Hey, mister.
Did Somepony order a Large Ham?
Admiral Biscuit
The door to the office burst open and a dark green mare with a roast-pig cutie mark shouted: “Did somepony order a large ham?”
I set my pen down carefully and folded my hands across my blotter.
I considered my words with care. A situation like this was unprecedented in my time at the company. For starters, nobody had ever ordered a ham. Nobody had ordered flowers. Nobody had ordered a singing telegram, dancing clown, or anything more disruptive than Post-It notes.
The forms for requisitioning Post-It notes were notoriously difficult to fill out, and one often had to make due with Post-Its of the wrong color or type. Once, I spent an entire week writing on lavender Post-It notes, as I had failed to mark the proper box on the second page of the requisition form.
While the pony stood silent sentry, I mentally reviewed my last few Post-It orders. Some were outstanding; this time of the year the yellow notes gained in popularity, so they were back-ordered. At least, that’s what upper-level management told me. I cannot attest to the veracity of that statement.
Was there, I wondered, a box which I could have inadvertently checked which might have lead to a pony delivering a ham to my office? None I could think of, but it was best to review the form to be certain.
Meanwhile the pony became increasingly agitated. “Hey mister,” she finally said. “Your ham is getting cold.”
I ignored her. The form was too complex to allow oneself to become distracted.
Inside my left desk drawer—next to a bottle of gin I keep on hand for particularly difficult days—was an official Post-It color swatch chart. Each color had its own particular coding, you see. The requisition forms were pre-printed, but if they did not exactly correspond with a color swatch, it was possible the wrong thing could be ordered. At the last company meeting, we had been somberly informed that Smith was taking an unintended two-week vacation in Terra Del Fuego due to a misprinted form.
Not only were the forms correct in all respects, but checking the carbons for the last year—conveniently kept in my right lower desk drawer—revealed that I had checked the box for color # 1Z4D-458RU-AB every time—except, of course, for the lavender incident, when I had checked the box for color # 1Z4D-485RU-AB.
“Hey, mister, do you want me to just set it down somewhere? I’ve got other deliveries, you know.” She snapped her gum. I hate that.
I took a minute to examine her with the same scrutiny I would devote to a fresh pad of Post-Its. Her coat was a nearly uniform dark green, very similar to 3M’s Hunter Green Post-It color, #1Z4D-548RU-AB. Her mane was a pleasant mint color—about halfway between #1Z4D-845RU-AB and #1Z4D-448RU-AB.
Even with her bored expression, her irises were still a brilliant blue. Not quite cornflower; more of a cerulean blue. Inspection of my color swatch showed nothing even close, I am sorry to say. I debated cutting up the swatch and trying to match up some colors, but it would take forever to requisition a pair of scissors strong enough to cut through genuine 3M Post-It Note Color Swatch Backing Material, so I did not. I did what any sane person in my situation would have done.
I poured myself a full measure of gin. My coffee cup—the one personal decoration I’d been allowed to add to my office—was pressed into service, filled to the very brim, and the contents quaffed in one long swallow.
“I did not order a ham,” I informed the pony. “I believe you have made a mistake.”
At this, she became quite upset. She shifted around on her hooves a little bit, perhaps contemplating the fickle nature of a bureaucracy which would lead her—in company with a ham—to my humble office. In a rare moment of solidarity, I poured her a glass of gin as well. The level in the bottle was getting distressingly low, I noted. I wrote myself a note to bring in another bottle.
I watched her drink it. She made a face when the alcohol first touched her tongue, but bravely managed to down the entire contents of the cup. As she set the cup back down, her wide eyes were closed, and I feared I had somehow offended her.
I need not have worried. With a polite belch, she opened her eyes again and nodded at me as if she was seeing me for the first time.
“If you didn’t order the ham,” she slurred, “who did?”
“There, I cannot help you.” I spread my hands wide over the blotter on my desk. “As you can see, I am alone in my office. Perhaps someone has sent you on a fool’s errand. One hears stories of prank calls—often to food establishments. You and I could be the innocent victims of such a jape.”
“I got a form and everything,” she said. “What kinda joke has a form?”
She reached down into a stained apron and pulled forth a wrinkled form. Even across the gulf that separated us, I could clearly recognize the backside of a Post-It requisition form. The stains indicated maltreatment, and the crumpled ridges and frayed edges raised my hackles. Who could treat a form with such callous disregard? As soon as she turned it over, though, I knew full well who had been the cause of the unpleasantness.
“Harlowe,” I hissed. I would recognize his handiwork anywhere. The broad checks which crossed outside the neat little boxes, applied with a felt-tipped Flair pen held with the same careless grasp a child might use on a crayon. And the ink—a shocking blue. All forms were to be filled out in black ink, now and ever shall be, world without end, amen.
“I fear you misread the sign on the door,” I informed her. “It is an understandable mistake. Harlowe’s penmanship is deplorable. Atrocious. We all knew something like this would happen sooner or later.” I smiled disarmingly. “You see, this is room eight-zero-five. He is in room eight-oh-five. A simple misunderstanding. You’ll find him on the other side of the courtyard. Good day.”
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I have no idea what the hell this is, but I think I like it.
wat
Is the man's name Stanley?
