Chapter 17: Of Nightshade and The End
The next following day had arrived much faster than Corvo thought it would. As the head of a yellow light looked over far horizons, a dim brightness spread slowly about the land; however, the sun seemed to dwindle, for Luna, Cadence, and Twilight had to work together to raise it.
There was still much grieving for the ponies—especially Twilight, who had truly believed her mentor to be gone. Yet she sorrowfully accomplished her duties, as a darkness hung over everypony's hearts.
Ever since the tragic revelation, Corvo remained in Luna's room; he even slept there the night. All the while every single pony who could were trying to uncover the mystery behind Celestia's supposed death, toiling at each possible hour. But Luna had already planned the outcome: her sister would return to them at twelve o'clock when the sun be amidmost in the sky; and like Celestia predicted, Corvo would attempt to attack round that given time.
That is why, when Luna had asked to speak with Corvo in his room two minutes before the specified time, she was cold-still and nervous. She knew it would be best to come to the assassin's room, for that would be his most comforting location.
"So, Luna, I figure that the raising of the sun has been incredibly harsh on all of you as of lately," said Corvo, with his hands draped deep in his pockets.
"Yes, it has been. Twilight, Cadence, and I are the ones who suffer the most, I would think," said Luna, "all because of this one accident."
"Accident?" Corvo took a step forth. "Verily, we are all sure that this was a murder, done with intention."
"Sorry. That is what I meant to say. Anyhow, none of this information will really help us to the point of quickly bringing the case to a close, will it?"
"No, I would not think so," said Corvo slowly. "Yet we can be sure of many things. For one, the very implication that the murderer is from my world can have connections to Equestria. Let us presume the latter for a moment. Equestria bears many magical things to it, though to control such as that would require a great deal of knowledge concerning it all. That is why I believe the killer may still be in Equestria—because the culprit should still be plotting against you."
You're essentially describing yourself, Corvo, thought Luna. "I knew most of that, I think. But like I have said, it will not help us; for it does not need to."
"Oh? Well, maybe we will find more information then, if that is what you wish."
"It is what I wish; however, whomever may be responsible—actually, I already know who is the one." She arrayed her thoughts and concentrated on the shadows about. There was one minute left before twelve o'clock.
"I would like to add something that has been such a bother ever since I have arrived," sighed Corvo: "that my very own room, pale and small, bears no arching window like what I have seen within this place. I can feel lonely and isolated at times while being here, thinking to myself."
"That's too bad, I guess. But I do not think it will matter soon," said Luna, illuminating her horn. "It is a little dark here, don't you think?"
"I do not think it is too dark, though I will leave that decision to you." The two let a dead silence hang awkwardly in the air for several seconds; and Corvo finally said: "It was always my deliberate action to help you all, and clear my name at the same time. I am just hoping for a wanting like that to truly be accomplished."
"Well, everything shall come to truth," said Luna, smirking and raising an eyebrow. "Do you think time will pass by more slowly, with my sister not here anymore to offer you a mental challenge?"
Corvo turned his back to Luna and shrugged. "Not by a lot. Well, I cannot even be too certain for that matter, actually." He again shifted and looked thoughtfully at her. "You said you know who the 'one' is. Would you care to tell me the meaning behind such a statement?"
There are only a few seconds left. "Yes, of course," she said. "It is you. Both Celestia and I were one-hundred-percent sure before; and I am one-hundred-percent sure still. It has always been you."
The time came. From far off a dim sound, as if blocked by curtains, echoed through and over the castle: the clamor of a great clock.
"It is mid-noon," said Luna again.
Corvo hummed in frustration and straightened his brow. "Yesterday you said you were certain that it was not me. And even so, would you keep blaming me if it did nothing for Celestia?" He slowly wandered to her, boring a gleam in his eyes. "Everything you and your sister have done to prove I am evil towards Equestria has been vain. I suppose you only want to believe I am behind the tree and stones, for you have no one else to work off of."
"It is not our deductions that have been wrong. We can say that Corvo has gone against Equestria and its ponies, and we would be right!"
"I do not think that to be rational thinking. But more importantly, why do you ponies always want to meet in private?"
"Because Celestia remains alive! She has not been slain!" cried Luna suddenly, inwardly lowering her eyebrows.
Corvo's face softened; and he ceased his tedious gait and sighed long but quietly. "What are you going on about?" he asked.
Many more minutes went by, yet there they remained: Luna holding a strict expression, and Corvo looking gloomily to her. After a time, however, Luna began to feel worried—almost frightened as well. Sweat ran down her temple as her eyes shook.
"What are we even doing now?" said Corvo, inhaling quietly.
"But... that cannot be," muttered Luna. "Corvo, what is the time? Tell me!"
"By the last position of the sun I observed, all to now and past our brief talk, I would say it to be twelve o'three. Why such an odd question at this moment?"
"Where is Celestia!" shot back Luna. "What have you done with her!"
Corvo took a fast step back, his eyes twitching nervously. "What? What have I done with your sister? Luna, explain what you are asking."
Luna remained bearing a burning glare and a tightened face. Immediately she cursed beneath her breath and ran out the door, and flew by many hallways.
"Princess Luna!" Corvo called back. He ran for Luna, but was far too slow, and lagged behind. He ceased his sprint by a nearby window, which looked out into a green field, where lay Celestia's burial. He kept on watching; and then came Luna, nearly flying off the ground, with a black shadow over her. She stopped in front of the secondary black coffin, upon the white, marble platform, and lay eerily still for half a minute.
"No, no, no, no, no," whispered Luna to herself, her voice becoming quieter as she went on. "Tia, please, please show yourself. No, he did not get to you. Your prediction was never wrong. Please, no, no..." She began to sob—uncontrollably—and rather loudly. "No, no. Please! You still can't be in here!" Letting out a rough groan, Luna rose her shaking head; and activating her horn she completed a quick scan.
The world froze. The sun practically disappeared for the night princess as she lay there, her face stone-still, with rays of water pouring down from her eyes. She had painfully confirmed that her sister indeed remained underground.
Up to where Corvo was, he watched from afar, bearing a grim grin and quietly laughing to himself. You must feel so horrible, dear Princess Luna, he thought. You think I would not be aware of Celestia's foresight upon the poison? Of course I considered it. With her mind being weary at that time, she could not think straight. The poison was never in the tea, and yet she still died; for the essence was always onto the lip of the cup, where one would put their mouths on to drink.
He backed away slowly, as for Luna not to see him. Corvo vanished into a corner's shadow, and sat there, thinking: Celestia was so careless that she never even considered her own death; or maybe she did, and I do not know yet. Nonetheless, I have won. Celestia finally lost a game of chess; and with her out of my path, Princess Luna is the next to die. Yes, she will die today, and my goal shall be complete. Unexplained Opium. I suppose Twilight really has been a helper all along.
* * *
"Twilight!" cried Luna, running all over and round the Crystal Castle. The moment she had figured Celestia's true death, she immediately headed for the Crystal Empire, where Twilight resided for the moment. She could not think straight; for her mind was clouded with grief, and she hardly knew what to do.
