As a changeling, Lumi's life was simple: go to work, train a new changeling, and meet a new human to feed on. However, mysterious changelings deaths have her investigating to keep the peace between species. Set in the Gentlemanverse
Does humans know about changelings in this verse (I don't remember)? If yes, did they tried finding a method to render their camouflage void, like infrared or electromagnetic scanners?
I have a feeling Lumi is about to wonder down a rabbit hole with those changeling deaths. At least she's going to have a nice little meal with ape boy before the epic quest.
They are aware, but only the very basics. And plus the fact that they haven't been seen for almost ten years, changelings for humans are mostly more of 'some guys Equestrians beat' and aren't really that important to them.
Well, she met him during one of her usual daily cover, so she's maintaining that. It's also hinted that they also try and maintain their core aspects of their personalities to make them easier to play parts. For example, she keeps her name as Lumi, though her changeling name is different from her pony one.
DON'T DO IT MAN SHE'LL GRIND YOUR PELVIS INTO FUCKING DUST SHE'S A HORSE, BRO A HORSE YOU ARE FUCKED IN MANY WAYS SHE'LL SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL THROUGH YOUR URETHRA AND SHE WON'T EVEN TOUCH YOUR DICK
"Look, Lumi, you're great and all, but I'm into stallions."
(I know that won't happen, but LOL! And yes, I know she could come back as a 'he.')
Let's see. Wild speculation time. We're expecting LumiXBradley. While that may not be the case, we have no real reason to expect otherwise so far. Lumi's being sent away by Chrysalis and Bradley's just a writer so we need some way to keep him in the story. I suspect Lumi's going to be the next victim and Bradley's going to happen onto the event, resulting in her surviving.
My hopes for the future of this story is a changelingXhuman investigation duo! Like Shaun finds out Lumi's a changeling, but helps her anyway cause I doubt humans see changelings in the same light as mos Equestrian species.
4525233 As long as I'm getting enough to make me want to read right away rather than put it off for later I'd say it's worth the wait. Just don't romantically blue ball us for another 20 chapters and I think we'll be good.
If the previous chapters weren't implying it hard enough, the start of this one gives it to us up and straight: there's a fucking cold war going on in Equestria, one that the ponies are blissfully unaware of. All it's missing are trenchcoats and cigarettes for it to be a fully-fledged setpiece paraphrasing the actual Cold War.
And while I would side firmly with ponies and humans unless given a very good reason not to, this so far in a large scale has only really involved changelings... ... which, I don't know if I've said before, are at their most relatable in this fic. Lumi encases it best: they're doing what they have to do while under pressure, more divided than a loaf of sliced bread, without being necessarily petty or evil about it. Sure the pods and asset exploitation are nasty shit, and I'd love nothing more than for Shaun to blow the lid on it, but it doesn't make me hate the horseflies outright - they're too much of an interesting shade of grey for that, one that I can't tell for sure if it's steel, overcast or gunmetal.
All in all, excellent job as always, DEL. Now I can rest knowing that I left a full review and not just an isolated line or two.
DON'T DO IT MAN SHE'LL GRIND YOUR PELVIS INTO FUCKING DUST SHE'S A HORSE, BRO A HORSE
Humans are actually stronger (taking proportion into account) than horses, and since dem horseflies are quite a bit smaller than horses, it would actually be the other way around, assuming that changelings/ponies are proportionately as strong as horses.
If the previous chapters weren't implying it hard enough, the start of this one gives it to us up and straight: there's a fucking cold war going on in Equestria, one that the ponies are blissfully unaware of.
And I wonder how closely this is related to Feathered Heart. I'd assumed that this would wind up being essentially the same problem. But that story's about three years after first human contact, while this is five. Odd that the humans wouldn't have mentioned that to the ponies.
4530219 If the Cloven are involved in the killings, one would expect the ponies to know they were on the move, since they showed up a few years ago in this story's timeline (unless the griffons and humans kept it very quiet).
Or it could be an entirely different threat, but "random dead bodies with head wounds" is their MO, and it doesn't seem to be the changelings themselves.
Honestly you are one of the best writers on Fim fic IMO...I only wish you updated quicker, but I prefer quality over frequency so its a minor complaint.
4525233 At first: I have to say, like Shaun, I like Lumi, and now I'm scared. Please. Don't let Shaun be the murderer. I don't cry often, i only cried of two stories here. One without many likes that kinda touched me, and a sad masterpiece (in my opinion). The thought of Shaun being it made tears form in my eyes already. Also, i want to help you, and i think i spotted an error here:
She looked a little larger than I last seen her
And there was another one i think, but I'm tired and writing on this smartphone is annoying as hell. it can seriously crash from texts on a website. My feed has a chance of around 50% to crash the browser and sometimes the whole smartphone.
Logically, Shaun can't be the killer as he was present when the news of a second changeling death arrived, but then again, he could just be one of the killers, and... *rambles on about big conspiracy theories like the one in Hot Fuzz*
Also, uh, I can't see a mistake on the bold text. Could you clarify?
