Applejack is riding a train home, but something feels off. She goes on a journey of remembrance that shows her just what it means to leave behind a legacy to be proud of.
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- Member Since 12th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 28th, 2014
Facade
Musical maker of love to any paradoxes, singularities, and any other nut-shots to reality and physics.
Facade
Joined 12th Aug, 2013 ·
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I like it, allot! The story in of itself would guide someone into reflection on ones life. I have to say it made me look into my past, I'm not the most clean record guy out there. I do however give myself some credit that I have done allot of good out there and influenced people to change there life for the better...
The ending touched me, It would not be easy to loose ones family.
I do like the mechanics of the story, how you left subtle clues on to what is going on. (My opinion past this point.) You do know who I do like to write, with descriptive composure. You did good on this, with having the train change with time. Also with the bit of suddenness of being from beginning to end. My only question is: How long was Applejack out? I know you had it form her point of view so she would not really know, but i would still like to know.
Mr Flare
Wow!
I was about to say "called it" when it came to the ending, but then you surprised me.
The Good:
I liked the atmosphere of the story, though it was no mystery from the start where AJ is. As stated above, while the setting's not hard to understand, it's not at all predictable where it ends up.
The way you repeated certain words in a particuar section describing Apple Jack's actions... if it were a little different it wouldn't have worked.
Good characterization of Apple Jack, my favoirte pony ^^
Story brought a few tears without feeling emotionally manipulative. So... *sniff* Good job, bro
The Bad:
The writing was a little awkward in places, a tiny bit stilted in others, but nothing so bad it detracted from my enjoyment or immersion (may just be personal preference). A couple gramatical errors, mostly capitalizations and use of apostrophes.
The Ugly:
Nothing. There was nothing immerision-breaking or that made me go "WTH" in this story... well, that wasn't supposed to make me go WTH
Misc:
Personal perference -- a number of FIMfiction users perfer the intended paragraphs and a space between lines (especially for dialogue) as it can make it easier to read, others perfer sometihng else, or it doesn't matter as much. While I perfer what I described above, in this story it surprisingly didn't matter. If anything, the way it was layed-out helped the pacing and atmpshere. Very nice
Awesome story.
Peace!
The Good
This story was really good, ranging from the time taken to give great characterization of Applejack and describing the setting. The desert seemed plain and boring, of course, but it tied into the end which kind of surprised me. I didn't expect that at all. Also, your grammar was a lot better than I had anticipated, so yay for you.
At first, I didn't understand the train setting, until it went into further detail about the way it had looked. Filly Applejack made me tear up until I realized her parents weren't really dead at all when AJ was telling her to stop waiting until she became an older mare when her parents actually did pass away. So, like, feels and all. Secondly, I loved how you described the train cart she was in and how it aged over time. I was really quite amazed you described it so well.
The Bad
The story felt kind of rushed in some places. Again, it was good overall, but it felt like some scenes were being rushed into a totally different scene. I use page breaks to try and ease the reader into another scene without heavily confusing them and so they can take a necessary break.
The Ugly
I have nothing to say that was ugly for this story. Besides some grammatical errors, it was a fun read!
Miscellaneous
Overall, the story was awesome and well placed. From beginning to end, I thought I had it pin-pointed on how it was going to end, but you completely twisted it in my head and caused my theory to be proven wrong. I really expected only AJ's family to be alive and her be the only one who suffered, but it was the total opposite. The setting was excellent since she had gotten into a train wreck, and it was really good. I'd suggest page-breaks every so often, but that's just me.
-Misty
The only thing I noticed was some awkward formatting. Not enough line breaks, you used "ah" instead of "I" at one point, and you weren't capitalizing Discord's name. Other than that I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Nice work.
I don't understand the ending. there needs to be more explanation at the beginning to set up a more complete premise. there are some questions that don't seem to be answered. was applejack traveling with her family, from the reunion, or was she traveling alone? there is no mention of anyone else traveling with her. did she lose her family in the train wreck? it said she was the only one found. does that mean she was traveling alone, or was she the only one found, alive? these answers need to be alluded to, to make the ending more meaningful.