Broken Hearted
Broken Hearted
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Sheltering Heart groaned as she came back to something resembling wakefulness. The darkness around her, however, seemed to swallow the sound, muffling it and quickly killing it away. Experimentally, she closed her eyes, then opened them again, noting that there didn’t appear to be any difference in the level of light between the two states. Following that, the gray-colored unicorn tried to stand, only to discover the hard way that bonds of some sort had been placed between her forehooves and a collar around her throat. A thought finally managed to penetrate the fuzziness around Heart’s mind, and she illuminated her horn, casting a pale silver light over the area.
The first thing Heart did in the light was to take a look at her hooves and the bonds holding them. Each hoof appeared to have a thin metal band dully glinting on it. The bands themselves were delicate and appeared to have been specially crafted; under other circumstances, they might have been called bracelets. However, the metal cables coming off of them indicated that the word ‘manacle’ would probably be a better fit. One short cable tied the two manacles together; each also had a longer cable that ran up to underneath Heart’s chin and vanished from her sight. A careful pulse of magic also warned her that her bonds were enchanted; at the mere presence of her power, the manacles and as yet unseen collar warmed up alarmingly, only to cool a second later. She did wonder why her light had no effect on them, but after a moment, she cast the thought aside.
Bereft of any direct options for escape, Heart lifted her head as high as she could and looked around, taking in as much her surroundings as she could. They were, in fact, depressingly familiar - although the room had been emptied, she saw from the shelf layout that she lay in the middle of one of the storage rooms under the Eagle’s Nest waystation where she worked; second sub-basement, third corridor if her memory served correctly. The closed doorway was right across from her, only a few yards away, as though mocking her inability to move.
Some time had passed. Heart wasn’t sure how much of it had gone by; with no clock, no light but her own, and no others coming by, there really wasn’t anything to differentiate one moment from the next. She had utilized the time to gather herself in, focusing on what she could possibly do to help herself escape. Outside of her light spell, all attempts at magic so far had triggered the collar and manacles, even simply trying to use her telekinesis to unlock (not open, just unlock) the door. Given that, she had instead tried to recall as much as she could of what captors had done, only to discover that she couldn’t directly recall anything. Her last clear memories were of speaking with a caravan master heading for Llamrei’s Haul, listening to the stallion complaining about some others travelling with him. Whenever she tried to recall anything beyond that point, her thoughts went fuzzy again, preventing her. It happened too regularly for normal forgetfulness - she was obviously under some kind of memory-blocking spell. That, even more than having awoken as a captive, was worrying her. In the midst of her pondering, Heart’s attention was caught by a new noise. She looked up, watching as the door in front of her opened, admitting three additional ponies to the room.
The first was a light tan pegasus mare, a sealed scroll emblazoned on her flank. She had a brown mane and tail, bound in the manner of a Canterlot serving pony, and her eyes glowed a disturbing green shade, masking their true color. She simply stepped inside, then held the door as the others came in.
The second pony to pass through the door was Petal Rain, an earth pony who’d worked under Heart almost as long as Eagle’s Nest had been in operation, but it was a version of her that Heart had never seen before. Petal’s lilac hide and golden mane and tail were the same, but it looked as though someone had taken black dye to her cutie mark, a large “X” cutting across the floral emblem, and the mare who had always had a kind word for everypony she spoke to was glaring with contempt and disdain at her employer. When she realized that Heart was looking at her, Petal explicitly went out of her way to step forward and spit, aiming for the ground just in front of Heart’s hooves.
The last of the three ponies to step into the room was a white-coated unicorn, her hair and eyes vivid blue. Mane and tail were bound into the latest fashionable style from Canterlot, but loosely, as if their bearer hadn’t actually cared about her appearance, and the cutie mark on her flank was a dancing tongue of fire, the same shocking blue as her eyes and hair. The unicorn stepped over, looking disdainfully down at Heart, and sniffed.
“Well, my dear, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
Heart looked up, startled, as the unicorn spoke. “What on Equestria are you talking about? I’ve never seen you before in my life!”
“Tsk, tsk. Rudeness isn’t very becoming, you know. Blight, dear, show her the problems with rudeness.” At the unicorn’s command, Petal Rain walked over to Heart’s side. She stood there for a moment, then reared up and came crashing down, both forehooves slamming into Heart’s side with intense force. From the blossom of pain that suddenly flowered inside her barrel, Heart was afraid the blow had injured a rib. Once it had been administered, however, Petal simply stepped back away, returning to the Canterlot unicorn’s side. The unicorn gave a bright, totally false smile, and started talking again. “You see, my dear? Politeness is free to use, and it doesn’t get you pounded into a hideous pulp.”
“Fine, you’ve made your point.” At the unicorn’s raised eyebrow, Heart added a grudging “ma’am” to her sentence. The unicorn gave her a smile, as one might give to a pet that had just performed a trick, and started again.