>> English isn my native language. But this sentence just sounds wrong to me. I'm probably confusing German grammar with English grammar. Have to look that up sometime, but right now i haven't got any time.
Hi there! I’m Tired Old Man, but you can call me Tom.
I’m your designated WRITE reviewer, and it’s my job to point out any notable flaws in your story, and make suggestions and improvements as I see fit to address.
Changeling Roun, as of this review, is incomplete at a little under 45k words spread over ten chapters. Since this story is unfinished, I’ll be expecting some rock-solid plot development (as far as I can determine), stable characterization, and some sturdy mechanics as well.
As is custom of my reviews, I crack into mechanics first, and I was slapped with this right out of the gate:
I could see ponies already on their way home, walking through the narrow side streets. The whole lot of them were probably on their way back home, to their families.
That’s some blatant repetition right there, and could be condensed much easier, like so:
I could see ponies already on their way home, probably to their families, walking through the narrow side streets.
Crisp, clean, and cuts a large chunk of repeated words in the process.
Honestly, I felt that these humans were a lot like ponies, and yet quite different at the same time.
Very minor ding here, but I’ve noticed a few errant double spaces like this scattered very sparsely throughout your story. In particular, Chapters 1, 5 and 6 have them, but the rest are clean as far as I can determine.
Not really a big difference in terms of shade but I wasn’t going to risk that.
I would feel quite remiss if I didn’t state that this should have a comma there. Given the slower pacing in the rest of the paragraph, this line felt oddly rushed.
Nope, there was a small grate halfway out, blocking the way.
‘Nope’ is actually a one-word sentence in this, so that should be a semicolon.
The pegasus herself was holding one of the human’s arm’s with her hoof, encapsulated by his digits—his fingers.
Nix the apostrophe.
He sat down in place, and began to slice the roast with his knife and fork, putting a modest amount in his plate.
Normally when I hear the word ‘in’ associated with diningware, I think of objects with depth like a bowl or a cup. Plates are usually flat, to my knowledge, and aren’t that related to depth. ‘on’ is more appropriate.
Croach, a green-glowing and pulsing material that kept the caverns well lit and warm, had been well-spread along the walls, indicating the drones have been busy.
Much like well-spread, well-lit is hyphenated.
Actually…
She was the one that ensured well being of everyone in the Cluster, especially when I was away. And no one was stupid enough to openly defy her.
When ‘well’ is used before verbs like this, it’s hyphenated.
We reached a semi-transparent green bubble, which slowly spread open, revealing an older changeling, a little healthier looking than the rest.
Pretty much any time looking, seeming, or some other suggesting term like this comes after an adjective, it’s hyphenated. This happens a few times in your story with a few more in chapters 5 and 6.
He didn’t last much longer, but still filled me once more with the verisimilitude of his Love that electrified me.
Brad’s Love, his verisimilitude of emotions, and the memories associated with it, played through my head.
Repetitive, though I’d like to address a larger issue here in the fact that I had to bust out ol’ Merriam-Webster to even understand what this meant. That’s a fancy word that’s there just to be all fancy and whatnot, and it distracted me so much that--I stress--I had to get a dictionary.
Maybe I’m of simple mind, but sometimes big words don’t have to be so big. Smaller words are fine, much easier to read, and most importantly, I don’t have to stop reading your story and crack open a dictionary to understand what I just read.
What other gambit, I wondered, thinking back on on Gypsy’s reaction and expression. It took me a moment to realize what she meant.
This struck me as a personal thought along the lines of internal speech, but the fact that it’s not indicated as such threw me off for a minute. Considering you’ve other text to indicate thoughts like this that are italicized, this ought to be as well.
I passed the the town-hall, a building with a white-washed finish and dark red tones, literally the center of the city.
This actually doesn’t need a hyphen.
I nodded. “Then you’re going to have to accept the fact that I’m going to be a hard on you…”
Ehe, maybe that’s a slip, but I’m pretty sure that ‘a’ is unnecessary.
Silverfly and I were inside Book’s office. Like the rest of the building—well, other than the storage room—it was well-lit thanks to the strategically-placed glass panes that let sunlight in.
‘stragetically’ is an adverb, and thus doesn’t need to be hyphenated for ‘placed’.
“Feral mares kidnapping young, barely of age stallions? Tartarus, its selling point was lots and lots of sex.”
Multi-word descriptor for stallions, therefore it’s all hyphenated.
Also, sex sells, Lumi. We wouldn’t have an entire industry dedicated to it if it didn’t sell.
“That’s what I love about you, Book,” I replied with a small wink, “you’re always so positive.”
Uninterrupted, Tte whole quote reads as follows: “That’s what I love about you, Book. You’re always so positive.” Therefore, that needs a period and capital.
“As much as dislike the chitin-rots there,” Gypsy began, which had me smirking,
There ought to be an ‘I’ in there.
“The Knight and Stallion series,” I began, recognizing the titles of the third and fourth novels covers. “Classic romance.”
Missing apostrophe.
Last one, last chapter:
“You want them back,” Mother realized.
You’ve been using ‘realised’ all the way through until this point. ‘Tis not good to mix American and UK English like this, so that’s an inconsistency.