3529708
I don't know what it is, either. A fusion of Office Space, Dickins, and a random prompt, combined into a . . . this.
3529755
damnwtflol.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/i-regret-nothing.jpg
3529785
Maybe? I dunno. Reference went over my head.
Hudsucker Proxy. What do I win?
Love that movie.
Also, though this is a nice lolsy thing about company bureaucracy, it's... kinda... minimal in the story department, ya know?
3529805
YES! You win my affection, and I promise to read The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. It seems a bizarre opening for a HiE--and takes place reasonably close (on a geographical scale, anyway) to the setting of two of my stories [off the Leelanau peninsula].
I'm surprised I got a more than a thousand words off the prompt, to be honest.
How exactly is this human though? I missed that part.
3529888
The narrator's human, as is everyone in the office. Not that I took any pains to point that out in the story.
3529896
Right, I must have missed it.
Great story but... wtf did I just read?
I died at that part!
And a ham
3529962
I asked myself what I'd just written. It got funnier each time I read it, though, so. . . .
3529981 So you have no idea either then.
3529992
Not a clue. It's randomer than Derpy Accidentally a Portal Gun.
3530000
static1.fjcdn.com/comments/the+meme+the+dubs+_cab53331ef3d748eb119e2b0728b906a.jpg
And imma go read that right now!
3529860
While I like Wreck it was kindof an oddball writing experiment. You might want to read Last Brony, I hear it's really good! 
Also, followed, cuz I've read one or two other of your stories
3529785
I actually felt that vibe as well.
3529803
It is a fantastic, utterly surreal "game". I recommend giving the demo a try.
3530023
Maybe I'll have to sign up for steam . . . interesting.
I do see the resemblence now.
3530015
Aww, thanks
Last Brony's on my read-later list. I'll give it a whirl at work tomorrow
[fixed]
Cover art looks like something from Doctor Who to me.
3530148
I fixed that typo
Cover art is from The Hudsucker Proxy. It's Mussburger's office.
3530154
My question is why he isn't curious about the fact there's a talking pony delivering him a ham. Instead he's curious about post-it notes.
This definitely made me laugh good.
3530884
A pony? Who cares!
Post it notes on the other hand...
(P.S.- If you actually see a talking pony, be sure to inform me so I can go there as fast as mortally possible.)
3536357 Buddy if I see a talking pastel colored pony, I'll be too busy hugging the crap out of it to let you know.
3539460
How could you! Even I would not be so self ab-
Wait a minute...
Actually I would be, never mind.
3540924 Yeah my first gut-reaction would be to glomp, then ask questions.
Im very sorry, but with it being panto season, my first and immediate thought, was with the words, Who Ordered a Large Ham, well, it would be better if you applied it in The Royal Canterlot Voice, that was projected, in the same way a small moon into a planet is projected, from the rather voluminous mass and extreme vocal capability that is....
BRIAN BLESSED.
Is it bad that I thought it were called "Who ordered a large harem" when I started reading this?
Still got a few chuckles from it though.
My first thought was of the trope of the same name, but this was brilliant!
Also, I can only read that "Harlowe." line in Professor Farnsworth's voice ("Wernstrom!").
Soylent Green?
3637081
That would have been an interesting twist . . .
3647096
That's apparently what put the idea in Peregrine's head.
Me too, now.
3654162
Well, technically no, since they're ponies. Or was that an idea for the pony's name? Because that's brilliant, and sounds very pony-like.
3659573 I meant for the movie name, but for a pony name that'd be pretty good.
First read this in a VA reception area. At that time I thought it was a slice of life fic. Either way, well done.
3841853
I've never worked an office job, and I hope I never will.
Somehow, when I read the title, I assumed TG&P-Trixie would be involved.
This is far from compelling, but for a 1 hour> fic, it's pretty damn good. Damn good indeed.
I like how the initial assumption is turned on its head. I was expecting an incoming ham. I got banal post-it note meanderings. And Harlowe. Ooooo, Harlowe. That bastard.
The cover art's from The Hudsucker Proxy. That's the clock that freezes the world, right?
3892612
One of the readers was expecting a 'large harem.' Imagine his disappointment.
It only freezes certain Hudsucker employees.
3872641
I should have had her deliver the ham. Oh, what a missed opportunity.
I couldn't help but read "Harlowe" in David tennants voice when he shakes his fist and shouts BARROWMAN!
I came here expecting a large ham and I was not disappointed.
10/10
I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE! OH HAM BUDDY MY HAM BUDDY!
5336969
I think there are three or four of these. Maybe more.
Not as many as peach stories, though.
3999736
I read it in Dad's ...Dinkleberg... tone.
do?
this reminds me of that fic with those two ponies that believed that Luna, Flurry Heart, and Candence either didn't exist or else were fake due to paperwork on on them not making sense with what they knew on running their jobs (They were so by the book that it would make Twilight look like an amateur), and also didn't know that Canterlot had been invaded by Changelings and later attacked by Tirek.
10377720
Alright, now I’m curious, ‘cause I don’t know what that fic is and it sounds interesting.
10378702
Not 100% sure, but it sounds like Assigned Paperwork at Birth
I just reread it, and yeah, this is the one.
11236155
Thanks! That’s a good one, I just read it today. Couple ponies are about to have a bad day . . . they shouldn’t have gone outside.