After five minutes of the devastating search, Luna found Twilight, sitting quietly upon a floor and reading a book, bearing shaded curves under her eyes. Twilight had stayed up all day and night, continuously worrying for how Equestria would do without Celestia.
"Hello there, Luna," she said, slowly rising and bowing. "I didn't think you to be here so soon."
Luna swallowed hard and stared to Twilight and her book, and noticed how her coat seemingly darkened. The sun beyond the window was dim, blurred on its rims; Equestria as a whole had darkened.
"I've been trying to figure things out," said Twilight again, her voice very weak. "I can't get any sleep, Princess Luna. All I do is study detective work, to avenge Princess Celestia, if you get me. I apologize for looking so weary."
"Twilight, you must know this!" said Luna, nearly crying yet a second time. "Princess Celestia was never supposed to die. This was all a plan of hers."
"A plan of hers?" Twilight's frown straightened as she drew closer to Luna. "What do you mean by that?"
"She was never supposed to die, is what I am saying. Princess Celestia had a plan set up to catch the culprit behind all of this—the same one who ended her life—yet she failed. I need your help to bring him to justice!" she ended with a cry.
"Whoa, whoa! Slow down!" said Twilight quickly. "Who's 'him' supposed to be?"
"Corvo!"
Twilight became aghast and terrified. Her mouth tediously opened as her pupils shrunk. Her body had become cold and scared; and she could not make out her thoughts from before. "W-what?" she said, closing her mouth and moaning in despair. "Corvo is the one who's evil here? He placed the tree, those stones, and brought Equestria to chaos? He murdered Princess Celestia?"
Luna looked to Twilight with cold and misty eyes; and nodding slowly she said: "Yes. That is it. Princess Celestia was always sure of it from the beginning. The reason she did not tell you was to keep you safe. Yet she has failed, and Corvo must now be stopped."
Twilight's breathing increased. She closed her teeth on each other and fell to her rump, trying to blink away the sting in her eyes. "He was our friend! Corvo was our friend! How could he have done this? He... he... he used us," she ended in a low pitch.
"Please do not feel so saddened now," said Luna, bringing her up with a hoof. "Wipe the tears for the moment, and"— she inhaled —"and help me stop Corvo. He plans to kill me, too—as Celestia once said—so there is not much time to spare."
Twilight's eyes widened once again. "He's trying to murder you, too, Luna?" she asked in shock, looking down. "W-why? Oh, why is this happening to us? If Corvo is trying to kill you, then we need to get as far away from him as possible."
"No!" said Luna, nearly aloud. "I will not back down like a coward. I supposed that is what he wants; but of course not!" She began to pace here and there, groaning beneath her breath. "This must be a secret between us, Twilight. Do not tell anypony about this. Promise me! It is what Celestia would do. Promise me!"
"I—err, I promise!" said Twilight, stepping back. "But, Luna, how can we do this? We still need to think this through and come up with a rational plan; unless Corvo is already on his way here."
The two alicorns became aghast, laying upon that thought. "We have hardly any time left, anyway," said Luna quietly. Please, Tia, help me! What would you do in a situation like this?
"I still can't believe Corvo would do this," said Twilight. "After all we have been through. After all the times he acted as a friend to us, even when I considered him a friend, he has betrayed us. We'll have to arrest him, if it's the last thing to do!"
"Twilight!" said Luna suddenly. "Twilight, you stay here, and I shall head for Canterlot castle."
"What! Princess, that's crazy! What happens if Corvo comes here while you're away; or what will happen if he attacks you and I'm not there?"
"Do not worry, Twilight, for I can handle myself. You see, with two powerful alicorns, and many helpers at our disposal, we will corner Corvo, so he will not be able to run. If he tries to escape, we will track him down; and whichever way he goes, we will be there." Luna headed for the door. "Stay in the main throne room, and keep watch all about you! Once I arrive in Canterlot, it is only a matter of over-powering him."
"But, Luna, we can't arrest him without proper evidence. There's just no way Equestrian Law would support that."
Luna looked to the ground, then at the door and arrayed her thoughts. Twilight was right: they could never incarcerate him upon only gut-feeling and guessed anecdotal proof. Her mind turned cold as a grey shadow went over her face.
"Well, there is something," said Twilight again, sounding very ashamed.
"There... is?" said Luna, turning to her. "What is it?"
"Corvo has access to the Canterlot Royal Library and the Archives. Since he was not supposed to, we can use that against him and put him away."
"How does he have access! Celestia specifically forbade him that for these very reasons: that he may use special information to beat us. How does he have access?"
"I—I—I, well, I," stammered Twilight, nearly crying again, "I gave him the access."
Luna immediately glared at Twilight and breathed sharply. "You gave him access?" she asked. "What... what possessed you to do such a thing!"
"He talked me into it!" Twilight's eyebrows inwardly lowered as she shot a defeated stare at Luna. "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to; but he said he really trusted me and that only I could help him save Equestria; and that he really needed the exclusive information to check other cities for the stones." Her voice broke as she began to cry again. "I never knew he would use it to turn bad. I'm so sorry, Luna. I'm so sorry!" She bowed her head as tear drops fell onto the carpet below.
Yet Luna's gaze softened. She thought for half a minute, and said: "It is alright, Twilight. Please, we cannot afford to have you so grieved. In fact, this can be used to our advantage. Now we should be capable of capturing Corvo and bringing him to justice. There is no way he'll expect this."
"You really think so?" said Twilight, wiping her eyes. "Well, okay then! We'll stop Corvo and avenge Princess Celestia—together!"
The two threw a determined expression of adamant confidence; and as Twilight remained there, Luna flew as fast as she could back to Canterlot. In the castle, Corvo awaited, feeling not a second of remorse nor sympathy.
* * *
Corvo wandered down the long hallway, with his head bowed as a red gleam remained in his eyes. His steps were slow and methodical; and he remained shadowed as his black hair hung over his cold eyes.
I have won, he thought. Well, technically not yet, though I am certain. He made his way up an empty staircase, and began to walk down yet another hallway. Since I have made sure that Twilight knows of my illegal access, there is no doubt that she will tell her friend; for Luna must be so saddened for learning of her sister's death. It is obvious that she went to the Crystal Empire to inform Twilight to help her, for there would be no one left to turn to. But since she could not arrest me without proper reason, that is why I got Twilight to lend me that improper knowledge: so she would tell Princess Luna, and she would think that that would be enough to stop me.
He passed by the main doors of the Archives and the Royal Library, arraying his thoughts each time he did. Luna would most likely try to think like her genius sister; therefore, I suspect that she would try to come here alone and leave Twilight out of harm's way. Very basic, and such a stupid decision. In a way, Twilight, you were just as responsible for Princess Celestia's and Princess Luna's slayings as I were, so I hope you think on that.
When he passed by a wide window, from afar, he descried a small blur, rapidly approaching him. He was certain it was Luna, for he even saw the distant glare. He knew she was looking to him, so he had to act quickly.
