It has been 30 moons and Twilight is ready to see her Equestria high friends! Something's glitchy with the portal though. It sends her to the human world alright. But not the equestrian high demention. Instead the Pokemon demention! Pokemon Trainer Trixie catches Spike the Axew! Now it's up to Pokemon Trainer Twilight, Owlishious the piplup and AJ,Pinkie, RD, Rarity, Fluttershy ,and there pokemon, to get Trixie to give Spike back! But one problem. They only have 5 days till the portal closes!
Chapters (1)
Yes
...You've never encountered the English language before, have you?
3204162 Wild English Language appeared! Go Fanfiction! Fanfiction used Write! It's not very effective...
This...Is I must admit a interesting type of...story? I am not sure how to describe it though its nature and plan is good I cannot see it's true potential just yet. However I cannot say I enjoy it as much to read it again :/ as of that it will not get a dislike or like.
Let's do a quick spelling and grammar check of your description. Suggested changes are indicated in bold.
* The spelling of Owlowiscious' name is somewhat debated. This is the spelling found on MLP wiki, but a more correct spelling may be Owloysius, which is a variation of "Aloysius" upon which this name pun is based.
** I have capitalized all Pokemon names for consistency. However, if these words are not being used as proper nouns, as may be the case, they should not be capitalized. You capitalized Axew but not Piplup, so make up your mind..
Also: You have included the accented 'e' in the story title but nowhere else. Be consistent.
Not bad but it seems a bit rush take your time to take a plot of the story. You could ask for help edited the story. I know it has good story.
3204162
English languige is not a pokemon!
I speak it as my main language but I also speak spanish and a bit of latin.
3204407
Thanks for going through everything
I missed all of that. I'll fix that soon. (Currently working on story when got notification and I don't want to loose anything.)
Might as well take a look at the story while I'm here, I suppose.
>Reads
Well then. Let's take this a paragraph at a time, shall we?
First, the quick fixes:
>The number five should always be spelled out.
>The second sentence is a question and thus needs a question mark.
>Whenever a spoken line is followed by attribution (he said, she said), the spoken line ends in a comma, not a period.
Now we can go a bit deeper. Where are they? What's the setting? Why does Twi want to go back? Dialogue needs to be balanced with narration and description. You're writing a story, not a script.
(For the record, I'm going to assume they're in the Crystal Empire, but this is something you really should establish.)
>'Sugar cube' is a term of endearment, but that doesn't mean it gets capitalization. It's also an interrupting phrase, so it needs a comma at the beginning as well as at the end.
>Ellipses (...) are technically only used to indicate part of the text has been omitted, which isn't the case here. However, many writers use them to indicate pauses, so I'll cut you some slack.
>In either case, the ellipsis does not indicate the end of a sentence, so 'are' does not need to be capitalized.
>Applejack assumes Twilight is just derping around with this portal. At least, that's the only conclusion I can draw, since you've given me no context for why Twi wants to go back (yet). This seems a bit out of character for AJ, since Twi's friends have come to trust her, and surely Twi would explain what she's doing before dragging them all to the Crystal Empire.
>Five is always spelled out.
>Equestria is a proper noun and is therefore always capitalized.
>'Protested' doesn't seem like the right word here. 'Explained' would be better.
>As rushed as Sunset's change of heart was, it did happen, and we have no reason to doubt from the context of the movie that it was sincere. So Twilight's suspicions here seem completely unfounded, and thus her reason for going back rings hollow.
>Also, if you're going to have characters speaking for this long, it would be better to put the attribution (he/she said) in the middle, rather than at the end.
>As I mentioned before, when dialogue is followed by attribution, as Rarity's line here is, it should end with a comma and not a period. This is because the two parts are considered one sentence, even if the dialogue calls for a question mark or exclamation point. Thus, the attribution is not the start of the new sentence, and the first word should not be capitalized unless it is a proper noun.
>I'm not sure 'fretted' is an attributive verb, but you're using it like one. Stick with 'said' unless you have a reason to branch out.
>Never ever have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. It makes it hard to tell who's saying what.
>'Besides' by itself is not a complete sentence. Don't make it one.
>Comma for attribution.
>'Stated' is just a pompous form of 'said.'
>A period makes more sense here than an elipsis.
>The beginning of the sentence is an introductory phrase, so it gets set apart with a comma.
>Comma for attribution. 'Said' does not need to be capitalized.
>Also, did Twilight not tell any of her friends why they were traveling to the Empire? Shouldn't these doubts and questions have been resolved before?
“Please don’t go Twilight! Think about what Fluttershy said!” Pinkie Pie pleaded.
>Why are they all so against this? Don't they trust Twi to keep track of time?
>I think 'pleaded' is a weird word. Not that it means you have to do anything about it. Just thought I'd mention.
>'That's' is a contraction of 'that is' and therefore gets an apostrophe.
>'Said' does not need to be capitalized.
>I don't see how this statement addresses anyone's concerns.
>The blank space between this paragraph and the last one is unnecessary. Double spacing indicates a scene change, which is not happening here.
>'Well' by itself is not a sentence. It can be written as such in some circumstances for effect, but that's not really what you're going for.
>Comma before conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) that connect two complete sentences, as this one does.
>Ellipsis unnecessary.
>'You' added to complete the thought.
>If you have to use an adverb and a verb together, chances are there's a better verb.
>'Cheered' might be more appropriate.
>'Too' with two o's means 'also.'
>'Said' does not need to be capitalized.
>I'd mention this solution makes no sense, but it's Pinkie.
>Applejack's line is pointless. She should explain why having six of them go is a good idea. Alternatively, it's okay if you don't have every one of the mane six respond.
>One speaker per paragraph.
>Missed your quote marks.
>I don't see how this would make things less confusing. There would still be two of everyone except Twi and Spike.
>A comma is better here than an ellipsis.
>'Asked' does not need to be capitalized.
>The human mane six already trust her. That's established in the movie. They then launched a shcool-wide campaign to get her elected as Fall Formal queen, and she won, so it's pretty clear most people know who she is and like her well enough. Also, she saved the school from destruction.
>'After all' is an introductory pharse, so it gets set apart by commas. Also, you've used it twice in this sentence.
>Twilight's identity as an alicorn princess were already brought up in the movie, and everyone took it well. Why is this a concern now?
>'Remarked' does not need to be capitalized and isn't the word you're looking for. 'Replied' is much better.
>Why 'hotly'? Is Twi angry or something? If she is, get rid of 'remarked hotly' and use 'snapped' instead.
>One speaker per paragraph. It gets a tad confusing here.
>Comma for the attribution, which doesn't need to be capitalized.
>Comma for the attribution.
>You forgot the period at the end.
>Spike is a proper noun.
>Since when does Twi just walk out while Celestia is talking?
>Why is Luna here?
>What is she talking about?
>'Until' was misspelled.
>Comma for the attribution, which doesn't need to be capitalized.
So, that's our first scene. Overall, it feels like it wasn't really thought out. The mane six's concerns don't make a lot of sense, and I have no context for this situation at all. Use more description and narration. Tell me where they are and describe it. Give the ponies things to do, like walk, jump, get closer to/farther away from each other, paw at the ground, fly, etc. Dialogue can only get you so far.
~Scribs
Also, why "Gurlz" in the title? Is this supposed to be a parody/mockery or something?
If so, I might need to reconsider some of my previous statements...
3204622
No. It's not a mockery or parody. I just lik using internet slang.
3204538 piclair.com/data/1mq93.jpg
3204629 Ah, okay. Wanted to make sure I knew what I was dealing with.