Mental instability at its finest and aspiring punk rock musician. PS: Buy a creator a coffee to keep him awake? https://ko-fi.com/firerain
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Rainbow wakes up in a prison after a night of something she doesn't remember. she has no idea who brought her in or what happened to make her be there. What did she do?
ALSO THIS IS JUST THE FIRST PART OF THE SERIES! ANOTHER ONE WILL BE ON THE WAY SOON!
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dark and heavy stuf
on my normal side
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but on my crazy side
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Wow, that's kinda sad. When i first read the description i thought it was because she got drunk... lol. This is heavy, but i can;t wait to see more!
3323610 i was kind of gonna say she got drunk, but i made it to be a Cupcakes related story.
Glad you liked it!
3323621 Mmm... Poisonous Cupcakes! They sound Delicious!
Lol. Jk. This was good!
Wow a sequel to rocket to insanity? now this is something different.
3323749 indeed. We needed something new, so this was the next one in line of the Rocket to Insanity stories. Thanks for reading javascript:smilie('
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it was good tho i expected dash to die or somethang
3324828 Nope. I would never kill Rainbow. she is awesome in every way possible.
and she has been through enough suffering to receive death. She can't exactly die in a prison unless she is put on execution. Glad you like the story.
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New line, new speaker
Also space the dialogue out "hey im bob' 'i like toast' 'i kill people'
Put spme description in between them or just make them one long line
What...the....FUCK!?
3342751 Sir, yes, sir! Thanks for the advice, Sir!
3323294
Wait, I thought normal and crazy were the same.
Love this story, although it does seem to be going pretty quickly.
Maybe slow it down a bit, just a thought.
3347224 Will do. and i do admit i rushed it a lot. Its because i have so many ideas and experience of this stuff from both other fan fics and real life. Glad you liked it!! javascript:smilie('
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This... was fucking... WEIRD. I think you can easily improve this. Give Dash's "Voice" a reason. We need a reason as to why this voice wants to control Dash of anypony.
Also, you're rushing it, like A LOT. It's tough to figure out where this story's going, it seems like it's in 12 million spots at once.
Just a couple of suggestions, but that's coming from me. I don't care if you take 'em or leave 'em, just my 2 cents.
Oh also, how did this suddenly go from the jail to the hospital? How were they able to get her there? Details are missing.
3347372 Oh the hospital part? Some prisons do have medical wards. She wasn't aloud out of the boundary of the prison and into the spaces of ponies that could instantly be killed by her if the demon took her soul over.
After being knocked down after being slammed into a wall at a painful impact, she got taken to the medical ward of the prison. I was going to mention she was still in the prison, just in a different part of it.
Sorry. but i ran out of time so i hadn't gotten the chapter completed.
Also i'm aware that i'm rushing it. My ideas and inspiration are limited of course, but they float around so much from experience and knowledge that i fit them in some place in these chapters. The other thing, the demon voice in her soul is from many sleepless nights of cruelty in her dreams about her being tormented and butchered by Pinkie Pie. (like we all know) but I'm getting to the part where i shall explain it. Don't worry.
-DA
3347388 Ok, that makes sense. I was just completely confused. I know SOME prisons have hospitals in them, but not a lit. Only a select few that I can think of. Alcatraz, but I'm not even positive on that.
And ignore my 1st suggestion, I just forgot to re-read the first chapter, and it's been awhile since I last did read it. I forgot all about it...
But still, thank you for clearing up the little hospital bit, it had me confused
3347404 Your welcome. And yes you are correct. Alcatraz did have and infirmary. :)
3347408 Guess it seems I remember SOME things lol. And after re-reading Chap. 1, you still didn't describe the demon thing. Just that it was " because of her nightmare of Pinkie giving her cupcakes and torturing her for her flesh for more cupcakes."
So again, I guess, (and sorry if i'm spamming you) that this brings up that issue. The demon Voice. I know you'll probably get to WHY later on in the story, but as of right now it's fuzzy.
I still genuinely like the story, and will be sure to keep up on it!
Part 3 of this story will be out shortly during the week (Probably Wednesday or Thursday) as i can't be arsed to finish another chapter anytime soon.
Sweet, an update! I like this story, and it didn't feel as rushed this chapter. It still felt like it was A LITTLE Rushed, but not completely. I like it, and now that we're getting a little bit into the reason behind the voice, its understandable. Bravo! Can't wait for the next chapter!
3357226 Thank you for the feedback. javascript:smilie('
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Next chapter will be out either net monday or this thursday. Still glad you liked this chapter :3
BTW, do you not have an editor? It doesn't seem like it. I'm just gonna point out a few mistakes that will make this story better
This sentence could be improved greatly if you changed it to something along the lines of this:
But... why? Why do you keep coming back... why won't you leave me alone?
