when you said that. I’m so proud of you.’
The filly snorts and takes her seat. The group of Alba, Helios, Shaun and Trixie return.
‘Have a good day?’ Chrysalis asks.
‘Very good,’ Trixie replies.
‘You’ll have to tell me all about it.’
‘Well...’ Alba begins.
‘We’re back!’ Rainbow calls, flying into the hall.
Her brothers, Corona, Apple Bloom and Octavia follow her.
‘I have never seen anything as weird as that game,’ Octavia mutters.
Apple Pie laughs. ‘That’s our Rainbow.’
Chrysalis motions to the table. ‘Please. Sit. Alba was just telling us about her day.’
The ponies take their seats.
‘As I was about to say,’ Alba begins again, ‘I noticed that changeling culture was very similar to our own. This sort of common ground is what would make a great backbone of our future treaty.’
Chrysalis groans. ‘Always with your stupid treaty. That is not going to happen. We are not going to involve ourselves in your petty affairs.’
‘But our cultures are so similar. We have a common enemy in Mordred. You can join us and prove that changelings are not the beasts everypony thinks they are.’
‘I appreciate your persistence, but you have to accept the reality of your situation.’
‘But...’
Helios puts a hoof on Alba’s shoulder. ‘Give it up, Alba.’ He gives Chrysalis a sideways glance. ‘She isn’t worth your time.’
Alba frowns and looks at her plate. She silently starts eating. Helios goes to his meal too. Chrysalis glares at the prince and digs in as well.
Helios lays on his bed and reads. He sighs as he tries not to think about his captivity in Chrysalis’ hive. There is a knock at his door. He sets down his book to answer. A changeling stands outside.
‘Yes?’
The changeling bows. ‘There is a guest to see you.’
‘A guest?’ The prince is incredulous. ‘For me?’
‘A pony entered our realm not too long ago. She identified herself as a friend of yours. Chrysalis sent her to you.’
‘Who..?’
‘Helo!’ a sky blue unicorn with a white-golden mane cheers as she bounds into the room.
‘Krile!?’ Helios replies, surprised.
The changeling leaves the room, closing the door on the ponies.
The young mare cuddles her coltfriend. ‘I am so glad I found you. I was scared what they would do to me.’
‘What are you doing here?’
Krile looks away, ashamed. ‘I was worried after you left. I followed you to Los Arion and had to retrace your route from there. I just missed you so much.’
Helios sighs. ‘It is okay. You’re safe. Chrysalis isn’t as evil as she seems.’
‘Good.’ Krile grins, a fang slipping out for a second. ‘Helo, I love you.’
‘I love you too, Krile.’
‘No, Helo...’ The unicorn rubs her body against the stallion under her. ‘I love you.’
Helios jumps slightly. ‘Oh.’
Krile leans down and kisses her coltfriend.
The ponies gather in the dining room for breakfast. Everypony talks about their plans for the day. Alba stares at her plate, grumbling to herself. Helios trots into the hall with a big grin on his face.
‘Good morning everypony,’ the prince greets.
‘You’re in a good mood,’ Corona notes. ‘Stop it before you infect us all.’
‘Of course, I’m in a good mood. It is a great day to be alive.’
Apple Bloom gives Helios a confused look. ‘Why are ya actin’ like AP after we… OH!’
Helios looks around. ‘Hey, have you seen Krile?’
‘Back in Canterlot,’ Alba replies. ‘Why?’
‘Well, she wasn’t in our room when I got up. I thought she was here already.’
‘Why would she be here?’
‘Because she followed us.’
‘Krile isn’t here. I would sense her magic.’
‘But then who..?’
Chrysalis yawns and stretches as she enters the hall. ‘Good morning. So good to see you all,’ -- she brushes against Helios -- ‘and see you again.’
Helios tenses up. ‘What?’
Alba facehoofs. Apple Pie copies his sister. Rainbow starts snickering at her younger brother. Corona shakes her head while Technis covers a laugh. Helios’ face goes pale when he realizes what and who he did.
Chrysalis takes her seat. ‘Princess, while I commend your efforts, last night your brother convinced me to form an alliance with your Republic. It was a long and hard negotiation that took several hours and multiple sessions to complete, but in the end, when we were both drained and exhausted, we came to the same conclusion.’ She starts eating from the plate set in front of her. ‘I’ll give you the details after breakfast. I’m starved. He took a lot out of me’ -- she smirks -- ‘and vice versa.’
‘Please don’t say that in front of my sister,’ Helios whimpers.
Alba takes a long, deep, calming breath. ‘Well, at least we got our treaty.’ She pats her brother on the back. ‘Good job, Helios. I knew you wouldn’t screw up. Though technically...’
The prince whimpers again. Everypony goes back to eating. Shaun gives Helios a talons-up.
