Scootaloo eagerly munched down on the oats, her snout dribbling with milk once she was done. She licked it all off in one fell go, to which Octavia winced. “We really must do something about your eating and drinking habits, dear.”
Scootaloo looked around and wiped her muzzle with a napkin. “Umm… sorry? I didn’t make a mess, did I?”
Octavia inspected the kitchen table around the girl, before casually taking a sip of her tea. “No, but it’s still not a good habit for a filly to have.”
Scootaloo took her bowl off the table, as she always did, and put them in the dishwasher. Octavia noted the girl’s nervousness, the tiniest of tremors could be seen in her wings. “You know, this is the first time your friends will be coming over. You might want to consider freshening up a bit?”
“Why?” She looked herself over and sniffed under her pits to check.
“This is your home, darling. This is where you have the opportunity to make yourself as fresh and pretty as you like. It’s one thing to be a little messy after some exertion, but you wouldn’t want your friends to think you don’t make any effort at all, do you?” Octavia kept her voice steady, but her eyes bored into the filly.
Scootaloo suppressed a shiver. “Umm… okay. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do for that, though.”
Much to the girl’s surprise, Octavia cracked a smile. “I thought you might say that. That’s why I got you a little present.”
Scootaloo jumped up in excitement. “Really? What kind of present?”
Octavia got up from her seat with a little blue box in her hooves and pointed to the stairs. “You’ll want to see this in a full length mirror, darling.”
Excited, Scootaloo darted up and started jumping up and down in front of the mirror that was placed just to the left of the top of the stairs. Octavia slowly followed her, walking on her hind legs as she was used to. Scootaloo looked up in the mirror to the mare behind her. She looked so big, walking about on only her hind legs. She was big all around, really, but Scootaloo knew well enough it wasn’t due to any fat on her body. Octavia just had thick limbs and with her own experiences in watching athletes -- or acting like one – she could tell the mare hid a lot of strength behind her calm exterior. “Close your eyes, darling.”
With her jumping stopped, Scootaloo smiled and closed her eyes. She felt something go around her neck, something cold and metallic. It fit loosely, but once she heard the ‘click’ she knew it wouldn’t just fall off.
“Now open them.”
When Scootaloo opened her eyes, she did a double take. Octavia had gotten her a necklace, as she’d guessed, but not the kind of necklace she’d been expecting. A flexible metal strip went around her neck, the silver contrasted on her orange fur. The shine of the metal made her think it really was silver, but that just wasn’t possible. Octavia would never get her something that expensive, not even for her birthday.
Not because Octavia wouldn’t get her any presents, mind, but because Octavia knew that kind of present was mostly wasted on the girl. She’d be far happier with some CD’s, or even a book, if the topic was to her liking.
Although, if Scootaloo had to be perfectly frank, that necklace did look good on her. Right above her collarbone, a single black gem sat, a pure smoky quartz that seemed to radiate its blackness.
Scootaloo’s heart skipped a beat. Such a simple thing, just this one little thing, and she looked like a proper noblefilly. She could parade around with it in Canterlot, or she could show it off to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. She might wear it to some fancy work party her parents would take her to, or she might show it off to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Showing this thing off to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon sounded like a really good idea right now.
Scootaloo just kept on staring at the reflection. “Thank you. I don’t know what to say.”
Octavia smirked and reached into the blue box, fetching a small black remote. “That’s quite all right, darling. I’ll be telling you what to say from now on.”
Scootaloo wanted to turn around to ask what she meant by that, but her head wouldn’t turn. She tried to speak, but her tongue refused to move and her jaw wouldn’t obey her commands. She tried to walk, flap her wings, start blinking quickly to give any sort of signal something was wrong, but nothing came. She just stood there, frozen. The collar slowly tightened until it sat snugly against her fur. It held fast, and her body had become a statue.
What’s going on? Why can’t I move?
And why does that gem suddenly look purple, like my eyes?
Octavia flashed her a wicked grin. “Now follow me, dear, and be careful you don’t fall. You wouldn’t want to dislodge your control collar.”