Her and her friends further would be most correct, in my opinion of course. I'm not entirely sure actually
...choose to be me? would be more correct in this sense, and choose was missing an O
Couple of things wrong here: Interrupted - 2 R's
I've - ALWAYS Capitalize I, I forgot the reason, but I ALWAYS needs to be capitalized!
And this sentence doesn't make much sense. Try it this way
"Because you are the strongest host I've (either A- ever found or B- found in centuries, you can't have both in there, I'm going with A for now) ever found" the voice within her interrupted "You are the one that I chose to become my voice! To become ME!"
Oh, the ending of that brings up something else, quotation marks. Use THOSE for dialogue, not apostrophe's. If you use an apostrophe for dialogue, people will think that when they see a word that requires one, it is the end of the dialogue, when it actually isn't.
Again, capitalize I. Should be- "Yeah, I do. Sweet dreams." The comma after "Yeah" should be there, but I don't think it's a crime if it isn't.
Try this instead- The voice cheered with glee, now seeing Rainbow's wing on the floor, blood pouring from the joint like a fountain. This results in covering her cyan cote in her own blood.
Need the ownership apostrophe as well
This is a scene transition, you need to make it that way. How you have it, and with the all caps earlier, I first thought it was just the voice saying something. Highlight it in a different color, do whatever, but make it stand out so it's a noticeable scene transition
It's been two freakin' seconds. You gotta give a little bit of time here. Dash couldn't have found them that quickly. If anything, when you're doing your scene transition, say like 30 minutes or 1 hour later.
I could carry on, but I think you get my point. If you ever need an editor, just shoot me up. I can easily edit out your mistakes, that is if you want me to! I know not everybody has an editor, I don't by any means, and I don't ever correct anybody, but I'm just trying to help. Because this could be greatly improved, and possibly get more likes/fav's if it were cleaned up! And personally, I think it should. This is a great story!
Sorry if I sound like a bitch, but again, just trying to help!
3357769 Did i REALLY misspell those sentences?! Jesus... also, Yes i will try them. I'll get on it as soon as i can edit the story. and this will always be an open to you, no I don't have an editor so if you really want to, you can be the editor for this story. it would be a great help, and i'd appreciate it a whole lot. The position is always open :)
also that sentence was meant to say 'chose' not 'choose' but it will make a difference, so we'll try it and see where it gets us.
again, Thank you for your help! PS: No, I don't think you sound like a bitch, just spotting some mistakes and lines to be improved.
-DA
3360116 I got nothin better to do, so when you have the next chapter done, send me a message, I'll check it and be your editor for sure!
Just hit me up whenever you got a chapter up, and I'll edit it!
3360883 Alright. the fourth chapter is out and ready. Shorter than the rest that is.
Not bad...
Here are your errors for chapter 4:
Fixed Version: Rainbow had been knocked out cold, and was badly hurt. However, there was one thing that hurt her more than the possessing demon inside of her, and it was the heartache of knowing it was going to kill her friends.
What I fixed: Comma after out? Not needed, instead should be after cold. Sentence was a run-on, so I fixed it
Fixed: "T-Twilight... her- her wing... it's missing" Fluttershy spoke in a quiet tone, pointing to the missing limb's bleeding joint.
What I fixed: FS's line didn't make a whole lot of sense, and limb is owning the joint, so you need the ownership apostrophe
Fixed: ... Could she have done...
What: Look, it's common, we all do it. Could of isn't correct grammar wise though. Could HAVE is correct, but we all say Could of, but according to my english teachers it isn't right
These all need the ownership apostrophe in Rainbow's, she owns it. Voice, Cries, Cyan Coat, etc., she owns them all
This one's tricky. This is one of the few times you DON'T drop the y and add -ies. What you instead do is make it like this, since Rarity is a proper noun(or pony in this case): Rarity's
Why'd you split it up? It needs to be one, it's the same set of dialogue.
Don't need the apostrophe in Goodbyes.
If you want me to edit this, send me a PM with the chapter beforehand, so that I can make all the corrections before it goes up. This is again, just a sampling, until I got too lazy to do it anymore lol.
Anyways, keep it up, and I shall be happy... Hopefully :P lol jk, I'm happy, even if it is fully of bad grammar/punctuation errors!
3361519 Wow... I can't express how good of an editor you are! I'll be sure to mention your name on the cover for this book when it is done or near completion.
You have been such a big help so far, also you are better than i thought and probably the best i could ask for! javascript:smilie('
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3373982
Thanks.
