One night, Twilight and Spike venture into the Everfree forest to retrieve herbs that only appear during the night. Unfortunately, an accident ensues between the two that costs Twilight her life. Spike must now cope with the fact that his best friend is gone from his life, while keeping the secret of what caused her death a secret from everypony he knows, including Applebloom, who he sees as somepony more than a friend.
Was originally for the first Write Off Contest, re-uploaded for archiving purposes.
Image by: http://freakin-ninja.deviantart.com/
Chapters (1)
This story is a little sketchy on story telling. You can help make my next story better by telling me what I did wrong, so I don't make the same mistakes for my next story. Thank you!
Sounds too sad, cannot read.
Sad fic, but the story telling was very good, and the ending was well written too. Great job overall, keep writing.
I will read it. It sounds interesting.
so sad
Don't want to read
Any Spike outliving Twi fic makes me bawl like Fluttershy
I wanted to cry and I almost did when Twi died. But no tears come. Darnit! My little Dashie have made so I can't cry until I read a story whit more sorrow then it.
This is going wery god and I felt like I saw it whit my own eyes. It was the same whit My little Dashie.
You get heartbrocken but you know it will get better. It was not his fault, but it still is fore him. This situation sonds like Blakcjack's from Falout Equestria: Project Horizone.
I give this 5 stars and five hearts
You can hope it will come more.
I read the story of yours "Midnight Loss" and have made a tribute to Twilight... Since She's a magic User, I think this will fit her best... Here's a Music for her Funeral... if its possible for you to imagine this playing while in her funeral bed...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D1smUDG00k
Good job of making me cry...
Another sad Music, for another sad Story http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX5m6J0fZvw&feature=related
A sad story, I can agree with that. My eyes began to water up.
Personally, I liked it up to the point of the ending. The train leaving the train station without the conductor not noticing the riot didn't make sense. The very ending could be different. But that's my opinion.
Nevertheless, it was a very good story. I liked the story as well. Still a five-star story.
298121
Wow! I hadn't even thought about the conductor thing. That's a good point. Thank you.
Also, I like how I get a bunch of tracking for this story even though it's a completed story. Thank you everyone. While I was up half the night with a cold I had no idea this story would get so many people reading it during the night.
A beautifully sad story. Very well executed.
Very very well executed sad story...
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That was sad i did not shed tears but i would love a sequel but idk thats up too you
298337
I had thought about a sequel, but most likely not. I don't know. It'd depend on the demand for it. I did leave it slightly open, but I've always been a bit weary of sequels. A lot of them never turn out very good in my opinion. ESPECIALLY movie sequels. Ew. Although, the story of Sky Crash will be uploaded here in a couple of days. Guess that's a prequel, even if unrelated to this story in a direct manor.
I just have a hard time believing they all would turn on him, for something that was clearly an accident. Though some thinking he's to dangerous to have around I could see, possibly.
Sequel, dammit.
Perfect story. Brought me some unwanted memories, but I surely won't hate it for that. You couldn't have written it better.
I usually don't read these kind of stoories, but the way it all feels; it kind of has a dark glow to it. What I mean is that it feels way to ephemeral and surreal, almost like it needs to said if only for the sake of telling it. It is ind of surprising that luna had no knowledge of the incident. Maybe there is something that we don't yet know. This could be grounds for a sequel, but other than that good job
(PS If you read the beginning while listening to a Daisy in Winter, it makes it twice as sad)
298633
You'd be surprised. I've watched enough murder mystery shows and read enough books to figure out that people a lot of people will look immediately to the pessimistic side of an action. Spike never told anypony except Applebloom what had happened, so everyone could assume the worst, and they did. The fact that Spike didn't tell anypony makes him even more suspicious. If he had gotten time to tell the story, I'm sure some of the residents of Ponyville wouldn't have believed him because of the reluctance he had to tell the story before he was in trouble.
298935
Possibly. Most likely not. But maybe.
