Musical maker of love to any paradoxes, singularities, and any other nut-shots to reality and physics.
Taking place long after the thrilling conclusion of season 3. This story follows the coup of cloudsdale, as an unknown progressionist group, known only as SHIELD, takes over cloudsdale with the intent of delivering advances in modern technology and science previously unheard of. Follow the tale of the Hangmare test, as only the strongest are allowed life in this Celestia-forsaken land.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I have to say, this story seems very promising! I'm very fascinated to see where the story will go and see exactly why Façade has such an attachment to the cloud machine. The pacing is nice at times, keeping a quick speed with exposition moments and going straight to the juicy bits. Also, the war with Celestia sounds amazing and I can't wait to read it. That being said, there are a few things that hamper the quality. The exact connection Façade and Novaglow have seems a bit obscure and their sudden friendship kind of comes out of nowhere. Maybe just emphasize that they have no idea HOW it happened, but before they knew they were fast friends. I would also suggest separating different dialogues of characters into smaller paragraphs, just to make it easier to follow who's talking. Still on the topic of spacing, certain paragraphs run on for a considerable amount of time and I suggest that you again but spaces between certain ones (where it seems suitable) to make sections easier to read. Finally, maybe focus on the cloud machine itself a bit more. It seemed cool how Celestia was opposed to the new technology and I would really want to see how and why it was built. Overall, I think you have a great premise and I really hope to see it evolve in the future. Best of luck!
>>Bateman66
Thanks for the feedback! It's much appreciated!
Yeah, As I read over our work some of it seemed to drag on a bit. I will take everything you've said to heart and I hope the rest of the story will be better in terms of everything you have stated. Thanks again.
3078939 No problem, it was fun to read.
Ok first of all, I'm going to make this critic comment short.
If you haven't noticed. The whole entire plot story of this fic looks like a bunch of stuff taped together with duct tape -_-.
Also the picture of this fic looks very misleading along with the title, to the actual plot.
No offence but, there is a Ridicilous amount of plot holes here. Unless you have English major level grammar. You won't get a nice rating if you don't have a good enough plot.
First of all, how the heck did they get access to technology and scientific materials?!
And why SPECIFICALLY target cloudsdale?
I don't think anything that lived in Equestria would develop a group that loves technology. It is after all a 95% magical-dependent world. Somepony won't just go; "Hey, even thought we have believed magic to be the strongest element in Equestria. I think technology would be better"
Its just a too far fetched idea -_-
Even if it is a thousand years in the future I'm pretty sure their technological advancement STILL WILL BE VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY SLOW.
If this has happened hundreds of years AFTER season 3. How the heck is the cmc still Alive?!?
I'm pretty sure it takes hundreds of years for such technological achievements.
Also, it is missing tags like adventure, and I think dark as well.
I saw your little thread in the shameless promotion BEREAU group. Asking for views on this story. And well, Im pretty sure your gonna get a lot of dislikes.
Improve the plot story, don't just skip ahead of things so easily. Explain things first. You just instantly made a certain scenario without any rash explanations.
Again, if you are having a hard time trying to come up with things. I could easily help you with that. I have read 1,500,000 words. And over 5000 fan fics. So I mostly know which are cliches or not.
There is also a chat messenger that can get multiple people to be able to chat with each other all at once.
KiK messenger; Datjapanesekid
Message me back if your interested, also add me on KiK
3137251
actually,when the pegasi are first introduced to the tech, they don't take it well (to the point of a fight breaking out).
Sorry, but I'm a little strange and that shows in my writing. I don't write like some other fics I've read,where they throw you into the middle of things 2 paragraphs in; I prefer to, not necessarily stretch things out but to, make sure the reader gets the characters and their relationships with one another when shit finally goes down. And, as it's pretty obvious, my stories don't have a beginning, there's plenty that happened before all of this, that's going to happen after this,etc... 
So I can't kik you so I'll just do it here.
1. The cover pic is what "inspired" us to write this (and some crappy jokes XD) thought I included that in the long intro thing... guess not.
2. They're not plot holes, they were supposed to get explained the next couple of chapters but you are obviously well versed in English so I know you know what "Hiatus" means.
3/4. They invented them. Kinda explained that A LOT since the prologue
5. It doesn't take place hundreds of years after, where would you get that?
6. They target cloudsdale for tactical reasons.
7. the whole shameless self promotion bureau thing was a joke (that, I will admit was a pretty crappy joke.)
All in all I thank you for your input and it is valued.
Plus, this was a collab with my bros.
*Sees the picture:* "Cutie Mark Crusaders—Executioners!