The Sparkling

by Dash Attack

Madness Takes It's Toll

Day 1

The next morning Pinkie Pie made everypony pancakes. Almost everypony came when Pinky knocked on each ponies room. Down in the ballroom, they all sat together talking about the intense game of Ponopoly they played. They all laughed and giggled, all except a certain purple unicorn.

Twilght worked until almost 2:00 clock in the morning before retiring to her room. She wanted to work straight through the night, but eventually her body became to weary to write or think. Despite her fatigue, it made her happy to see her friend's smiling faces.

"Im glad eveyrpony enjoyed themselves last night." said Twilight. "I am sorry I didn't join the game last night girls."

"Don't sweat it Twilight,"replied Rainbow Dash, "Just try not to make a habit of disappearing all winter."

"I,ll try my best not to, but Im not making any promises. Anyway I better get back to work on my essay. If anypony needs me I will be in the lounge."

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One Month Later

Spike sped through the hallsl of the Overhoof in the tri-cycle that Twilight had given him last Hearts Warming Eve. Turn after turn, Spike road his Trike through one hall to the next. After fishing one last turn, his Trike came to a halt. Spike turned his head to gaze at the ominous Room 237.

Why did he stop hear? Curiocity soon overtook him as he thought about Zacks warnings about the room. A struggle between his fear and curiosity began to stir inside him. He sat silently on his tri-cycle, staring at the door, until finally curiosity won the battle.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a quick peak inside." thought the purple dragon

He slowly lifted his tiny body up from the plastic vehicle and approached the door. Lifting up his tiny arms, he slowly reached out for the doorknob. Finally his claws touched the metal knob, and he began to turn it. However, the door would not open. "Darn, I should have known it was locked." he thought to himself.

After letting go of the door knob, an image flashed through his mind. The image was of two little blue earth ponies standing in the hall. Like most of his visions, the image appeared for only a few seconds until it faded from his mind. Without giving the vision much thought, he quickly got back on his trike and began pedaling.

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Outside Rainbow and Applejack were getting ready to explore the hedge maze together. The two ponys made h a bet on who could beat the other pony to the exit once they reached the center of the maze. Whoever reached the end of the maze first would receive the first slice of cake at Pinky Pies next party. To make things even, Rainbow dash was forbidden to use her wings while in the maze.

"Ah hope your ready for this sugercube.", replied the orange mare.

"I was born ready.", replied Dash as the two ponies ran into the green labrynth.

Meanwhile Twilght was throwing a bouncy ball against the wall of the of the lounge in frustration. Her quill lay beside a mostly black sheet of paper. She had not written a single thing in days. Why am I having such bad writers block, she thought to herself. As the day progressed, her frustration grew. She began to throw the ball more violantly.

Eventullay she stopped to state a minature model of the hedge maze. She stood their gazing down at the green walls. She became mezmorized in the model and for a moment thought she could see a blue and orange dot wandering inside.

As Applejack neared the center of the maze, she got the strangest feeling that somepony was watching her from above. She looked up at the sky expecting to catch Rainbow Dash in the act of cheating, but the only thing she could see was Celestias blue sky. She shruged and continued moving forward. Any hesitation on her part meant that Rainbow Dash was one step closer finding her way out. With that she pressed forward, but the feeling never went away.

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Tuesday

Sounds of Twilight's pen strokes echoed through the lounge as Fluttershy came in from the far side of the room. She did not take notice until Fluttershy was two feet infront of her. Nevertheless, as soon she noticed her, she quickly lifted the paper and put it into and placed it on the far side of the desk. She then turned to gaze her the yellow mare.

"Hi" she said in a tone that gave no indication of her mood.

"Oh, hi Twilight." replied Fluttershy in a very cheerful voice. "Have you gotten a lot written today."

"Yes." Send in the same monotoned voice.

"That's great news Twilight. Rainbow Dash checked the clouds today and says it's going to snow tonight."

With a black stare in her eyes Twilight sat there and said "What do you expect me to do about that, Im not a weather pony."

"Now Twillight I know your really busy with you work, but thats no excuse for being so grouchy"

"Im not being grouchy I just want to finish my work" She said in a more frustrated tone.

Fluttershy posed for a moment and then spoke up with a friendly and sincerer smile on her face

"I understand Twillight, I,ll come back later with some of Pikey Pie's Cupcakes. Maybe then you can let me see what you've written. That is um... if you don't mind Twilight."

Despite Fluttershys polite offer, Twillights overwhemling frustration remained.

"Let me explain something to you Fluttershy. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you're breaking my concentration. You're distracting me," She then tore her paper with her magic while still gazing at her friend. and it will then take me time to get back to where I was. Do you understand that."

Taken off gaurd by Twilights rage, the only thing Fluttershy could do was nod in agreement. Was her work really that stressfull?