Corvo ran downstairs for the underground parts of the castle, thinking: Luna draws nigh to me. Well, she must think that she has won. What a waste in the illusion of confidence. Now that I made sure to have Twilight give me the access just so Luna would arrive at this very time, I need to act carefully. This next and final step should leave one of us very forlorn, and I do hope that it is not me.
* * *
"Corvo!" clamored Luna as she broke down the main double door of the foyer. She quickened her pace about, scanning her sight all round her. "Show yourself! You have lost, Corvo; and I shall bring you to your defeat. Come out now!"
"Princess Luna, I am here!" he said. Luna turned to see Corvo in the very distance, at the end of a small hallway, beckoning to her. "I think I have figured out a way to end all of this. Please come!"
Luna's nostrils flared as she charged to him, igniting her horn. "Come here, Corvo!" she cried.
The assassin quickly vanished to his right. When Luna had arrived there she saw a long stairway leading down, and a stretched shadow disappearing. "Do not hide from me!" Luna flew down and into yet another hallway, very claustrophobic and underground.
"Come, Luna. Quick!" echoed Corvo's voice from afar.
"I will stop you," said Luna to herself. "My sister's death was not in vain. I will stop you no matter what." She ran down to where his voice was, and into a small room.
She could not see a thing; for it was so dark one could not tell if their eyes were closed. Activating an illumination spell Luna noticed her location: a small dungeon, kept hidden within the castle. The metal door she had run by closed on her; and the alicorn quickly turned, scanning all about the stone walls.
"I know you killed Celestia!" said Luna. "You know it as well! Princess Twilight is even aware of it!" She noticed how a small window of thick glass was to her left, leading out into darkness.
Many minutes went by as Luna kept waiting in a battle stance, usually turning here or there. Even when her breathing became ragged she did not move, for she knew Corvo could not hurt her. But after many more minutes of waiting, the assassin did not show.
There is no point to being here any longer, she thought, taking in a loud breath and sweating. I suppose I should leave, by blasting down this entrance if needed. Corvo probably thought that locking me within such a place would contain me. Such a pitiful attempt. When she looked to the metal door, her throat roughly tightened as a burning sensation grabbed her lungs.
"Gah!" she let out a strangled gasp, falling to the floor with bloodshot eyes. Her breathing increased, yet she could not feel the air.
"I know what you are thinking, Luna," said Corvo. "It was never about keeping you here forever, but to see how long you would remain, awaiting for me."
Luna adjusted her shaking head, glaring out the window with clenched teeth. There was Corvo's figure, looking down to her with a stone-still face, frowning, and the burning crimson light in his stare.
Luna's horn buzzed in and out of light, unable to concentrate on her magic. Her eyes remained widened as she continued to look, unable to do a single thing but vainly gasp for breath.
"Farewell, Princess Luna," said Corvo for the last time to her; and he left and was gone. Luna's mind fell into a void as her horn died; and there she remained, slain in a black dungeon.
* * *
Now I have finally won! cried Corvo's thought. Celestia and Luna are dead, by my hands. Yes! From the very moment I arrived they were defeated. It was always a matter of time and patience.
Corvo walked down the Everfree Forest, amid many trees, arching over him as he wandered by the path. Some parts of the ground were wide open, and some short and leant, as the forest was always known for. He was almost there, at the point where he first started. That is what he and The Outsider promised: for him to be transported back amidmost the dark trees and withered leaves.
Luna was so adamant to catch me that she never even noticed her own demise. It was so inconvenient for that pony that I was able to modify such a room in advance. By using my fire manipulation I cut off all of the current and receiving air. And since Luna stayed there for so long, the more she breathed; and afterwards, she ran out of oxygen, and died. Most ponies would never even suspect the prospect of suffocating in such a place; but my calculations were always the most threatening. A two-thousand-four-hundred cubic feet room would deplete three-hundred times with the six percent an average person breathes, and I connected that to how the air was already so thin in that dungeon, for the place was underground and unused for such a lengthy time. And all of this was planned ahead of notion, under all sights.
"So, I guess this is where this fine journey ends," said a familiar voice. Corvo turned to see the very Outsider, walking side-by-side with him. "It sure was fun while it lasted."
"Yes, quite," said Corvo. "Even though I had my breakdowns, and I managed to be good friends with most of the ponies, it was all in my favor all along. Thank you, Outsider; not only for informing me of this war to stop, but because you gave me a decent mental challenge."
"Yes, I suppose," said The Outsider smiling. "I am not sure about you, Corvo, but I have had a lovely time. Friendship and trust; chess games and battles amid nightshade. I was never once bored, by the way. When we arrive back in Dunwall, I just hope to have yet another thing to look forward to."
"You will, Outsider," assured Corvo. "You shall witness my rule over all places. Equestria can forever be left alone in a void; though I figuratively predict that."
"Oh? Why is that?"
"Remember when I obtained access to those two forbidden rooms, filled with ancient books and magical scrolls? There was another reason for that: to burn down everything there. All of it."
The Outsider looked cryptically at Corvo, creasing his brow. "Why did you go and do that?"
"Because, Outsider, I destroyed all records that could bear any effect upon advancing powers. With those annihilated, they will never be able to create multi-dimensional magic, or at least not for many more millennia."
"But because you have done that, Equestria shall plunder in absolute darkness. There will be nothing to help them, nor to defend themselves properly. This land is essentially over; and with the only alicorns remaining being mortal—well, you see where I am going with this."
Yet Corvo's eyes were ashen and lifeless, concentrated on the path ahead; and he said: "Remember what I once told you, Outsider: I do not care for these ponies, nor their land, nor will I ever."
"Oh, fine!" huffed The Outsider, rolling his eyes. "I suppose I shall have to make do back in your world. Oh, well."
But suddenly a great flash of light appeared before them, causing Corvo to shield his vision and The Outsider to stare with intrigue. When the light vanished, there were two standing before them: Twilight and Discord.
"Oh, hello there," said The Outsider. Yet Discord bore a serious demeanor; and by his side Twilight, who appeared to be very wroth.
"Save me the gestures," said Discord. "I know of your doings, Outsider, and your little companion here. I now know what your true intentions were. Just be aware that you will not be leaving here without a fight."
"Friend of yours?" whispered Corvo to The Outsider.
The Outsider shook his head in disappointment and said: "No, not at all. This here is Discord."
So this is the Discord I was so worried about. He then shifted his sight to Twilight, who glared at him with a fire upon her.
"I know what you've done!" she cried. "I was never sure to stay in the Crystal Empire, so I returned. And then I... I found... Luna." Her lips quivered as she charged her horn, the ground beneath her hooves sinking ever so slowly.
"I need not pay any mind to you," said Corvo.
"Oh, but I think you will," said Discord sternly. "After your buddy made me leave, I began to think: who was coming, and why? I sure am glad to have returned now."
"Now this should be interesting," said The Outsider. But he then sighed and added: "However, I think this is not worth my time, despite me having an infinite amount of it. Corvo, please use your Mark to escape. It is what you do best, after all."
"As long as I draw breath, you will never leave!" cried Twilight, blasting the strongest spell she had at Corvo. Discord frowned and snapped his claws, summoning many timberwolves round them.