“Ah, you can be polite, can’t you? Don’t worry, I’ll make this brief.
“The name I gave you up above? ‘Blue Flame’? That’s totally false. My true name, dear Sheltering Heart, is Corundum... Queen Corundum. And right now, I’m in need of your assistance for a little project of my own. Once you know all the details, I’m sure you’ll want to help me.”
Heart clacked her jaw shut from where it had dropped. “Queen. Right. Like I’m supposed to believe that little bit of nonsense.”
Corundum briefly snarled, and Petal started to step forward again, but the unicorn regained her composure quickly enough, waving the earth pony back and responding in the same wheedling tone of voice she’d been using before. “Oh, it’s true. Allow me to demonstrate.” A wave of green fire flared out over the unicorn, and when it finished, something else stood in her place. The shocking blue eyes and mane were the same color, but the eyes had become slitted things with double-rimmed irises, and holes punched through the mane and tail. Similar holes marred the suddenly-lanky limbs, and a pair of battered insect wings burst forth from black chitin that had once been white hide. A split second later, a similar transformation occurred to Petal Rain, revealing a smaller, but no less fearsome monster.
The larger of the two stepped forward, gesturing at itself theatrically. “As I said, Queen Corundum. A queen of the changelings, as you well knew. Oh yes, my fearful little fast-beating Heart, you knew. After all,” she said, her nose almost directly on top of Sheltering Heart’s forehead, “my midnight snack over there is the only real pony in the room right now, isn’t she?”
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Frantically, Heart shook her head. “I... I don’t know what you’re...”
Corundum cut her off with a hoof to the mouth. “My dear, lying is impolite. I’ve given you the chance to come clean willingly, but now I’m afraid it’s time to make my point the hard way. Blight?” At the smaller changeling’s nod, the queen stepped back from Heart. “You know what to do. Break her.”
Blight stepped forward, deathly green light flickering on her horn and hooves as she did so. As before, the changeling reared up and struck downward, but then used the recoil from the blow to rear up once more, repeating the process. Again and again the vicious blows rained down on Heart’s unprotected side and back.
Despite the pain, Heart’s will held her together for a time, but there comes a point when the body simply cries ‘enough’. Finally, after many pounding blows, Heart reached that point - her body’s pain overrode her mind’s determination, and she cried out as a wave of white fire engulfed her. Once it was gone, so too was the teal-maned gray unicorn who had once stood there; in her place lay a shuddering changeling queen, teal-maned and silver-chitined, rings of charred and melted shell present on her pasterns and throat where the manacles and collar had burned into her as she transformed.
Corundum gave Heart the same mocking smile as before. “You see? We’re not so different, are we? I’m sure once we’ve had a chance to talk, you’ll be perfectly willing to help me with my plans.”
Heart snarled at the black-chitined queen. “I would never help darkling scum like you!”
Corundum shook her head slowly, in a parody of sadness. “Ah, such misplaced fervor. Don’t worry, my dear - we’ll bring you around in no time.”
“And what makes you so sure of that, monster?”
“A few things,” Corundum said. “First, there’s this... Blight, she’s being impolite again. Would you mind?”
At Corundum’s words, Blight once more began to pound on Heart. The battering was less severe this time due to her chitin, but it still left Heart reeling when the lesser darkling finally decided she was through. As before, Blight then stepped back behind Corundum.
“I believe I’ve made my point, my dear Heart. Eventually, you’ll be too weak to resist, no matter how much you might want to do so.”
Heart bit back the snarl rising in her throat. “You said there were ‘a few things’. Physical abuse is just one, and I suspect you’ll find I’m tougher than you think I am. So what’s next on your list of nefarious plans?”
At the tone of Heart’s voice, Blight began to step forward again, but Corundum waved her back. “No, Blight, it’s a fair question... and she might as well know what she’s letting herself in for.” Returning her attention to Heart, Corundum went on. “A continuation of the first, actually - as of right now, there are exactly seven actual ponies in this complex, plus myself and my retinue. All seven have been ordered to show you no kindness or mercy if they are required to deal with you. I don’t care how tough you think you are, dear child; starvation will strip you down in no time, and I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces. Just like always.”
“You underestimate me.” Heart had actually picked up a small grin on hearing Corundum’s second stage plan. “My reserves of love are strong enough that it’ll take ages for you to deplete them to the point where that kind of plan could work.”
“I think you’re bluffing, my dear, but it doesn’t matter. There is, after all, the third of my little points to consider.” A blast of green plasma shot from Corundum’s horn, tearing underneath Heart’s chin and hitting the collar around the silver changeling’s neck. “There, my dear child. You’ll not be able to break free, but you’ll once more be able to read an aura without burning your throat out... completely, at least. Take a look at us, dear Heart, and you’ll see why you won’t last.”
Carefully, not trusting the dark-shelled queen’s word, Heart began to raise her empathic senses back to full strength. When she didn’t feel the collar or manacles trying to grow hot, she opened her eyes and carefully pointed her face towards the lesser darkling, Blight.
