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Drefsab

Joined February 2012
366 followers

I'm a guy who gets bored at work and writes about ponies. Sometimes it's clop, sometimes it's action and adventure. Hopefully I'm not terrible at it. Rarity is best pone.

Stories (1)

  • Darkness: The Haunting of Ponyville
    One year after The Great Darkness, Written Scroll sets out to speak with the survivors of Ponyville's horrific haunting.

    9,639 words · 308 views · 31 likes · 1 dislikes
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Comments ( 1,170 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · 3 · ·

I...

I don't know what my emotions are doing, Ill be honest. good read though. Ill give you an up-thumbs and a "Gewd jawb".

Lately ive been reading more and more clop... I'm a little concerned with myself..

I also have no clue what the comment above mine says.

#2 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

>>251000

A) The length of something is not a valid point against the story, unless you're able prove that this story's length somehow works against it.

B) If you can't come up...

C) ...with more negative points...

D) I read this story twice and I still didn't find any over explained points. Could you please point one out to me?

E) ...don't put these in. It makes you look stupid.

F) Says the person who's characterization of Pinkie Pie was non-existent at best, and when it wasn't it was horrible. Those were my thoughts when I read your story which, might I add, has more thumbs down than up. Then again, what do I know... it was too long. I just skimmed it. :trollestia:

The moral of the story is this: Don't go around criticizing other's stories when you have nothing to back your arguments with. ESPECIALLY if one of your stories is a trollfic and your only real one has more thumbs down than up. So don't complain when you honestly don't know what you're talking about. You idiot.

Now about the story:

It was quite nice. It was romantic, well characterized, and you portrayed the connection between Rarity and "me" well. I also like how you managed to portray the connection between Rarity and her friend. She's only there for a while and is gone as soon as she arrived but it doesn't leave you thinking who she was and what she was about. You can figure out all about her quite quickly and clearly.  Well done. The drama was nicely done too. It felt real and it payed off to a heart warming ending. The only negative points I can find are that, while still well done, the sex scenes seem off and the job and the connection to the co-workers of our protagonist is only lightly touched upon. I would have also liked to see more of his backstory. Which was quite subtly put in and it didn't break the flow of the story. But what bothers me is that we slowly start to learn about how he ended up in Equestria, but then it's just dropped. So yeah, I guess Mr. Dashin was somewhat correct in his point about the length being a problem. But instead of being too long, it was too short. The story feels like it's gonna expand on a couple of aspects but then runs out of space/time.

So that's my two cents. You can either take what I said as it is. Or you can count in the fact that it's very late at the time of writing and I'm sleepy as all hell. And maybe tomorrow I wake up and see that your story is a pile of incomprehensible babble and I just imagined the story in and I see that my comment is completely unjustified. (About the story that is. I still think Dashin's an idiot.) But I doubt that.

#3 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

>>251391

Hey, thanks for the feedback, Amppi. It's much appreciated, especially as this is my first piece of 'adult' fiction. This is a work-in-progress story, not a one-shot, so I plan to cover any issues in future chapters.

Let's see here...

-I intend to expand on the roles of both Rarity's friend, and the construction guys, in further chapters. I wanted to just introduce them here, especially Cashmere, because I intend for her to have a large role in the future. You can probably guess her role by her personality...or I would hope, if I wrote it properly. Rest assured, you'll get to know the other characters well enough soon.

-Writing sex scenes is hard, I've come to find out. It's a really delicate thing. As I re-read through this, I'm finding the first scene to be somewhat rushed, and that bugs me. So, look for that to be improved in the future. I didn't want to just...skim over the intimacy, like I've seen a lot of people do. Would you say it was too descriptive, or took too long, or something like that?

-The audience-insert main character's story will, needless to say, be expanded upon. I've always liked dropping the backstory slowly, in pieces, because I think reading a huge chunk of what is, essentially, exposition is kind of tiring. I'm planning out the next chapter as I type this, and I'm going to try and focus primarily on the backstory and the side characters.

I'm relieved that the drama came across well without crossing into melodrama!

For most of this, it was basically myself trying to 'feel out' the story, seeing what works and what doesn't so that I can improve upon those things in future chapters.