Moving down the stairs, Scootaloo took stock of what was going on. She moved slowly, mechanically, exactly like Octavia commanded. On her own will, she couldn’t move anything in her body, no matter how frantically her thoughts rushed through her brain.
Octavia stood before the girl in the kitchen and grabbed a notepad from the box. She let her eyes wander over it and chuckled. “Oh, my, I really must do business with these fine gentlecolts again. They do think of everything.”
Scootaloo didn’t reply. She couldn’t respond. Octavia took a moment of reading to notice. “Right then, Scootaloo, what you are wearing is a control collar. It makes it so you cannot disobey any orders I give you. You’re more than welcome to try and resist its effects, but I think you’ll find this is quite impossible. Your body cannot fight its control, and your mind is trapped.”
Octavia took great care to read the note aloud. “Listen carefully and remember these things as the new truths of your life. From now on, you will be unable to speak of your collar in any situation. You will not be able to do anything that reveals its control, or even speak of anything related to the collar or my control over you. Whenever you are in sight or hearing range of another pony, or if I command it, you will act as your normal self would. You will be able to speak with others once I allow you, but you can only speak as if you were not wearing the collar and instead were acting normally. Any option you can think of to take it off or to communicate in any way what has happened to you will be impossible. Thinking about it will cause a sharp pain, like a lash made of ice whipping over your back, and even that pain you cannot show.”
Scootaloo screamed inside as her escape plans all yielded the sensation of lashes over her back that gave her frostbite. She couldn’t even grit her teeth or cry to show it.
Octavia kept her confident smirk up, still reading off of the note. “You also will not be able to call for help. You can no longer scream, unless a life is in direct danger. And even then, when any help arrives you will not be able to reveal the collar’s influence on you. You cannot remove the collar, you cannot even think about a way to remove the collar. It hurts to want to be free of its control. But you will be able to show what you are truly feeling when I command it so. I want you to show me how you are feeling, right now, with your voice reduced a whisper. Your face is free, the rest of you remains as is.”
Scootaloo gasped as the sharp pains shot through her body. She tried to scream, but her voice got stuck in a whisper. “O--ow. It hurts, it really hurts. W-why can’t I call for help? I want somepony to come and help me, why can’t I call?”
“Because I won’t allow it, darling. I have total control over you now, and you’re going to do exactly as I say. No more needing to adjust my schedule, no more having to wait for you to be out of the house to get some peace and quiet, it’ll be just perfect. And speaking of which, there’s one more thing I need to put in your head before we can call this a success.”
Scootaloo gulped.
Octavia put a small controller box on the floor, the remote. It had a set of buttons on it, as well as a dial. She read the note aloud again. “This is the master controller. It is the only thing that can release you. You will find it impossible to get closer to it without my command. You will simply stop whenever you are thinking of going near it, and then continue acting as your normal self, always keeping up the charade. And even if you do get close, you’ll find this object is scorching hot. When you try to reach for it, you will feel a heat. When you are a few inches off, you will feel agony. And by the time you are close enough to touch it, the searing pain will feel like your foreleg is incinerated, causing you to pass out before you can touch it. The same will happen whenever you try to get another object close to touch. The object will heat up the closer you get. You will drop anything you might use to get a grip on this remote, the pain will make sure of that. Is that clear?”
“Yes.” What? No. No, it’s not! No, please!
“Good girl. Don’t worry, I won’t be so magnanimous as to have you call me ‘mistress’, it’s not worth risking the suspicion. Still, let’s test how well you obey now. Walk towards the controller until you feel the heat, and extend your right front hoof towards it.”
Scootaloo winced as she did it. Her hoof extended towards the thing holding her captive, the imaginary heat already feeling quite painful.
Octavia grinned. “Put your hoof a little closer, dear.”
Despite herself, Scootaloo obeyed. It burned, hotter than anything she could remember. Little flashes of sunburn and walking over a hot beach on a summer’s day danced across her mind as she inched that hoof closer. “Please don’t. It hurts.”
The mare shook her head, clearly gauging the distance. “A little closer, still.”
