Teary eyed and wimpering, Pinkie Pie walks as far as she could out of town. She then stops and stares down the road leading out of Ponyville. There is a hooded merchant walking along with a wagon full of gears, steel plates and wiring. As he walked closer, the wind blew stronger and the trees swayed. Pinkie Pie was getting a sense of uncomfort from the hooded colt. Walking closer, the metal clanged together on the cart. It was soon enough that the merchant was right in front of Pinkie Pie, staring her in the face underneath his brown cloth hood. "Who are you?" says Pinkie Pie. The merchant stood there for a moment then opened his mouth and said "Oh thats not important. Whats important is what I can do for you." says the merchant. "What can you do for me?" says Pinkie Pie with slight suspicion. "I am a drifter from far away and I make inventions to benefit Equestria" says the merchant tossing a gear up in the air and catching it. "I also overheard you and your dilemma." he says while smirking. "You did?" says Pinkie Pie now shocked. "Oh yes I did, I heard quiet enough. I hear you see yourself as useless compared to the pegasi and unicorns have you?" says the merchant laughing. "Well lucky for you, I have an invention that could you even better than the Pegasi!" he says as he unrolls a blueprint.
Pinkie Pie stares at the blueprint and is amazed as she finds it is a pair of mechanical wings. "And the best part is they work fully functional! You could soar through the skies at faster speeds than even the fastest flyer!" says the merchant rolling the blueprint back up and putting it back into the wagon. Pinkie Pie thinks for a moment about how much she would be at everything with a pair of wings. She starts to daydream and imagines herself speeding through the clouds. "With wings I would be able to go wherever I want much faster than walking!" thinks Pinkie. She then snaps out of her daydream and quickly spurts out "How much?" The colt chuckles at her question and replies "Why free of course! You are the first pony I am making them for!" says the merchant. "But there is a catch..." he says while walking over to Pinkie's side. He then wraps his arm over her back and says "I will provide you a pair of mechanical wings but you must do something for me. Once I give you the wings, you must spread the word of my business around town. I need money if I'm going to be out here by myself" he says as he walks back to his cart. Pinkie Pie then rubs her chin and says "Ok its a deal!"
He then smiles and says to the pink pony "Well it looks like I got work to do! I'll be done with your wings in 3 days". Off to work, the merchant walks off into Ponyville in search of a place to work. Happy and satisfied, Pinkie Pie hops back into town.
As the merchant arrives in Ponyville, the town is bustiling with ponies. The wind has calmed down now and the sky opens up with a giant rainbow. As the ponies are in awe of the rainbow, the merchant sneaks through town and finds an old, abandoned factory down the road from Sugarcube Corner. He walks in to find that every machine is still intact. The merchant then looks around at the factory imagining all the possibilities saying "Well time to get to work!" as he unloads his wagon and tools.
Somehow the story image reminded me of the Iron Giant
Have a free like, because lobster doesnt give a shit
I like your concept!
If you don't mind, a few tips, always make a new paragraph every time some pony new is talking, and remember to show not tell.
i.e.
While walking away, a large wagon speeds toward Pinkie. Pinkie Pie screams as the wagon is about to hit her. In a split second, Rainbow Dash swoops down and saves Pinkie from the wagon. "Wow thanks Rainbow Dash!" said Pinkie in relief. "No problem!" She then dashs into the sky out of sight. "Wow Rainbow Dash's wings are very useful! If it were not for them I would be a goner!" says Pinkie with a smile on her face.
=== You could write it as====
Pinkie trotted away, humming to herself when a wagon overshadows her. In a panic, she screams, an impact coming from a quick force to the side instead of painful one to the front. Pinkie bounces back to her hooves as a rainbow colored pegasus dusted her off with a wing.
"Wow, thanks, Rainbow Dash!" said Pinkie, sighing in relief.
"No problem!" shouts Rainbow as she dashes back into the sky, disappearing among the clouds.
Pinkie lingered in her spot for a moment. Wow, she thought. Those wings are a lifesaver! Pinkie smiled as she started towards Twilight's house.
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It's not perfect, but I hope you get some sort of help from it.
Earth ponies have nothing special about them? You mean nothing besides their strength, endurance, and connections with nature? Ha.
But even that's small potatoes to the story itself. Pinkie Pie is depressed because she can't do anything special. Are you understanding what you're writing? Pinkie Pie. Depressed. For not being able to do anything special. Did you somehow not watch Feeling Pinkie Keen?
379839>>379839 just go along with the story, it will get much better. And yes I admit the beginning is kind of bland but it gets really intense later on. I haven't even write how this story will be a dark genre yet! Right now it's pinkie pies moment to shine in the story, it will become much more bleak when Twilight and Fluttershy join in.
379826 thank you. Words of advice are always great to me as long as they are good.
381888
Another thing just to put out there,
if you're confused on why a character is doing something, just ask Why, and see if it properly justifies it.
I.e.
Rarity was passing by Fluttershy's house when she saw the yellow pegasus covered in mud and dust with a bucket in her mouth while standing near the chicken coop.
Why was Rarity going by Fluttershy's house? She was on the way to Sweet Apple Acres.
Why? Rarity was going to pick up apples for her first attempt at baking.
Why couldn't she get apples from the market and why is she baking?
Rarity thought they would be cheaper coming from her friend and she wanted to throw a small birthday bash for her cat (crazy cat lady in the making )
and for Fluttershy
Why was she near the chicken coop? She was cleaning it out.
The bucket? It holds water for cleaning.
Why is she letting herself get so muddy? Because apparently, as long as it has to do with animals (minus dragons) Fluttershy can handle anything,( although the claim that Fluttershy would be bothered by a bit of mud is also shaky.)
Although you don't have to reveal all these details in the actual story, it helps me to know why and why my characters are running around everywhere. If it seems to you that Pinkie Pie or any other pony is acting out of place, just backtrack what they did and ask why.