The darkling seemed to be surrounded by a flowering tree, its strong limbs waving in a stiff spring breeze. With each little wobble of the wind, a few of the delicate petals on the branches would fall off, fading out as they grew further from the branch that had spawned them. The sight caused the bile to rise in Heart’s throat, almost choking her. Not from anger or disgust in itself, for the image of the darkling’s aura was beautiful in its own way. No, the reason for Heart’s trouble, and the ache that began to grow around her own beating heart, was because the image was familiar.
Changeling auras might be similar at times, but they were still unique. Heart had assumed since Queen Corundum had revealed herself that ‘Blight’ had been one of the queen’s own retainers, taking on the form of one of Heart’s employees out of sheer malice. Now, she was stripped of that faint hope, for there was only one changeling in the world who that aura could belong to. The two were the same individual - Petal Rain, her Petal Rain, stood sneering before her. And in the moment that Heart realized that, as Heart’s heart unlocked itself for the merest instant, Blight used her own power to snag onto Heart’s reserves of love and draw a chunk of it out for her own use.
“You... monster...” Heart said, her breath flagging as her vision dropped back to normal from the attack. “How could you?”
Corundum took on a look of patently false indignation. “Monster? For simply revealing the truth to you? My, such words. I know you were raised better than that.”
“You know... what I... meant.”
Corundum painted a look of enlightenment on her face. “Ah! You mean my reclaiming the poor souls who thought they could gain sufficient love by following you. And yes, it is ‘souls’ plural, my dear. My beautiful Blight may have been the first, but soon all of your poor mistreated servants will be given the glory that is their due. Even that coward of a watchling... he, it seems, chose to fly away, though I assure you there is no doubt that he’ll be joining us shortly.”
At the news, Heart bent her head and let the tears stream freely. Most were tears of sorrow, but a precious few were tears of hope, and she mouthed a silent prayer. ‘Maker, please, set your Claw and Shell to guard Aurora in his flight.’
Strangely, Corundum actually gave Heart a moment to clear her eyes before speaking again. “Come, my dear, cheer up! Soon we’ll all be one happy family again, and we can get on with what I’ve come to do.”
Heart glared back up at the darkling queen. “I will never help you,” she said, snarling - an act which earned her another pounding by Blight. Once it had finished, one diaphanous wing was scored through, and cracks had begun to appear on Heart’s elytral sheaths. Ignoring this, Heart continued, although she had to spit a bit of blood out as she spoke. “Batter me as much as you like, and I’m sure you will. Starve me, as you plan. It will do you no good. You’ve played out your hand, and you’ve nothing left. In the end, I will die - and while I would dearly love to be able to stop you, I’ll settle for defying you until the end.”
At those words, Queen Corundum cocked her head sideways. “You know, I do believe you might actually mean that. Of course, it won’t happen. My little Blight said much the same thing, but look at her now - a properly obedient servant, basking in my reflected glory. Don’t worry your head, my dear. You’ll come home to me in the end.”
“Don’t count on... ergh!”
“That’s enough, Blight,” said Corundum. “I believe we’ve made our point sufficiently clear. Let’s give Sheltering Heart some time to think on the lessons we’ve given her.” She turned and headed through the doorway, Blight close behind her. After they passed by, the pegasus mare stepped through as well, allowing the door to slam shut.
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Several times over the next few days, Sheltering Heart’s reserves of love were ripped from her. Sometimes, it would be one of her own coming in and offering abuse to her, others would see one of them ‘dropped’ into her chamber radiating fear, only to have it turn to hatred and an emotional attack as soon as she dared try to comfort them. Each time took a toll on her, and soon little was left of the reserves she had counted upon.
Eventually, the last of Heart’s Nest was brought to her. As before, the monsters threw the door open, tossing a body inside. This time, however, it landed with a strange clapping sound, and Heart’s eyes went wide as the stallion in question tried to roll to his feet. Unlike the others before, this one was bound, his hooves hogtied and his wings wrapped in several feet of rope. A leering darkling came over, running a hoof along the edge of one bound wing, and the stallion shuddered. “Back off, you unnatural freak.” The creature did so, actually going so far as to step outside and close (and lock) the door.
At the stallion’s voice, Heart’s eyes went even wider. They couldn’t... surely they hadn’t... ”Aurora? Rory, is...”
At her words, the apparent pegasus looked over. His eyes too went wide, but were almost immediately replaced with narrow suspicion. “Sure,” he said, his voice hoarse with checked emotion. “Like I’m going to buy that. Nice try, guys. I’ll give you points for effort, but you won’t get me that easily.”
At those words, Heart froze. She had almost dropped her guard, almost allowed the enemy to ensnare her. The scene had played itself out countless times already. And yet, it had been he who warned her away. Every time one of her Nest had been brought in so far, they’d already become one of the enemy. Even if this was Aurora Wing, it wouldn’t be her Rory anymore. And yet...