“Aahhh…” she whimpered, tears flowing freely in agony. Her head swam, and her body went weak all over.
Octavia picked the thing up, and the pain subsided. She came closer with a paper tissue in her hoof. “There, that’s much better. Now, let me just clean up your tears. Show me a smile, darling, act casual.”
Scootaloo felt her face comply, the pain still at the back of her mind but her body unable to call out for help. Octavia cleaned off her tears. Just like that, there was no trace of the agony she’d just suffered at the hooves of the mare she’d been entrusted to.
“You are just perfect, Scootaloo. And now you’re going to walk out and head to Sugarcube Corner for me, and buy some donuts for breakfast.” Octavia put her purse with some bits on Scootaloo’s wing. “And you might as well get a little sweet treat, whichever one you feel like. With the commands now embedded in your head, along with the settings the gem is set to, you shouldn’t have any trouble acting normal. So, off you go, then.”
Scootaloo found herself bounding off with a smile on her face, the same sort of smile she’d wear if she knew she could get some sweets. She was still screaming inside, though.
“Oh, and one more thing,” Octavia called out. Scootaloo turned to look and saw her turn the dial, which made the collar produce an odd tingling sensation. “Just in case your mind wandered to it, that collar is invisible now. There will be nothing showing once you go outside. As far as the outside world is concerned, nothing is wrong with you. No one will help. No one will even know. Any questions?”
Scootaloo’s voice lowered to a whisper again, despite her best efforts. “Why?”
“Because I just can’t be bothered to have to keep my eye on you, dear. As much as I’ve learned to lie my way through Canterlot company, I don’t like sugar-coating your appalling behaviour. I had to spend the better part of an afternoon lying about you to ponies who, to me, seem rather decent. I do not intend to do that again if I can help it, but you leave me no choice. You’ve no respect for rules, you never listen to your elders and your parents are too busy compensating for leaving you in someone else’s care to give you the discipline you need. So I’m just cutting out the middle pony, really. Now, as you were.”
Just like that, she was out the door. Scootaloo didn’t look about as she donned her helmet, she just went about her usual business.
Before long, she was standing at the counter ordering donuts and a swan pastry, her favourite.
“Will that be everything, Scootaloo?” Mister Cake asked.
Help me. Please help me. Take this thing off, Octavia’s gone crazy.
I can’t move, please just take this thing off.
Pain shot through her. She’d swear she had a scar on her back by now as the whipping continued. Her back chilled and numbed, and her wings felt like they were shrivelling.
She was dying, her wings first, she was sure of it.
Pain. Pain’s good. I have to get more pain, make my face react. Come on, just reach up for it. Reach for the collar.
She thought of reaching up, but her legs didn’t move. She still felt the reaction, though. The burning cold on her back intensified. Fibre by fibre in her wing was struck by frostbite, before giving up and dying off.
Come on, just wince. Whimper, moan, groan, shed a tear, anything!
“Nope, that’s everything. Thanks, Mister Cake.” Scootaloo’s heart sank as she said it. Or it would have, if the iron grip of the collar would only allow it.
Her retreat home was sullen, at least in her mind. Her body, though, refused to show it. She was cut off, a prisoner in her own body.
Scootaloo got back and entered, right in view of several adults who’d no doubt save her in a heartbeat if she could only tell them what had happened. She jumped and nearly dropped the bag of treats when she saw the company. “Apple Bloom! Sweetie Belle! I thought you weren’t going to get here by noon.” She closed the door, not wanting to make a scene where anypony could hear.
“Octavia said we could come in. She had a present for us, see?” Apple Bloom pointed to the black gem currently around her neck.
Octavia smiled. “Indeed, and it looks fetching on you, doesn’t it? Scootaloo, what do you think? Doesn’t that look nice on your friends?”
No. Please, no. Take it off, get it off them!
“It looks great,” Scootaloo replied, gently placing the bag on the kitchen table and walking over to her friends.
“Hold on, though, the colour isn’t quite right yet. I’ll have it match your eyes.”
No.
The button was pushed, the gems changed from black to green and red to match Sweetie Belle’s and Apple Bloom’s eyes, and Scootaloo knew her friends were lost.