299155
I'm sure I could have. I'm not too keen on the scene where Spike is confronted by the detective, as I thought I could have handled it better. The reason why I just don't go back and change it is because if I do that it's possible it wouldn't fit anymore with the story, and I'd have to rework a lot of things. Thank you for the kind words though, but a writer will always second guess themselves; it is how we improve.
299260
I didn't involve Luna because I felt that she didn't have enough of a relationship with Twilight to abandon her royal duties to go attend a funeral. Royal duties > funeral, a lot of the time. Celestia, however, had a strong bond with Twilight, and would probably drop everything she could to go attend the funeral. I don't know really, I hadn't really thought about it till now.
For the record, I listened to this while writing it: Yiruma: When the Love Falls
299559
You know, you could always write another version of it, if you feel like it. An alternative ending, perhaps.
299692
I have way too many projects for that. I have 3 stories I'm all almost done with. No time to rewrite this one. It ALMOST got featured tab. So close. It's an oh well sort of thing though. Next time.
Even if you don't make the sequel someone will. We know what happend whit My little Dashie thanks to it giving a chance fore a sequel.
305475
This story isn't NEARLY as popular. I mean, at all. No one will make a sequel. 0
You have leved many questions on what will happen to them now. I can realy feal a sequel coming.
im confused if applebloom wrote that story shouldn't applejack forgive spike...... (sorry im reading this as if im watching a movie) by the way excellent story make more if you can
310669
The story that Applebloom wrote is just stating what happens from a first person perspective with her own personal thoughts, but doesn't correlate to the fact that it's a confession from a witness, and being the type of pony that Applejack is, would have notified somepony about it. It's not a matter of forgiving Spike, but it's a matter of somepony has to know. That's the reason why she gave it to the detective. The reason why she chases Spike down I don't say directly. Applejack has no dialogue that gives an opinion either way of whether she forgave Spike or not. Maybe she just wanted to talk to him instead of trying to catch him and turn him over. The fact of the matter is that I don't state anything about Applejack's opinion.
312503 i was acting like it was as movie lol... when i get into a story or a movie i start to criticize what the characters do not what the righter wrights (its his/her story he/she gets to put what ever they want lol) but i just thought things would've turned out better if spike told someone what happened (in my oppinion though)
you should make a second part of this story more as an adventure type though as applebloom and spike try to run away from the detectives i think it would be awesome
312600
Well, I understand that, but I'm just justifying the actions that you're criticizing. Also, I don't think I'll be doing a sequel any time soon.
312631 darn.... have you made other stories... if so i would love to read them
313540 if you click on my name and go over to my profile you'll see a list of stories I currently have up. Also you can click the 'watch' button on my page to be notified whn I upload something new. Probably tomorrow or the day after I should have something else out.
I realy hope somepony can make a sequel. I can certainly not do that. It wuld more then likly be a bader then worst. I'm useless at english grama and spelling so you can count me out about doing one. But I realy hope somepony will make one.
341881
Bleh, I'll come up with SOMETHING I guess. But it'll be a while. I'm working on two really long fics. If those fics get enough attention that I get some more watchers then I'll rewrite this story (Since I didn't have anyone really pre-read it) and write a sequel for it. But that's ONLY if my other two stories do well. Which they probably won't. A sequel isn't out of the question, but I'm saying this now. If anyone's going to write a sequel, it shall be me.
I usually dislike when the narrator takes the role of another character, like this:
"Maybe it was because of the drastic turn of events that made him think so out of stress. Why was he thinking about that at the moment? He had to save Twilight!"
It happens a lot on your story. I won't say that it is a bad thing; only that I (how snob this Lucefudu guy is!) don't like it.
I don't get why Twilight managed to talk but not walk on her own; even being caught on fire. The adrenaline rush would me so immense, that she wouldn't feel the pain. But yes, this explains why she couldn't concentrate on her magic. Good play.
