Warning: cute story with singular dark chapter.
Idea provided by Arcum42. Set in between Season 2 and 3. Apparently really cute, but still too dark to not come with a warning. Comedy tag added for comedic dialogues, situations are slightly more on the comedy side than SoL. Tagging's confusing for this one, so tread carefully.
Trigger warning: mind control, alcohol use by minors, mental abuse, mostly concentrated in one chapter.
Octavia is a mare of refinement, calm, and organisation. She enjoys Ponyville life with Vinyl Scratch, and Vinyl's niece, Scootaloo. She sets boundaries, rules and safety measures that ensure all that creative energy is not spent on self-destructive behaviour, and so far her overly energetic housemate has followed these rules to the letter. Oh, and Scootaloo listens most of the time, too.
So when it is decided the next sleepover will be at Scootaloo's place, Octavia is keen to prove she can succeed where other adults have failed, namely to have a night with the Cutie Mark Crusaders and not have her sanity driven to its breaking point or any pieces of furniture broken beyond repair.
This can only end well.
If you like this story, you might want to check out this blog, too, for two stories I got involved in.
Definitely a... unique story, to say the least. Certainly something you wouldn't really expect ever... and that's why I like it! I think you captured the characters adequately and I hope to read more soon.
3/5 Cups of tea.
I abide it gently, like a lover caressing your cheek.
Good story, interesting concept, and I like the way you portray Octavia. The only problem I can see is that you keep getting Octavia's colour wrong. She's grey, not brown.
3429291
Hmm, thanks for pointing that out. I'm pretty sure I avoid that mistake in later chapters, though. I'll get right to fixing it.
Edit: you know, it's times like this I'm really thankful for the Ctrl-F hotkey. Both chapters checked and fixed.
3429125 interesting Story rating you have there.
Well, liking it so far. Octy's handled well, and there's no way she's prepared for this sleepover.
And of course Scootaloo will occasionally get chocolate milk.
This is with mature content turned off, but:
imageshack.us/a/img716/3366/0src.png
And now it's featured with mature on:
imageshack.us/a/img132/5672/pzq.png
I was dubious at first, but reading these two chapters... I like it. I like how you portray Octavia here. Arrogant, yet caring. Haughty yet respectful. Not prone to anger, keeps to calmness in situations and is friendly to anypony she has a conversation with. Wow. You can see that Canterlot Elite attitude but only just. She knows who she is talking to, she knows that that attitude won't cut it in Ponyville and she certainly doesn't cling to pride or some position she's got.
Kudos to you, man. You deserve it.
I'm looking forward to read more of this and I can't wait to see how her personality reacts to all three of the girls staying over for the weekend.
3429893>>3430098
Gosh, well... I think that thing is just broken, really. Trust me, come chapter four, the downvotes will come pouring in.
3430115
Thanks very much. I'll say it again, though: the prologue was originally a story on its own, inspired by something Arcum42 mentioned. I have several stories where the headcanon is that Scootaloo lives with Vinyl Scratch (it explains a few things we saw on the show), but then by extension she'd be living with Octavia, too, if going by fanon. Likewise, I've got several explanations as to why Scootaloo can't fly, and I can't start the story without setting the scene, so there's that.
And yeah, I like my characters to have likeable and unlikeable traits, it's how they are on the show. Octavia here... she's either what Rarity would be if she'd actually been born and raised in Canterlot, or she's what Twilight would be if she were proper upper class and raised to be that haughty. That doesn't mean she's bad at heart, though. You'd have to draw that conclusion from some other stuff
.
She's no Marry Poppins, though. Expect some tense moments. And expect to hate me when chapter 4 rolls around.
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Ah, one of the hardest learned lessons around these parts. Of course, I overdid setting the scene once, so that can happen, too.
Scootaloo as Vinyl's niece? I adore it. New headcanon adopted! Until Hasbro ruins it, anyway.
Carry on with your good works, sire!
My only, and mild, complaint, would be the lonely dialogue paragraphs. Dialogue without narrative can be confusing, and is always far more bland than dialogue with narrative. Please don't skip those opportunities to breath life into your creations.
3430254
On the reason why Vinyl could be related to Scootaloo: I was asked about this before, and I made a list. It basically boiled down to 'How did the CMC get a song recorded in such a short amount of time?' and 'How does Scootaloo know what a rock ballad is?'