That’s about it for mechanics. Your first few chapters had a mostly stumble-free start, and with about one to three errors per chapter beyond that, my reading’s been mostly uninterrupted or bogged down by anything serious. That’s some rock-solid work.
If I were to point out your biggest punctual error, that would be hyphens, hyphens, hyphens. Other than that, this story is… clean. Very tidy, and polished to a wonderful sheen that’s pleasing to see.
Now then, time for the first focus you wanted me to look at: plot development. And boy howdy, you’ve got a setup ready.
Each chapter you’ve got so lovingly informs me (a key word, inform) of the miniscule machinations a changeling Cluster goes through. The need to feed not just one, but many, as managed by a Den Mother and Cluster-Leader; the coexistence between ponies and disguised changelings, not to mention the interactions between other Clusters based in different towns--and all the subtle subterfuge; the training of various subsets of changelings to not only set up assets with Infiltrators, but harvest them through careful, managed use of Gatherers. It shows organization and complexity amid a veil of secrecy akin to an underground cult-like hierarchy, complete with ritualistic Feeding sessions, gathering of tithes from Independents living in a Cluster’s territory, and the tenderly controlled politics of dealing with an insane queen living in a desert who gorges on her oasis of Love.
Beyond this, we’ve another intriguing plot point like the acquirement of a potential human asset. After Lumi experienced human Love firsthoof--and could feed her cluster for 3 DAYS (that’s bringing home the bacon right there), she’s rather adamant in trying to find a steady asset like that, and who should come in but a human author by the name of Bradley. He’s not an asset yet as of my reading, but judging from Lumi’s interactions with him, I’d be wholly surprised if he doesn’t become one later on.
And then there’s the last big plot point: the dead changelings. Not only could this further propagate investigation from higher authorities up in Canterlot, it also introduces a potential Changeling killer. Of course, dear Chrissy’s worried about this because it’s making some of the other Clusters concerned, but to hire her daughter to investigate these matters is a most curious arrangement indeed. Especially since it’s implied that these two tried to kill each other once… and somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.
This makes for a very interesting opening, and I’m rather curious to see how things progress on all fronts… although personally, I’m very interested in seeing Silverfly’s training montage, complete with Rocky music. It’s probably not going to happen that quick due to your careful pacing, but I’ll imagine it anyway.
I’d also like to take a moment to address something I really enjoyed in this: your descriptions.
The cold night air was gone, replaced with the warmth of the cavern walls of my Cluster. Croach, a green-glowing and pulsing material that kept the caverns well lit and warm, had been well-spread along the walls, indicating the drones have been busy. They placed a good thick layer covering any rock or plants that were naturally occurring in an underground cavern. I had to say, at least the putrid smell of effluent—caused by a drone accidentally puncturing a sewer pipe last week—was gone, replaced with the scent that reminded me of dark chocolate and mint.
The attention to detail in this story is quite remarkable, and very precise in giving a grand amount of detail without somehow becoming overbearing. You keep the description of ponies short and sweet while delicately crafting the scenery with fluid brushstrokes. Just that paragraph above made me want to cast aside all preconceptions I had of changelings and WANT to enter one of their hives. Crumbs, you could probably put me in a cocoon at that point and I wouldn’t care. So long as I’m breathing the equivalent of York patties, I’m sold.
Keep those wonderful descriptions flowing, for I believe those to be one of your strongest points in this story.
Now then, characters.
Luminescent Firefly, AKA Illuminating Starburst. She’s a thinker who thinks, overthinks, and could probably think her way into and out of almost any situation. Seriously, the amount of thought she puts into everything strikes me as paranoid and calculating at times, but given her nature of her work, such thoughts are welcome.
There is no time for Love for her beyond what she can harvest for her Cluster. Dedicated to keeping her Cluster alive, there seems to be no significant low she won’t breach to accomplish that goal, up to and including striking a deal with another Cluster to feed off one of their assets in desperation.
Yet she is also reasonable, responsible, and good-natured despite her parasitic lifestyle. She manages a double-life with a job at a bookstore, keeps a good relationship with at least one asset in town, and is also responsible for training another Infiltrator who has no idea what she’s doing. Not to mention she has to deal with her mother, who you’ve made very clear that she loathes with a passion.
She’s got mommy issues.
Next up is Silverfly, AKA Silver Lining. She’s a young Infiltrator-in-training also dedicated to serving the Cluster, but to the fault of being short-sighted in that goal. She’s also got some steady relationships as another alias in Amber Cloud, which already doubles the amount of work for her in keeping those two lives separate. Her emotions also aren’t as in check as Lumi’s, and she frequently needs a reminder to keep them under control. Gods forbid that she be readable like a book… in a bookstore.
But she’s quite eager to learn the ins and outs of her new job, and when properly working as she is, she’s able to keep a mostly level head about her, even becoming useful at times in relaying information.
Whether or not she’s able to keep her life under control is up to her, however. Lumi can only do so much.