Thanks for your constructive criticism, I really appreciate it! :raritywink:

-Dref

#4 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

>>251000

Flat criticism helps no one, bro. Constructive criticism is what helps people improve.

The operative word is 'constructive' here.

#5 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

I am reading this simply because your description made me laugh my arse off. Thank you for that ^_^

#6 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

Strange... Looks like this Fic can't decide if it's a humanised story, a HiE story or a regular romance/ clop story. This makes for some odd reading. For example, first we get this line: "She grasps your head in her hooves and turns you to face her". A few lines later we get this: "Pulling back and letting her arms rest on your shoulders". I'm sorry, I wasn't aware ponies had arms. I thought they possessed forelegs. This confusion tends to ruin the immersion of what would otherwise be a great story.

#7 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

>>251489

It's wonderful to hear that my criticism can be of use. It's also wonderful to know that things will be expanded upon in future chapters. What I initially meant was that the backstory tidbits and characters really left me wanting to read and learn more about them. This is a good thing, and means you managed to make the story very captivating. And you wrote the character of Cashmere perfectly. The character feels very real and flows into the story.

The sex wasn't over descriptive or anything, it was just fine. I just think it's missing this feel to it. I guess "intimacy" is the best word I can come up with to describe it. I'm not saying that you skimmed over any of it or anything. I'm saying that it's still missing something. It's missing a bit of the connection between rarity and our protagonist that can be seen in other scenes. The sex isn't too long and it doesn't drag on or anything. So good job on that.

The drama as I said, is done very well. It feels very real and it flows into the story perfectly. The drama sucks you into the story well enough that you can feel the weight of the air as our protagonist contemplates his actions. Same goes for the romance. And the connection. etc.

So yeah, the story is wonderful and I can't wait see more. Keep up the great work.

This actually my first time writing criticism, let alone constructive at that. So I hope I managed to get my opinions across in this one as well as the previos one.

#8 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

>>251529

Heya Bloodpool, I must confess to that part being a result of indecision. Do you describe their front legs as "arms", since they use them to manipulate things, or forelegs? I actually changed those two words around a lot. In the future, I'll stick with "forelegs". Sorry for the confusion!

#9 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

>>251524

Thanks! I'm going to try and keep descriptions light-hearted and silly, because, honestly, a story about romantic ponies is silly. Might as well have fun with it!

#10 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

>>251595

You are indeed helpful, so don't worry about it. Trying to get that 'intimate' feeling is proving to be quite a challenge. I thought I'd written the scenes with a good amount of intimacy, especially the second one at the end of the story, but that's something I'll try to fix. That was actually the primary goal of that scene near the end, and I tried to convey the intimacy and emotion of it. Failing to get that across fully irks me a bit. I may have to revisit it.

I'm hoping that Rarity, as I've written her, is sufficiently in-character. I think some people expect her to be this hoity-toity personality all the time, but as we've seen in the show, she's very caring and considerate when she wants to be. To me, she seems like she'd be a very intimate and frank person (or rather, pony) to be around, a little more laid-back than she outwardly appears, at least in the context of a relationship.

So, yeah, thanks again. You're a big help!

#11 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

I normally don't approve of this kind of stuff but damnit I approve of this

#12 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

Also, that was beautiful and well written. You held true to your descriptions claim, and you should be proud ^_^

#13 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

>>252323

>>252553

Thanks, guys! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Nowhere to go but up from here.

#14 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 1d ago · · ·

Nice to know I can be of help. :twilightsmile:

If I may expand upon my original opinion about the sex now that I've slept and re-read the last scene, I think why it feels like it's missing something is that, while the foreplay is just nice and you can feel the connection, the sex itself in the last scene is brief and over slightly too quickly. So it's sorta abrupt. Then again, I'm no expert. I don't want my opinions taken too seriously, only as somewhat helpful advice. :raritywink: Don't wanna be the reason of ruining a story. So it's just fine, all tough might need a bit of work.

As far as the character o rarity goes, I have to agree with you. So in my opinion, your characterization of her is just perfect.

#15 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 19h ago · · ·

>>251603 Personally, I tend to use the term "forelegs". Ponies aren't bipedal: they walk with all four limbs on the ground, thus lending more weight to the theory that they have forelegs and not arms. I belive that an organism only posseses arms if it does not use the same apendages to walk.

