Once an entertainer, joyous and kind, a woman whos love was his and his had hers, happy ends ensured...
Happiness ended in rain and blood, her body in his arms, cold and red, end of the entertainer, joyous and kind...
Awaken the entertainer of horrors and fear, joyous still, but frightful to hear, kindness in the smile, but hides true intentions, wicked and twisted, last thing you'll see...
Beware the man who sings about the scarecrow king and his court, for all he brings is madness and death...
'run and hide, run and hide, the scarecrow king is comming to night...' tale of Mothran the mad.
A soul, broken thrice to save itself, broken thrice to kill itself, broken thrice to give life to three of one, one shard of madness, one shard of anger and one shard of the emptyness within.
Can there be forgiven for the sins commited by one if your the twisted, fractured shards of the soul commiting the sins? or are you domed either way...
I'll start by saying that you're story isn't bad, it just... doesn't draw the reader enough. First you need to find a better picture to draw the reader's eye when it's on the front page - something with a cute filly would be appropriate. Second, you need to rethink your synopsis, asking questions is nice, but you need something to peek the reader's interest. Third, submit this to some groups so some more people will actually see it. Forth, unfortunately I think you need to re-think your opening scene. In something visual like an anime you could get away with it, but with just text, you need to write more imagery make it more visceral. Stream of consciousness is a pretty difficult thing to pull off so don't feel too bad about that. That and, I know it's trying to be cryptic, but that's kind of the problem, it doesn't give me any real reason to care about the protagonist.
All that said, you're writing style once I actually got to reading the first chapter is actually quite good, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
edit: and it's an 'IV drip', not an 'IV drop'. A real nurse would probably call it a 'cannula' but then no-one would know what she was talking about.
Let's see, how may times can I use the word sin?
3738348 I don't know, how many times can you use the word sin?
3738348 and may I ask how you came upon my little story?
3738608
3738348
I noticed when I was editing chapter 2 that you have a tendency to replace the word 'since' with 'sins'. While they sound similar they have very different meanings. Since English isn't your first language I can see how you'd make that mistake.
3740608 *looks it over... then headdesk* allways something one misses...
3740608 Well I've gone over all the chapters (all two of them) just to be sure... the 'sins' in chapter 1 are no more, thank again!
Hey, can I be your editor?
4528713 If you want, then why not.
4528720
Great! When do I start?
4530720 as soon as I have another chapter
...I might have something else for you to edit though, I'll send you a link a bit later on.