- Member Since 3rd Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 17th, 2019
Hierophant
Let's give them something to hope for.
Hierophant
Joined 3rd Sep, 2013 ·
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FIRST
this is really good I am impressed with how much detail you putting into the chapter with out them dragging on to over 6 thousand words maybe it's just a personal preference but I think your writing style is the bomb digity
I hope you post more
3392983
Thank you. I always endeavor to trim what I refer to as the "narrative fat".
3393011
cool
MOAR
Still trying to figure out who the pony is.
cool story.
Rainbow Dash it seems to me. And her friends might be the other mane 6.
3438716
The 'code pony'? You'll get it soon.
Cheerilee? Is that CHEERILEE?
3486736
In a sense.
3486768
I think I get the sense you mean here.
This is fucking gold.
From chapter one, this had me hooked. Trying to piece together the fragments of current events and prior memories is something you've managed beautifully. I can definitely see some similarities growing between this and the Fallout/ Fo: E universe, but since you've already stated you haven't been exposed to them, there's no point in drawing parallels or pointing fingers here.
But this? This is great. Definitely anticipating the next chapter.
3585696
Thank you! I enjoyed Ponyville 911 immensely (it's terribly... fun) and hold your praise in high esteem.
In Creative Writing 101, the espoused standard operating procedure is to engender rapport with the protagonist as soon as possible. Front-load exposition on their opinions and beliefs. Establish a baseline.
As contrarian to convention as I strain to be, I posed the question: "What if the character itself doesn't know who it is?" It's a delicate balance (taking that gimmick too far is a slog, and beyond my current ability) to be sure, but the fruition of this narrative device is key. I endeavored to make it a little more in depth than the standard trope. My hope is it comes off as believable.
3587903
Well, I'd say you're doing a sight better than the standard for the trope. Keep it up! Seems like Lozenge is just starting to come together. It'll be interesting to see just where she stands as things continue to play out.
I'll say this much: Anyone who gives some respect to Diamond Dogs can't be a bad person.
3746832
If that's your opinion, by the end of the story you'll think I'm a saint.
3826400
Then I owe it to myself to read the buck out of this.
i.imgur.com/nJMO2cE.gif
Ah... haha. I see that. I admit that even through my cynicism I smiled inwardly.
Those moths were an interesting, if horrifying, addition to the story. A fair bit unsettling to read about. I only wonder how they survive and in such great number in a lifeless waste of frost if they seemingly have adapted to feed off of flesh and blood. Nevertheless I enjoy seeing how magic life is altered after such events of an apocalypse. That's why I like the genre even more so when combined with the setting of this show.
Well, I'm glad to see this updated again! I still don't really know what's going on, but at least there's more clues now.
4647701
Barring cataclysm, I should have 8 out by Tuesday. It fills in a lot of
what I obfuscated inthe mystery from chapter 5.Hi, I'm FloydienSlip and I'm here for your WRITE review!
Firstly, let me apologize about the lateness of this post. Entirely my fault, I assure you. Anyway, let's get to it!
Initial Impressions
Man, that's some nice cover art.
Your description is solid. Granted, there are few "expensive" words in there, such as "novaic" and "ipseity." These are words which the majority of people won't know (and I couldn't find a definition for the former) and detract from the power that your description carries. Regardless, the description on the whole is effective and certainly got me interested in reading the story.
Thoughts After Reading
You're absolutely spot-on with mechanics. Maybe a missed letter here or there, but the story is nearly technically perfect. Major kudos to you for that.
Unfortunately, that might be the story's only saving grace. After eight chapters, I still have no idea what is going on, or what the story is even about. I'm fairly certain that this is an alternate universe, given not only the sheer technology showcased in the story, but also Prince Solstice. Yet the tag isn't present, and so I'm left wondering if there is some explanation that will be presented in a later chapter. It took me a while to figure out that the story is largely being told as a flashback, with the italicized sections in the present, as it were. Generally, the reverse is used, where flashbacks are in italics.
Another thing I noticed right off the bat is that perspective in the description and the perspective in the story are not from the same pony, which is a bit confusing because it's first-person in both cases. Speaking of characters, I don't see how four of the five character tags you have (excluding the Diamond Dogs) are relevant. Sure, you've referenced them, but they're not main characters by any means. I don't see an OC tag either, which I think is extremely misleading, considering that the only characters we've seen so far are all original characters.
Reading through the author's note in chapter eight, it seems that you're purposely changing the narrative voice. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that it serves the story particularly well, as in between chapters I wondered whether the perspective had changed since the previous one, which is not good. In my opinion, it's too inconsistent from chapter-to-chapter to be effective.
Remember that "expensive" words note I pointed out in the description? That pops up in the story too often, as well. I feel like there's a thesaurus being used here, which you really don't want. Words like "cognize," "hypoxia," and "bishopric" are really distracting, and take away from the narrative. And speaking of distracting, the transitions between chapters sometimes felt non-existent. The one coming to mind at the moment is between chapters five and six of the story proper. It goes from finding a door to shooting a moth. What happened in between? I feel like an opportunity was missed to build up the suspense and atmosphere.
The two main issues I have with the story can be summed up with two different stories: Harmony Theory and Jericho. The first story is a long adventure story set in the future with lots of worldbuilding and gradual reveals. The second is an action story with a fair amount of dark comedy mixed in with the gore and adventure. This fic seems like it's trying to be both, amongst other things, but ultimately succeeds at neither. There are simply too many new phrases and names thrown at us in the first few chapters to spark interest; rather, it only creates confusion. Similarly, I read numerous small jokes sprinkled throughout Lozenge's commentary, often one-off observations. While mildly amusing, they add nothing to the story and often clash with the narrative voice.
I feel like this needs a lot of improvement in every department but the technical one. The writing is solid enough, but I can't follow anything else.
Keep writing and you will improve.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
- FloydienSlip, WRITE's analytical audiophile
5317926
If a word doesn't exist to convey the exact meaning I'm looking for, I tend to, in the vein of Chaucer or Carroll, make my own.
Novaic is such a word.
I'm not using a thesaurus, though I could see why you would say that. I'm a literary editor by trade, and I often explicate my scopic vernacular without realizing it. In the idiom of the times; my bad dawg.
It wouldn't have been nearly as confusing if I'd published chapters 1 - 12 all at once, though that's my fault. Being deliberately misleading is a delicate balance I can't yet pull off.
I appreciate your review. Thank you.
A society founded by the CMC, whose machine practically gives you a heart attack forcing you to realize the nature of your cutie mark all at once, and it's the wrong cutie mark. Why am I not surprised...
What storage room? She woke up in the apartment with a hangover. This story is trying to hard to be mysteeeeerious, and just has big bites of exposition taken out of it.
The sixth what?
Big reveals are supposed to make you go "why didn't I see that coming?" not "what did I miss?" Is it just me? Am I just like, skipping pages on accident?
I have no idea whats going on but damn if Im not loving it!
6096493
Agreed. It is trying too hard to be mysterious, which I need to fix.
The big bites of exposition aren't removed, though. They are moved elsewhere.