Twilight is working her on her largest essay for the princess so far. Finding Ponyville is too distracting, she takes a job as the winter caretaker at the Overhoof Hotel. To keep her company during the long winter, she brings Spike and the rest of the six with her. However as time passes, Spikes begin to see glimpses of the hotels blood stained past and future. Meanwhile Twilight starts to lash out at her friends and goes into isolation in order to finish her project. At the same time, she is coping from a cider addiction. As Twilight friends grow more and more concerned, things take a turn for the worse when Rarity discovers what Twilights been working on. This story is based off the movie version of The Shining.
Chapters (5)
Carrrrreful Dash Attack, walking in the hoof-steps of Stephen King himself will be a long and critique-filled road. I wish you luck.
I can see ur not reread type but the story so far is good want me to fix the many many errors?
Track now, read tomorrow. Since it's a Stephen King book based movie...
gifsforum.com/images/gif/dis%20gon%20be%20good/grand/this_gon_b_gud_gif.gif
300969
Knew I should have reread the story before I posted it. Don't worry I my going to take my time with the next chapter. I'm going to get proofread and then proofread again till it's 100 perfect. Hopefully my horrible grammar mistakes didn't subtract from the story.
The Shining is one of my favourite horror films and my favourite Stephen King adaption. I will track to see what you make of this.
All right, now I'm not trying to be mean or cruel, Dash Attack. I think it's a fun idea to cross over My Little Pony with a Stephen King favorite. The thing is, he's an exceptional writer, and to emulate his style, you need to pay attention to your own style more closely.
The spelling and sentence structure needs a lot of work. Many sentences are littered with misspelled words, and some parts of sentences are repeated (mistakes I make a lot, actually). It also pays to now when to use indents, which help us readers separate paragraphs with our eyes.
With paragraph and sentence structure comes flow, and yours is sadly lacking. Scenes jump about and jumble together occasionally. You need to learn how to plot out your flow. For example, in the first paragraph, you would need to establish the environment (In this case, the spooky hotel). What should the reader know about this hotel? What does it look like and feel like to be there? Just telling us it's spooky doesn't exactly mean it is.
Then in the second paragraph, we have Filthy Rich and Twilight Sparkle talking about the hotel. This is good, we're going to get some exposition. Unfortunately, the way Filthy Rich delivers the sordid story of the hotel makes me think less of Stephen King and more of a Scooby-Doo episode.
Another tip you could use is to try varying the way you write. It keeps the reader engaged when the narration takes different tones for different scenes: is the scene scary? Write it like you're afraid, too. Trick the reader into thinking the fourth wall can't protect them. Is the scene funny? Write a hilarious comparison. Tone is a great way to establish good writing.
All in all, I can't read this story to the end until you try to fix it. As it is now, it isn't even a first draft so much as a rushed outline. But if it's your first try, then I'm gonna ask you to keep trying, and don't give up until you do it right! And you DO get it right, keep doing it until you get it AWESOME!
Though im fairly new myself to fimfiction, im a long time writer and i can tell you, even the smallest typos can really hurt the integrity of a story and author if you arent careful. You want to absolutley minimize mistakes.
Dont get too ancy and release chapters before reading them over. A good way to do it is to write a couple passages and them reread them and find errors as you continue.
Break up your paragraphs into shorter ones because large walls of text are ugly and can be intimidating. Breaking up paragraphs also adds a better flow to the story, especially if you do it right. I hope these tip help you. If you want to see some of these tips in practice try viewing other authors' works, it really helps me sometimes to see how others write and might even give you some inspiration.
Oh. My. God.
I LOVE Stephen King, and I LOVE Stanley Kubrick.
Cannot wait to see what you do with this! Hopefully we can get a Jack Nicholson line or two from Twilight...
Definitley tracking.
301286
This chapter was definitely rushed. Rest assured, chapter 2 will be full of exposition. I will work on my sentence structure as well. Thank you for being honest and I hope to improve the story. Part of the problem was that I copy and pasted the story from word and it didn't come out right. I am new to the site and I wasn't sure what to do.
I have altered the chapter, pray I don't alter it any further.
302076
Well, my story came out wrong when copypasted from Word. When that happens, you, sadly, need to do the aggravating task of going over the almost-published version of your story, and alter it so that it'll fit more into the mold FIMfiction can use. It's annoying and time-consuming, but it's something you have to do.
Thanks for replying and until next time, nip it in the bud.
Oh, this has potential.
:Working on chapter 3. Should be ready either tomorrow or Wednesday.
Getting better. At least more of the writing is coming together. Still needs work: proofread your spelling and sentence structure, first of all. That alone would be of tremendous use. Be more descriptive of a character's thoughts and feelings regarding a place or situation. You're doing well in this category, but improvements are needed to make it the best it can be, especially since some of the characters aren't as fleshed out as they ought to be.
Right now, I'm going to have to admit that this needs some work. It jumps around way too erratically and there are punctuation problems.
325069 I'm trying to mirror the original script so nothing happens out of sequence. The jumping will slow down eventually. As for the punctuations. I will keep my eye out for them.
325175
Mirroring the original script? OK, that there is a problem.
