Back in the- Okay! This isn't the human world!

“Thank you princess Celestia for letting me go back for the next 5 days. I wonder why Sunset Shimmer didn’t come on the first day of the 5. I’ll ask her when I get back.” Twilight said.
“Twilight Sugar Cube... Are you sure you want to go back for no reason?” Applejack asked.
“I have a very good reason! To keep an eye on Sunset Shimmer for the next 5 days and make sure everything’s going well and that she won’t come back to equestria and start doing bad stuff like stealing an Element of Harmony again!” Twilight protested.
“I still don’t like it! What if you get stuck in there world for the next 30 moons!?” Fretted Rarity. “Yeah! Besides! I thought Sunset Shimmer was ‘reformed’.” Rainbow Dash stated.
“I have to agree... If we lost you in that world we’d be in big trouble if an enemy surfaced.” Said Fluttershy.
“Please don’t go Twilight! Think about what Fluttershy said!” Pinkie Pie pleaded.
“And thats why I’m going with her!” Said Spike.

“Well. You went last time so... Might as well.” Twilight grudgingly agreed.
“YES!” Spike said.
“Then we’re coming to!” Said Pinkie Pie.
“I agree!” Applejack said. “We finally get to see this world you’ve been telling us about!?” Rainbow Dash cheered.
“No!” Celestia said. You already have counterparts in that world. It would be too confusing.
“But Twilight could introduce us. Everyone knows her...right?” Asked Rarity.
“I’m afraid I have to agree with the princess on this one. Just because everyone knows me doesn’t mean they all trust me! After all. I’m a magical Pixie Horse Princess from an alternate world or even dimension after all! Who wouldn’t think I was crazy?” Remarked Twilight hotly. “We understand now Twilight.” Said Fluttershy. “Now then. Let’s go Spike.”
“Oh and Twilight.” Celestia began
Twilight entered the portal with spike riding on her back.
“How’d she do that? There’s supposed to be a half an hour wait untill the portal truly opens.” Said Luna.

Everything span around Twilight. Then she... Slammed into a wall? She faded out unconscious.
“Axew! Axew? AXEW!” A voice called.
Twilight opened her eyes.
A pale green dragon-like creature with paler green tusks and red irises stood on her chest.
“Spike! SPIKE! Where are you!? What is this thing?” Twilight muttered in a daze.
“Axew-xew? Ax..” The creature on her chest looked at himself. “EW!” It said in surprise. It raised one arm and watched. Then looked behind it and swung its tail. Then it pinched one leg and flinched. “Spike.. Is that you?” Twilight asked.
“Ew.” Spike said nodding. “What happened to you?” She asked.
Spike put his claws on his hips and gave Twilight a look that said. Why the heck should I know Twilight?
“Oh, yeah.” Said Twilight. “So. Is all you can say? Axew?” “Axew ew?”
“Can’t you tell that all you’re saying is Axew?” Asked Twilight.
“Ew? Ax!” Spike... Axewed? In surprise.
“Hey! Is that Axew your pokémon?” A voice asked. Twilight turned around to see “Trixie?”
“Hey! How do you know THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRRRIXIE'S NAME! Oh, and, go pokéball.” Trixie said before reaching at her waist pulling off a belt 1 of 6 red and white balls with a black stripe in the middle that had a button on it and threw it at Spike who then disappeared and this red and white... capsule opened as Spike went inside and it closed.
“Hey! What did you do!? Release Spike!” Twilight stammered.
“The great! And powerful! Trixie! Catches whichever pokemon she wants!” Trixie exclaimed.
“Abra! Teleport!” Trixie turned to a floating yellow humanoid shrew like creature. The ‘Abra’ glowed and then Trixie and abra disappeared.
”Spike!” Twilight called out hopelessly.

Twilight had followed the forest path and finally reached a town. While walking around she met a pony/person that she knew for her laughter. “Pinkie Pie!” Called out Twilight. Pinkie Pie looked at her and gasped before running off. “Pinkie! Wait! It’s me Twilight. Probably rushing off to throw a welcome back party. Twilight thought.
She saw Dr. Hooves walking down the street.
“Excuse me sir? Do you know where Applejack might be?” Asked Twilight.
“Probably down at the Ranch. You know. Next to Champion Celestia’s house.” Dr. Hooves said trotting off.
The Ranch? Champion Celestia? I don’t think those places existed at Equestria High! Thought Twilight.