And by the way, I find the sex scenes a little too graphic; I don't have a problem with that, but they seem like you've just pulled them from a regular clopfic, which makes them less erotic and just plain awkward. In books, particulary romance novels, sex scenes usally center on the feelings and emotions of the charecters rather than the physical act.

#16 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 18h ago · · ·

>>254842

I see what you're saying with the sex scenes. I think it's just a matter of personal preference on things like that. Personally, descriptive scenes in fics have never bothered me, but I can see how they could do so with some people. I think when I first started writing this fic, I was going for "a clopfic with a story in it", but after feedback, and spending (no joke) five hours writing part of the second chapter last night, it's really become more like "a story with a clopfic in it". While I don't plan on cutting out descriptions entirely --after all, let's be honest, quite a few people are reading stories like this for the sex-- I do plan on making them more infrequent and more emotional, so that when they do happen, they have a greater impact.

I'm being long-winded again, so I'll cut it off here. Thanks for the feedback!

#17 · Chapter 1 · 112w, 18h ago · · ·

>>255012 I agree with you: as with most things, it simply comes down to a matter of personal taste in the end.

#18 · Chapter 1 · 111w, 6d ago · · ·

drama lol i rly enjoyed reading this and not just as another clopfic

hope to read moar soon

#19 · Chapter 1 · 111w, 2d ago · · ·

Ho-ly shit. Probably one of the best clop fics I've ever read so far. I've always been a sucker for 2nd person, so that drew me right in. I just hope the one I'm writing can stack up.

#20 · Chapter 2 · 111w, 1d ago · · ·

First! :pinkiehappy: I'm really liking this I love the long chapters.

#21 · Chapter 2 · 111w, 1d ago · · ·

What a wonderful chapter to accompany the other wonderful chapter. Once again, I gotta point out how well you've portrayed everything. From Rarity to the town itself, everything has greatly written character and natural flow. Not really much to say here, since all the good points that I mentioned in the last chapter are present here. Many things are also improved upon. In the last chapter I mentioned how it felt like the story didn't get to explain everything and thus, felt too short. Well, that has been replaced with a perfect overall pace and a satisfying ending to this chapter. And I love how the characters are given more... well... character. They seem a lot more 3 dimensional and organic. Everything feels real and natural. the romance and the connection between Rarity and the protagonist is ever present and very apparent from the interactions between them. The connection and the past between Rarity and Cashmere was very well expanded upon too, feeling real and believable. I could go on, but I would just end up repeating myself about the characters and how fun it is to see more backstory and depth. Yeah, that's the word. Depth. So much of this story has great depth. So, yeah. This chapter's great and works just as well without the sex, which is always a plus :twilightsmile:. Keep up the good work and if there's anything you want critique of, let me now. Can't wait for the next one.

#22 · Chapter 2 · 111w, 1d ago · · ·

>>277865

Thanks! They take a while to write, but in the end they're worth it.

>>277949

Heya Amppi, always good to heard your thoughts. I'm ecstatic that you thought the chapter was done well, I was really trying to tighten up my writing and work on characterization. It would seem I've done a pretty decent job! Hooray! Thanks once again for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

Now to figure out where to go from here...

#23 · Chapter 2 · 111w, 1d ago · · ·

excellent looking forward to future installments i hope there's going to be more back story to the relationship like the beginning of this chapter :twilightsmile:

#24 · Chapter 2 · 111w, 14h ago · · ·

>>279657

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that question. Anyway, I just remembered something I forgot to mention last time.  I forgot to mention that the date (as in, the one behind the picture in the box) is also interestingly done. And that's a great thing. Just wanted to put that out there.

#25 · Chapter 2 · 111w, 13h ago · · ·

>>282354

What question? It was a rhetorical "well, what do I do now", as in, I'm trying to figure out where to take the story now.

I'm glad someone noticed the date thing! I've been neck-deep in Skyrim for a few months now, and I really liked how their date system is separated into Eras (or is it Empires?), so I copied it over with a small change.

#26 · Chapter 2 · 111w, 4h ago · · ·

>>282635

Sorry. I'm not too good with rhetorical questions.