Each time she’d reacted so far, it had been an enemy hiding behind a friendly face. Each time, they’d been brought down and tossed in... but never before had one been bound up beforehand. And where some had leered, and other screamed in false terror of what was ‘going to happen’, none of the darklings who’d tried to trap her had reacted with suspicion. After all, they knew who they were, and who she was... they knew she was the intended target.
This one hadn’t. Unlike any of the others, he acted as though he were the one being deceived, the one being entrapped. Heart, her strength flagging, was unable to read anything from him - surely, if this was a trap, he’d be broadcasting fear and despair like the others they’d brought in, wouldn’t he? Not hiding his emotions from them, forbidding anyone to see them.
Despite her desperate efforts, Sheltering Heart’s heart began to break for her beloved. Tears gathered in her eyes and she blinked them away, trying to find something she could grasp onto. Finally, she made her attempt. “Rory,” she said, “I’m sorry.”
The stallion gave her an impatient look, then turned away. “No you’re not,” he said, his voice gone dull. “You might as well stop faking it; you won’t get anywhere with me.”
Heart knew she was near the end. Her love reserves were almost depleted; one way or another, her ordeal would be over soon, but if this was Aurora, her Aurora and not some dark counterpart, his had only just begun. With that in mind, she decided on a desperate gamble.
Willingly, Sheltering Heart lowered her defenses. She gathered her own love for Aurora and mixed it with her reserves, then wafted the entire thing toward the stallion across from her. If this was a trap, then this would be the end of her; the darkling would surely batten on and suck everything she had dry. “Rory, please, look at me.”
The stallion kept his head pointed the other way. “No. I won’t be fooled, your majesty.” Even as he said those words, Heart could see him react to the wave of love reaching him. Aurora’s body stiffened, and Heart could see his feathers trying to puff out underneath the rope binding his wings. He could feel her love, it was obvious, but he wasn’t trying to claim it, and Heart began to feel a fragile hope rising within her.
“Rory...” At her voice, Aurora turned towards Heart, a snarl on his face, and she made one final effort. “Please, Rory, take it...” Her voice faded, and the room around her seemed to go dark as the ground rushed up to reach her.
Heart’s eyes snapped open on darkness once more. Someone was yelling, and for some reason she appeared to have a twitching bundle of hair shoved in her face. The twitching caused her to sneeze, blowing the hair out of the way, and in response it snapped completely away from her. The yelling stopped, but almost immediately started again, and this time she could make out the words. “Shelly! Please, tell me you’re all right!”
“Mngh... who’s asking?”
“Shelly, it’s me. It’s Aurora. Please, Shelly, be okay!”
“Ro... Rory? Wha... happen...?” Where was he? She couldn’t tell in the darkness. “Where... light...”
“You collapsed, Shelly.” She could feel the warmth pouring out of him, and it felt good. “You were trying to do something with your love, and you ran out. I think you stopped breathing on me, Shelly! Please, don’t do that again!”
“I...” With effort, Heart brought her memory back up to speed. “Is it really you, Rory?”
“Wait, why...?”
“They put something on me, some kind of collar. It starts to burn any time I try to use my magic, and whatever it does lingers. I didn’t try to read your aura properly. I saw you... or at least, somepony who looks...”
“Let’s... not try to go down that road just now, Shelly. I know what you mean.” A pause, then “I don’t think seeing my wings would help anyway. It was Petal and Starfield who caught me. I could see your cocoon as clear as day when I came in here, but all that meant was that they’d gotten to you too. I couldn’t tell if you were...”
Heart nodded, despite knowing Aurora wouldn’t see it. “If I was still me, or if I was one of them. I know, Rory. Their queen brought Petal in with her the first day.”
A hoof hit the ground somewhere in front of Heart. “I wish there was something we could do, some way to get out of here,” Aurora muttered. “As it is, they probably only left us here together because they were sure we wouldn’t believe each other. I’d be surprised if those dung beetles aren’t spying on us now, and they’ll be sure to break it up as soon as they realize we won’t kill each other for them.”
Heart considered the matter for a moment. “You have to admit we didn’t have any reason to believe each other. I’m... I’m still not sure why you believe me now.”
“Are you serious? Shelly, you almost died trying to reach out to me. I could feel it in that burst of love you sent me - you had your own love for me in there; all of it, final drop, not just a little affection. They can’t do that, Shelly. From what I’ve seen, the only thing in a darkling’s heart is its own ego.”
Several moments passed in silence, and then a thought occurred to Heart. “Rory, how much of a love reserve do you have on you?”
“Why do you want to know?” Genuine confusion underlay the question.
“I... I may have a way to get you out of here. I tried it for myself the first day, and it didn’t work... but now I’ve got someone else to focus on, and that might give me enough strength. If I can get you out, do you have the reserves to get to the nearest town? The travellers need to be warned about what’s happened here.”
