One mistake

Have you ever had a day that you thought couldn't get any worse?
I have, then i got then i ended up in a world full of colorful gay talking ponies.
And, I swear to god if they don't shut up, I'm gonna cut off my ears.

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theFlancy Mernin

theFlancy Mernin #1 · Dec 2nd, 2013 · · ·

God easy on me.

I think you mean "Go easy on me." Fine, then, I will.
It's a good idea, really, and the play-by-play is nicely done. But there are some things that need some help.
First of all, paragraphs. Seriously? There's no reason you should have single-line paragraphs, nonetheless paragraphs that
Start in the middle of a sentence.
IT IS A HUGE NO-NO IN ANY KIND OF WRITING.(Save for poetry; jeez.)
There are five reasons to start a new paragraph: One, new subject; Two, new speaker; Three, new place; Four, dramatic effect; And five, new time. This is one of the most important pieces of s**t you will ever know in writing.
Next, your punctuation.

"And i work in the, I don't give a fuck department. GO!"

This comma isn't, in the right place if, it was even allowed to, be there. Don't do that. Please, dear gods, goddesses, flying spaghetti monsters, laser-beam-eyed dogs, WHATEVER IT IS, YOU NEVER EVER INCORRECTLY PUNCTUATE. Here, another guide: First letter of a name of a company, book, person, dog, or referring to yourself in first person as 'I', you are to capitalize. When you end a sentence, it will always end with a '?' if it is a question, an '!' if it is an exclamation, a '.' if it is a statement, and '...' if the sentence trails off. If a sentence is cut off, you end with a '-'. For example:
<"Where are you?">
<"Look out!">
<"If it doesn't work...">
<"But if we-">
Next, last time I checked, there was no 'Random' tag on this story.

When out of nowhere my stomach growls, and the unthinkable happens.
I must shit.

Right here, folks, is where we jump from eating breakfast to needing to shit!

I run out of the car to see my engine smoking more the volcano ready to burst. After looking at it and toying around, i call the

What's this about a volcano? Did it magically appear from a bar of soap? Is its name Frankenpooper?

i'm going to ask you a few questions okay? Stick with me here" She said as i see a random list as long as a SUV
come out of nowhere.

Again with the paragraph thing, and also, how exactly did the SUV get there, another poof of magic? Did nopony notice? Did Blueblood finally pull his shit together and conjure a machine that he couldn't possibly even start to think in his tiny little brain?
Now, setting and explaining things. The reader has to know what the area looks like, other than 'Oh its a bathroom' or 'There's shit on the ceiling'.
You have to describe it. Such as, 'It was a multi-stalled bathroom, with tiled blue and white floors. The sinks were motion-sensitive, but there are the typical paper towels for drying your hands stuck on the wall.', or 'There was a brown, lumpy, and sticky residue plastered to the ceiling that gave off a smell that screamed, I HAVE COME FROM THE BOWELS OF HELL'S DEMONS!!!'
Just follow these tips and keep them in mind while you write.
Really, though, it's an amazing idea; you just have to know how to put it out there.
If I have hurt your feelings, I am truly sorry, but these things were bugging me SO much .