I love to write and I hope my stories will entertain
I am Nurse Reeda Heartly, I work 12 hour shifts every-other day, and I'm under a lot of stress. I of all ponies should know how bad stress can be on the body, but I think I realized that a little too late.
(Please note this is a Medical Fic, so there is some Hospital gore, and there is no descriptive sexual activities, but it mentions that it's a thing that happens.)
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Great story
Hmm. The pacing is a little strange, but if you're going to do what I think you're going to do - Redheart teaming up with Luna in a spectacle of badass - then I will love this story.
Subjectively, this just feels like a mish-mash of Scrubs episodes that got a coat of black paint to make it edgy, and then you threw in a pony so you could post it to FimFiction.
Analytically, you've got some things to work on, especially scene pacing and an understanding of medical procedures. You can look up the later on Wikipedia, or just think about how surgery works in general: you're not likely to look at a heart, or notice tumors on it, while you're removing tumors from the stomach. The pacing, along with everything else, needs a breakdown
1: Redheart starts with "typical work day", then goes through a present tense description of her whole morning routine. Not only is that tiring, but it doesn't describe her whole day. It's just a wall of text telling (not showing) how much she dislikes her coworkers, and how overworked she is. I wouldn't care about this person at all if you hadn't taken her from the show.
2: In the 2nd paragraph, you start with "Giving meds is sometimes not easy", and then you drop it like a glass of water, and it shattered everywhere and it feels really awkward. You went into world-building, which is nice, but you kind of made it sound like the hospital for a small town was understaffed. Let's look back at that sentence: HOSPITAL for a SMALL TOWN. Rather than explain why it's understaffed, you expect the reader to take that as a given. And you do that for the same reason you expect us to believe healthcare is privatized in the land of love and tolerance. It sounds like you want to use the medical system you already love to hate, rather than craft a new one with new challenges, or one that fits into Equestrian society.
3: You bring in a baby, because they're always a good source of drama. Except babies are more of a test rather than a result, which you used it for. Despite facing medical issues on a very touching subject, we learn nothing new about Redheart other than she "takes a risk" by encouraging the girl to find a friend. The girl herself is overwhelmingly cliche. Teen mom with a boyfriend in Iraq. And then you name the baby "Michael"? Along with "Reeda Heartly", why are you trying to pave over an interesting distinction in Equestria? This ties in with point 2: You're not using Equestria. You're throwing a few ponies into America for an easy score.
Oh, and we never hear about the baby again, so way to leave that hanging in the open. Not even a hint you'll come back to it.
4: If you show me a racist doctor in a town full of the people he hates, I'll show you a brilliant masochist.
5: So between assuming Sugar Spoon (why do you say "no relation"? It's a great way to flesh out personalities, and add potential) is an oblivious jackass that somehow became a nurse, or accepting the author just wanted a villain to rue, which would you pick? The Knee-Knocker scene feels really out of place with the "dark" atmosphere you've been cultivating, and he's not clumsy. He's downright moronic and, like Sugar Spoon, feels too forced to be taken with anything other than a sneer.
6: The worst "wall of text" offender. You bring in Diamond Tiara, throw in "cancer" like it automatically makes things dark, and then have a game of tennis where Diamond Tiara spouts her character flaws like someone trying to mock her. It's all tell, no show and that makes me angry. Worse, none of this has anything to do with the main character, which makes me wonder why this whole thing is here in the first place.
At least in the second part, Redheart gets to have some motivation explained. It's the same, bland "no one understands my pain" "no one can do my job right,", but it's something. It feels like you're just making everybody into horrible people because that's what "dark" is, isn't it?
7: This follows more "telling, not showing". And you bring in this "moth imagery" to show "oh how sad, oh how the nice die first.". And if Redheart is as jaded as you make her out to be, how is she surprised by ponies not having money for American Healthcare.
>it don’t matter what you look like, it don’t matter what the others think, it only matters that your heart is open,
What in the blue blazes does that have to do with anything? There's several things I could compare emotional catharsis without buildup to, but most of us cuddle afterwards to relieve the embarrassment. You need to have someone who's not emotionally invested in this to look it over before you post, because I'm sure these little pearls look great to you, but they're not going to sell.
8: "We couldn't remove the tumor on your stomach because it spread to your heart". I took a double take at this. For starters, that's nowhere near "impossible" as redheart put it. Secondly, metastasized tumors aren't impossible to remove. Third, why is the only "decent" doctor a snivelling wreck when he doesn't save someone? And fourth, is ANYONE in this hospital a normal pony, or is everyone afflicted with character flaws so mind-numbingly blatant you wonder how they're conscious.
9: "It was...me..." I'm not covering this last paragraph. Try this whole thing again, and if the last paragraph still looks the same, you're doing ti wrong.
Tl;dr get an editor STAT.
3134545 thank you for the feed back as this is not the final product. (as indicated by the 'incomplete' status) I knew there were a bunch of in-continuities and this was an earlier writing of mine. I was hoping to get comments on it suggesting things I could do to make it better. (Though I wasn't expecting one comment to be that long (you must really love to knit pick at every little detail, which is not bad, but it can hinder your reading experience (especially with a series)so a word of advice to you: lighten up, sometimes authors just have their 'Derp' moments.) Thank you again for your feed back, I will take note of what you have said, though it's impossible to please everyone I try my best to. Also in the future, I would appreciate it if you keep the comments short, and exclude harsh language (which you didn't use) because I share this computer with younger relatives, and I would hate for them to stumble across someone being rude to their role model (what I mean is; I don't want them to think that I am sad, so they don't get sad or angry). I will probably be responding to your points in separate responses as you have so many of them (which is awesome that I got so much feedback in one comment) and I will try to answer questions as best I can. Thank you, and have a ponyful day.
