An earth pony scientist aims to find out how six ancient godesses, an excitable pegasus brain, and an obnoxious twelve year old messiah can end Equestria's thousand year winter.
Hi, I'm FloydienSlip and I'm here for your WRITE review!
Firstly, let me apologize about the lateness of this post. Entirely my fault, I assure you. Anyway, let's get to it!
Initial Impressions Man, that's some nice cover art.
Your description is solid. Granted, there are few "expensive" words in there, such as "novaic" and "ipseity." These are words which the majority of people won't know (and I couldn't find a definition for the former) and detract from the power that your description carries. Regardless, the description on the whole is effective and certainly got me interested in reading the story.
Thoughts After Reading You're absolutely spot-on with mechanics. Maybe a missed letter here or there, but the story is nearly technically perfect. Major kudos to you for that.
Unfortunately, that might be the story's only saving grace. After eight chapters, I still have no idea what is going on, or what the story is even about. I'm fairly certain that this is an alternate universe, given not only the sheer technology showcased in the story, but also Prince Solstice. Yet the tag isn't present, and so I'm left wondering if there is some explanation that will be presented in a later chapter. It took me a while to figure out that the story is largely being told as a flashback, with the italicized sections in the present, as it were. Generally, the reverse is used, where flashbacks are in italics.
Another thing I noticed right off the bat is that perspective in the description and the perspective in the story are not from the same pony, which is a bit confusing because it's first-person in both cases. Speaking of characters, I don't see how four of the five character tags you have (excluding the Diamond Dogs) are relevant. Sure, you've referenced them, but they're not main characters by any means. I don't see an OC tag either, which I think is extremely misleading, considering that the only characters we've seen so far are all original characters.
Reading through the author's note in chapter eight, it seems that you're purposely changing the narrative voice. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that it serves the story particularly well, as in between chapters I wondered whether the perspective had changed since the previous one, which is not good. In my opinion, it's too inconsistent from chapter-to-chapter to be effective.
Remember that "expensive" words note I pointed out in the description? That pops up in the story too often, as well. I feel like there's a thesaurus being used here, which you really don't want. Words like "cognize," "hypoxia," and "bishopric" are really distracting, and take away from the narrative. And speaking of distracting, the transitions between chapters sometimes felt non-existent. The one coming to mind at the moment is between chapters five and six of the story proper. It goes from finding a door to shooting a moth. What happened in between? I feel like an opportunity was missed to build up the suspense and atmosphere.
The two main issues I have with the story can be summed up with two different stories: Harmony Theory and Jericho. The first story is a long adventure story set in the future with lots of worldbuilding and gradual reveals. The second is an action story with a fair amount of dark comedy mixed in with the gore and adventure. This fic seems like it's trying to be both, amongst other things, but ultimately succeeds at neither. There are simply too many new phrases and names thrown at us in the first few chapters to spark interest; rather, it only creates confusion. Similarly, I read numerous small jokes sprinkled throughout Lozenge's commentary, often one-off observations. While mildly amusing, they add nothing to the story and often clash with the narrative voice.
I feel like this needs a lot of improvement in every department but the technical one. The writing is solid enough, but I can't follow anything else.
If a word doesn't exist to convey the exact meaning I'm looking for, I tend to, in the vein of Chaucer or Carroll, make my own.
Novaic is such a word.
I'm not using a thesaurus, though I could see why you would say that. I'm a literary editor by trade, and I often explicate my scopic vernacular without realizing it. In the idiom of the times; my bad dawg.
It wouldn't have been nearly as confusing if I'd published chapters 1 - 12 all at once, though that's my fault. Being deliberately misleading is a delicate balance I can't yet pull off.
Hi, I'm FloydienSlip and I'm here for your WRITE review!
Firstly, let me apologize about the lateness of this post. Entirely my fault, I assure you. Anyway, let's get to it!
Initial Impressions
Man, that's some nice cover art.
Your description is solid. Granted, there are few "expensive" words in there, such as "novaic" and "ipseity." These are words which the majority of people won't know (and I couldn't find a definition for the former) and detract from the power that your description carries. Regardless, the description on the whole is effective and certainly got me interested in reading the story.
Thoughts After Reading
You're absolutely spot-on with mechanics. Maybe a missed letter here or there, but the story is nearly technically perfect. Major kudos to you for that.
Unfortunately, that might be the story's only saving grace. After eight chapters, I still have no idea what is going on, or what the story is even about. I'm fairly certain that this is an alternate universe, given not only the sheer technology showcased in the story, but also Prince Solstice. Yet the tag isn't present, and so I'm left wondering if there is some explanation that will be presented in a later chapter. It took me a while to figure out that the story is largely being told as a flashback, with the italicized sections in the present, as it were. Generally, the reverse is used, where flashbacks are in italics.
Another thing I noticed right off the bat is that perspective in the description and the perspective in the story are not from the same pony, which is a bit confusing because it's first-person in both cases. Speaking of characters, I don't see how four of the five character tags you have (excluding the Diamond Dogs) are relevant. Sure, you've referenced them, but they're not main characters by any means. I don't see an OC tag either, which I think is extremely misleading, considering that the only characters we've seen so far are all original characters.
Reading through the author's note in chapter eight, it seems that you're purposely changing the narrative voice. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that it serves the story particularly well, as in between chapters I wondered whether the perspective had changed since the previous one, which is not good. In my opinion, it's too inconsistent from chapter-to-chapter to be effective.
Remember that "expensive" words note I pointed out in the description? That pops up in the story too often, as well. I feel like there's a thesaurus being used here, which you really don't want. Words like "cognize," "hypoxia," and "bishopric" are really distracting, and take away from the narrative. And speaking of distracting, the transitions between chapters sometimes felt non-existent. The one coming to mind at the moment is between chapters five and six of the story proper. It goes from finding a door to shooting a moth. What happened in between? I feel like an opportunity was missed to build up the suspense and atmosphere.
The two main issues I have with the story can be summed up with two different stories: Harmony Theory and Jericho. The first story is a long adventure story set in the future with lots of worldbuilding and gradual reveals. The second is an action story with a fair amount of dark comedy mixed in with the gore and adventure. This fic seems like it's trying to be both, amongst other things, but ultimately succeeds at neither. There are simply too many new phrases and names thrown at us in the first few chapters to spark interest; rather, it only creates confusion. Similarly, I read numerous small jokes sprinkled throughout Lozenge's commentary, often one-off observations. While mildly amusing, they add nothing to the story and often clash with the narrative voice.
I feel like this needs a lot of improvement in every department but the technical one. The writing is solid enough, but I can't follow anything else.
Keep writing and you will improve.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
- FloydienSlip, WRITE's analytical audiophile
5317926
If a word doesn't exist to convey the exact meaning I'm looking for, I tend to, in the vein of Chaucer or Carroll, make my own.
Novaic is such a word.
I'm not using a thesaurus, though I could see why you would say that. I'm a literary editor by trade, and I often explicate my scopic vernacular without realizing it. In the idiom of the times; my bad dawg.
It wouldn't have been nearly as confusing if I'd published chapters 1 - 12 all at once, though that's my fault. Being deliberately misleading is a delicate balance I can't yet pull off.
I appreciate your review. Thank you.