“It’s worse than just that, Shelly. I wasn’t quite as unconscious on my ‘return trip’ as Petal and Starfield thought. They’re planning something big for Canterlot. You’re right about their needing to be told, but if I go, you’ll...”
“I’ll be as bad, if not worse, off as before. But we have to do it, Rory, especially after you’ve told me that.
“I can feel your love from here, and it’s making me stronger than I think I’ve been since they caught me. It’ll take everything I’ve got, but I think I can open a Fire Gate around you and get you outside the Nest, maybe burn off those ropes while I’m at it. If you’ve got enough reserves, you can probably be well on your way before they know you’re gone.”
Aurora’s response, when it came, was a whisper. “You said that collar burns you when you use your magic. Won’t you...?”
“It’ll hurt. I might lose a hoof. I might even burn through my neck, yes. If it gets you to safety, though, it’ll be worth it.”
“Not to me.”
Heart smiled, an unseen tear running down her face at Aurora’s words. “Thank you, Rory. But now... as someone who loves you, I don’t want you to be here. And as your Queen, I... I order you to go, and to warn the ponies.”
The voice that came back was calm, cool, and collected. The burst of loving warmth that hit Heart alongside the words gave the lie to them, though. “As Your Majesty commands, her faithful servant shall obey.” Then, shifting his tone, “I do have one last thing to ask, though. I know it’s nonsense, but right now even a glimmer of hope is better than nothing. Sheltering Heart, I love you, and I know that you love me. Once this whole mess is settled down, will you please be my special somepony?”
Heart laughed, tears born of joy rather than sorrow streaming down her eyes, and new strength filled her as they did. “Aurora Wing, it would be my pleasure, honor, and privilege to do so.” So saying, she cast her spell. A wave of white flames illuminated the room, revealing an apparent pegasus stallion sinking into the floor, and the work was done quickly enough that he was gone before Sheltering Heart’s bonds completely caught up with what she was doing. Once they did so, however, they reacted with a vengeance, and her world began to burn.
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White light and pain - constant, searing pain - were all that Heart could remember. They filled her world, devouring everything in their path, leaving no surcease. In desperation, she cried out, seeking anyone who could hear her, and begging the burning void for aid.
After an unknown time of torment, when Heart’s cries had faded to nothing but faint whimpers, a voice came. “Honey? Honey, where are you? Please, honey, answer me!”
“Here I am!” The words were strangled, drowned in the white flames, but they seemed to be enough, and a tall figure came tearing through the burning. “Oh, honey, no...” The voice was a familiar one, and Heart finally recognized it.
“M... mommy?”
The figure nodded, and a strip of something soft and cool suddenly lay over Heart’s head, dulling the pain somewhat. “Yes, honey. I’m here for you.”
“Mommy, I’m scared.”
“I know honey, but mommy’s here. I’ll help you.” Another cool rag wiped along Heart’s legs, soothing the flames, and the silhouette of a bowl floated into view, something rippling reflecting the flames from inside it “Drink this, honey. It’s medicine to help you.” Heart did so, the cool darkness of the liquid stemming the bright tide of fire all around her. As the first bowl was emptied, another was brought forth, and so it continued, until the white pain had been swallowed in soothing darkness, and she remembered no more.
In a storeroom beneath the Eagle’s Nest waystation, a Changeling Queen awoke. Once she had called herself Sheltering Heart, but as she thought on it, she realized that that name no longer fit her.
She looked down, to where a pair of manacles bound forelegs of black chitin, metal cables leading from them up to under her chin. She gave them a contemptuous glare, and brought forth her magic. Green flames devoured the metal, transforming it into so much slag and ash, and the queen stood and stretched. That done, she unlocked the door and pulled it open, causing the changeling who had been leaning on the other side to fall to the floor. The queen glanced down imperiously to the fallen servant, and issued an order. “Take me to Queen Corundum.”
Ten minutes later, the queen and her guide stood in the most extravagant quarters in the waystation, the one standing and the other kneeling before Queen Corundum. The elder queen looked down, and gave a sly grin. “I told you that you would come to me in the end, did I not?”
The younger queen looked her in the eye. “You did, mother. And you were right. I would be honored to serve you in whatever way you see fit.”
The elder queen’s grin went feral. “I’m glad you see it that way. I’ve been planning something big for the upcoming event in Canterlot, and I’ll admit I’d counted on having your assistance, Heart.”
“No.” At the sudden look of anger on the elder queen’s face, the younger shook her head. “Forgive me, mother, that came out wrong. As I said, you will have my assistance. It is simply that I will no longer go by that name. ‘Sheltering Heart’ is such a, a pony name, after all. Not fit for the grandeur of one of our kind.”
“Hmm,” Corundum said. “I suppose you have a point, my dear. If you don’t wish to use that name, however, might I ask what you plan to call yourself instead?”