"Fine. I'm gonna make a new rule. Whenever I'm in here, and you or the others hear me writing,". Slowly she started jabbing her pen onto a black piece of paper all while staring at Fluttershy with an insane grin. "Whether you don't hear me typing, whatever the buck you hear me doing in here, when I'm in here, that means that I am working. That means don't come in. Now do you think you and everypony else can handle that?

Again, the only thing Fluttershy could do was nod in agreement.

"Perfect, you can start by getting the buck out of hear."

Fluttershy slowly flew away, tears dripping across her face as she did. She did not utter a single word for the rest of the day. Out of all the ponies Twillight could have hurt by her words, none of them would have been as heart broken as Fluttershy. The young pegusus spent the rest of the day crying in hedge maze where she felt safe. As she did, twilight continued to work without any sense of guilt or pity. After all, the bitch was asking for it.

AN: Whoh, dark turn. I hope this doesn't piss anyone off. I hope I don't lose fans from this. Remember this is a story about a gradual decent into madness. I won't be able to update the story for a while do to my studies. Until next time I hope you enjoyed the read. Stay tuned because we have more iconic scenes to make 20% cooler.

Comments

[Drake2010]

Right now, I'm going to have to admit that this needs some work. It jumps around way too erratically and there are punctuation problems.

[Dash Attack]

325069 I'm trying to mirror the original script so nothing happens out of sequence. The jumping will slow down eventually. As for the punctuations. I will keep my eye out for them.

[Brony_Fife]

325175
Mirroring the original script? OK, that there is a problem.
I understand you're trying to cross over two IPs, My Little Pony and The Shining. But the thing is, if you're going to mirror the original script, then you are in serious danger of just retelling the same story with different characters.

Please don't do this. It's an amateurish mistake, and you're capable of producing something far better. I don't mind that it's My Little Pony characters staying in the Overhoof. I don't mind if it's really more of a parody of The Shining. Just don't retell the same story.

As for the jumpy scenes, yes, it's noticeably jarring. If you're shooting for showing Twilight Sparkle slowly losing her mind... again... you could do so by having several scenes where she is slightly less pleasant in each one. Showing a subtle loss of sanity at a time is more effective. Simply jumping from "I'm sorry" to one month later doesn't do the job.

You also don't hang on any of the scenes long enough for the reader to care. We see AJ and Dash about to run a race... but we don't get to see the race itself. It's obvious foreshadowing to a future scene in which one of them is trying to get through the maze, so we ought to get more acquainted with the maze.

If you can fix these issues, along with the spelling and sentence structure, you could greatly improve your fic.
<(KEEP TRY)

[TellMe_TellMe]

Hello, hun.

I'm not going to add too much more in the ways of criticism because it seems that Brony_Fife has you well covered in that department, and I don't want to mirror that advice.

However, I would like to say two things: firstly, keep going, and keep trying. You will only get better the more you work at it, and you'll improve so much more if you both listen to those who want to help and support you and ignore anyone who is trying to drag you down. Secondly, I recommend perhaps sending your draft to someone you trust who also writes to help look for errors before you put up your chapters. Between two people looking it over, you'll have a lot less errors than if you just look it over on your own if this is an area you struggle in.

Don't give up!

[Dash Attack]

325229 again thank you for looking out for my story. I will try to pay homage to the scenes on my own way. My inspiration for this story came from a retelling of Death Note With MLP characters that basically told the same story. I am going to use the script for inspiration for key scenes in the story ex- "Here's Journey". While doing so I hope to take advantage of the expanded cast of characters. Twillights outburst at Fluttershy going to be more important than it was in the movie because she is so sensativity.

[TwinkieSpy]

Crossing over FiM with one of my favorite authors ever?! Awesome.

Now all we need is an "It" crossover and my life will be complete.

[Dash Attack]

326492 I have only scean part 2 of that movie. Hopfully someday someone will make that happen.

[Traveler7]

An It crossover would be.... Interesting. Just curious, are we doing original movie Shining, book Shining, or miniseries Shining? ...And, for the It crossover, who would Twilight be? Probably Bill. Though, thinking a bit more, Mike would work good as well, being as he stayed in the town, worked at the library, kept the lighthouse, etc.

[Dash Attack]

364562 I never read the book or seen the min-series. I do have a copy of it at home but I never read it. What you are seeing is based off the original movie. Twilight is Jack. You seem to be an expert on all the versions of the story. I won't be updating till after I finished with this semester, so feel free to make suggestions on what should happen next.

[Dash Attack]

I notice that the number of people tracking the story is continuing to drop. I am sorry for the lack of updates, but I don't have time because of school. I hope that the rest of you guys stay tuned until about may when I can start working again. Writing this story as been a lot of fun. I want to thank all of you who have stuck with me since the first chapter. I also want Brony_Fife for constantly giving me feedback. Hopefully the next Chapter entiled Fluttercry will be worth the weight.

[pinkie pie2]

yay yay yay yay