‘You know, prince,’ Chrysalis says, eating, ‘if you stick around longer, I wouldn’t mind another negotiation session later.’
Helios faints.
imma reading the chapter and i had to stop
calling it on that first introduction, although im not sure why i did not see this coming, its so freaking obvious.
EDIT: just got to the Author's Note.. good to know Delta really is del.
*cough "Full Moon" cough*
do i need to point out the inherent bigotry in that? bad alba!
dont vegetarians who have eaten no meat for ages get bad indigestion from meat? would alba not have been really offput by that the first time?
i get why he did it, and why it is good for the story, i just have to conclude he is a crap fighter, taking orders from the potential enemy with no real upperhand or ace in the hole.
4371433
First, Technis is inherently gentle. He'll fight and kill to defend his country, but he's also willing to give peace a change first. They were on a peaceful mission and his mother was overreacting a bit.
Second, a) Alba can eat what she wants. She's a princess. b) Physicist, not a biologist. I mean, it is not like she and her cousin are sitting around drinking hard apple cider and eating meat lovers pizzas all the time...
Third, using the name Delta is a slight jab at my editor who doesn't like the name Del and said that she likes Delta better. When I decided to use Del in this story, I knew what her name should be. PS: Undated the Author's Notes on her...
I think Chrysalis really should go into far more indepth detail in the negotiations about the procedure for treaty applications so that motions can be tabled for a reference framework for consideration of further meetings concerning the depth of detail in negotiations about further procedures.
Your fic looked interesting so I marked it to read later. Browsing the first few chapters, though I concede I've little place to talk, I think you need to consider revising this heavily.
Technically, just spacing out new lines and using proper quotation marks in dialogue would help the readability a lot. I prefer past tense in writing, but it's up to personal preference and I'm not sure if it matters either way aside from your stylistic choice as an author.
Creatively, the first chapter alone is very off-putting. The first thing I, and any other new readers, see when they click the first chapter is two paragraphs plotdumping your OC's backstory. It is good that you've got such a detailed backstory for them, but you have to expose it to us more organically. Instead of just saying "This is Apple Pie, he's Pinkie Pie's son named in honor of Applejack", you could just have a little sequence where Apple Pie thinks of his mom Pinkie, or she stops by the farm and he greets her "Hi Mom", and we could presume the rest once it is made known that Applejack has passed on.
Unfortunately this problem persisted through the rest of the early chapters, and it really doesn't draw me in and want to make me read more when the first couple of paragraphs of your story are not really telling me the story, they're a character bio of the OC you're introducing.
When you get to dialogue segments, I find it very dry to read. You mostly list what the characters say, occasionally noting one of them frowns of smiles or makes a gesture. In these early chapter, these conversations would be a great way to work in to work in that backstory better. Like, maybe Apple Pie is struggling on the farm, and he reflects he's never going to be as good as Applejack, and then you give a sentence or two about him thinking about how Apple Bloom feels with him looking like her sister and such. For another example, when Helios is examining Storm Runner, don't just have him cast his spell and say what's wrong. Maybe the spell he's using is like an X-ray, so he casts it and he looks over Storm Runner's skeleton as he talks. It would really help the visualization of what is happening.
The story summary is interesting and drew my attention, but the story content itself did not hold it. I'm not up or down voting this because the plot itself may be good or bad, I didn't read in enough to tell, but it's just really hard to get into this story with the current structure you're using.
4416652
Spacing out lines is all well and good if you use some sort of symbolic line break between scenes. Since I use those for other purposes, I really don't like using the [ hr ] much since that typically signifies divergent topics/pages on a same webpage. It make scenes a really pain to read and the fact that it is considered the 'standard' in the community is what makes other stories nearly unreadable to me. It is a two-way street and in the end, it is down to author preference. I choose to be able to read what I wrote, since I am my primary concern with my reader's concerns second. The fact that others read and like what I share is always a marvel to me.
And before you scream about 'proper' quotation mark use, keep in mind that the WORLD is NOT America. Other places use single quotes, and it is grammatically fine. Hell, it is grammatically fine in the US, only uncommon. Before I even employed doing quotes this method, I did plenty of research that proved it is okay. Any reasonable writer would spend time checking these sorts of thing before making a case out of it.
As for spending 4 out of 26 chapters on character introductions, it does sort of make sense when you get to chapter 4 when they explicitly state that part of the story is going to be finding the other new Elements of Harmony. Taking a moment to get to know the character makes a good case they are (more like, are not) the best choice for the job. I was just trying to get around having to force readers to go to my older story to get the information where it was first conceived. I rather drop the reader in the middle of the Apples doing their weekly routine they have been doing for the past fifteen years (more or less) than shove them in the middle of a random battle where all but Twilight were killed offscreen.