NO!
“No need to keep up the charade now, dear. Stand still and answer me, in your whisper.” Octavia grinned wickedly. “Do you think Applejack and Rarity will appreciate me making their sisters a little more manageable?”
“You can’t do this. Somepony will notice eventually. You can’t hide this thing forever,” Scootaloo whispered.
Octavia draped herself over the couch and furrowed her brow at that ignorant remark even as she smiled, almost amused enough to afford a chuckle. “Darling, I don’t think you understand the severity of your situation. You can’t show your predicament to anyone, anyone at all. And as for hiding it forever, you seem to think I made this contraption myself.”
The mare's words ran around in Scootaloo's head, but nothing important stuck out. “What does that have to do with anything?”
Octavia chuckled, getting up to ruffle the manes of her two latest prisoners. “Try to understand, the thing you and your friends are wearing is a special order. It is made by a company, one that makes money off this.” Octavia leaned in closer. “There are more fillies like you, more mares like me, and I don’t need to know how to hide it. They do, and they were kind enough to write some very helpful tutorials on the topic. I might even invite some of them over, let you see how other collared children live their lives. There’s quite a few applications, let me tell you. My point is, darling, that any mistakes you might hope I make have been foreseen and prepared for. This has been happening for a while now, and so far nopony has gotten caught doing it. What makes you think I should be the first?”
Scootaloo shook her head in confusion. “What about my mom and dad? I’m not going to be with you all the time, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle –“
“You and your friends don’t need to be with me all the time, dear, that’s the whole point. You just went outside, and I don’t see any outraged adults pounding down my door. I can make you act normal, and I will. As for keeping you closer, I can wait. The three of you have a wonderful set of skills, you know, and I’m sure I can find good use for them. Your parents already trust me enough to take care of you. Building a career with my help won’t even make them bat an eyelash. If nothing else… I can have a little fun with you as my servants once you’re old enough to move out of the house.”
Scootaloo’s breath came in ragged. “All this just because I don’t listen?”
Octavia opened her mouth, but didn’t reply. She put her hoof on her chin and pondered. “You know, you have a fair point there. I suppose this is a bit harsh, you’re not quite a criminal, after all. Tell you what, since you have been a good girl, I won’t make you watch as I start putting some more advanced programming into your friends’ minds. Stand up on your hind hooves for me, darling.”
Wordlessly, Scootaloo obeyed.
“As I count to three, you’ll find your head getting lighter and lighter. It’ll feel as if you are on the precipice of a great chasm, right on the edge and about to fall. I’m actually curious, would you fall backwards or forwards?”
“Please don’t,” Scootaloo pleaded.
“Nothing to worry about, Scootaloo. When you wake back up, I’ll have you all dolled up and all set for your new life with me to guide you. I’ll even start giving you some positive reinforcement, you’ll like that a lot. But in the meantime... three.”
A headrush swept over the girl. She started wobbling back and forth.
“Two.”
Vertigo hit her, and her heart started pounding.
Octavia just smirked.
“One.”
A shock went through her, a dull impact that roused her out of the control of the collar.
Dark. It’s too dark.
Scootaloo tried to move. She got her limbs to respond, but she was bound by something. The collar wasn’t holding her anymore, though.
I can move. Thank the stars, I can move. Come on, got to…
She heard a door open in the hallway. Light came out from under the crack of her door. She was in her bedroom, on the floor, in some sort of straightjacket.
All dolled up, just like she said. How long was I out?
Thundering hooves rushed to her door. Octavia swung it open and bathed the girl in blinding light with a flick of the light switch. “Scootaloo? What happened?”
Scootaloo squirmed in her restraints even as Octavia came over. She kicked and flailed as the mare got closer. “Get away from me, don’t come near me!” She croaked. Scootaloo’s throat felt dry and raw, but her eyes were certainly doing their best to compensate. She couldn’t quite scream, though, not yet.
Octavia didn’t heed the girl. She just closed the gap and started fiddling with the material holding the girl’s forelegs and wings bound. One of her kicks connected, but Octavia merely swatted it aside.