I think it's Emipres in skyrim. But it should be Eras in Equestria, since the rulers never actually chance regularly... Or something. I'm not sure.

Also, if you're in need of a pre-reader or any other form of help, I'd be glad to assist in any way I can.

#27 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

That's a lot longer than I expected! How wonderful. More reading material this time.

Anyway, once again it's great seeing you expand upon the world they're in. With the characterization of Canterlot you've given, the world has a lot more depth. I also like the ever expanding character of Pipe, with us this time seeing more detail on his relationship with his missus. Not much else to say here, the same good points I have mentioned earlier being either as good or better in this. Although I must say that I like how you did the argument. Very well written. You're gonna start getting more detailed comments when the heat and drama increases, giving me more things to work with. Keep up the stellar work! Always looking forward to it!

#28 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

I love long chapters! I actually really really like the flashbacks to his arrival. They're like a tease because I want to know the whole story.

#29 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

Ooooh. I like it.

More flashback background info and some hot, steamy Human x Pony love.

Also, yay for cursing ponies! :pinkiecrazy: :raritystarry: :moustache:

#30 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

once again an amazing Chapter and what a good chapter it is. I love this story, not because of the clop, but because of the expert writing. Well done and I can only hope to Read another chapter soon.

Edit:I have just seen the word count, I did not even realise how many words were in that chapter, it did not feel like there was that many. Again well done such an entertaining story.

#31 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

>>309112

Hello once again, Amppi! I'm glad you've enjoyed this chapter, and I'm glad you mentioned Canterlot. Part of my goal with this story is making the world "you" and Rarity live in feel like it's a real place. Too many stories focus on just one place, or, with clopfics, the bedroom. I've always found that boring. There's a whole world out there, might as well explore it. Also, I'm happy to see that the argument was well-written. Like all writers, I am my own worst critic, and I'm always thinking "I don't know if this is good enough", so it's nice to see things play out like I was hoping.

>>309117

Thank you! Deciding whether or not to just "exposition dump" the protagonist's back story has been a recurring question, but I like doling it out piecemeal like this. Just another thing to keep people hooked.

>>309217

Fuck yeah, cursing ponies! Always fun to write, and read.

Steamy pony love is the best kind of pony love. Always wanted to try my hand at writing spur-of-the-moment stuff like that, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. :raritywink:

>>309620

Thanks, Shadow. I try to make every chapter accomplish something and progress the story. I'll be taking a day off from writing, but I intend to start back up on Monday. Hopefully with a chapter that's just a wee bit shorter. They're fun to read, but good Celestia, they take FOREVER to write.

You guys are awesome, thanks for reading my story! I appreciate each and every reader I get, believe me.

#32 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

been waiting for this great chapter

take that cash ya bitch :raritywink:

#33 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

"So tell me...Cashmere..."

She has her mouth achingly close, teasingly hovering just above her cheek.

"...how many ponies here tonight are wearing your designs?"

---

Game, set, match: Rarity. :raritywink:

#34 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

Daww, that was beautiful :raritycry: Your characterization in this chapter (even moreso than the previous two) is top notch :D Everyone feels alive and relatable. I particularly loved his reaction to waking up in the hospital, since many of the fics glass over the "OHSHIT" moment that would go through someones head in that situation. You're right, doing it in pieces is the best way to go, no matter how antagonizing it is to wait for the update for more. Their take down of Cashmere was absolutely brilliant. I'm a bit surprised Rarity didn't mention the "elements of harmony, took down two Gods, held her own with two dragons, friends with the princesses, might actually design something for them at some point" aspects of her recent life. Seems that being on a regular talking basis with Celestia would be a nice blow to strike. Anyway, Well structured, hints of psychological warfare, even a bit of understanding Cash's mind. Write on good sir, we all await more :twilightsmile:

#35 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

>>309818

>>310051

You have no idea how long I was sitting here trying to come up with a good line for that, lol. And it worked out! Hooray! Writing the dialog between Rarity and Cashmere is a ton of fun, it's become my favorite thing to try and come up with. Writing two women in a catfight, while still maintaining their air of civility (more or less) is great fun.