The younger queen gave the elder a grin that matched Corundum’s own. “Tell me, mother. How does ‘Chrysalis’ sound to you?”
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This is a brilliant and chilling look into the background of Queen Chrysalis. Absolutely horrifying, and masterfully executed.
I salute you.
Its interesting for sure. Nicely writed
This story comes highly recommended.
R.I.P. Sheltering Heart, all hail Queen Chrysalis...
I am intensely interested about the relationships only hinted at in this story, and the unique Changeling lore behind it. But despite the questions left unanswered, this story stands on its own. It joins the list of my favorite Changeling fics.
I do wonder about one thing, though. Near the beginning, Heart's memories have been blocked; but it is neither explained nor mentioned again, with the obvious choice for who did it, Queen Corundum, behaving as if she doesn't know. It's the one loose end that seems frayed. (Ignore my strange metaphor, I'm tired.)
I may check occasionally for more of your stories.
3048212
I took it as just a technique to unbalance her, to make her easier to break...
3050142 Well, that could be, I guess.
That was excellent, good job!
EXCELLENT! One of the best one-shots featuring changelings I have ever read!
Greetings, CHeighlund!
Here commences the review you requested from WRITE.
So, you want to know what it will take to get this on Equestria Daily, and you assume a grammatical focus is what's needed. Well, to be honest, if grammar's the only problem, an author's in good shape, usually. We reject on grammar alone only if there really are a lot of problems. If it's relatively close to acceptance, we'll tell you exactly what to fix. But the storytelling itself is just as important, if not more so; don't assume otherwise, despite the common lament that many rejected authors make along those lines. (I also pre-read for Equestria Daily, by the way.)
Title:
It really depends on how you'd envision it being used in a sentence, I suppose, but since the large majority of usages would have it hyphenated, I'd suggest that.
Synopsis:
Looks like you missed a word there.
Minor point, but I don't see the need for the ellipsis. The sentence leads into the story as is, and it's not incomplete.
Story:
You always need to be mindful of what you're doing with participial phrases. The first issues is that they're commonly misplaced modifiers. They like to describe the nearest prior object (unless they start a clause—then, they describe the subject). By proximity, that means that the sound is muffling itself. We have to go back through "her" as well to get to the correct object, "darkness." Now, we can certainly apply a bit of logic to decide what you meant, but if you don't watch yourself, you will get into scenarios that are ambiguous or outright misleading, or just plain sound awkward. Another issue with participles (which isn't a problem in this instance) is that they imply simultaneous action, yet writers often use them to tack on actions to a sentence that couldn't possibly happen at the same time.
Now you've got me in a narrative dissonance. You've just said it's too dark to see anything in here, yet you're describing her color. Not that the narrator couldn't know that, but you've given me no reason to believe he would, either. More to the point, you're simultaneously asking me to imagine her color, but imagine her somewhere that I can't see her color.
First, in my browser, this line is offset by a blank space. This is one of the dangers of double-spacing after sentences. The line break may split the double space and throw off your margin. This happens quite a bit in your story. Second, she's looking right at her hooves, and yet has to resort to "seem"? She should know exactly what she sees. Maybe she doesn't know what purpose the bands serve, and that's where a "seem" might come in, but you have to be careful with her mindset.
This is the second sentence in a row to use "appeared to have." Watch the repetition of words or phrases close together. The more unusual the word or phrase, the longer a space "close together" would cover.
Same issue. You've repeated "as she could" within the same sentence. I'm not going to point out many of these. They're up to you to find.
Please use a proper dash. The most common systems are to use em dashes (with no surrounding spaces) exclusively, or to use these only for interruptions and en dashes (with surrounding spaces) for asides. Em dash = Alt+0151, En dash = Alt+0150.
Most times, you'll need to set off a dependent clause with a comma.
Yes. This is what a scene break indicates. You don't need to tell me. However, this was an incredibly jerky scene transition. She's fully conscious, looking at the door, and then it's hours later. You have to be smoother than that. Bring us to a stopping point; don't cut off in the middle of something, unless there's a reason for such an interruption.
There is a place for parentheticals like this, but an objective third-person narration in a serious story really isn't it. Make this an aside with dashes.
Beware using demonstratives (this, that, these, those) as pronouns, particularly in objective narration. They have vague, broad antecedents, and they reference the narration itself, which only prods the reader to remember he's reading a story and not immersed in it. Fortunately, the fix is easy: find an appropriate noun to put after it.
Missing a word again.
Another misplaced modifier. It sounds like the caravan master was listening.
While this does make a sort of sense as written, it just feels like it's cut off.
The passive voice is really unnecessary. First consider that it transfers the focus onto her attention instead of on the noise, where it should be. Second, it places the effect before the cause.
This detail feels oddly out of place. It's rather specific, given that this train of thought would be about the last thing on the mind of someone getting her first glimpse of her captors.