Yet Corvo lit his Mark; and he bent time and everything stopped. In front of him was a long glowing beam of purple and white magic, inches away from his dark coat. About him many timberwolves, stuck in jumping positions, lay helpless and frozen.
"And so ends Equestria," said The Outsider at last.
Corvo walked by them, keeping his head bowed. When he reached the way-point his body vanished into black smoke, never to be seen again.
Time resumed; and when Twilight and Discord looked ahead of them with saddened eyes, all that remained was a deep crater in the dead grass, and piles of ash wood all round it.
"N-no," said Twilight, falling to her hooves and crying. "Discord, please tell me you can track Corvo back to his world. Just... please."
Discord's ears were drooped, as he hunched his back low with pale eyes. "I'm sorry," he said, thinking back to Princess Celestia. At least, to him, Fluttershy was okay.
* * *
And there Corvo was yet again, just like the beginning: upon the very top of the tower, where its rusted and cracked pieces of metal and stone yet remained. A chill wind, too, blew from the west, as many grey clouds went in that direction. It was day time, yet the sun was dim and distant, casting little light about everything else.
Corvo stood on the very edge of the aged roof, with The Outsider levitating next to him.
"It has been just over two hours since you returned from Equestria," said The Outsider, "and you have not talked about it thus far."
Upon hearing those words Corvo grinned, chuckling softly to himself.
"Well, whatever you may be thinking, at least it is not over-complicated as the last. Err, Corvo?"
The assassin's voice grew louder, and more frightening. His pitch was deep, and he soon lowered his shoulders and started laughing aloud.
The Outsider was taken aback. "Corvo?"
And then Corvo's loud chuckle blew into complete laughter. His cold voice was incredible eerie; and he remained psychotically laughing like a madman for a lasting minute. When the sonorous sound ceased he drew a deep breath, and said: "Everything is out of my way, so I can now stray this pathetic world into the right path. It is only a matter of time before I rise in absolute power, and all who will oppose me must die. Ha! Not even Princess Celestia and Princess Luna could have beaten me. Ha! Nothing shall ever defy me again! Not a thing!"
This cynical man has completely lost it, thought The Outsider. "I sure hope nothing will."
But Corvo's face darkened; and he grew stone-still and sinister. Looking out beyond the ocean, he asked frowning: "Outsider, do you know what I am of this world?"
The Outsider crossed his arms and hummed in thought, eyeing the scenery with half-lid eyes. "Corvo, through such dangers you have proven to be a great person. Such a brilliant mind you possess, though undeniably insane you remain. I cannot wait to see what comes next. Oh, do not mind by rambling. What are you?—of this world, is what I mean."
With a grey shadow over his eyes, Corvo said in a whispering voice: "I am its lord."
~ ~ ~
THE END
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Woohoo CORVO FTW
Corvois still awesome in my book WOOT WOOT
ANNNDDDD YES !
Corvo outwited them masterfully and that was AWESOME !!!
Thank you for this, that story was truly a pleasure for me to read
That was officially one of the best stories i have ever read. ( even though I'm quite upset over the death of Princess Luna, Favorite Pony and all) Though at times it seemed like the dialogue was a wee bit awkward. The fact of the matter is... well... this was a quite ingenious back and forth that had you sitting on the edge of your seat, especially so during the last few chapters. In the end i wasn't sure who I wanted to win. So thank you good sir, for writing an incredible story.
5779856
With pleasure. I'm glad you liked it.
This is truly a masterpiece of writing, towards the end I didn't know who would win, I don't mind the death of the ponies, if anything it made it better, but I do dislike the fact that there is no sequel, I know there is not much you can do
sequel-wise, but it would be a good story none the less, I thank you for writing this magnificent work of art, may Corvo forever be in our hearts.
~The Fallen Phantom
5852563
Thanks you so much! Complex situations take a lot of time to build, so I'm glad all of my work payed off.
6175411
It's after the game.
I didn't finish the walktrough of the game but... What happened with the "heart"? I ask because the heart tell stories about people, so he could use it to know things about Celestia, not to say the special vision could let him see trough walls.
Also, there is still Discord to move the sun and the moon and Twilight and Cadence are still alicorns.
Actually, Adviser SpitFlame. There can be no such thing as a "problematic mastermind". Those two words don't function with each other. I myself have thoroughly played the game and feel as if Corvo wouldn't become wicked or vilified if in Equestria. Also, I am very certain he wouldn't agitate or target the beings powerful enough to legitimately rotate the earth on which he stands. That's basically challenging gods.
For my last note, I was reading a few parts of this story and stumbled upon the Princess Celestia/Twilight conversation. SpitFlame, Celestia and Twilight do not speak with such formal tension. In the show, they are much more casual with each other, often speaking as friends would. They may even display a show affection i.g hug. I also saw the conversation was too focused on Celestia. She speaks with much shorter, compact sentences that somehow blend friendliness with wisdom perfectly. Which speaks for her more than anything else in the show. Not to mention, SpitFlame. Princess Celestia obviously cares greatly for her pleasant lands. Replying to complaints while she sits on a royal throne wouldn't suffice her urge to appease whatever is upsetting ponies. She'd address every issue from a balcony directly to the distressed crowd. In the show, she is adored and loved, revered even. Her rule is kind, her intentions that of a loving mother. A reaction to even a minor issue would occur.
Overall, this story has some well-worn cliches, predictable in some cases, and can supply plot-armor to Corvo for the sake of story. However, there is polish where polish is needed, and has a very minimal amount of errors, internal and exterior,
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To be problematic means to cause a problem or difficulty, as goes with Google definition, and that's what Corvo was doing. So yeah, a problematic mastermind is indeed a thing.
And while I really do appreciate the advice, I'm not too terribly sure that you've read the story. Given your impressions, I would guess that you only skimmed over the first chapter or two, since most of the problems you seem to have are directly addressed later on in the plot.
6196367 You were right in assuming I didn't read the entire story, I fear I have not the time to do so, and personally hold a strong dislike towards HiE. Still, my comments regarding Celestia remain based and unstaggered.
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While I understand your point, I would recommend you to keep on reading. The underlying theme of trust is directed with great detail later on, and most of the thoughts the ponies have now are, I think, somewhat explained in further chapters. And no one trusts him in the third chapter—they are all just putting their faith in Celestia, like how they trusted her when she suggested Discord could be an ally.
But it's really up to you.
Why does this show up in the 1000 Likes and Growing group?
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Oh, deary me. That's not right. Thanks for the call-out.
Hi! This fic has been reviewed in the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! Hope it helps.
Freeze Time + Stab both in the head + ???. Profit.
Moral of the story? You don't win against Corvo.
So... you get curbstomped by him and now you want to go to a world full of more people like him (as far as you know)? Too stupid to live.
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I believe I explained why that wouldn't work in the beginning of chapter 14.
Not to mindlessly chase after him, but just to know where he is for precautions. Though, the ponies have been pretty stupid before in the show itself.
