Thank you
In this dark room next door to me. My heart was racing, because of the things that had happened to me. Coming to my head, but I really wanted to thank the pony that gave her voice and her life for me.
"Jewel Charmer, you have a visitor." the doctor said.
She rolled her head towards the door. Her eyes had no color, she truly was dying. Tears rising in my teal eyes, I couldn't look at my new friend.
"I would like to be alone with her." Jewel Charmer requested.
My friends and the doctor left the room to give Jewel Charmer and I sometime together.
"Thank you Jewel, I'm glad that you were doing some good for yourself to go to the land beyond Cloudsdale." I said.
"You're welcome Fluttershy, I just thought that this was really important. I needed to leave this world anyways. I've been around for too long. It was just time, and giving my voice was the thing..."
"How can you still speak?"
"The doctors didn't take it all out of me. Just enough that it would help you speak. Your voice is so beautiful."
"Thank you."
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...I like this, great concept and idea...but still, all the grammar mistakes are disturbing the atmosphere, and it feels too rushed. What you need is an editor to fix these problems. Don't worry, there are a lot of groups with people that can help you with this, all you need to do is ask, and they will be willing to help
Imma have to agree with 3346410 here they is some grammar mistakes and the chapters are a tad too short.
The plot is great and there's feeling so yea.....
Ill like and fav it.
It's pretty good so far. But this story is missing some tags.
Wow...
THAT WAS EXCELLENT!
3347490 I don't think so... There's a comma but that's all that is there.
The story has been fixed thanks to firebirdabirdoffire for editing it for me. I'll do better in the future. Thx for the faves, comments, and likes on this fanfic.
Top notch job, Mate. One of the best examples of short/sweet I've ever seen. It says what it needs to say with no filler, and says it well.
Mechanically, excellent, with no discernable flaws. Five Shattered Skulls out of five.
Plot: It's extremely gripping. The first chapter left the reader wanting to read on and see what happens, and the second chapter does that tenfold. Five Shattered Skulls out of Five.
It flows well, with no unnecessary pauses or delays. Five Shattered Skulls.
Overall, a very rare rating from me, but Five Shattered Skulls out of Five. Good show, RainbowShy. Excellent show.
3453791
Okay I'll fix it for you!
Like other said I like the idea of the story and what you're going for.
But the story was too rush for me to really get in to it... so some feels.
I came across this more or less randomly and thought I'd give it a look. I guess I mostly agree with several of your other reviewers: there's a good idea here, and I can see what you're going for with the feel. The idea of a pony sacrificing (some of) her voice to help somepony else is an interesting one, to. But it all seems a bit rushed.
The main thing I think could do with some background/explanation is the line about "Discord followers". In the show, Discord has never had any followers, so unless this is meant as an AU fic, you really need to explain somehow to the readers why those followers exist. Also, how did they capture Fluttershy? She has high resistance even to Discord himself, so I doubt any lesser followers could capture her without a clever trick.
There's definite potential in this story, but I think it does suffer from the really short chapters. If you'd made each chapter the length the whole story is now (so the whole story about 5,000 words) you'd have had more space for it to breathe. Stories of under 2,000 words rarely work too well unless they're one-shots.
MOAR PLS!!!!!!
A FABULOUS STORY, BUT IT NEEDS TO BE FLESHED OUT. is something wrong with her eyes? she seems to see only blobs, and it didn't appear to be getting any better. I like the premise, but it seemed more like a sketch, instead of a complete picture. even, as is, I would like to see the story continued.