In the end, a lot of complaints come down to author's preference. I have a style that I enjoy that just happens to go against conventions that others prefer. If I wanted to write a carbon copy of what everyone considers to be good standards, I'd give it my all, but in the end quit because it wouldn't be what I enjoy. I started writing to give myself something that I enjoyed doing to get out of depression. It took months to get up the courage to start sharing what I wrote with this community, not promoting it beyond tweeting/tamblring when a new chapter is live, mostly because I wasn't writing for anyone but myself. I am still flabbergasted that this story made it to the featured box three times that I know about, since it is not anything more than standard fare story with an insane author who prefers his absurd personal style over the bland, cookie-cutter that every other author uses. I am never saddened by not attracting new readers. Every story and every style is not for every readers. The nice small group of friendly readers I currently have bring me plenty of joy in the interactions that I fear would be lost if I were part of the larger community of writers with a larger number of actively-commenting readers.
Thank you for your time and opinions but until I am actually getting paid to write, any 'popularizing' changes will look better on the wayside as I continue forward with my personal style. I am finally on my summer break, and I just want to get back to writing (especially finishing this story) after having done little more than compile FAQs for my stories these past two weeks, which were spent focusing on drawing. It is highly appreciated that someone more experienced would take the time to attempt to try one of my stories, but I apologize for wasting your time in the end. I do hope you find other stories that are more to your liking to help erase this one from your mind.
I really do appreciate you taking your time for a honest critique (of a handful of chapters), but I really have too much backed up (namely ~60 chapters in my other story) to stop everything for a rewrite away from my personal preferences and style unless it were made worth my while. Sorry.
4418109 I apologize if you took any offense from my review, I meant none, it was intended as a critiquing review, not a criticism. I would argue that the suggestions I made were not intended to be changes to make your story popular, but to improve readability, though one would presume the former would follow the latter.
However, if you are happy with your writing and do it because you enjoy it, that is absolutely the most important part. I completely agree with writing for yourself if you're just doing it casually, and can certainly sympathize with a lack of exposure, my own ongoing fanfic has received less attention over five months than my oneshots get in a single day. Writing is funny that way, I suppose.
That said, if you prefer writing in this style and prefer doing so regardless of the level of the feedback it nets you, then all the power to you for it, no sarcasm or irony intended. Good luck with the rest of the story and your future works.
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I truly do appreciate the high quality feedback you gave me. It is something I rarely get from a mostly-silent reader base. Everything you said was just, fair and completely understandable.
I really do understand about readability, but this is only the second time in about two years of posting publicly that I have received that critique. I understand where readers (and guides) are coming from when they ask for the spacing and American-style quotation marks, but I really feel that sort of formatting should be left to the author to decide what feels best for them and their style. Readability and popularity are always the farthest thing from my mind when it comes to posting any new content, be it a story, chapter or blog. I know those are important to others, but I am happy to have my own little corner where nobody bothers me about every little detail I post (except for Tibbles), which I have seen on other stories and it makes me feel bad for the author who just want to tell their story.
I am really sorry for coming off pissy. I didn't get much sleep then had to go straight to a final where I had to hold back arguing with the professor that I rather write cartoony stories than improve drawing cartoony characters. That on top of my snippy, sarcastic personality does not a good replier make 90% of the time.
I am glad we can agree that telling our stories can be more important than how we tell our stories. And I wouldn't worry about your ongoing story. I've always found that keeping to regular updates, or at least explaining why you cannot update at the current time, keeps the true readers around, even if the fly-by-night ones flit away from time to time.
Also, many thanks for leaving the comment and getting me fired up by writing these replies. It is exactly what I needed after being away from writing for so long. Something to get the writing part of the brain going, right? Hopefully, it will translate to more than just finishing the parts of my FAQs I started earlier.
Now that I am really thinking about it, the way I introduce the Elements, may not be the best (not excusing that this was the second story I started writing after half a decade off and writing crap at best back then), but it works in setting up the characters flaws, especially when we get to Lyra's part in the Changeling Arc. You can ask yourself: Why does Apple Pie avoid his family? Why does he want to just be on the farm with Apple Bloom? Why does Helios act without thinking, even when he is trying to do something nice for another? Alba might be the friendliest pony, but how many friends does she have? Not to mention Rainbow sulking like a sad puppy after Raindrops scolding her. I may have been practicing bad writing when I wrote those scenes two years ago, but I wouldn't change them too much because they start to say volumes in retrospect.
just a question, what is happening with the other nations.
i know alternate universes and all, but there were 5 non pony nations involved in the TWP league of harmony. those were just the major ones too. Add the fact the end is not too far away, based on your blogs, there is gonna have to be some major event that convinces the other nations that the elements of harmony are not in fact super-weapons.
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And that is the last three chapters of the story! There are going to be more countries mentioned (sorta) than were in TWP too.