I can’t say a ton about Bradley yet, given how little of him is in this story, but he does appear approachable and enjoyable thus far. His natural curiosity of changelings is certainly going to give Lumi pause, and--potentially--make for an internal conflict of sorts for Lumi, given her duplicity. I’m getting a curious feeling about him in regards to that relationship, but as it’s yet to fully develop, I’ll keep my reservations close to the chest.
Although I know there’s going to be a sex scene for him and Lumi eventually. There’s enough teasing on Lumi’s end to confirm that much.
Then we’ve got other supporting characters like Book Keeper, Bastion, Gypsy, Cherry, Hopper, etc. Each one conveys uniqueness in such a way that if I took the time to deconstruct every single one of them, it would likely double the length of this review. However, I will say that all are likable thus far… with exception of one.
Chrysalis. Her evil, gluttonous, seductive form appears once again, and this time, she’s not so overstretching of her thinking so as to let one crack in her plans slip by this time. Given I’ve only one scene from which to judge her, I can’t say much other than she’s evil, she’s plotting, and she’s got something up her chitinous sleeve.
Beyond the so-called Changeling killer, she’s a Big Bad in this story to me (or so Lumi perceives her to be), and she’s lacking in some redeemable quality for me to really like her as a villain. Good villains have those, and the fact that she’s on bad terms with her daughter doesn’t do much to sway anything in her favor either. It does, however, make me curious as to why such terms exist as they are. Perhaps they’ll be elaborated upon later.
But if Chrissy gets fat from all the Love she eats, I’ll laugh just imagining that.
I think now’s a good time for a recap:
Mechanics
Outside of the first few chapters having some stumbles, this story is otherwise unmarred by serious errors. Just cut down on fancy terms like that verisiwhatever it’s called, and keep a good eye on hyphen usage, and you ought to be fine.
Story
A very solid set-up as far as I can tell. You got your main plot rolling in addition to some very interesting subplots. Development ought to be smooth sailing as I’ve found no hiccups to derail them this early on.
Characters
Most of your characters are likable with exception to Chrysalis, who even though I’ve seen for just one scene, I don’t like because she’s yet to make me find a reason to enjoy her as a villain. I’m willing to cut a tiny bit of slack on this in anticipation that she’s got some very good reasons for what she’s doing, but as those have yet to appear, my judgment for her is currently negative.
Final Thoughts
This story’s a youngling that’s already learned how to walk and talk. They might have tripped early on, but have since corrected their stride, and so far they move forward with purpose and direction. I look forward to see where it travels.
Information is everything, and I sincerely hope you’ve found some things to take away from this review. If you’ve questions, comments, or other concerns, feel free to drop me a PM.
Until then, this is Tom, WRITE's Delusional Diamond, rolling out.
Also, I'm trying to find when I repeated verisimilitude. And I promise, I wasn't cheating by changing it without telling, but I only used that once in chapter one, and recall using it again in a different chapter.
He didn’t last much longer, but still filled me once more with the verisimilitude of his Love that electrified me. Brad’s Love, his verisimilitude of emotions, and the memories associated with it, played through my head.
Personally I don't have a problem with the word verisimilitude, but both times you use it wrong. It means "'fake but almost perfect'-ness". I don't think you meant to say that his love or emotions are fake. I'm not sure what word(s) you were looking for. Perhaps for the first, vitality or vivacity? Richness? For the second, variety? Depth or richness? Paragon, prince, "most precious"? I'm just not sure. If you elaborate on what you were aiming for, I could help you pick a good word.
I want to complement you. You got the set up here for a really good story. You've got Lumi with the skills of a natural born spy, Bradley with curiosity, imagination, and knowledge about spies, and you have a high stakes murder mystery. Things are set to really take off! I can't to see what happens next.
With this latest author's note, I got thinking to thinking about the length of the story and the speed it's developing at...
I think this story is likely to end up at-least 120,000 words long, though 170,000 seems achievable, and perhaps more desirable, of a length. Making it more than 220,000 would probably qualify the story as a 'grand adventure'. And I think that this universe has a high potential for multiple sequels, granting the collective works the the status of 'epic'.
Anyway, I give those numbers for the first story without knowing what you have planned, other than what I can guess at from the hints scattered throughout your story.
I'm getting curious about how the culture back on Earth is being affected by the travel between universes. Travel between seems to be somewhat limited; might there be research being done on creating new gateways, or even ways to use the current one more efficiently for transport of people and goods? If magic is usable on the Earth side of the gateway/portal/whatever (can't remember what it's referred to as in the story), even if only a short distance away, then I think that there could be ways to increase the capacity of the thing, even if it has to be invented from the ground up.
Uh anyway ... in-case you couldn't tell, I think that the Gentlemanverse is the best thing since flatbread was invented.
5075594 Flatbread is so ancient Mesopotamia. Truly the Gentlemanverse will put the works of Egypt and their former client states to shame.
I'm a bit curious about Earth as well. This Little Beauty Here hints at turmoil on both ends, but I'm unaware of DEL canonizing anything outside of his own works.
And thank you for telling me of that story. It has now gone to my reading later list; as I thought it looked like something I might like. Canon or not.