She continued walking down the road till a small field came into view. There was a cliff overlooking it.
As Twilight walked by a figure jumped of the cliff. When the person landed on the ground she revealed to be princess er... principal... er Champion Celestia.
“Ah! A budding pokémon trainer. What is your name?” Celestia asked.
“I’m Twilight!” Twilight said, surprised that the princess didn’t recognise her.
No one seemed to recognise her.
That word, Pokémon kept popping up.
It must be important to this place! But Equestria High didn’t have pokemon. Or at least Twilight didn’t think so. Twilight decided to approach this situation with everything she knew about this world.
It wasn’t Equestria high. That was for sure. Twilight was in another world. Not the human one or the pony one. The ‘pokemon’ one. She remembered what Trixie had said.

“I’m Twilight and my... Axew got kidnapped by another...... Trainer? Called Trixie. She had a ...Abra. I need help getting. Axew back. He’s my only Pokémon?” Twilight said.
Champion Celestia seemed to understand. “Well then! Why not I let you borrow one of my pokemon while we track this pokéthief down? Eh?” Champion Celestia said. “Thank you!” Twilight said.

“It’s called Piplup.” Champion Celestia said as she introduced Twilight to a light blue penguin with a dark blue cape like thing on it’s back that had an orange rounded beak and two white spots on it’s chest “Pip...” It said in a low pitched voice with Twilight guessed was male.
“Hey Piplup...” Said Twilight.
“Of course you could nick name it and give it any name you’d like. Pokémon don’t mind that.” Said Champion Celestia.
“I’ll call you, Owlicious. Because you look like an owl.” Said Twilight.
But the true reason was because she had no idea when she’d be getting home and she wanted something to be there to remind her of it.
“Nice name! Tell you what. I’ll let you keep Owlicious. You can use him to battle this ‘Trixie’ and get your Axew back.” Champion Celestia said “Also. To help you on your journey I’ll give you these three things. Just remember to give them back when you’re done finding Axew. One is a map. The other is a Xtransfer and I can call you with it. The last is a pokédex that will tell you what pokemon you’re looking at.”
“Thanks. I must be going though! I need to find Trixie before she gets to far away.” Twilight excused herself.
“Yes go while you still can. Owlicious. You too.” said Champion Celestia “Good luck.”

If I’m going to have any hope against Trixie now I have to gather together my friends to we can battle her together. I’m sure making friends will be easy knowing them. Thought Twilight as she walked into a little farm. “Go get ‘em Applejack!” Yelled a familiar voice. Twilight turned around just in time to jump away as a flock of sheep raced past.
“There’s a straggler Winona! Go get ‘er!” Applejack said.
Twilight saw a little green thing that looked kind of like a dinosaur with a leaf on it’s head race by. It had little stubs sticking out of it’s neck.
Two of the stubs enlarged into vines and wrapped around a stray sheep.
No. These things weren't sheep. But blue sheep with yellow horns and pure white, fluffy fur. There tails where striped with black and gold and on the tip of it’s tail sat a amber orb.
This creature was thrown with the rest of the group.
Applebloom opened the fence gate and the... Sheep like creatures stampeded in.
“Nice job everybody!” Said Applejack.
Twilight lifted the pokedex to the sheep creatures.

Mareep
The wool pokémon
When cold weather increases static electricity, its wool doubles in size and the tip of its tail glows slightly.

The pokédex said. Then Twilight pointed it at Applejack’s helper

Chikorita
The leaf pokémon
Chikorita uses the leaf on its head to scan for warmth and humidity in its surroundings, and loves to sunbathe.

“Hmm... Chikorita and Mareep.” Said Twilight.
“Well howdy-do. I don’t think I’ve seen you ‘round these parts before. I’ve never seen that pokemon with you either. Name’s Applejack. That must be a pokédex. I’ve heard alot about them. Would you mind if I tried it to see what your pokemon’s entry is?” Asked Applejack.
“Shure!” Twilight said, passing the pokédex to AJ. “His name is Owlicious!”

Piplup
The penguin pokemon
It lives along shores in northern countries. A skilled swimmer, it dives for over 10 minutes to hunt.

“Well I insist ya’ll stay for lunch. We have some folk from out of town and you should see how fast they make ‘em fritters! Oh and where making a giant apple pie to celebrate the fact that this is our 25th reunion!” Exclaimed Applejack.
“I’d love to stay for lunch!” Answered Twilight.
“Pi-pl-plup!” Agreed Owlicious.
Twilight had actually had lunch just before she left equestria.
But between the fact that Applebloom would pull on the puppy eyes if she didn’t and the fact that while she was spinning Twilight was pretty sure she had lost her lunch Twilight couldn’t say no to such a kind offer.