“I said: get away! Get away, don’t-“
“Shh,” Octavia cooed. “It’s all right, darling.”
Scootaloo stopped kicking once Octavia’s forelegs were around her. “W-wha…” She looked to the straightjacket that had so cruelly locked her in mere moments before.
It was just her bed sheets.
She felt her neck. There was nothing there.
She felt her chest. Her T-shirt clung to her, soaked in sweat.
Octavia got her out of the wet shirt, then pressed the girl to her chest, rubbing her mane. “Darling, your chest is absolutely pounding.” The mare reached a hoof around to pat her on the back.
Scootaloo felt the warm touch, right between her wings. She was cold as ice there, and the feeling made her shudder to her core, before the bit of warmth calmed her down. Octavia blew softly over her wings, making them spread to catch a fake wind.
She looked up at the mare holding her. “I-I don’t understand.”
Octavia kept her clutched close, rubbing to warm her chilled back up. “It was just a nightmare, Scootaloo. Whatever monsters you dreamed of, they’re gone now.”
Sweet Jesus, what the fuck? I... I knew she had nightmares, but DAMN. Her mind can come up with some fucked up shit.
<-------------- This face is a lie...
Okay, with the authors note I understand but I think the chapter ended a bit too quick. If the point of all that was to showcase Octavia's sweetness then it probably should have more of her being sweet.
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I should probably have clarified that the sweetness comes in the next chapter.
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No, I got that but.........well to be frank after that I think Scoot should see a therapist or such because those are some harsh fears to have.
I guess my problem is that for the whole time I was reading this chapter I was kinda thinking where the hell is the dark tag on this story? I have a deep hate of mistagged stories, a deep hate. Not that this story needs one now.
And yes, I suppose saving the sweetness would make sense so that we could see the contrast but......well frankly I think that was a bit too much my friend, quite a bit too much for a child that age.
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Now you see why I dreaded uploading this chapter so much. I suppose you could think of it as a really, really twisted Big Lipped Alligator Moment as they sometimes pop up in kids' films. But yeah, it's a cartoon, it's bound to be an exaggeration of reality. I did try to keep it as toned down as I could, mind you. Believe me, there are worse things lurking in my mind.
Most of them will end up either in the Quorum Sensing sequel or the incoming TwiDash fic .
I have to admit, use of the control collar was brilliant. I was on the fence there about whether or not it was actually a nightmare for a while. And it plays nicely off insecurities Scootaloo no doubt has over her behavior.
Here I was, ready to unfavorite the fic after a frankly idiotic moodlash... but since this is just a nightmare, and not real, I'm now curious to see the bonding you describe.
Carry on!
I was really scared that this turned super dark there for a second... Good chapter, author!
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Wise Cracker has a point. Have you ever seen the Sponge-bob episode where he and Mr Krabs think they have killed the health inspector? They spend a good 5-10 minutes of a kids show TRYING TO HIDE A BODY!
Other wise, I'm thoroughly enjoying this so far, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter
...And I thought I had a screwed up mind.
Dude.
I was about to thumbs down this thing so fast...
but still, very good job pulling this off, give the readers a bit of a scare and whatnot. But I still do wonder why Scoots ever came up with a nightmare like that in the first place?
Yes, I was also seriously near the point of shrieking in anger and removing my favorite. So glad it was just a dream. I suppose that the fact that I could have pictured Octavia being that bitchy enough to have made this chapter plausible shows good writing, however. Thank you for only making it a dream.
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Well, at least you managed to finish the chapter. I've written things that made people just stop reading and start downvoting and ranting without finishing the whole thing. Really annoying, too, especially on blogs.
So hey, I'm learning
And yet, one added downvote already. Can't win'em all, I guess
3451428 Still though, I don't understand why Scoots would picture Octavia as a hostile entity, so far she's been quite nice to her and has never been upset or aggressive towards her at all
Hmph, their loss.