I tried to read this, I tried is the key word. But you know what I'm sorry I can't The descriptions are to... wordy? But I kept trying even skimming most of the story until this final chapter.
No just No.
You cannot Cannot! kill Celestia and Luna and not tag this story dark or tragedy.
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Oh, thanks for the suggestion. This story has a very dark ending indeed, so I should apply the appropriate tag. I hope you didn't skim any dialogue, as nearly every word becomes important at a certain point.
This is the story that truly, truly truly got me on the edge of my seat, full of plottwists, turns, and so on.
Like i crap you not i really loooove this story, the mind games, the chess game from beggining to the end. How Corvo realised that celly plays carefully but our good ole corvo beat her to it. Great job, awesome story. Cant wait to read the sequel.
You get a manly/10 rating
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Gee, thanks a lot for the kind words. I'm really happy that you enjoyed it!
I'm over here silently hoping that Corvo was secretly good the whole time. I also was hoping that Celestia would hear Corvos story or just burn enough records to prolong the war or something. At least I got a story that actually had a bad ending for once. Bravo! I now return to secretly and quietly begging for a good ending and having Corvo beat Celestia in chess.
You can has review!
A review request came to my inbox from the author of this story. A quick look over the title, cover art, tags, and description leads me to believe I would never stumble upon this story where he to not draw my attention to it. If I did, I doubt I'd crack the cover.
Now, there is an old adage of not judging a book by its cover. That holds far less true these days, especially when the cover, usually crafted to attempt to sell the contents to you, is much more elaborate and informative. The adage comes from a time when the bindings on a book were more physical and less informative. A book cover could be a work of art in and of itself, while many books might be bound in plain and utilitarian covers. The adage springs from a time in which all books were a rare and precious thing, and the sort of person able to even be in a position to judge a book at all was probably a wealthy person. It makes a lot more sense, in that context, for a wealthy person to turn their nose away from a plain or shoddy looking book. What value could such a text possibly have if the binder didn't even spend the effort to emboss it, bind it in an attractive cover, and work metals or even precious stones into it? The adage says that the contents within a book are of possible value regardless of the cover. Knowledge contained within exceeds the value of a mere work of art.
There may still be situations in which this bit of wisdom holds true. However, as I mentioned, the "cover" of a story like this one are themselves far more informative and illuminating than the gaudy artsy covers of the distant past. There are also far more books in existence, and a great many books are indeed filled with contents of little value. A cover needs to sell a potential reader that the contents within are indeed worth a lot. Just as our ability to print and publish books has increased beyond the wildest imaginations of the original coiner of the adage, our need to filter out bad books that are likely a waste of time has also grown. The cover has evolved, particularly in the digital format we enjoy here, to assist in that filter. Fimfic as a whole seeks to help up with that filter.
One of the filters that is assumed on this site is that everyone here is looking for stories about ponies. If a story isn't about ponies, it isn't allowed on this site. I've seen a lot of stories that push the boundaries of what counts, and few of those are particularly successful or good. The more "about ponies" you are, the more satisfying your story is likely to be to someone seeking out "good pony stories." Crossovers, by definition, are less about ponies than non-crossover stories. We can assume going in that the crossover will either be: mostly pony, with some minor fraction of the crossover material; around fifty-fifty; or primarily about something other than pony with some minor fraction of pony (up to and including so little pony that it only barely passes moderation). So there is always going to be some apprehension seeing this tag, about whither or not it is even going to be about something a reader wants to read on a pony fanfiction website.
I have no idea who or what "Corvo" is. The description on the cover doesn't inform me any. I could do a Google search for this name, but I expect the author to provide me with this information. If I have to go looking on my own, that's already a mark against the story. Even if the rest of the cover enticed me to enter in and start reading, I would turn away for that. I'm only going to continue and click in because I am somewhat interested in producing a review. A review of, "this looks bad and I didn't bother reading any of it" isn't very interesting or useful a review to anyone, but so far that is my inclination going in. There is an uphill battle for the author to catch my interest.
After clicking into the first chapter, the first thing I notice is that there is nothing but choppy, single-line paragraphs til below the point where I need to scroll. It appears at first glance the story is intending to start me off with some sort of action. Maybe it will bring me up to speed of where I am and what is going on...
The first scene has Twilight being confronted with a crowd of loud and demanding reporters. Rather than let us get our exposition from the questions they're asking, we're instead informed about what is going on in the story through narration while Twilight flees this tedious crowd. Not that the early exposition of the story is particularly informative, but we're at least given the understanding that some weird stuff is going on. We've seen weird stuff plenty of times before. Discord coming to mind first, as well as various other things. Some of which are "just Saturday." A reporter calling this stuff "black magic" seems to stretch my suspension of disbelief that I'm reading something in Equestria though. More on that later if it remains relevant.
I don't think that means what you think that means.
Tell don't show, I guess.
But, Twilight, you already did abandon them. You are currently talking to Princess Celestia, having turned tail and trotted away from them.
Celestia is ordering her guards to go answer questions to which she just admitted she doesn't have the answers to. I'm sure they're up to the task, and it is reasonable for Celestia to expect them to succeed.
What shape do emeralds have? They're often cut, like any other gem, into whatever faceted shapes jewelers think will look pretty. They may be cut into many different sorts of shapes though.
i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTE5NVgxNjAw/z/tXEAAOSwhcJWGD9Q/$_58.JPG
Is this what you mean? That's $3 worth of emeralds on Ebay.
Two things. First:
Again, I don't think that means what you think it means.
Second: There are three possible people you might be describing this window to or as. Celestia and Twilight are in the room, and if either of them are looking at it and we're getting this description as if to inform us how they see it, then they'd be unlikely to describe this window in such... vague a way. Twilight would likely describe it as, "it shows a scene where my friends and I first defeated/helped Nightmare Moon/Luna." Celestia would likely describe it as, "it shows a scene where my sister was rescued from Nightmare Moon by Twilight and her friends." The third possibility is that you, the author/narrator, are presuming we, the readers, don't know who these ponies are and you're describing them for us as if for the first time.
Lets go with the third one. It's not necessarily wrong, and if this is how you continue to describe things when we get to the material that isn't pony, it probably ought to be described this way too, and so this would be preemptively consistent. That said, this is an inherent problem with a crossover. In any non-crossover story where the author intends to describe this window to us, it would indeed be wrong because of course we know this scene, and have seen this very window on the show several times. One of the other points of view I described above would be much better. We, the readers, don't care all that much about the window itself, we care about what the characters in the scene think about the window.
At this point, I'm going to stop specifically commenting when a word is wrong. I'm not going to seek each one out to point out to you. I'm not your editor. However, if I am quoting something, like this, for other reasons and I notice a wrong word in it, I'll just bold it for you. Unless I think of something entertaining to comment on a word.
On to the main point of this quote. I certainly don't remember that time. Well, I guess this is the crossover material? Lets see how this goes.
So close. You started out well, showing us Celestia's reaction to Twilight's topic. But then you went back to being telly, and outright state how Twilight feels about Celestia's reaction.