Judging by what happened to Twi, I'd say that she had most 3rd degree burns and some minor 2nd degree burns. Not enought to kill a human (much less a pony) right away. She would have, at least, lived enough to get to the hospital.
OHHHH, now I get it. She's dying because of her horn! But nonetheless, I don't think the fire would be hot enough to melt bone. Or cartillage.
"You’re the best assistant and brother in the world, Spike[...]"
I know that Spike loves the title of assistant; but maybe leave it off... it doesn't match the setting.
Spike seems unnaturally accepting of Twilight's death... I expected some "No!"s.
(Funny thought that just now occured to me; as a character dies, the author always seem to chronometrate its death to match its final speech. Gives the emotional punch, true; but not very beliavable.)
As Spike closes her lifeless eyes, I was expecting a little more emotion on his part. He just "hates" himself, but no good memories come? You could make the god memories surface and then you'd have a base for Spike to hate himself, seeing that he was the one who ended her life.
Ok, Ok. We know that Spike is sad and all, but you need to show us that, not tell us that.
"If there was one good thing that happened the other night, it was certainly gaining the knowledge that existed on his arm." I know why you wrote this. But this statement seems to... lower the 'value' of Twilight's death. As in, like, she died but everything is fine because Spike got rid of that stain.
The funeral scene is kind of lacking. I expected more from Twilight's friends.
You need something to mark the difference of days: When she was buried X "Everypony were going about their daily lives", in which "He decided to pay Sweet Apple Acres a visit[...]".
"Hey, Applejack!” Spike said, putting on a smile. She smiled back, and he knew that she was putting on a smile for him. He thought that maybe Applejack thought he was just putting on a smile as well. It was true, of course." Reduntant, Twilight was just buried; we know that those are fake smiles.
"Sweetie Belle asked. “You haven’t gone crusading with us in a long while." WHAT AN EGOTYSTICAL BITCH SWEETIE BELLE IS! HIS HALF-SISTER JUST DIED, AND ALL SHE CARES ABOUT IS CRUSADING?!
Also: I don't know if it was Spike's intention to grab Applebloom's attention or not, but I don't think he'd walk all the way to Sweet Apple Acres, go to the Crusaders' Clubhouse just to tell them that he has errands to run. You must think of some better excuse for him to snatch Applebloom; maybe make her blatantly ask if she can talk to him.
I liked how you made Applebloom's letter less elaborate than the narattor; she is a filly, after all.
I would voice my concerns about Applebloom and Spike's love; but it really doesn't feel forced. It feels like one of those childhood crushes. Simple and enjoyable.
"It’s The Elements of Harmony"
You forgot : A Reference Guide.
"Applebloom? What do ya’ mean, Applebloom?! It’s too dangerous!”
I know that AJ's element is Honesty; but DAMN, she does a good Cap. Obvious impersonation.
Plot-Wise: Original and entertaining; 3.5/5
Writing-Wise: Some parts could've been thought out a little better; 2.5/5
Description-Wise: Some parts need some small tending; 4/5
Grammar-Wise: Nothing to say; 5/5
Ending: It suits a sugar-coated, soap opera-like story; but not this one. Read the paragraph below to understand; 2.5/5
Last opinion: I know that this was meant for the Write-Off, so you couldn't expand such idea further inside a 10k word story. But if you're willing to work on this once more, giving each part their turn to breathe, it might come out as a masterpiece.
343029 Ah son of a gun, I worte a whole reply to this but it never showed up. Here i go again.
I don't think I've ever recieved a more in depth analysis of a story before, and I'm truly grateful for it. A big issue of it was time constraints, and I didn't have a lot of time to check over a lot of stuff like the believability of the death. The reason why I seemed pretty personal with Spike was because I was attempting a more in depth limited third person perspective, but it could have been handled better I completely agree.