I only did like the 1st half of the chapter though, so there's probably more that i didn't look at. When you get chapter 5 typed up, send it to me in a private message so I can fix it BEFORE you put it up! Trust me, it'll help and save time!
If you ever do anymore stories, shoot me up, I'll always be more than happy to edit your mistakes!
3373982 I also noticed you made corrections already, but there were some that I noticed you didn't correct. I'm not saying it's bad, but that it still needs cleaning up, especially in chapter 3- This line NEEDS to be cleaned up!
I noticed you made interrupted correct, but it still is a messed up sentence.
How it should be fixed:
"Because you are the strongest host I've ever found" the voice within her interrupted "You are the one I chose to become my voice. TO BECOME ME!"
I'm sorry, but that line REALLY needs cleansed!
I hate to bug you, but PLEASE cleanse that! Please! There are still a few other ones that I noticed I pointed out first time through, so I'm just going to point them out again, as long as it doesn't piss you off!
You left this as 2 separate speaking parts. Rainbow's saying the whole thing, so make it one. Get rid of the separate apostrophes, and capitalize the K in kill, it's the first word of dialogue.
Fixed: "Kill me, I don't care how!"
Still needs to be Could she HAVE done instead.
I'll worry about more later, but these need to be cleansed! Please! It's making the story hard to read!
3374379 Done and done. And no, you don't bother me. The main part of writing is checking and correcting.
-Thanks. DA
3374455 No problem. I thought that maybe I was bothering you because I'd already mentioned all of those! Anyways, whenever you type up Chapter 5, send it to me in a PM, and I'll edit it out BEFORE you put it up, this way you don't need correcting!
-MG
3374487 Also, I don't exactly know how to send PM's. I never done that before since I have been caught up in this book, writing. Chapter 5 will be out tomorrow. Don't worry, you will be the first to scan and read it for mistakes to be corrected.
-DA
3374503 To send PM's do this:
1. Go to my page
2. Look at the top, there will be a letter, profile name, green/red dot, etc.
3. Click the letter
4. Type it in
I'll send YOU one first, so that, if I'm right, you can just respond to it with a copy and paste!
ATTENTION: BOOK IS DELAYED FOR A WHILE!
CHAPTER 8 WILL BE INCOMPLETE DUE TO EDITING COMPLICATIONS!
7/11/13
FURTHER PLANNING IS IN PROGRESS!
PLEASE BE PATIENT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER OF THE STORY.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION!
Hi! Thought I would pop in here quick, say "hi", and give this a slight look for now. I've only read part of the first chapter, but its looking promising. :D
Just a note in terms of how it is written, I think you should make it paragraph-like and then space out the paragraphs with an empty space between each. Doing so should make it look better and give it a fluid look, instead of everything being so close together. You could also have each line of dialogue be on a different like. That would make it more readable, to me at least.
-Plagen =^.^=
3472232 I was going to edit it that way, buuuttttt... well, didn't know if that's how LemonStone wanted it, so I left it. I agree with you on it needs to be separated out more, but it's only partially up to me...
And not all dialogue has to go on different lines, depending on who's speaking and what's being said
3323670 Dont worry about that I did it all on thursday. Its all fine now.
I'll have my reading of this one uploaded tomorrow at the usual time, LemonStone. =^.^=
awseome and sorry to song mean but pinkie deserded it!
not bad not bad!
Is twi dead? sorry if i mist it
MMMMOOOAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!! It wasn't boring to me.
3576752 She kinda did, but she didn't know what happened to Dashie every night.
Wasn't her fault or Dashies.
3577372 Next year the second part will be out. January or after that.
Until then, sit tight.
3579737 okie dokie lokie, I cant wait I'm totally gonna read this story dramatically to my cousin. ^0^ she'll be so scared
3576896 No she isn't dead. Rainbow nearly died. Twilight is possessed if you missed the part.
ATTENTION! DONT BE ANNOYED, BUT I'M CANCELLING THIS STORY!
IT DIDNT GO ACCORDING TO PLAN, AND AS THE FIRST THING I WROTE, GOT DISENGAGED AND UNACKNOWLEDGED BY THE VIEWERS.
TO MY EDITOR AND PLAGEN SHIKI, SORRY ABOUT IT.
3579888 you'r going to be disappointed, I'm cancelling the next part of the story. All production is cancelled, but I still hope that you make it scary xD
Have fun reading it to your cousin! :3
PS: SEQUELS ARE OPEN FOR PEOPLE TO WRIGHT. AS AUTHOR, IM STEPPING DOWN FROM THE BOOK AND CANCELLING!