So... Twilight remembers some strange event, seemingly at random. An event that ended in a way she doesn't understand. We can presume this murderous, dangerous being didn't do anything for a significant amount of time afterwards, and everyone is (not necessarily smartly) assuming it is gone for good. We might think Celestia knows more... but in this she doesn't offer any answers, and instead tells Twilight to forget about it.
So, is this relevant to the current crisis or not? Some poorly described event that was never resolved, and now more weird stuff is going on? Seems reasonable to bring up! Why would Twilight think of this event if she doesn't suspect it is linked to the current goings on? Yes, she should focus on what is important now. Isn't that what she is doing?
As someone who has read a lot of books, I can assume that this random, out of nowhere recollection is indeed relevant. Why would Twilight think of something and the author spend time writing about her doing so, if it isn't going to be about this crossover material that I'm aware is going to happen in some way down the road? So, at this point, you have me frustrated that you're not giving more information on what is clearly going to be a focal point of the story soon, based on the cover description. Instead you seem to be intent on delaying the feeding of information for no good reason. This clearly is a point at which you're foreshadowing this being, and instead of going ahead and doing so, you're "teasing." Welp, lets continue this schlog.
No, "schlog" isn't a real word.
What duties does Twilight intend to resume? So far she has attempted to leave the castle to go back home to Ponyville. She was accosted by paparazzi, fled back into the castle, had tea with Celestia, and we end our scene. Presumably, she is going to head home and hope her path to the train station is now clear?
Whatever. I guess I'll figure it out whenever I see Twilight again. New scene.
I don't think you understand how the colon is to be used.
Also, glad you told me this is an assassin. I might mistake it for a vigilante or a maniac or a chimney sweep. Those all look completely different.
So, at this point, you're using this word as a part of this character's identity. Since he is not currently in the act of assassinating anyone, and so far it doesn't appear he recently assassinated someone, it seems odd to refer to him as such. Now, if I was an investigator for the law, and I was referring to someone whom I knew little about yet, other than "the person who killed the important person" then I'd identify them in this way. Instead, you have a person who is here and now, being described to the reader via narration. It's odd to identify him in this way.
Now, since this is a pony story on a pony site, and you're describing Corvo here, you might as well get on with it and simply tell us he's Corvo. I have no idea who Corvo is, but I can already figure out who this tall and grim character is because I'm not a retard. If you actually had some purpose for describing him in such vague terms and stretching things out, I'd give you a pass. But you don't. This is so far just pretty annoying.
There you go. Now was that so hard? Really, what was the point of delaying this "reveal" for a couple of paragraphs?
Remember what I said about consistency in how you described the stained-glass window in the Canterlot Palace? How Twilight or Celestia would refer to it and the depictions within it? That's how you're doing it here. I have no idea what the "Mark" is, but I assume by your use of capitalization that this is a proper noun, and it isn't just some kind of mark. Like, a palace is a palace, but the Canterlot Palace is a particular one. This Mark is probably a mark of some sort, but it is a particular one.
One that I, the reader, know nothing about. So... where is my vague-ish description, consistent with how you described the stained glass window, to let me know what it is I am looking at? You tell me it is there, by name, then describe it glowing with colors. Also, "lenses" ? Is he wearing glasses?
Well, it seems characters in this story have random thoughts pop into their heads. Corvo was just looking at a wanted poster for himself, and observing the city around him from a rooftop. Why isn't he thinking about whatever it was he did to earn that bounty or concerned about the efforts to find and arrest him? Why is he instead randomly thinking about magical horseland, a place he appears to not be in at the moment? Why is someone you, the author, choose to identify merely with the word "assassin" attributing "innocent" to some colorful marshmallow horses he killed? I guess if I knew more about this character, I could say that maybe he has some kind of moral code where he only kills bad guys. Such a character mistakenly killing innocents and brooding about it years later is a story I know I've heard before somewhere. However, he "invaded" the place. Why? Why does an assassin "invade" another world? That's not an assassin. Also, who is this guy's employer? Assassins aren't solo. Anyone who kills other people on their own isn't an assassin, they're just a murderer or a vigilante. Part of what makes someone an assassin instead of just a random criminal, is that someone else hires them to do the killing. So... was he hired to kill somepony in Equestria? "innocent" doesn't really come into play if they're a target.
We have yet one more capitalized proper noun. "The Outsider." Stained glass inconsistency. No idea who this is. Doesn't seem to be Corvo's employer, the way he's referring to him/her/it.
Moving on...
No longer a proper noun? Also specifying it as "his" further reinforces that there is probably more than one of this thing. The only specialness of this mark is that it is his though. Whereas before, it was special because it was a very specific thing. It's a somewhat subtle problem, but you are being highly inconsistent here.
Imagine, if you will, that you are witnessing a scene in which there is a dog. There are lots of dogs in the world, but there is only one in this scene. However, based on how I just described it, you know next to nothing about the dog.
In yet another scene, I tell you about my dog. Already you know more about this dog, and it is more specific. It's not just any old dog, it's a specific individual. The one I own.
In a third scene, I could tell you about Rover. Rover is my dog. But you know even more about him than you know about the dogs in the other scenes. In the previous one, am I referring to Rover or my other dog, Fido? You can be sure in this scene I'm talking about Rover though, because I refer to him by name.
Maybe I have a third dog, and his name is Dog. Because I'm super good at naming dogs. A fourth dog I might name Mark.
Do you see the differences between how you're referring to this thing?
Pop quiz: what breed, gender, age, and demeanor are each of my four dogs? What favorite food and toy for each? Which ones are still alive?
What does fast smoke look like?
I don't even.
Corvo is going to Equestria though, I guess.
Next scene.
Waxing means the moon is in the part of its cycle where we go night to night from the new moon towards the full. Being blacker than normal implies... it isn't progressing towards full as much as it ought to have? Like, it would have been this far progressed on a previous night and that would be fine, but by now it should be more full and it isn't? Is that what you're saying here? Depending on if we're in Equestria or not, this might be concerning. Considering we were just not in Equestria and observed Corvo teleporting to Equestria, I'm assuming we're back in Equestria now, but I'm not certain. So... something is wrong with Luna and/or her control over her moon?
Someone failed basic high school physics.
...
Strange indeed.
Yes, yes it was.
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
/me slow claps.
Corvo can travel between worlds, but clearly doesn't understand some of the mechanics behind how he travels. Not that I understand any more than he does, but if anyone could enlighten me, I'm a bit disappointed to learn that Corvo can't.
Back to being a proper noun.
Also, it occasionally changes shape? We've seen it glow and do magicky stuff, but I have no idea what this thing looks like still. It is "still" the way you describe it though, so apparently it is currently "normal" yet you also describe it is "strange." Strange to whom? Yeah, it's strange to me personally since I have no clue what it is. But is it strange to Corvo? Why? It belongs to him, and he uses it. Is this just another thing he uses and it just works? Corvo so far seems like a bit of a laid back sort of guy. On the tin it suggested he was more of a thinker though, so I'm a bit confused.
