Osiris, a human child is taken in my Princess Luna before she became Nightmare Moon, and this is his story when his mother is banished and he is turned to stone by Celestia's hoof.
'I was at the breakfast table with Celestia, a pink alicorn, the captain of the royal guard, Silver, Twilight, and Blueblood.' 1. How does he know who Twilight is? 2. How does he know who Blueblood is? 3. If he knows who Twilight and Blueblood are, why doesn't he know Cadence or Shining Armor?
'I bring a hand to my chin, and think about the chances of finding my mother there when she returns. They were pretty high.' How does he come to this conclusion? What logic does he base this decision on? What facts come into play as he is pondering likelihoods?
'I then hear a gasp from a male unicorn that I already hated, and you can probably guess who I’m talking about.' 1. Why does he hate Blueblood already? Have they had any interactions yet? 2. And now Osiris is breaking the fourth wall and talking to the readers. He's related to Deadpool then?
'Well, now the spells I use are ancient, and old magics, and even back before my stoned state they were olden, and legends at most.” I tell her.' 1. He used ancient magic at thirteen years old? Really? Seriously? This is getting ridiculous.
'No, the magic I use is for a lunar magic user only. If you tried to use this magic, it would severally injure, or kill you.” I tell her. She looks to the floor of the chariot with a saddened ‘oh.’ 1. This mysterious, ancient magic that he uses on a whim could KILL the single most magically Gifted individual of the entire age? 2. Twilight just accepts the fact that there is a type of magic she's never heard of before and that it could kill her? Wow, out of character much?
'It means ‘by the night’ in an ancient tongue.' 1. He doesn't even give the name of the language, even though it is obviously Latin, and very poorly spoken Latin at that.
And suddenly Osiris bursts into tears in the middle of the street right before he is attacked by Big Mac. O.K. enough is enough. This is bad, really bad dude. You need to go back and add a metric crap-ton of information and slow down the story progression and just use good sense. This story has potential but it needs a LOT of work. I'm not going to dislike it, but if you make the corrections you need to and contact me, I will come back and give it another read. I hate giving Dislikes unless a story is truly terrible. Please be encouraged and work toward a higher quality of writing. Good luck sir/ma'am.
5820250 It's a worse burn if you consider the fact that Celestia adopted blueblood as a nephew and not a son where as Osiris was adopted and loved as a son by Luna
You do realize that the Latin lyrics of the song and English "translation" he sings do NOT match except for a few portions, right? The English translation of the Latin is: These children will lead you into a boy. These children temporarily players in the dark garden. Follow my sweet children, I will, I will show you the way by means of any kind of pain and sorrows. The faces of the little ones will be in this life for a murder, Do not be sad, my passions. And now, children, so it ought to be weary of life will be compromised. But now just rest away from the well into the calm and quiet. These children will lead you into a boy. Our little ones, to come with him back to the times of the here, in the shadow of my garden.
The Latin translation of the English actually is: Veni filios parum, ego autem ducam ad te, et praestigiae in terra. Veni parum liberi, in tempore ad ludere, hic in horto umbrarum comprehendi videtur. Post dulcis liberos, et ego tibi ostendam tibi in via, per dolorem omnem ac doloribus malis. Flere miseros in uita hac caede speciem passionum. Que nunc filioli oportet sic deceptionibus et tædere. Requiesce liberis Nam et nos in placidus quiete. Veni filios parum, ego autem ducam ad te, et praestigiae in terra. Veni parum liberi, in tempore ad ludere, hic in horto umbrarum comprehendi videtur.
Personally I like the the second one, both the English version and the Latin translation. The first one just seems a little creepy for a lullaby. Though to be fair most nursery rhymes have pretty dark meanings lol.
Chapter 2 and 3 are the same :/
'I was at the breakfast table with Celestia, a pink alicorn, the captain of the royal guard, Silver, Twilight, and Blueblood.'
1. How does he know who Twilight is?
2. How does he know who Blueblood is?
3. If he knows who Twilight and Blueblood are, why doesn't he know Cadence or Shining Armor?
'I bring a hand to my chin, and think about the chances of finding my mother there when she returns. They were pretty high.'
How does he come to this conclusion? What logic does he base this decision on? What facts come into play as he is pondering likelihoods?
'I then hear a gasp from a male unicorn that I already hated, and you can probably guess who I’m talking about.'
1. Why does he hate Blueblood already? Have they had any interactions yet?
2. And now Osiris is breaking the fourth wall and talking to the readers. He's related to Deadpool then?
'Well, now the spells I use are ancient, and old magics, and even back before my stoned state they were olden, and legends at most.” I tell her.'
1. He used ancient magic at thirteen years old? Really? Seriously? This is getting ridiculous.
'No, the magic I use is for a lunar magic user only. If you tried to use this magic, it would severally injure, or kill you.” I tell her. She looks to the floor of the chariot with a saddened ‘oh.’
1. This mysterious, ancient magic that he uses on a whim could KILL the single most magically Gifted individual of the entire age?
2. Twilight just accepts the fact that there is a type of magic she's never heard of before and that it could kill her? Wow, out of character much?
'It means ‘by the night’ in an ancient tongue.'
1. He doesn't even give the name of the language, even though it is obviously Latin, and very poorly spoken Latin at that.
And suddenly Osiris bursts into tears in the middle of the street right before he is attacked by Big Mac. O.K. enough is enough. This is bad, really bad dude. You need to go back and add a metric crap-ton of information and slow down the story progression and just use good sense. This story has potential but it needs a LOT of work. I'm not going to dislike it, but if you make the corrections you need to and contact me, I will come back and give it another read. I hate giving Dislikes unless a story is truly terrible. Please be encouraged and work toward a higher quality of writing. Good luck sir/ma'am.
Pot, meet kettle.
5820250
It's a worse burn if you consider the fact that Celestia adopted blueblood as a nephew and not a son where as Osiris was adopted and loved as a son by Luna
You do realize that the Latin lyrics of the song and English "translation" he sings do NOT match except for a few portions, right?
The English translation of the Latin is:
These children will lead you into a boy.
These children temporarily players in the dark garden.
Follow my sweet children, I will, I will show you the way by means of any kind of pain and sorrows.
The faces of the little ones will be in this life for a murder, Do not be sad, my passions.
And now, children, so it ought to be weary of life will be compromised.
But now just rest away from the well into the calm and quiet.
These children will lead you into a boy.
Our little ones, to come with him back to the times of the here, in the shadow of my garden.
The Latin translation of the English actually is:
Veni filios parum, ego autem ducam ad te, et praestigiae in terra.
Veni parum liberi, in tempore ad ludere, hic in horto umbrarum comprehendi videtur.
Post dulcis liberos, et ego tibi ostendam tibi in via, per dolorem omnem ac doloribus malis.
Flere miseros in uita hac caede speciem passionum.
Que nunc filioli oportet sic deceptionibus et tædere.
Requiesce liberis Nam et nos in placidus quiete.
Veni filios parum, ego autem ducam ad te, et praestigiae in terra.
Veni parum liberi, in tempore ad ludere, hic in horto umbrarum comprehendi videtur.
Personally I like the the second one, both the English version and the Latin translation. The first one just seems a little creepy for a lullaby. Though to be fair most nursery rhymes have pretty dark meanings lol.