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It's a dream, it's not entirely rational. But on the other hand, the two don't know each other that well, even after living together for so long. Octavia's main means of avoiding conflict with the girl is making sure the two never get in each other's way, so they're not that close at the start of the story. Besides that, just check out how she uses her authority. That mare is scary when she wants to be. Most of the fear comes from the uncertainty of what will happen when one of Octy's rules really does get broken.
3451448 I never really thought of it that way. Fear of the unknown.
Ah well, I look forward to seeing the story progress, very solid work so far.
Now don't think of a pink rhinoceros.
An interesting chapter. I admit, halfway through I went to the cover page just to check the tags on it one more time.
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In hindsight (obviously) I can kind of understand how that nightmare came to. Basically, it was a really nice scene, getting an awesome gift from Octavia, until Scootaloo got tangled up in her bedsheets. All she knew for a moment was that she couldn't move and her mind made the first connection it found: her new collar she had just put on. And it all went downhill from there on.
Whether that is what the Author thought, or I'm just making assumptions, great chapter either way.
P.S.: Funny thing... I actually didn't think of a pink rhinoceros once while writing a post. For some reason I always only pictured a pink Rhyhorn. I feel like I've broken the system. Now who still says video games don't teach you anything.
Oh sweet merciful Luna Deam! I was starting to think this was going to turn into another "A Puppet to her Fame story! I Was this close /> <\ to saying "Pedicabo ego, ego sum iens domum," and leaving. That filly has some issues... Oh Gods... I'm calling it now. Octavia's going to give Scootaloo a mundane, non evil version of that necklace and Scoots is going to absolutely flip.
3451298 Eh, I've been having similar and worse dreams since I was... Four, maybe five? Long time, since I was just a pup. Just got me ready for the world.
Man, Scoots got to stop eating spicy stuff before bed. Or she needs a therapist.
You got me there until the end, Like what?
Very good chapter, sweet twist there
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One of the difficulties with dream sequences in stories is that you don't really have access to the visual cinematography tricks (odd camera angles, too-saturated or washed-out lighting, soft focus, etc.) that lets the audience know, even subconsciously, that something is "unreal" about this scene, so it becomes far too easy for a reader to assume that this is part of the actual narrative. (This is especially true in fan-fics, where far too many stories do undergo severe mood whiplash from one chapter to another because the author loses interest in writing one kind of story and tries to bend what they've already written into some other, completely different story.)
I would suggest putting the entire dream sequence in italics. That's a fairly common convention in literary prose for flashbacks, dreams, hallucinations, etc., and it might help keep readers from punching the dislike-and-eject button before they get all the way through it.
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Agreed, doing dreams in text is difficult.
I closed the tab after Scootaloo went outside, thinking this had just turned into a very different story than we thought it was going to be. I was going to come back and remove my favorite so I didn't get notified of any new chapters, but went back and started to read again. Glad I stuck it out, but I'm not looking forward to the next chapter as much as I was looking forward to this one. I'm sure that will change after one more good chapter though.
Well, I was going to continue on, considering it's not the worst thing anyone's come up with *Coughcoughcough* but I was a bit disappointed that it wasn't going to be like a normal CMC story. Glad you took the high road.
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I do not want readers to know right away it's a dream, that'd be defeating the purpose. Thing is, I do give two big hints that it is a dream.
1) Scootaloo is having breakfast, yet Octavia asks the girl to go get donuts for her breakfast. Why is she not eating right away as well?
2)In a previous chapter, it's established Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle arrive around 17.00. Scootaloo acts like they were going to be there by noon.
Thirdly, and I cannot stress this enough: I said Scootaloo has nightmares. Scootaloo says she might wake Octavia up at night. It doesn't come right out of nowhere. It's Chekhov's Gun, basically.
But yeah, this was a hard chapter to write and publish, I'm aware that it's a big risk. If I couldn't take that risk, I'd be doing it wrong. And I'm going to say the same thing I always say when this kind of thing occurs.
If I didn't have that in it, it'd be a different story altogether. There will be more d'awws, though, you'll see why this is in there.