Glad we got this inventory check out of the way. Since you're bothering to tell us so many details already, why not finish the job:
What kind of gun? I'm not expecting a specific brand or model or anything, but a shotgun, a rifle, and a pistol are all pretty significantly different from each other. An assault rifle or a sniper rifle would be very different from each other, and each different from a hunting rifle. Is it maybe some sort of machinegun? You do say gun, and a military person like myself would assume that is what you mean if you're calling it a gun. Is it a submachinegun, LMG, or is this Corvo guy packing a big crew-serve gun like an M60 or an M2?
A crossbow? Is it one of those large rifle-sized ones needing two hands or is it like a mini-crossbow you can use one-handed?
What kind of sword? A big two-hander like a longsword or greatsword, or a one-hander like an arming sword or perhaps a rapier? Is is a single or double-edged sword? Is it a curved slashy sword or a pointed stabby sword? Is Corvo more of a hack and slash kind of guy or more of a fencer? Is there some sort of cultural significance to the particular sword he wears like a katana or an Ulfberht?
What kind of bombs? Are we talking grenades, c4, some kind of claymore mines, those little black spheres with fuses, or pipebombs? Or does he have some magical method of deploying those big bombs they'd drop out of a B2 during WW2? Corvo can teleport, I'm not eliminating the possibility that he can fly and carpet bomb cities.
Ammunition. Presumably for his gun and crossbow. Well, good to know. I mean, if you failed to mention ammo, I'd assume he has some. Or that he can fire magic with those weapons. But I guess now I know he has a presumably finite supply of the stuff: however much he's carrying.
Back to no longer being a proper noun. Also, it appears to be functioning properly, as he's using it again. So, it bringing him into the Everfree "again" isn't a malfunction, or if it is, not one to concern cool as a cucumber Corvo.
Presumably this is a different kind of teleportation than the kind used to bring him here from wherever he was. It's far less dramatically described. I do have to wonder why he didn't end up wherever in Equestria he was picturing in his head though. At least he's able to magically teleport around within Equestria now that he's here though.
Ran? Didn't you just say he was teleporting somewhere else? Errr... he's been to Equestria before, just teleported from one world to another, and is now teleporting around some more. Why does he have to run?
Uhh...
We already know it is waxing. I'd also like to point out that when the moon is waxing or waning, you can't actually tell by looking at it. Again, "waxing" refers to the lunar cycle, which is relative to what it was last night and will be tomorrow night. There is no descriptive value to be gained by calling it a waxing moon unless you're referring to it in that sort of context. In the context of simply looking up into the sky and seeing what the moon looks like right now, you'd be better off describing what phase it actually is in.
This does remind me though. You had brought up the moon already in this scene. No mention of Luna having trouble has been described so far. So what the hell did you mean by it being blacker than normal? Do you just not understand the moon? Go outside tonight and look at it. It's pretty.
Someone alert the guards. Protect the princesses! Hopefully Corvo can stop this new assassin...
Well, shit. If you meant Corvo, why didn't you just say Corvo from the start?
See, this is exactly the problem that comes up with "LUS" (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome). I'm sure when you wrote this, you had this idea, as culprits guilty of using LUS often have, that you're trying to change things up. Vary and spice up your descriptions. This is the wrong way to do it though. First and foremost, a description that is "vague" such as "the purple unicorn" is only appropriate when you want to invoke the sense that the "speaker" isn't sure who this being is. However, after Twilight introduces herself, invites you to the local fast food place for hayburgers, and you're watching in astonishment as she wolfs down three burgers and gets ketchup all over her muzzle, you would not describe it as, "the purple alicorn looked sloppy with all that ketchup on her face." You would just say, "Twilight looked sloppy with all that ketchup on her face."
We know who Corvo is at this point. If you refer to him vaguely, you're suggesting an unfamiliarity. We're "familiar" with Corvo now, and so a vague reference tells us that we're not witnessing Corvo, but someone new whom we are not familiar with. This is LUS. Not only has describing him ever so far in your story as "the assassin" been badly done, this time is especially distracting and I'm fearful that this is just how you write, and it's going to constantly derail what otherwise would be a possibly immersing story.
New scene.
Are they walking or trotting? These are not synonyms for each other. They're both ways a horse can travel, but they imply different speeds and effort. Regardless of which they are doing, you never need to inform us twice in the same paragraph that they're moving. The only time multiple sentences in the same paragraph should be devoted to travel is to indicate some sort of difference, change, or alteration to the overal movement. And if movement is really all that complicated and interspersed with other activities, dialogue, and the setting, you're probably better off splitting ideas that important off into separate paragraphs.
I thought I would be avoiding a lot of these misused words, as there really are so freaking many, but how is a noise thick? I ignored a previous instance of a noise being "high" and assumed you might have meant high-pitched. But thick? What the fuck?
If you ever find yourself describing something by what it isn't, then you're probably doing it wrong. In this case, you are[ doing it wrong.
I am beginning to suspect you might be deaf. Are you really unfamiliar with sound?
That was probably the most tedious way you could have depicted this minor event. You totally needed to drag this out for seven sentences what could have been conveyed in one. Observe:
A guard rushed in through the double door. "Your Highnesses!" he said, high-pitched as if he was out of breath, and was forcing out a voice. "Please come to the front yard of the castle. It's a danger, and we need your help!"
Eliminating all six other sentences in that paragraph and moving this one sentence to the next conveys everything you might have wanted to. If you were really keen on retaining that quiet-to-loud auditory buildup before the doors opened, you could add one more sentence to the front simply stating just that.
Also:
Once again, a visual descriptor to a sound.
Twilight, the guard pony just said it was dangerous, and is requesting two alicorns come provide backup. Instead of, y'know, doing his job and urging you two princesses to go elsewhere to safety from some sort of threat. Whatever it is, I am sure it isn't "alright back there." C'mon, you're a smart pony. Why aren't you able to understand a basic situational sort of thing like this? What happened? Did you hit your head? Did Special Ed make you special too?
Now, Twilight, you should only focus on what is important in the here and now. Because when you think about bad stuff like this guy, then apparently he will show up again. If you had just focused on the here and now, forgotten about the past, then it wouldn't have come back to us in the courtyard and requested a chat. Damn you, Twilight Sparkle, I thought I taught you better than this.
So, I thought I'd try out a different format to my usual method of doing reviews. Trying something new out was a large part of why I bothered to do this review at all. As you may have surmised from my opening bit, this story would not have interested me to read in the slightest outside of the author's request that I review it. After having read the first chapter, I can see that hesitation was justified. Needless to say, I am not going to bother reading on further.
This story is riddled with errors. I get the impression some of these word choices are the result of a different culture than my own; perhaps an English one. If you're attentive though, you'll notice that when I posted the dictionary definition of the word "fray" I chose the Oxford English Dictionary, my personal go-to choice of word-meaning-needs. In particular, I chose the EN version, instead of the US. If my impression is wrong and this was written by a fellow American, well bub, you're still wrong and a lot more of what you wrote makes even less sense. If you are an Englishman, well... I don't really care that much. You're still using words wrong even by your own culture. I may not have grown up in it, but I'm familiar enough with it.