5078291 Yeah that one is one of the truly unappreciated gems on this site. He really makes his characters shine and builds a lot onto the infrastructure of the universe. Alas, it's mostly OC's so the anti-clopper bombardment came before he could get any real traction going. At least this is what I can divine from my own experience with the Fimfiction charts. I think the exact same people who downvoted my story downvoted his! I feel like we're practically brothers now.
Aww, and here I was hoping Chryssie wouldn't be irredeemably evil and insane in this setting. :< I just know something bad will happen to her before this is over. *hugs his Chrysalis plush *
Does humans know about changelings in this verse (I don't remember)? If yes, did they tried finding a method to render their camouflage void, like infrared or electromagnetic scanners?
And don't you forget it!
I have a feeling Lumi is about to wonder down a rabbit hole with those changeling deaths. At least she's going to have a nice little meal with ape boy before the epic quest.
Someone's been reading Furies books. Not that that's a bad thing, I love those books!
4522138
Congratulations.
4522283
They are aware, but only the very basics. And plus the fact that they haven't been seen for almost ten years, changelings for humans are mostly more of 'some guys Equestrians beat' and aren't really that important to them.
4522286
4522345
XD Last meal, eh?
4522350
It needs more love, really.
So is the personality Lumi uses on Shaun/Bradley the same she would use if she wasn't in disguise? I got confused....
4522463
I think you're confusing all of them with one singular leader of one (of many) Hive of Changelings (and her loyal followers). Just sayin'
4522466
Well, she met him during one of her usual daily cover, so she's maintaining that. It's also hinted that they also try and maintain their core aspects of their personalities to make them easier to play parts. For example, she keeps her name as Lumi, though her changeling name is different from her pony one.
Good to see things finally getting underway.
4522463
You might want to take another look at the story's tags and description.
DON'T DO IT MAN
SHE'LL GRIND YOUR PELVIS INTO FUCKING DUST
SHE'S A HORSE, BRO
A HORSE
YOU
ARE
FUCKED
IN MANY WAYS
SHE'LL SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL THROUGH YOUR URETHRA
AND SHE WON'T EVEN TOUCH YOUR DICK
And then the hammer falls.
"Look, Lumi, you're great and all, but I'm into stallions."
(I know that won't happen, but LOL! And yes, I know she could come back as a 'he.')
Let's see. Wild speculation time. We're expecting LumiXBradley. While that may not be the case, we have no real reason to expect otherwise so far. Lumi's being sent away by Chrysalis and Bradley's just a writer so we need some way to keep him in the story. I suspect Lumi's going to be the next victim and Bradley's going to happen onto the event, resulting in her surviving.
My hopes for the future of this story is a changelingXhuman investigation duo! Like Shaun finds out Lumi's a changeling, but helps her anyway cause I doubt humans see changelings in the same light as mos Equestrian species.
So I take it's gonna go down like this. They go to dinner and shit happens and they both get dragged into the shitstorm?
feed*
imageshack.com/a/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
4522941
XD It would have been a cool reference though.
4522965
After ten chapters!
4523016 4523208 4523168
Speculations run rampant.
4524177
4525233
As long as I'm getting enough to make me want to read right away rather than put it off for later I'd say it's worth the wait. Just don't romantically blue ball us for another 20 chapters and I think we'll be good.
what do you call this 'verse again?
AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN i almost forgot you existed
4526047
Gentlemanverse. And I've been semi-active, dude/dudette. XD
4526116 im a bro, dude, no girl would have an Alexandrian era soldier as their user name
4526293
Experience tells me there will always be one, dude.
If the previous chapters weren't implying it hard enough, the start of this one gives it to us up and straight: there's a fucking cold war going on in Equestria, one that the ponies are blissfully unaware of. All it's missing are trenchcoats and cigarettes for it to be a fully-fledged setpiece paraphrasing the actual Cold War.
And while I would side firmly with ponies and humans unless given a very good reason not to, this so far in a large scale has only really involved changelings...
... which, I don't know if I've said before, are at their most relatable in this fic. Lumi encases it best: they're doing what they have to do while under pressure, more divided than a loaf of sliced bread, without being necessarily petty or evil about it. Sure the pods and asset exploitation are nasty shit, and I'd love nothing more than for Shaun to blow the lid on it, but it doesn't make me hate the horseflies outright - they're too much of an interesting shade of grey for that, one that I can't tell for sure if it's steel, overcast or gunmetal.
All in all, excellent job as always, DEL. Now I can rest knowing that I left a full review and not just an isolated line or two.
4523012
Humans are actually stronger (taking proportion into account) than horses, and since dem horseflies are quite a bit smaller than horses, it would actually be the other way around, assuming that changelings/ponies are proportionately as strong as horses.
4526661
And I wonder how closely this is related to Feathered Heart. I'd assumed that this would wind up being essentially the same problem. But that story's about three years after first human contact, while this is five. Odd that the humans wouldn't have mentioned that to the ponies.
4526376 i have yet to encounter that
4528674
Informed the ponies, what exactly?
4530219
If the Cloven are involved in the killings, one would expect the ponies to know they were on the move, since they showed up a few years ago in this story's timeline (unless the griffons and humans kept it very quiet).