I understand you're trying to cross over two IPs, My Little Pony and The Shining. But the thing is, if you're going to mirror the original script, then you are in serious danger of just retelling the same story with different characters.
Please don't do this. It's an amateurish mistake, and you're capable of producing something far better. I don't mind that it's My Little Pony characters staying in the Overhoof. I don't mind if it's really more of a parody of The Shining. Just don't retell the same story.
As for the jumpy scenes, yes, it's noticeably jarring. If you're shooting for showing Twilight Sparkle slowly losing her mind... again... you could do so by having several scenes where she is slightly less pleasant in each one. Showing a subtle loss of sanity at a time is more effective. Simply jumping from "I'm sorry" to one month later doesn't do the job.
You also don't hang on any of the scenes long enough for the reader to care. We see AJ and Dash about to run a race... but we don't get to see the race itself. It's obvious foreshadowing to a future scene in which one of them is trying to get through the maze, so we ought to get more acquainted with the maze.
If you can fix these issues, along with the spelling and sentence structure, you could greatly improve your fic.
<(KEEP TRY)
Hello, hun.
I'm not going to add too much more in the ways of criticism because it seems that Brony_Fife has you well covered in that department, and I don't want to mirror that advice.
However, I would like to say two things: firstly, keep going, and keep trying. You will only get better the more you work at it, and you'll improve so much more if you both listen to those who want to help and support you and ignore anyone who is trying to drag you down. Secondly, I recommend perhaps sending your draft to someone you trust who also writes to help look for errors before you put up your chapters. Between two people looking it over, you'll have a lot less errors than if you just look it over on your own if this is an area you struggle in.
Don't give up!
325229 again thank you for looking out for my story. I will try to pay homage to the scenes on my own way. My inspiration for this story came from a retelling of Death Note With MLP characters that basically told the same story. I am going to use the script for inspiration for key scenes in the story ex- "Here's Journey". While doing so I hope to take advantage of the expanded cast of characters. Twillights outburst at Fluttershy going to be more important than it was in the movie because she is so sensativity.
Crossing over FiM with one of my favorite authors ever?!
Awesome.
Now all we need is an "It" crossover and my life will be complete.
326492 I have only scean part 2 of that movie. Hopfully someday someone will make that happen.
An It crossover would be.... Interesting. Just curious, are we doing original movie Shining, book Shining, or miniseries Shining? ...And, for the It crossover, who would Twilight be? Probably Bill. Though, thinking a bit more, Mike would work good as well, being as he stayed in the town, worked at the library, kept the lighthouse, etc.
364562 I never read the book or seen the min-series. I do have a copy of it at home but I never read it. What you are seeing is based off the original movie. Twilight is Jack. You seem to be an expert on all the versions of the story. I won't be updating till after I finished with this semester, so feel free to make suggestions on what should happen next.
I notice that the number of people tracking the story is continuing to drop. I am sorry for the lack of updates, but I don't have time because of school. I hope that the rest of you guys stay tuned until about may when I can start working again. Writing this story as been a lot of fun. I want to thank all of you who have stuck with me since the first chapter. I also want Brony_Fife for constantly giving me feedback. Hopefully the next Chapter entiled Fluttercry will be worth the weight.
yay yay yay yay
Windigoes? For now, I am glad that you're providing a small difference from the original. I don't think thatthere was a crying person who noticed the shit that was going down. So for now, I have to commend you for trying to do things differently.
th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/081/a/0/colgate__s_sparkling_smile_by_delta105-d4tlpfp.png
it's...so...epic...right colgate
J.K Rowling.
Pretty sure you mean Stephen King there. Also, there is A LOT of errors on this page. Get a proofreader. And from what I`ve read so far, it is way too similar to the original movie.
And yes, I know you said you would do proofreading, but you should think about hiring someone else.
300975 That was directed by Stanley Kubrick. That's why it's interesting for me. Not much of a King fan myself.
1899009 I was making joke about how almost everyone in Harry Potter dies.
1899009 Also sorry for rushing. I'll get someone to correct it tomorrow.
1899355
Technically, Shakespeare is the one in which almost all the characters die (Hamlet) But I see what you mean.
This reminds me of the shining.....
2086685 It's suppose too.
lilbeibs
It's good, but I wish you would continue it. Ps, this is WAY to close to the. Shining. You might get in trouble for copyright.
3587111 That's one of the reason why I canceled it. It was a learning experience. I'm going to put this fic up for adoption in my new group that helps find new authors for abandoned stories. Maybe they can give the idea more justice. As for me, I have way too many other stories to work on at the moment.
Oh, good lord...slight spelling errors and bad grammar is all over in this crossover fanfic. I mean for pete's sakes, the bad grammar in this chapter alone was rather distracting (but I guess that wouldn't matter, since this fanfic is cancelled, but still though). Well other then that, this seem like an good story.
5261071 This was my first story before I new I could actually find people who be willing to edit my stuff. I knew it was poorly executed and kind of plagiarized the Kubrick version too much (I even borrowed from the script)
.
Grammar and spelling is my biggest struggle, even with my current fics that are a hell of a'lot better than this. Finding people who have the time and patients to help patch my stuff up is hard, but it doesn't stop me from posting new content.