It's better to get me to deduce her emotion through your description of how she looks and acts. This is the classic "show, don't tell." Don't just give me the emotions explicitly. Also, regarding your next sentence—This new arrival is glaring, i.e., looking right at, Heart, yet takes a moment to realize Heart is looking back at her. Does, not compute. And go back to my last comment. Wouldn't she assume Heart would be looking at her? And even more to the point, why don't we get a reaction from Heart? She doesn't do anything. It would seem she expected this, despite the narrator's protestations.
C'mon. Show me how these look. You're making me do all the work. This is your job.
The only reason I have to believe she's in pain is that the narrator says these three words. Certainly, it deserves more mention than this while it's actually happening.
Dude. Third instance of "blow" in only four sentences.
That's rather forced dialogue. When she's trapped and in pain, she's really going to break out the fancy language?
Missing some punctuation in there.
Capitalize after the ellipsis when it must necessarily begin a new sentence.
Again, the specificity here is in opposition to the pace of the action. Would she strive to use the proper terminology (and for that matter, would changelings have the same terminology that we do?). For instance, if a character slips and falls, as he's lying on the floor in pain, is he more likely to think: 1) "I bruised my back." or 2) "I received a contusion to my second intercostal vertebra, resulting in a subdural hematoma."
The second comma is a splice. You have independent clauses on both sides.
I'm getting a bit of narrative whiplash here. Look how quickly you go from a very objective viewpoint to having the narrator deeply in Heart's perspective. You have to do these things smoothly. Imagine a camera gradually zooming in or out.
The honorific would be capitalized.
Okay, the single tear is about the most cliched thing you could have done. At least I'm getting some indirect evidence of emotion here, though. For the previous 17 paragraphs, there were either no actions or just a single one that conveyed no emotion, except the one where you conveyed it blatantly ("Genuine confusion underlay the question.") this is what we call "talking heads." We get no indication of their surroundings or what they do while they talk. Consider how many nonverbal cues there are during a conversation. They easily carry half the emotional content, and you're skipping all that. Now, there are time that talking heads are appropriate. In this case, Heart can't see Aurora, so if you have the narration in her perspective, she's limited on what she can get from him besides what she hears, for instance. But she'd be well aware of what she's doing. You need to give this some more thought.
This is awfully sappy and trite for the situation.
Why is this entire sub-scene in italics? I don't see it as a dream or flashback or anything else that's typically rendered as such, and even then, only when they're woven into a scene. Italics make things stand out, and when everything stands out nothing does.
As a term of address, this would be capitalized on its own anyway, so capitalize both parts of it.
When in the middle of a sentence, direct address uses commas on both sides.
You're missing several capitalizations of this type. When essentially used as a name, such terms are capitalized (Mother, Sergeant, King), but when used more generically, they aren't (my mother, the sergeant, Spain's king).
Mechanics:
This was pretty clean. I didn't see anything particularly distressing, and a lot of what I pointed out looked to be momentary oversights more than consistent problems. Basically, if I had to point something out more than a couple times, brush up on that. No biggie.
Style:
Here's where things start to get off the rails. Interesting that your request for a review seemed more worried about getting the mechanics right, since that's what's most often cited as reasons for rejection. Well, for one, those are also the easiest things to fix. For another, they're the ones most often put on display by rejected authors because it's easier to say they're petty reasons for rejection when the deeper things are conveniently excluded. I assure you, these types of issues are just as important and just as often grounds for rejection. So, what do we have here?
I've discussed a few of these already in the detailed notes, so I won't rehash things, other than to list them. You need to watch the talking heads (there were only one or two scenes where it got bad), close repetition of words and phrases, oddly specific details where they wouldn't seem to be appropriate, and character perspective issues. They were all quite notable. Also prevalent was one more that I didn't elaborate on above, so I'll do it here: telly language. Here's my tasty copypasta on the subject:
Watch these other commonly overused words: was/is/were/be/been (150+. This is a really boring verb. You need to choose more active verbs), start/begin (15. Not a lot, but these verbs are almost always unnecessary. Every action begins. Only use these when that beginning is noteworthy for some reason).
Characterization:
So far, not much has happened in the story, so your characterization hinges upon what emotional responses we see from each of your characters. Characterization is often tied to style in this way, and while I don't see any big problems with the personas you've created, by not giving me that strong emotional connection to them, I don't really care what's happening to them. So while I understand what Heart does for Aurora, which is the first half of the battle, I don't see it from her perspective, so it comes across more as a listing of facts than as a heart-wrenching journey for her. That's really all I can say so far. We're pretty early on in the story, so there simply isn't that much opportunity to get to know your characters yet. I'll leave that bit of discussion for the next part, though, so I'll actually have something to say there. And so:
Plot:
Again, not much has happened yet. I could sum it all up in just a few sentences. The other several thousand words are there to get me to care about the characters and understand them, and, well, I've already talked about that. What I'm missing here is the motivations of those involved. Here's where I'd harp at you about that, but you have the very credible out of claiming it will all be explained later, since this is an incomplete story. What is Corundum up to? Does Chrysalis have some ulterior motive to her acquiescence? Did she deliberately botch the invasion of Canterlot to serve some end? I can see the possibilities playing out. Were I to consider this for acceptance, I'd be on the fence about this point. If I was familiar with your other work, or knew someone who was, I could get some supporting evidence as to whether you make good on following through with resolving these plot points, but in the absence of such, I'd recommend getting further into the story before you try to submit, so that we can get a better picture of where you're going with it. And so that's my advice to you on this point, at least.