>>310292

Howdy, Bridge. I actually rewrote that opening a few times, because I wanted to convey that "oh shit!" kind of moment. I mean, really...if you woke up in a hospital surrounded by talking, brightly-colored ponies, wouldn't you be a little freaked out? I know I sure would.

I didn't mention the elements or their adventures or what-not because, so far, the drama between the two of them has been business-related. Doesn't mean I can't keep it stored away for later use, though :raritywink:

#36 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

Heh, I think you nailed it pretty well :)

Gotcha :) I can see it now: "Oh, you've got a nice bit of business I see Cashmere. I'll leave you to it then, Princess Celestia is waiting for me to design something for her, and you just can't keep royalty waiting... too long."

Cashmere: @_@

#37 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

As always, very good...

(Anyone else hate the word 'babe' as much as I do?)

#38 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 5d ago · · ·

>>311375

Well, it's a pretty common word when used between couples, and I think it adds a bit of realism to the relationship. As is, I try to vary the little pet-names as much as possible, but there's only so many you can use. I end up using pet names more than I usually would for a story, mostly because I'm avoiding using a name for the audience-insert protagonist.

#39 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 5d ago · · ·

>>311897

Yeah, I know. I still really enjoyed it. That's just a little quirk of mine.

What about darling?

It's a TRAGEDY how little darling has been used! How un-lady-like! :raritycry:

#40 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 5d ago · · ·

>>311910

Ha, funny you should mention it, I always feel like I'm using "darling" too much, since it is kinda Rarity's signature word in the show. Again, I try to vary the usage, because reading the same thing over and over would get boring.

Glad you enjoyed the story, though!

#41 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 5d ago · · ·

You cant imagine how hard  it is to read  fanfic, let alone a clopfic, with your loved ones very close by. I squee'd twice quite loudly which almost tipped them off. I think I made it worse when I tried to hide it...

Anyway the first was the FO:E reference with the Sparkle~Cola and the second was that little exchange with 'Cash'. I've long since gotten over the whole "feeling feelings from smutfics is wrong" stage and I really hope to see this continue. Not a lot of critisizms either just keep it up!

#42 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 5d ago · · ·

>>312615

Hahaha, I'm glad someone caught the FO:E Reference! I freakin' love that fanfic so much, it's unbelievable. Thanks for the encouragement, I'm gonna start on chapter four tomorrow! :raritystarry:

#43 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

I made an account just to comment on this story. This story is outright AWESOME, and I am eagerly awaiting the next chapter. Keep up the great work!

#44 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

>>316768

I appreciate that, Kip. I know I'm filling up the comments section with my own, uh, comments, but I only do so because I'm absolutely overjoyed any time I get a comment on my story. I'm starting work on chapter 4 tonight, should be a good one. Hopefully!

#45 · Chapter 1 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

Absolutely incredible beginning, that is what tips me off to if this is king to be a good story or not, but the chapter lengths are kind of annoying because I'm on mobile so if I get a text I have to leave the page and lose my spot, course instead of waking in the bed it would have been cool if he woke on a beach and the story developed from there

#46 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

>>317397

Well, that's part of the narrative. The backstory is revealed a bit at a time. If the opening memory went straight into the protagonist lying on the beach (or rather, near the edge of the Everfree Forest), then that would defeat the purpose. Besides, at this point in the story, the protagonist's story has passed the initial incident and has moved to the start of his life in Equestria.

Which will, of course, be expanded upon in this chapter.

#47 · Chapter 1 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

OK not only did my face light up with a big grin at the doctor who reference (my favorite show ever) but the story itself is amazing, I could not just skim this one over, I was to drawn in, I can see now that this will probably become my favorite story (or very close to favorite)

#48 · Chapter 2 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

Jesus, this chapter had half the views of the first, I guess people really only care about the clop

#49 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 3d ago · · ·

>>318532

Give it time, it's only been out a few days, and the initial chapter has been out about three weeks now. There's always the people who read the first chapter and don't read the others, no big deal. I mean, you like the new chapter, right? I keep writing this story for the people who enjoy it, so no worries.

#50 · Chapter 3 · 109w, 3d ago · · ·

I just realized I forgot to indent the third chapter. Derp. :derpyderp2:

Quick fix, at least.

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