Just consider that second one for a moment. Kids that age do not learn about rock on their own. That's the sort of thing parental figures introduce to them. Also, the CMC were in Canterlot for the wedding, but who was watching them all that time? Not one of the Mane Six, it's established they were too busy. One of the foals' parents? We never see them in the background. Big Mac? Possibly. Who else was there at the wedding?
On the lonely dialogues: well, I was told to reduce the number of speech attributions, so on occasion I will just put in a phrase of dialogue where nothing 'happens'. It's a tradeoff, and I vary that depending on the story. This story's finished, just you know, but I might do some last-minute editing as I upload the other chapters. I'll keep an eye out for it.
I saw the title in caps lock and had to post this:
i.qkme.me/3ozf5i.jpg
Just to let u know Berry's duaghters name is berry pinch
Like this a lot so far. Some very nice explanations for Scootaloo's predicament. Much better than the usual "Her parent were murdered and raped in front of her eyes and she spent the night with the bodies. Now she lives in an orphanage run by pony Hitler and she'll never fly because she has super cancer in both wings!"
My second impression of Octavia isn't much better than the first, I'm afraid. The personality issues that made me dislike her in the first bit were lighter here, but... well, I think the narration rather counteracted any improvements, there.It seems like the other characters just got abruptly dumber, just so that they would ask stupid questions that Octavia could lecture them on through most of the chapter. It's kind of the same issue that Empathy had, and which cropped up in the end of Changeling Blood. The chapter is mostly just a single character expositing information, and the other characters seem to exist primarily to prompt the exposition, even if that means their behavior seems rather strained in order to do so. It feels to me that they're less like individuals and characters, and more like simple plot devices.
3430367
Thanks for the input, but I was aware of that. Berry Punch's unofficial 'daughter' is named Berry Pinch. Her (presumed official) little sister, the one she did the Sisterhooves Social with, is named Piña Colada. You can see her here:
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120508174037/mlp/images/thumb/7/7b/Berryshine_and_Pi%C3%B1a_Colada_finishing_the_race_S2E5.png/640px-Berryshine_and_Pi%C3%B1a_Colada_finishing_the_race_S2E5.png
You're thinking of the filly Berry Punch pulls into the house in 'Bridle Gossip'. That one is referred to as Berry Pinch, but the family relation isn't as firmly stated, it's just a resemblance. Piña's a different character and a more canonically related one.
Hope that cleared things up.
3430386
I... really? That's a thing? Well, you'll be pleased to know this isn't the first time I use this headcanon. Flight Camp, the Quorum Sensing universe as well as the Faux Pas-verse use the same logic and I think even the same family relation, but there it's mentioned as an aside, not used as a main plot point. Plus, it explains a few things (where did Scootaloo find a piano so fast?). I think the only Scootaloo stories I have that don't are Empathy (her mom is a weaponsmith for the Royal Guard, a reference to the idea her dad is a Royal Guardspony on mission) and Upside to Your Backside, but there her mom doesn't show up in the actual story. She's just a plot point in the sequel, at least the concept of it.
I'd only make Scootaloo an orphan if I could find a good, original angle for it, and so far none have come up.
3430475
Yeah, it's something I'm working on. I know I tend to do that a lot, I even wrote a fic entirely for the purpose of practising it. But yeah, it's either that or leaving the reader in the dark about it. Not much I can do to fix it now.
I like how Scoots is normal in this one. Not the whole orphan/abuse/cripple route. She has a few medical issues and she is fine and dealing with it in a mature manner.
Let's see if Octy can handle three kids at once. Also, bad Vinyl, bad.
I died.
I have to admit you have made one of the best explanations as to why Scootaloo can't fly, and where her parents are. Orphanloo gets so damn tiresome, I can't wait till S4, maybe just maybe we will get a Scootafamily episode.
That line at the end made me laugh out loud! Poor Vinyl!
I'm very much enjoying this fic. It makes a surprising amount of sense for never having been done before (as far as I know). Scootaloo is a well-adjusted kid because her guardians are loving but stern, and Octavia and Vinyl satisfy one another without being tied down and forced to neglect their respective careers. The headcanon around Scootaloo's unique medical circumstances are very well thought out as well; most authors just gloss over it or name some poorly explained BS disease.
Oh, this seems fun.
That last line of chapter one made my day.
Everyone grab the popcorn...