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If by 'high road' you mean 'not turn a sweet story into a sudden angstfest without tagging it', no worries. That'd be too much of a cheap shot, and low-hanging fruit. If I ever write something like that, it'll be tagged as such and put in the description. This is marketed as a cute story, but even cute stories can have dark moments, especially with the SoL tag. I wouldn't use this chapter as a selling point, by any means, but I felt it was necessary for some plot elements.
If by 'high road' you mean 'take a big risk', well... it's par for the course, this one. Sometimes I pull this off and it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's what risks are, after all.
You're lucky, for a brief moment, i had an utter hatred and extreme rage towards Octavia.
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It was meaning number one, but still, I could have stomached it if you did. Like I said, there's worse things out there.
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Therapists don't 'fix' people. They're not a pill or a panacea. It just wouldn't help - and there's nothing that needs helping, there. Our nightmares are just as fueled by reality as they are imagination. A little negativity during the day, one little bad thought, can have you trapped in a dream where you live out your whole life in agonizing torment and fear, as if those six-eight hours you were asleep in reality were sixty to eighty years of non-stop horror and pain, or worse.
It's normal. If your nightmares are so tame that this unsettles you, you're the one who's abnormal. Lucky little...
If it weren't a dream, there'd be a legitimate reason for downvoting, because the chapter is inappropriate for the tags for the story.
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I have never met a person who has consistent nightmares like the one she had, maybe that makes me abnormal, I don't know. I have had some horrid dreams where I was turned into a wooden doll by a monster but that was only after I watched the movie that had the monster in it.
I never did have a dream like you described really, or at least I don't remember them. Maybe that means I was just lucky with my life.....or that maybe not everyone goes through the same stuff you did.
And I never said that Scoot needed fixing, she just need to bare herself out a little. She doesn't confide in anyone and that seems to be taking it's toll. A therapist, a good one, could be a safe outlet.
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No offense, but I think the dreams just scared the shit out of the five year old you like mine did when I was that age and other things prepared you for the world. Of course after that age it is a different story and they probably did.
Don't really know again, didn't go through that kind of experiance.
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I don't know if it's just me but some things can go across some mediums well and not so well on others. Besides, the dream wasn't exactly a an attempt at comedy........right?
Christ I'm messed up just thinking it could be.
Also, that comment drew the most responses that I ever had.
Well, that escalated quickly.
And yes, it is great. Really, really bloody great, outstanding piece of work - you've been playing on our nerves, with our minds - and this is bloody awesome.
I'm not the type to downvote a story from one chapter (unless it's just painfully badly written and/or disgusting), but I will just navigate away if get lost. But I had a feeling that there was something up here considering how good the previous parts had been so I stuck it out. And now you're on my favorites list with an upvote (not that I'm saying its a big deal to be on some nobody's list, but just because I want to emphasize I enjoyed it), because you gave me a reason to believe this situation in the setting of your story. Well done, and I look forward to more.
3452324
First off: it hasn't been established yet Scootaloo's nightmares are always about Octavia. Nor has it been established that they are always this severe.
Secondly: no, this was not an attempt at comedy. This was, however, an attempt at Slice of Life, which is the other tag on the fic. Slice of Life, to me, implies portraying a character's day-to-day struggles and/or approaching show look and feel. This being a show where main characters have tripped over the lifeless bodies of their camerades (turned to stone, no less), been brainwashed (repeatedly), and suffered body horror at the hands of minor antagonists (Alicorn Amulet Mouth Remover = Nightmare Fuel), I think I'm not that far off. It also illustrates a little bit of headcanon that was introduced in the very first chapter of the fic. (Prologue notwithstanding)
If you feel this is unsettling, well... I did my job in getting you to see how Scootaloo feels. Another nightmare with different content wouldn't be as scary and thus would not yield the desired effect.
Also, it's rated Teen, not Everyone. This chapter is a big part of the reason why.
3452361
True, and I'm not saying it was bad or too far. I just didn't like the comparison between the nightmare Scootaloo had and things like that scene from Spongebob and that mouth thing with Pinkie. Those are both examples of a cartoon being a cartoon. This as you said was a slice of life story that simply isn't meant to be a comedy.
I'm not trying to argue because I kinda agree with you, I just don't like the justification or reasoning of that it's a cartoon.