“I should've known I’d get stuffed. This is the apple family’s home made recipes after all. Once you start you can’t finish.” Said Twilight after leaving the ranch.
“Pi lup” Sighed Owlicious whose belly was poking out a bit.
“Now then. I wonder where Rainbow Dash is.” Twilight mused.
“Rainbow Dash? I bet you mean Rainbow Crash!” A mean voice said.
Twilight turned around to see a human Diamond Tiara.
“Gothita!” A small black humanoid with fluffy white things on it next to DT said.
Twilight flipped out her pokédex

Gothita
The fixation pokemon
They intently observe both Trainers and Pokémon. Apparently, they are looking at something that only Gothita can see.

“Hmm. Gothita...” Twilight muttered.
Owlicious sighed in exasperation and waved a flipper in Twilight’s face.
“What are you trying to tell me Owlicious?” Asked Twilight.
Owlicious gave Twilight a look that said All I can say is the name of my species. You think I can tell you what I’m thinking?
Well you're telling me what you're thinking loud and clear right now. Thought Twilight.
“Gothi Gotheta. Goth theta Gothi! Ta!” The Gotheta remarked.
“Pipi lup. Pip pip up!” Owlicious retorted.
“It seems my darling pokemon wants to battle. Or are you to torchic?” Asked DT.
“I can battle!” Yelled Twilight. Even though Twilight had no idea what a battle was.
“What’s a pokemon battle?” Twilight said under her breath while putting the pokedex away.

Pokemon Battles
A pokémon battle is a form of competition between Pokémon. In these battles, one or more of the Pokémon is typically owned and trained by a person, its Pokémon Trainer, in order to win. When a Pokémon faints in battle, its Trainer may send out another to take its place. After all of a Trainer's party Pokémon have been defeated, the battle has been won, and the loser must pay out some amount of money to the winner, determined based on the level of the Pokémon and type of Trainer defeated.

The pokédex informed.
So thats a battle! Twilight thought.
“What’s Owlicious’ moves then?”

Subject pokémon:
Owlicious
Pound
Bubble
Peck

“Alright then! Let’s battle!” Twilight said
“Gotheta! Show them your Psybeam!” Said DT.
Gotheta’s pink lip’s opened up revealing a sphere of light that then blasted a beam of light at Owlicious. Knocking the poor piplup of it’s feet.
”Owlicious!” Twilight yelled. “Okay! Use Bubble!”
Owlicious opened his beak and breathed a big bunch of bubbles that hit gotheta square in the chest. “Gotheta!” DT shrieked. “That is so not okay! Use psychic!”. Gotheta’s eyes glowed and a pink aura surrounded Owlicious and brought him crashing to the ground. Owlicious’ eyes where all swirly and he wasn’t moving.
“Yes! I won!” DT bragged.
“Owlicious! Are you okay?” Asked Twilight. “C’mon! Let’s get outta here Gothi!” Smirked DT.
“What do I do... Twilight said in despair.
“I’ve never seen someone stand up to DT like that before!” A familiar voice said.
“Turtwig...” The turtle like pokemon said next to Rainbow Dash.

Author's Note:

So. This is the beginning! LEZ DO DIS!

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Comments ( 13 )

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skittylikesmlp

skittylikesmlp #1 · Sep 14th, 2013 · · ·

Yes

La Barata

La Barata #2 · Sep 14th, 2013 · 4 · ·

...You've never encountered the English language before, have you?

ShadowFall

ShadowFall #3 · Sep 14th, 2013 · 5 · ·

3204162 Wild English Language appeared! Go Fanfiction! Fanfiction used Write! It's not very effective...

TheTimePony

TheTimePony #4 · Sep 14th, 2013 · · ·

This...Is I must admit a interesting type of...story? I am not sure how to describe it though its nature and plan is good I cannot see it's true potential just yet. However I cannot say I enjoy it as much to read it again :/ as of that it will not get a dislike or like.

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #5 · Sep 14th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Let's do a quick spelling and grammar check of your description. Suggested changes are indicated in bold.