Or it could be an entirely different threat, but "random dead bodies with head wounds" is their MO, and it doesn't seem to be the changelings themselves.
4530381
Not saying anything.
Honestly you are one of the best writers on Fim fic IMO...I only wish you updated quicker, but I prefer quality over frequency so its a minor complaint.
4534846
Thanks dude. Writing as fast as I can, but life and all. XD
4525233 At first: I have to say, like Shaun, I like Lumi, and now I'm scared. Please. Don't let Shaun be the murderer. I don't cry often, i only cried of two stories here. One without many likes that kinda touched me, and a sad masterpiece (in my opinion). The thought of Shaun being it made tears form in my eyes already.
Also, i want to help you, and i think i spotted an error here:
And there was another one i think, but I'm tired and writing on this smartphone is annoying as hell. it can seriously crash from texts on a website. My feed has a chance of around 50% to crash the browser and sometimes the whole smartphone.
4537974
Logically, Shaun can't be the killer as he was present when the news of a second changeling death arrived, but then again, he could just be one of the killers, and... *rambles on about big conspiracy theories like the one in Hot Fuzz*
Also, uh, I can't see a mistake on the bold text. Could you clarify?
>> English isn my native language. But this sentence just sounds wrong to me. I'm probably confusing German grammar with English grammar. Have to look that up sometime, but right now i haven't got any time.
4539883 Goddammit smartphone. Fucking up my reply to 4539249 and crashing while writing this here, forcing me to rewrite.
Hi there! I’m Tired Old Man, but you can call me Tom.
I’m your designated WRITE reviewer, and it’s my job to point out any notable flaws in your story, and make suggestions and improvements as I see fit to address.
Changeling Roun, as of this review, is incomplete at a little under 45k words spread over ten chapters. Since this story is unfinished, I’ll be expecting some rock-solid plot development (as far as I can determine), stable characterization, and some sturdy mechanics as well.
As is custom of my reviews, I crack into mechanics first, and I was slapped with this right out of the gate:
That’s some blatant repetition right there, and could be condensed much easier, like so:
Crisp, clean, and cuts a large chunk of repeated words in the process.
Very minor ding here, but I’ve noticed a few errant double spaces like this scattered very sparsely throughout your story. In particular, Chapters 1, 5 and 6 have them, but the rest are clean as far as I can determine.
I would feel quite remiss if I didn’t state that this should have a comma there. Given the slower pacing in the rest of the paragraph, this line felt oddly rushed.
‘Nope’ is actually a one-word sentence in this, so that should be a semicolon.
Nix the apostrophe.
Normally when I hear the word ‘in’ associated with diningware, I think of objects with depth like a bowl or a cup. Plates are usually flat, to my knowledge, and aren’t that related to depth. ‘on’ is more appropriate.
Much like well-spread, well-lit is hyphenated.
Actually…
When ‘well’ is used before verbs like this, it’s hyphenated.
Pretty much any time looking, seeming, or some other suggesting term like this comes after an adjective, it’s hyphenated. This happens a few times in your story with a few more in chapters 5 and 6.
Repetitive, though I’d like to address a larger issue here in the fact that I had to bust out ol’ Merriam-Webster to even understand what this meant. That’s a fancy word that’s there just to be all fancy and whatnot, and it distracted me so much that--I stress--I had to get a dictionary.
Maybe I’m of simple mind, but sometimes big words don’t have to be so big. Smaller words are fine, much easier to read, and most importantly, I don’t have to stop reading your story and crack open a dictionary to understand what I just read.
This struck me as a personal thought along the lines of internal speech, but the fact that it’s not indicated as such threw me off for a minute. Considering you’ve other text to indicate thoughts like this that are italicized, this ought to be as well.
This actually doesn’t need a hyphen.
Ehe, maybe that’s a slip, but I’m pretty sure that ‘a’ is unnecessary.
‘stragetically’ is an adverb, and thus doesn’t need to be hyphenated for ‘placed’.
Multi-word descriptor for stallions, therefore it’s all hyphenated.
Also, sex sells, Lumi. We wouldn’t have an entire industry dedicated to it if it didn’t sell.
Uninterrupted, Tte whole quote reads as follows: “That’s what I love about you, Book. You’re always so positive.”
Therefore, that needs a period and capital.
There ought to be an ‘I’ in there.
Missing apostrophe.
Last one, last chapter:
You’ve been using ‘realised’ all the way through until this point. ‘Tis not good to mix American and UK English like this, so that’s an inconsistency.
That’s about it for mechanics. Your first few chapters had a mostly stumble-free start, and with about one to three errors per chapter beyond that, my reading’s been mostly uninterrupted or bogged down by anything serious. That’s some rock-solid work.
If I were to point out your biggest punctual error, that would be hyphens, hyphens, hyphens. Other than that, this story is… clean. Very tidy, and polished to a wonderful sheen that’s pleasing to see.
Now then, time for the first focus you wanted me to look at: plot development. And boy howdy, you’ve got a setup ready.