3452324Actually, this one was pretty similar. It was reoccurring until I was eleven. Replace Octavia with my father, whom I had good reason to fear, and, well... It's pretty close, just with a collar instead of a necklace. scared the crap out of me every time. Other than that, it was dreams of Hell, due to me sneaking and reading Dante's Inferno back when I was seven. That was easily the worst idea I've had yet.
Scared me for a minute, dude. Great job capturing night terrors, my brother used to have them just a bit more severe than her, and I've had realistic nightmares my entire life. Really accurate job :D
3452449
Well......shit man, that blows. Not much else to say other than I hope everything is going good for you now.
3452474 Actually, yeah, it did. The collar thing gave me appreciation of the freedom I have, and makes me think of all the options, rather than blindly assuming there is no choice. There is, after all, always a choice. You just may not like the options. And we did escape my father when I was three or four. The Demon battles got me thinking outside the box, mainly in fights, allowing me to usually escape almost any situation unscathed, as well as guiding my morals into a strong sense of justice. Whatever my mind puts me through, I've learned I can always make use of it, I just have to take time and figure out what it's trying to teach me. So I really can't complain, but I do know what poor Scoots is going through. She'll get better. I like what 3451533 said in the last part. I usually got those nightmares about the collar when I got really tangled in my sheets.
Phew... I'll admit right out, you had me going, Wise Cracker. That was creepy-scary and for some reason it just never even registered to me that 'oh right she just went to sleep in the last chapter'. I've had my head buried in too many other stories since I read this last.
Well, that was dark.
I must say that was a brilliant chapter you hid the fact that it was a dream very well.
Okay, so I've had stages of regular nightmares which are simply me running through a field towards a gate, but no matter how fast i go or how hard I try, I can't reach it. That's nothing looking at this
I mean, bloody hell, that was just terrifying.
Oh wow dude you blew my mind This was deffiently an interesting chapter. At some points i thought i was reading a completely different story.
Not being a stranger to unexpected twists in fanfictions, I knew that something was up when Evil Octavia made an appearance. Frankly I'm glad that I stuck it out to see just how this played out.
At first I was like
Wait, no, that never changed. My bad.
You actually had me going but then I remembered what they said about Scoots getting nightmares and realized what was up.
You ass! You got me!
Write more!
You almost got me there! I was thinking: Bad Octavia! Bad dog!
Uhm... how in the hell does an inexperienced filly's mind even come up with something like that?
You do realize that the mind cannot fathom something of which it has no information. For instance, a child could hardly dream about performing a realistic account of performing a laser craniotomy!
Had you mentioned this was similar to a Daring Doo novel, or was in a superpony comic she'd read, or a horror movie she'd watched, it would be plausible. It would also work if some hint were provided to suggest the spirit of the Nightmare was on the prowl for fresh meat (Nightmare Kruger).
But barring that, this completely shatters the willing suspension of disbelief as there is no possible way Scootaloo could dream this without either prior knowledge of the concept of a 'control collar' or some evil entity introducing these images into her mind.
3451832
...you'd rather have them thinking that the story has suddenly veered off into grimdark territory, and bailing out of reading it entirely? Seems like that'd be an even less desirable outcome...
Neither of which I even noticed, so those may not be as obvious a hint as you think. The donut thing certainly isn't much of a tip-off, IMO, as it can easily be assumed (if the scene is being "played straight" according to the usual conventions of the "dark" genre) to just be Octavia proving her control over Scootaloo and, not incidentally, getting Scoot out of the house so she can collar her friends.
In any case – obviously, it's your story, you can do as you like; it's certainly no skin off my nose if you lose readers or get downvotes over it. I'm just saying, I wouldn't do it that way; I'd use the common literary convention of setting it off in italics, which is the prose equivalent of the off-kilter camera angles and other cinematographic tricks I mentioned earlier. (But then, I'm just some guy who was reading Anne McCaffrey, Robert Heinlein, and Isaac Asimov back when he was still in grade school in the 1970s, and has been writing off and on since the early 90s. So hey, what do I know. )