It has been 30 moons, and Twilight is ready to see her Equestria High friends! Something's glitchy with the portal though. It sends her to the human world all right, but not the Equestrian High dimension. Instead, it sends her to the Pokemon dimension! Pokemon Trainer Trixie catches Spike the Axew**! Now it's up to Pokemon Trainer Twilight, Owlowiscious* the Piplup** and AJ, Pinkie, RD, Rarity, Fluttershy, and their Pokemon to get Trixie to give Spike back! But one problem. They only have five days till the portal closes!

* The spelling of Owlowiscious' name is somewhat debated. This is the spelling found on MLP wiki, but a more correct spelling may be Owloysius, which is a variation of "Aloysius" upon which this name pun is based.

** I have capitalized all Pokemon names for consistency. However, if these words are not being used as proper nouns, as may be the case, they should not be capitalized. You capitalized Axew but not Piplup, so make up your mind..

Also: You have included the accented 'e' in the story title but nowhere else. Be consistent.

nintendohero64

nintendohero64 #6 · Sep 14th, 2013 · · ·

Not bad but it seems a bit rush take your time to take a plot of the story. You could ask for help edited the story. I know it has good story.

skittylikesmlp

skittylikesmlp #7 · Sep 14th, 2013 · · ·

3204162
English languige is not a pokemon!
I speak it as my main language but I also speak spanish and a bit of latin.

skittylikesmlp

skittylikesmlp #8 · Sep 14th, 2013 · · ·

3204407
Thanks for going through everything
I missed all of that. I'll fix that soon. (Currently working on story when got notification and I don't want to loose anything.)

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #9 · Sep 14th, 2013 · · ·

Might as well take a look at the story while I'm here, I suppose.

>Reads

Well then. Let's take this a paragraph at a time, shall we?

“Thank you princess Celestia for letting me go back for the next five days. I wonder why Sunset Shimmer didn’t come on the first day of the five? I’ll ask her when I get back,” Twilight said.

First, the quick fixes:
>The number five should always be spelled out.
>The second sentence is a question and thus needs a question mark.
>Whenever a spoken line is followed by attribution (he said, she said), the spoken line ends in a comma, not a period.

Now we can go a bit deeper. Where are they? What's the setting? Why does Twi want to go back? Dialogue needs to be balanced with narration and description. You're writing a story, not a script.

(For the record, I'm going to assume they're in the Crystal Empire, but this is something you really should establish.)

“Twilight, sugar cube, are you sure you want to go back for no reason?” Applejack asked.

>'Sugar cube' is a term of endearment, but that doesn't mean it gets capitalization. It's also an interrupting phrase, so it needs a comma at the beginning as well as at the end.
>Ellipses (...) are technically only used to indicate part of the text has been omitted, which isn't the case here. However, many writers use them to indicate pauses, so I'll cut you some slack.
>In either case, the ellipsis does not indicate the end of a sentence, so 'are' does not need to be capitalized.
>Applejack assumes Twilight is just derping around with this portal. At least, that's the only conclusion I can draw, since you've given me no context for why Twi wants to go back (yet). This seems a bit out of character for AJ, since Twi's friends have come to trust her, and surely Twi would explain what she's doing before dragging them all to the Crystal Empire.

“I have a very good reason! To keep an eye on Sunset Shimmer for the next five days and make sure everything’s going well and that she won’t come back to Equestria and start doing bad stuff like stealing an Element of Harmony again!” Twilight protested.

>Five is always spelled out.
>Equestria is a proper noun and is therefore always capitalized.
>'Protested' doesn't seem like the right word here. 'Explained' would be better.
>As rushed as Sunset's change of heart was, it did happen, and we have no reason to doubt from the context of the movie that it was sincere. So Twilight's suspicions here seem completely unfounded, and thus her reason for going back rings hollow.
>Also, if you're going to have characters speaking for this long, it would be better to put the attribution (he/she said) in the middle, rather than at the end.

“I still don’t like it! What if you get stuck in there world for the next 30 moons!?” fretted Rarity. “Yeah! Besides, I thought Sunset Shimmer was ‘reformed’,” Rainbow Dash stated.

>As I mentioned before, when dialogue is followed by attribution, as Rarity's line here is, it should end with a comma and not a period. This is because the two parts are considered one sentence, even if the dialogue calls for a question mark or exclamation point. Thus, the attribution is not the start of the new sentence, and the first word should not be capitalized unless it is a proper noun.
>I'm not sure 'fretted' is an attributive verb, but you're using it like one. Stick with 'said' unless you have a reason to branch out.
>Never ever have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. It makes it hard to tell who's saying what.
>'Besides' by itself is not a complete sentence. Don't make it one.
>Comma for attribution.
>'Stated' is just a pompous form of 'said.'