Beyond simple spelling and grammar issues, there is a question of what and how things are presented. Some writers might defend the use of LUS, and there are ways you can use it to good effect. However, this story is a clear example of how it is bad for your story, and actively ruins the narrative. There are a lot of other things you describe in the story, and it isn't so much that you lack description, it just feels very awkward figuring out to whom you are describing these various things.
I ragged pretty hard on you for the way you describe items of sound in the chapter. This might be a cultural difference, or some sort of poetic choice. Whichever it is, it was highly distracting, and reduced how evocative and imagination-stimulating every scene could have been for me. Other cues, like the colors of the forest, the moon, and so on did a poor job of painting these scenes in my imagination.
Characterization was poor. I don't know who is or where Corvo comes from, but I only have a vague idea of what he looks like, how he's dressed, or so on. I'm assuming the picture on the cover-art is him. I have very little understanding of what his motivations and goals are, or what his personality is like. If this were a good story, I'd be hooked by now and curious who he is and what he's going to do. Instead, I was treated to an effort by someone without the skill to do so attempting to put a bunch of flashy visual effects fitting for a video game into a text-based story. The term "assassin" is being pushed to do far more work of telling me who Corvo is than the word is capable of doing.
Twilight appears to be an idiot. At best, the sort of "meek, teacher don't be mad at me for messing up" sliver of her personality could be sort of argued to be present in this story.
Celestia manages to be more bland and undefined than the show has ever made her out to be. Like, I get that we don't have much to go off of, and I'm going to assume when this was written, season 7 hadn't been viewed yet, but you gave us less personality for her than you did for Corvo.
That was 3215 words, according to Fimfic's word-counting algorithms, in which Twilight reveals her aborted attempt to get home to Ponyville from Canterlot due to paparazzi, a boring and slightly cryptic conversation with Celestia whilst hiding from the crowd outside, a scene where Corvo broods a bit on a rooftop on some other world, teleports to Equestria, runs to Canterlot, and asks to have a chat with the two Princesses. Oh, and some Discord-shenanigans are going on, and we know from the cover that Corvo is going to be a good guy and help Equestria with these problems, not murder/assassinate royalty and be the problem himself.
I have to question why we went through this chapter. The introduction to our characters didn't, our introduction to the conflict didn't, and we could have begun the story with Corvo popping into Equestria in the throne room in front of Celestia and Twilight whilst they had tea together. None of the rest of the moving about space, running, and inventorying supplies told us anything of value or helped us get to know anyone better.
From the perspective of a fan of MLP on Fimfic reading a story published here to be about ponies, I am this far in and know next to nothing about the non-pony elements of the crossover, and the depictions of the pony elements of the story are poorly done as well. As someone reading a story, I have no knowledge of what the problem in the story is so far, therefore can't be interested in how it impacts characters I care about or how it might be solved. I also have nothing drawing me to these particular characters to care about them if the issue with plot were resolved. Even if I was a giant fan of Celestia and/or Twilight Sparkle, this story has done nothing to assure me that I will be enjoying an entertaining depiction of them. Instead it has done the opposite, and assured me that I'm likely to be presented with a mistreatment of their characters at the hands of an inept author. I can also assume I'm going to have to endure a lot of tedius, drawn out, and often pointless delays and "teases" for information that should just be given to me a paragraph or two sooner. A lot of this is apparently going to revolve around the character of Corvo, because you seem to feel the need to be tight-fisted and reserved with showing me who he is.
I can't be bothered to subject myself to such treatment.
These days, you can tell a lot by the cover of a book. Even if you do decide to go into a story after seeing the cover, it is still going to have a big influence on how you perceive things going in, how you interpret things as they unfold, and what expectations you're going to have going through. Judging this book by it's cover would have saved me roughly 15-20 minutes worth of time it would take to read the first chapter.
8132258
Well shoot, while I'm really disappointed you only covered the first chapter, I gotta give you credit for the amount of effort and information you put in this comment. I fully acknowledge all of your criticisms, especially the one about the misused words.
Err, not much else to say story-wise on my part, it really is just the first chapter.
Thanks.
8152707
There is no previous story.
8154938
You have some very valid criticism I've heard before, which is why I'm trying to get better at dialogue in my other stories.
Thanks for your input.
8152707
i have the link here https://fimfetch.net/story/136582/elements-of-harmony-fragments-of-dishonor
8153430
lie https://fimfetch.net/story/136582/elements-of-harmony-fragments-of-dishonor
8352851
I removed it because I thought it was terrible. Plot, dialogue, grammar, characters—it all sucked, and I like to pretend it doesn't exist.
Am I the only one who thinks Corvo is similar to Light/Kira from Death Note in this story? His cold and calculated way of thinking combined with his amazing strategical skills makes me instantly think of Light, especially since he has delusions of grandeur - just like Light believing he was the new world's God.
You can even go more in depth in terms of analysing their similarity. When Corvo wasn't in possession of his memories, he was a genuinely nice person - just like Light was when he asked Ryuk to take the Death Note away for a while when he was under 24/7 observation from L. When Corvo laughs like a madman at the end of this chapter it reminds me of the moment when Light laughs over L's grave after killing him, thinking that nobody else could beat him - similar to what he thought after both Celestia and Luna died.
You could also say that Luna is supposed to be the L in this story. This is reinforced by the fact that when she is talking to Corvo she has blue eyes and Corvo has red eyes, this connects to the conversations that L and Light have through-out the show with L being blue and Light being red.
Also with you mentioning how they are both opposites also got me thinking about how L and Light are two sides of a coin. Luna also suspects Corvo from the get-go, just like L with Light. Luna also seems to be rather direct with her opinions and thoughts, just like L and she also seems to be completely fine with taking risks in order to prove that Corvo is evil - just like L showing himself to Light.
I feel as if you based both the characteristics of these two characters of off L and Light, the dividing line between the two of them is that L does his own things but Luna steps down if Celestia tells her to.
Celestia also seems like somebody who could potentially be like L as she does analyse Corvo's reactions and test him indirectly like through chess or simple conversations. She also seems to be rather calculating like L and she also pretends to be friendly towards Corvo while she secretly doesn't trust him in the slightest.
I think that if characters in this story was based of off Death Note character's then Corvo would be Light/Kira, Celestia and Luna would act as different sides of L - one calculating and one more emotional, in fact the two of them could even be representations of Mello and Near.
Either way, I am just speculating and comparing randomly. I have to admit though; the reason why I like this story so much is because of how much it reminds me of Death Note. With all the mind games, twists and turns - it truly kept me on the edge of my seat and interested in the story as I wondered what would happen next. So you just yourself a follow.
8559298
Oh man, it's been a long time since I've seen Death Note. It's a great anime, and you make some very interesting observations about its parallels with this story.
Also, this comment genuinely made my day; thanks for the follow. I hope you get to enjoy the sequel just as much if you get around to reading it.
Rags.
Jeez, guess we went with high chaos, Emily dies, Corvo.
I have a feeling that the invasion that Corvo was so worried about was -if not caused- cemented by his own actions.