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/295/561/d99
Despite a few grammar errors (missing words) I shall favourite this and await more. Also, snarky Tavi is best Tavi.
Oh ho ho. This looks fun!
"I can Promise that we are 100% not together"
But you live together.
"Yes"
And you share a bed.
"Also yes"
And you have sex!
"Again yes"
.
..
...
You're in denial Octy
“You smell just like your aunt did when I first her.”
I think you mean "first met her."
Also, I'm not sure Octavia's explanation of what happened matches up with the story Octavia was told. Sure, she could be accounting for the CMC's point of view, but that doesn't explain how she knew about the "table beer" vs. the hard lemonade.
Still, an entertaining read. Practice makes perfect, so I hope you keep it up!
My only complaint about this story is that the prologue and the first chapter don't seem to tie together very well. I'm not talking about the tonal shift, that was necessary. I just mean that at the end of the prologue Octavia is saying to Scootaloo about having a talk with Rarity and Applejack about it later, but in the talk in the first chapter that incedent doesn't even come up. I thought they should have talked about that first before moving on to discussing what they did. I wouldn't have to be much, just a quick explaination to eachother about why they behaved the way they did, possibly some apologies and move on, simple. Anyway I like the Scootaloo not flying explaination, it means she'll grow up to be a beautiful mare.
Your interpretations of Tavi and Scootaloo are awesome.
3432447
Piña Colada says she thought the beer was meant for them, but they drank the lemonade because they thought 'beer bad'. Octavia concludes from that that the beer was non-alcoholic and safe, rather than a mistake on Berry's part. The mistake the girls made was not listening to Piña. The mistake Berry made was not introducing Piña to table beer earlier. It's explained later on that Octavia really does know her way around alcohol, she's well aware these things exist. And again: the prologue started off as a separate story altogether for a prompt. I felt it didn't merit being submitted as a separate story, and adding it here saved me even more exposition in the next chapter, so I just threw it in here.
As for not mentioning the incident... I'm sure there was one mention of it, but nothing too overt. It might be due to negligence on my part, but I'd be lying if I said it bothers me. The CMC get up to all sorts of things in the show, and they continue to get in trouble without the adults supervising them. At this point, I think the general attitude is 'stuff happens, they'll learn eventually', and apologies among ponies are implied rather than spoken out (again, something I feel is pretty close to the show).
3431017>>3432219>>3432447
I tend to edit like crazy, but obviously I don't catch all errors. Mostly I just glance over things a long time after posting, that's when it's all fresh enough to notice. When you catch one, feel free to comment on it, I do not mind and usually I'll fix it immediately. Please note that I use British spelling, though, not American. I've had that remark before. I do use a spellchecker in Word, it's just not set to American English.
3430989
). If you want another fic with Octaloo, I can recommend Just Winging It by Arcum42. This story is actually based on an offhanded remark he had on my Flight Camp fic, and his story is all about Scootaloo trying to overcome a handicap with no certainties at all. It's also the only Orphanloo fic I've read so far, and it didn't put me off the story as a whole. So this has been done before, this thing just won at the slot machine 
.
Actually, I had this family tie established in my Flight Camp fic, but it was in the background there, more to frame Scootaloo's situation than anything else. It's my default explanation for Scootaloo, but the nature of her condition varies and usually I have to point out she's not an orphan just because she's in the story (thanks very much, fandom cliché
Also, a general remark to everyone about the exposition: this is part and parcel to my default writing style. All my stories will have scenes that are laden with exposition, unless I set out to do otherwise in the concept stage. If you have suggestions to make this exposition more tolerable in future stories, I'm all ears, really. I wrote Passiflora's Plight with the sole intent of writing something that's nearly all exposition, but still makes the reader care about it in some respect. I use every trick I can to get away with it, and do my best to keep it justified. I'm a very concept-oriented writer, I have to clearly show what the rules are in the story and most of the time I can't do that without resorting to that type of scene. Most of the time
.
If I write something that doesn't have this element in it, it's because I made an effort not to do it. I put that restriction on it in the concept stage then. This story has it in droves, and Octavia will do a lot of talking. The reason she does, incidentally, is implied later on, but not spelled out. I could add it spelled out if it really bothers people, though, I'd just rather not to keep the tell within some limits.
That said, if the critique boils down to 'the exposition ruins it', I can't do much with that. I know this is a weak point, I try to do it to the best of my abilities. But there's 'this story can be improved' and there's 'this story shouldn't have been written like that, it should have been a different story'.