“I have to agree. If we lost you in that world, we’d be in big trouble if an enemy surfaced,” said Fluttershy.

>A period makes more sense here than an elipsis.
>The beginning of the sentence is an introductory phrase, so it gets set apart with a comma.
>Comma for attribution. 'Said' does not need to be capitalized.
>Also, did Twilight not tell any of her friends why they were traveling to the Empire? Shouldn't these doubts and questions have been resolved before?

“Please don’t go Twilight! Think about what Fluttershy said!” Pinkie Pie pleaded.

>Why are they all so against this? Don't they trust Twi to keep track of time?
>I think 'pleaded' is a weird word. Not that it means you have to do anything about it. Just thought I'd mention.

“And that's why I’m going with her!” said Spike.

>'That's' is a contraction of 'that is' and therefore gets an apostrophe.
>'Said' does not need to be capitalized.
>I don't see how this statement addresses anyone's concerns.

“Well, you went last time, so you might as well,” Twilight grudgingly agreed.

>The blank space between this paragraph and the last one is unnecessary. Double spacing indicates a scene change, which is not happening here.
>'Well' by itself is not a sentence. It can be written as such in some circumstances for effect, but that's not really what you're going for.
>Comma before conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) that connect two complete sentences, as this one does.
>Ellipsis unnecessary.
>'You' added to complete the thought.
>If you have to use an adverb and a verb together, chances are there's a better verb.

“YES!” Spike said.

>'Cheered' might be more appropriate.

“Then we’re coming too!” said Pinkie Pie.

>'Too' with two o's means 'also.'
>'Said' does not need to be capitalized.
>I'd mention this solution makes no sense, but it's Pinkie.

“I agree!” Applejack said. “We finally get to see this world you’ve been telling us about!?” Rainbow Dash cheered.

>Applejack's line is pointless. She should explain why having six of them go is a good idea. Alternatively, it's okay if you don't have every one of the mane six respond.
>One speaker per paragraph.

“No!” Celestia said. "You already have counterparts in that world. It would be too confusing."

>Missed your quote marks.

“But Twilight could introduce us. Everyone knows her, right?” asked Rarity.

>I don't see how this would make things less confusing. There would still be two of everyone except Twi and Spike.
>A comma is better here than an ellipsis.
>'Asked' does not need to be capitalized.

“I’m afraid I have to agree with the princess on this one. Just because everyone knows me doesn’t mean they all trust me! After all, I’m a magical Pixie Horse Princess from an alternate world or even dimension after all! Who wouldn’t think I was crazy?” remarked Twilight hotly. “We understand now Twilight,” said Fluttershy. “Now then. Let’s go Spike.”

>The human mane six already trust her. That's established in the movie. They then launched a shcool-wide campaign to get her elected as Fall Formal queen, and she won, so it's pretty clear most people know who she is and like her well enough. Also, she saved the school from destruction.
>'After all' is an introductory pharse, so it gets set apart by commas. Also, you've used it twice in this sentence.
>Twilight's identity as an alicorn princess were already brought up in the movie, and everyone took it well. Why is this a concern now?
>'Remarked' does not need to be capitalized and isn't the word you're looking for. 'Replied' is much better.
>Why 'hotly'? Is Twi angry or something? If she is, get rid of 'remarked hotly' and use 'snapped' instead.
>One speaker per paragraph. It gets a tad confusing here.
>Comma for the attribution, which doesn't need to be capitalized.

“Oh and Twilight,” Celestia began.

>Comma for the attribution.
>You forgot the period at the end.

Twilight entered the portal with Spike riding on her back.

>Spike is a proper noun.
>Since when does Twi just walk out while Celestia is talking?

“How’d she do that? There’s supposed to be a half an hour wait until the portal truly opens,” said Luna.

>Why is Luna here?
>What is she talking about?
>'Until' was misspelled.
>Comma for the attribution, which doesn't need to be capitalized.

So, that's our first scene. Overall, it feels like it wasn't really thought out. The mane six's concerns don't make a lot of sense, and I have no context for this situation at all. Use more description and narration. Tell me where they are and describe it. Give the ponies things to do, like walk, jump, get closer to/farther away from each other, paw at the ground, fly, etc. Dialogue can only get you so far.

~Scribs

Scribblestick