Each chapter you’ve got so lovingly informs me (a key word, inform) of the miniscule machinations a changeling Cluster goes through. The need to feed not just one, but many, as managed by a Den Mother and Cluster-Leader; the coexistence between ponies and disguised changelings, not to mention the interactions between other Clusters based in different towns--and all the subtle subterfuge; the training of various subsets of changelings to not only set up assets with Infiltrators, but harvest them through careful, managed use of Gatherers. It shows organization and complexity amid a veil of secrecy akin to an underground cult-like hierarchy, complete with ritualistic Feeding sessions, gathering of tithes from Independents living in a Cluster’s territory, and the tenderly controlled politics of dealing with an insane queen living in a desert who gorges on her oasis of Love.
Beyond this, we’ve another intriguing plot point like the acquirement of a potential human asset. After Lumi experienced human Love firsthoof--and could feed her cluster for 3 DAYS (that’s bringing home the bacon right there), she’s rather adamant in trying to find a steady asset like that, and who should come in but a human author by the name of Bradley. He’s not an asset yet as of my reading, but judging from Lumi’s interactions with him, I’d be wholly surprised if he doesn’t become one later on.
And then there’s the last big plot point: the dead changelings. Not only could this further propagate investigation from higher authorities up in Canterlot, it also introduces a potential Changeling killer. Of course, dear Chrissy’s worried about this because it’s making some of the other Clusters concerned, but to hire her daughter to investigate these matters is a most curious arrangement indeed. Especially since it’s implied that these two tried to kill each other once… and somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.
This makes for a very interesting opening, and I’m rather curious to see how things progress on all fronts… although personally, I’m very interested in seeing Silverfly’s training montage, complete with Rocky music. It’s probably not going to happen that quick due to your careful pacing, but I’ll imagine it anyway.
I’d also like to take a moment to address something I really enjoyed in this: your descriptions.
The attention to detail in this story is quite remarkable, and very precise in giving a grand amount of detail without somehow becoming overbearing. You keep the description of ponies short and sweet while delicately crafting the scenery with fluid brushstrokes. Just that paragraph above made me want to cast aside all preconceptions I had of changelings and WANT to enter one of their hives. Crumbs, you could probably put me in a cocoon at that point and I wouldn’t care. So long as I’m breathing the equivalent of York patties, I’m sold.
Keep those wonderful descriptions flowing, for I believe those to be one of your strongest points in this story.
Now then, characters.
Luminescent Firefly, AKA Illuminating Starburst. She’s a thinker who thinks, overthinks, and could probably think her way into and out of almost any situation. Seriously, the amount of thought she puts into everything strikes me as paranoid and calculating at times, but given her nature of her work, such thoughts are welcome.
There is no time for Love for her beyond what she can harvest for her Cluster. Dedicated to keeping her Cluster alive, there seems to be no significant low she won’t breach to accomplish that goal, up to and including striking a deal with another Cluster to feed off one of their assets in desperation.
Yet she is also reasonable, responsible, and good-natured despite her parasitic lifestyle. She manages a double-life with a job at a bookstore, keeps a good relationship with at least one asset in town, and is also responsible for training another Infiltrator who has no idea what she’s doing. Not to mention she has to deal with her mother, who you’ve made very clear that she loathes with a passion.
She’s got mommy issues.
Next up is Silverfly, AKA Silver Lining. She’s a young Infiltrator-in-training also dedicated to serving the Cluster, but to the fault of being short-sighted in that goal. She’s also got some steady relationships as another alias in Amber Cloud, which already doubles the amount of work for her in keeping those two lives separate. Her emotions also aren’t as in check as Lumi’s, and she frequently needs a reminder to keep them under control. Gods forbid that she be readable like a book… in a bookstore.
But she’s quite eager to learn the ins and outs of her new job, and when properly working as she is, she’s able to keep a mostly level head about her, even becoming useful at times in relaying information.
Whether or not she’s able to keep her life under control is up to her, however. Lumi can only do so much.
I can’t say a ton about Bradley yet, given how little of him is in this story, but he does appear approachable and enjoyable thus far. His natural curiosity of changelings is certainly going to give Lumi pause, and--potentially--make for an internal conflict of sorts for Lumi, given her duplicity. I’m getting a curious feeling about him in regards to that relationship, but as it’s yet to fully develop, I’ll keep my reservations close to the chest.
Although I know there’s going to be a sex scene for him and Lumi eventually. There’s enough teasing on Lumi’s end to confirm that much.
Then we’ve got other supporting characters like Book Keeper, Bastion, Gypsy, Cherry, Hopper, etc. Each one conveys uniqueness in such a way that if I took the time to deconstruct every single one of them, it would likely double the length of this review. However, I will say that all are likable thus far… with exception of one.
Chrysalis. Her evil, gluttonous, seductive form appears once again, and this time, she’s not so overstretching of her thinking so as to let one crack in her plans slip by this time. Given I’ve only one scene from which to judge her, I can’t say much other than she’s evil, she’s plotting, and she’s got something up her chitinous sleeve.