Anyway, more is on the way, updates will be regular.
This story is shaping up to be amazing. Your theories, ideas, and Octavia's explanations are simply brilliant.
Two chapters, and right now this is at least my second-favorite of both CMC and Vinyl/Octavia stories.
Now I can only hope that this story won't be forgotten among all the others you seem to have. Either way, you deserve a Like and a Follow for this.
3433225
).
Umm... I'm actually publishing now because it's finished. The stories you should be worried about are the Quorum Sensing sequel (couple more chapters, any day now) and the TwiDash clopfic I promised (I'm shooting for the S4 opener, just to warp people's perceptions of Princess Twilight
Thanks for the vote of confidence, I hope I shall not disappoint.
Edit: oh, if you mean this story will turn into a B-lister fic... oddly enough, my flagship fics didn't get featured, aside from possibly Changeling Blood, but I don't have proof for that one. Most of the stories I'm attached to are not popular, and the popular stories, I'm not that attached to. And it'd be wrong of me to hate people for that.
The beauty of stories being online is that they're available for everyone to read and they don't get lost. Even if the stories I put more effort into are less popular, at least it draws attention to my profile and possibly to other works. Not every story has the same intended audience, not every intended audience is as big as the rest.
If this site has taught me anything, it's that stories still need to be marketed, which includes driving the right people away. People need to know whether any story is for them or not before they start reading. If a lot of people read the story and it's not for them, that'll get you downvotes. If a lot of people avoid the story because they know it's not for them, assuming they don't downvote out of spite (which some do), then you still wind up with a less-known story with a good relative score.
Ill have to look into that more closely
I think there's a very interesting story here, and I eagerly await the rest.
3433250
Oh, okay...
And I'm not even talking about your other stories I'll now have to take a look at... 
It's still tagged as Incomplete, so I thought... I guess you could take the last scene as some kind of closure. I hoped we would see some scene from the actual sleepover.
Oh well, not like I don't have more stories I want to read than is reasonable...
And yes, the internet is a weird place. My stories rarely get any downvotes so far, so I guess I should be proud; but it seems with every story I post they actually get less views. I thought my last one was promising, but (subtracting my own views and my prereaders) it got actually less views than I have followers,,,
It's starting to get just a tad annoying...
3433906
Let me explain it clearly: all the chapters are done and uploaded right now. They are simply not published yet. I intend to publish one chapter every two or three days, that way there's no pressure on me writing more. There are eight more chapters coming up, it will be marked 'complete' when the last one is up.
Remember what the book says:
Don't Panic.
3433027>>3430989
Thanks for hyping my fanfic. It's probably worth mentioning that there's another story I've read, No Longer Lost, that's about homeless!Scootaloo being taken in by Vinyl and Octavia.
To be honest, I don't tend to think of Just Winging It as that much of an Orphanloo fic, despite Scootaloo being an orphan, because it doesn't have a lot of the hallmarks of those. Typically Scootaloo is living on the streets or the clubhouse, fishing through trash, etc...
In Just Winging It, she was orphaned years ago, and there was probably less than 24 hours between her parents dying and her being taken in by her aunt.
Though Cubic Zirconia is technically orphanloo, and I know you were reading that...
3433956
Oh.
Ohhh...
That is... impressive. I don't think I could do that, holding off with publishing for that long.
Forget I said anything, then (except for the praise and stuff).
I'm not sure what I like better about this work; the actual story itself and the unique content we're presented with, or your explanations to help clarify what the readers have trouble interpreting. Either way this story is going in the favorites section.
(... Unless I missed something, Octavia had that entire conversation with Rarity, Applejack, and Cheerile, was informed of the fact that there would be a slumber party at her house, kept cool and did not reveal that she had not known, requested and learned information, then went home to erotically torture her lover, only to bring her from blissful anticipation into 'I'm in trouble' with one sentence. ... Arrogant or not, this Octavia is rather bad-flank.)
hmm this shows promise.
...you referenced activated charcoal.
I love
youthis already.You're really good at descriptions. just enough to keep me from scratching my head in confusion without being enough to be boring.
wish I knew how to get that right...
Fresh Scootaloo and Collected Octavia. What's not to love?
Scootaloo is related to Vinyl? AWESOME!
i did not expect that last bit
I expected clop.
Good story still.