3134545 for your 1st point, It doesn't describe her whole day because it gets cut short by what happens at the end of the 1st chapter. And remember-Incomplete.
3134545 for your second point: All the medical knowledge comes from: Dr. Oz (my mom makes me watch it sometimes against my will), Boy Scouts of America First Aid requirements, CPR training with the American Heart Association, whenever my Mom takes the TV remote and switches to (God shield us) Grey's Anatomy, Personal experience at hospitals (volunteering or recovering from surgery), and piled on mish mash of everything but medical school. Also I explain that there is no medical school in Ponyville. Thridly I don't know what privatized means, but I assume it has to do with doctor patient discrepancy, so yeah doctors aren't going to go rattling off ponies medical info. Also, it's hard enough to explain the real medical system (which I still don't fully understand) so why complicate things with a new one.
3134545 Point #3: I like to use symbols ironically (like having a bird in a cage of a man who just escaped slavery (random example)) because it's funny when people get confused, and it makes them think, which is what an author is supposed to do. Who said Chiclets are bad? You sir, have obviously never read "How to Read Literature Like a Professor" which states (with much truth) that everything is a cliche, nothing can be labeled original these days. If you want to think they're in America then feel free to hack my account and ad an "Alternate Universe" tag to the story then return to your own account. As for the names (I should have put this in the Author's notes) I used the name Reeda for a friend of mine named Rita who is a very good person as you will see Red Heart truly is minus the human part. The name Michael is (I can't believe I have to spoon feed this to someone who is obviously very smart and involved with literature) a Biblical name, and let me say that you never expect a character to make a come-back when they show up out of nowhere. Names are important the characters have the names they do for a reason.
3134545 Point 4: My bad
. But it's like when you have a big head, and little arms, and you're just not sure how well this plan was thought out. Also I do not appreciate the 'Masochist' comment. Self harm is a serious issue that many suffer from and I have several friends who are trying to deal with it. So please refrain from insulting any other group that you are prejudiced against.
3134545 point 5: funny story about Sugar Spoon, I had a nurse pretty much exactly like her when in recovery from one of my surgeries. *True Story*
and the knee-knocker scene was simply because I wanted to give the readers a break from all the gloomy stuff, it's fun to make someone laugh. And who said there was a "villain" or "antagonist" as I prefer. There are 3 types of conflict: with other characters, with nature (God like force), and with self. Now I have had some side conflict, but the true conflict of the story has not been revealed yet. Remember- Incomplete
3134545 Point six: well firstly I'm getting the vibe that you are assuming the story is complete, and when you you assume you make an a
out of u and me. If you are angry, then honestly you take things way too seriously, I post stuff on here for fun, I know not all of it is my best (personally I excel in poetry) but I had no idea people took non-cannon, fictional stories so seriously. And once again remember the status as of now is, (say it with me) "Incomplete" 
3134545 Point #7: Just look at all that I've said before, I'm honestly getting tired of answering the same question with the same answer, so unless you have some REAL criticism try harder or stop wasting my time that I could be using to actually improve the story. And AGAIN I don't intend on selling these stories, I just write them for fun to get my creative juices flowing, and also because publishers don't like authors under the age of 18. As for the line and your response to it...
I didn't know people stopped being born as a child. (Meaning it's meant to touch on the inner child of the characters who *SPOILERS* *SERIOUSLY SPOILERS* *I WILL SPOIL MY OWN STORY AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME* She was and still is always paranoid of what others think of her (real issue that affects many people suffering from different things including myself and quite frankly I don't want to wast brain cells being insulted by your comment but I literally (in the actual sense of the word) can't help but feel offended)
3134545 Point 8: Welp, like I said, I'm the last person to ask about medical procedures, but that is actually based on a true story *true story* and he's an emotional wreck because he is the only doctor with the decency to put his patient's lives before his own. Finally, there is no such thing as "Normal" good day sir.
3134545 You sir obviously have no eyes if you can not see that there are three chapters (that have been released) in this story, so you have basically made a critique of an entire story based off of a small snippet, that reminds me of one of Lauren Faust's critics. So don't tell me I'm doing it wrong before I've even finished, because this is less than half of the basic skeleton of the story! Quite frankly I don't care for the way you word some of your comments, they are insulting, prejudice, unjustified, and quite frankly you are being worse than a parasprite because at least I can love and tolerate them. I will not block you as it is against my principals of constructive criticism , but will say if you cannot control your levels of offensiveness the I must ask you to please leave good sir! and Good Day!
3134369 Needs more Redheart being a badass
3239744 You'll get more...eventually
Woah Woah Woah
Woah
Are you telling me that our names are just abreviations, or nick names?
*Looks at his own name*
Hmmmm i wonder...
Jesus. That got dark(er) fast.
3395504 I will explain in due time...
3396505 Is that good or bad?
3398438
Good because i have no idea,
What Soft Shell could possibly be short for.
3398450 It's not that the names are short for anything, the employees (as well as patients) can choose to pick a different name than what their real name is for "security" reasons (this is encouraged in the psych ward) Reeda Heartly is RedHeart's "alter-ego" (for lack of a better word), though her real name IS Red Heart, she added on to it for her work due to some..."difficult" patients. So If anything the "real name" (the more human sounding one) is long for their real name.
3398462
Who needs a fake name,
When your a master of disguise changeling?
Watch as i transform into a totally differnt pony!
*Green flames coat his shell, growing brighter and brighter until..*
*Pop*
Are you not amazed by my powers!
*Now sports a small mustashe on his face*
3398489 ehrmahgherd! Changeling!
3398494
Relax!
*Poofs away his mustache*
Its just me Soft Shell,
Sorry for scaring you,
But i forget how awesome my disguise is sometimes.
3455221 is that good or bad?
So how about an update this year?