Beyond the so-called Changeling killer, she’s a Big Bad in this story to me (or so Lumi perceives her to be), and she’s lacking in some redeemable quality for me to really like her as a villain. Good villains have those, and the fact that she’s on bad terms with her daughter doesn’t do much to sway anything in her favor either. It does, however, make me curious as to why such terms exist as they are. Perhaps they’ll be elaborated upon later.
But if Chrissy gets fat from all the Love she eats, I’ll laugh just imagining that.
I think now’s a good time for a recap:
Mechanics
Outside of the first few chapters having some stumbles, this story is otherwise unmarred by serious errors. Just cut down on fancy terms like that verisiwhatever it’s called, and keep a good eye on hyphen usage, and you ought to be fine.
Story
A very solid set-up as far as I can tell. You got your main plot rolling in addition to some very interesting subplots. Development ought to be smooth sailing as I’ve found no hiccups to derail them this early on.
Characters
Most of your characters are likable with exception to Chrysalis, who even though I’ve seen for just one scene, I don’t like because she’s yet to make me find a reason to enjoy her as a villain. I’m willing to cut a tiny bit of slack on this in anticipation that she’s got some very good reasons for what she’s doing, but as those have yet to appear, my judgment for her is currently negative.
Final Thoughts
This story’s a youngling that’s already learned how to walk and talk. They might have tripped early on, but have since corrected their stride, and so far they move forward with purpose and direction. I look forward to see where it travels.
Information is everything, and I sincerely hope you’ve found some things to take away from this review. If you’ve questions, comments, or other concerns, feel free to drop me a PM.
Until then, this is Tom, WRITE's Delusional Diamond, rolling out.
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Thanks for the review. I'll work on those. I have been plagued with the double-space syndrome. No idea why. The rest, I'll give it another look.
4575883
Also, I'm trying to find when I repeated verisimilitude. And I promise, I wasn't cheating by changing it without telling, but I only used that once in chapter one, and recall using it again in a different chapter.
4576701
Chapter 2, if I recall. When Lumi put the Love into the orb for the feeding.
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Hmmm... I'll have to think about that one. Anyways, thanks again.
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"I seen her" -- clearly wrong conjugation, should be "I saw her". Normal phrasing would be, "She looked a little larger than when I last saw her."
4576701
Personally I don't have a problem with the word verisimilitude, but both times you use it wrong. It means "'fake but almost perfect'-ness". I don't think you meant to say that his love or emotions are fake. I'm not sure what word(s) you were looking for. Perhaps for the first, vitality or vivacity? Richness? For the second, variety? Depth or richness? Paragon, prince, "most precious"? I'm just not sure. If you elaborate on what you were aiming for, I could help you pick a good word.
I want to complement you. You got the set up here for a really good story. You've got Lumi with the skills of a natural born spy, Bradley with curiosity, imagination, and knowledge about spies, and you have a high stakes murder mystery. Things are set to really take off! I can't to see what happens next.
With this latest author's note, I got thinking to thinking about the length of the story and the speed it's developing at...
I think this story is likely to end up at-least 120,000 words long, though 170,000 seems achievable, and perhaps more desirable, of a length. Making it more than 220,000 would probably qualify the story as a 'grand adventure'. And I think that this universe has a high potential for multiple sequels, granting the collective works the the status of 'epic'.
Anyway, I give those numbers for the first story without knowing what you have planned, other than what I can guess at from the hints scattered throughout your story.
I'm getting curious about how the culture back on Earth is being affected by the travel between universes. Travel between seems to be somewhat limited; might there be research being done on creating new gateways, or even ways to use the current one more efficiently for transport of people and goods? If magic is usable on the Earth side of the gateway/portal/whatever (can't remember what it's referred to as in the story), even if only a short distance away, then I think that there could be ways to increase the capacity of the thing, even if it has to be invented from the ground up.
Uh anyway ... in-case you couldn't tell, I think that the Gentlemanverse is the best thing since flatbread was invented.
Bradley seems like a really cool guy to hang out with. Likeable human is best human.
How about that super-cool British accent eh? I'm from the Midwest U.S. and we all sound boring and plain; no spy girlfriend for me I'm afraid.
5075594 Flatbread is so ancient Mesopotamia. Truly the Gentlemanverse will put the works of Egypt and their former client states to shame.
I'm a bit curious about Earth as well. This Little Beauty Here hints at turmoil on both ends, but I'm unaware of DEL canonizing anything outside of his own works.
5078068
Truly!
And thank you for telling me of that story. It has now gone to my reading later list; as I thought it looked like something I might like. Canon or not.
5078291 Yeah that one is one of the truly unappreciated gems on this site. He really makes his characters shine and builds a lot onto the infrastructure of the universe. Alas, it's mostly OC's so the anti-clopper bombardment came before he could get any real traction going. At least this is what I can divine from my own experience with the Fimfiction charts. I think the exact same people who downvoted my story downvoted his! I feel like we're practically brothers now.
Aww, and here I was hoping Chryssie wouldn't be irredeemably evil and insane in this setting. :< I just know something bad will happen to her before this is over. *hugs his Chrysalis plush *
Cya
Raziel-chan