The reason why Spike goes to Sweet Apple Acres is because he's so depressed he just wants to talk to the crusaders to get his mind off of it all, but seeing as they're busy he just goes, Applebloom following along. I should have explained it better. The other stuff I don't have a lot of excuses or explanations for. I took out a lot of detail in scenes for the sake of lenght, and if I had it still in there I'm sure at least a quarter of your complaints would be non-existant. I tried my best not to force any strong shipping between them. You're right, it's a harmless childhood crush sort of shipping, which is exactly what I was going for.
I want to thank you again for the review. Considering I didn't have a pre-reader though I'd say I did pretty good. I knew there was things that needed to be adressed and I'm glad you did adress them. Now i know, and knowing is half the battle. (G.I. JOE!... *Cough*) Would you be willing to pre-read for the first chapter of my upcoming story? With your critiquing skill I would truly be grateful.
343137 Yes I can pre-read it for you. But since I'll be mighty busy, don't expect to have it done so soon (Friday at least).
And yes, considering that you don't have an editor, you did a damn pretty good job.
Now that you know that I'm not that incompetent for posting a story like that, what do you think its behind it?
343206 Well, I was looking at your writing style and the overall way you write. I asked myself why someone who obviously had SOME kind of skill and comprehension of story flow would write something like that. Either you're making fun of HiE stories in general or you're just giving people something to go 'The heck?' about.
343233 A bit of column A, a bit of column B; but mostly column C.
That was an experiment on my part; to 'measure' quality X popularity of a fanfic. The conclusion came out as I expected it to be; most popular fanfics are the dull ones.
People nowadays don't like to think; hence why sappy, lovey dovey, straightforward stories are the most popular while well-thought, deeply intricate stories are left to rot in the shadows.
343249
Someone who gets it. That's why my friend keeps telling me to write all these stories about Pinkie Pie dating Twilight or what not to get featured and I just say no because what he suggests as a premise will inevitably be without any true depth. There's stories I keep reading that are really good and make you really think, but people don't want to read those. People don't want to think. They don't want to be introduced to something new or radiacal. They just want a dull played out story that's straight to the punch line. I completely agree with you. 100%
343285 I look forward to read more from you. You've given me more than enough reason for me to watch you.
> inb4 stalker!
342682
Why re-write it? I did not see anything wrong in it. But I'm awful at english spelling an grama so my opinion maybe will not mean so much.
345024
Well I already knew there was a alot of problems with it, and Lucefudu was kind enough to point a lot of them out for me, if you look at his long post. Also, just read a lot and your spelling and grammar will naturally improve. Plus reading is fun.
345285
I can't say no to the last two things. My newer chapter's is fixed by one that is realy a good writer. He get's them 120% more awsome. I only write my chapter then he fix it and it is much better then what I did but it is still what I have made. Only more detailed, whit no grama or spelling fails and also a bit better and easyer to understand.
But my story has elements of battel so I must also learn military tactic.
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I just read his long comment and I realy get much wrong whit forgeting time sometimes. Or missing a e in Sweetie Belle. The last e is not mentioned when you hear the name so if you only hear it you can easy miss it. It forgot about it. I am swedish and I hate when words that have a e in the end that is never heard comes up. I get a bit frustrated when i get that wrong. But it is not to bad.
I can agree whit him about Sweetie Belle caring about crusading when a friend to her sister or co-crusader have died. But she realy wants here cutimark and don't wana let sadness push it down.
And explaining more? I felt Spike's sorrow and pain and self hate and more as if I was him! I culd see it all in front of me. But I culd not cry :( I hate My little Dashie for stealing that ability from me.
I can realy go into a story and understand it. But that must be becurse I'm an gamer.
And I think I got of trak in my comment somewhere.
Best.fic.ever. You.F****ing.genius.
I just got done reading our last goodbye, so I can't take anymore of this tonight...this is getting saved for tomorrow
damnit dude...why do you have to do this to us...
Oh man, I really liked this.