Oh, it's... complete. Well, that changes things. I like an open-ended story as much as anyone, but not only is the interpretation of the ending vague, but the entire events surrounding the story are vague as well. I have no idea why anyone did what they did or what overarching machinations were going on behind the scenes. I know Heart was tortured to get her to do... something, and she either decided to do... it... because she finally broke or because she's trying to subvert... it... for Aurora's sake, and possibly Equestria's.
So in summary, figure out the show-versus-tell thing (no mean feat—it took me a good year of writing before I understood it well), watch out for the other stylistic things I mentioned, and... maybe this is just me, but I'd like a more definitive sense of what is going on, even if you decide to leave the ending ambiguous.
Keep writing, and have fun with it!
Pascoite, WRITE's mineral
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To be fair, I wrote the synopsis.
...so I'll only be commenting on that.
"to serve as staging point" seems perfectly fine. It's the same as "acting as commanding officer". Doesn't need "a" or "the" between it, since it's about serving the purpose of "staging point".
As for the ellipsis, that's just a sentence trailing off. An ellipsis is perfectly allowed for that.
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When the phrase "serving as" goes without an article, it's because it refers to a specific, predefined function. To wit:
I will serve as moderator.
There's only one possible moderator for this purpose. In this synopsis, there's more than one possible staging point. The easiest way to think of it is that you can often eliminate "the," but it comes across incredibly awkward to eliminate "a." In fact eliminating the article at all pretty much implies "the," which isn't the appropriate one here. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying it sounds weird. I can write something that's grammatically perfect, but if it doesn't read smoothly, I won't get readers. I'm just telling you that it came across that way to me. If you want to ignore it, that's your prerogative.
Likewise with the ellipsis. Your objection is on a technical ground, where I was making no such argument. It's incredibly cliched to end your synopsis with an ellipsis or a rhetorical question or a "read to find out!" You'll come across as much more polished and professional if you avoid these things, but if you're convinced it's a good idea, then have at it. However, you could replace the ellipsis with a period, and it would stand just fine. Why trail off when there's nothing more to say, implied or actual?
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I honestly can't say I see any distinction. This still implies "a" moderator, and there can perfectly be multiple moderators
it was a fun story to read and I enjoyed hoping there was some sudden happy ending. A way out of the whole ordeal and her good hive would return to her... But in the end the good changelings had fallen and perished under the might of evil. Thus leading to the events of Canterlot. What a shame, and tragedy this story brings us. I do enjoy stories that explain how Celestia received her warning. You've got my like. :)
I have to say, I really enjoyed this, it was an interesting concept, and pretty well executed.
I do feel, though, that it has one weak spot, which is the final resolution of the plot. We've seen our protagonist remain defiant in the face of tortures, go through basically hell, win a nigh-impossible victory... and have that victory rendered completely meaningless by a Deus Ex Machina in the form of what seems to be basically a potion that turns her evil, with no hope for redemption. To me, that robs the ending of its punch.
I feel like it should have gone one of two different ways.
Either the dark way, in which she genuinely breaks. As the story is written now, she really does stay defiant through absolutely everything. She doesn't crack. She doesn't give in, she just loses consciousness and drinks something while delirious. That's cheating. There's no horror in it, all it does is rob the protagonist of her agency. She didn't give in, yet she lost anyway, so what was the point of any of this? It's a stronger, creepier, darker story if she actually does break. If she genuinely gives in, if she consciously and willingly drinks the drink in order to finally escape the pain, that has so much more force behind it than this "let's keep her good while still making her evil" thing that the story has right now. It reminds me of the Star Wars prequels, which suffer from the same problem of trying to keep Anakin good while also getting to turn him into Vader.
Alternately, if this is supposed to be a dark story but with a strong flicker of hope, then we need to see that hope somehow. She succeeded in getting the other changeling out, right? But we, as readers, know that failed. (Somehow, someway, off screen, never explained.) He went to warn ponies, but the ponies never got warned. He went to find a way to save her, but she never got saved, she went ahead and invaded Canterlot. Once again, the protagonist is robbed of all agency. She is acted on all through this, captured, tortured, things happen to her, and the one thing she does manage to do, we know fails completely. There's no hope here at all.
So you're getting the worst of both worlds with this story. Too little hope, so it's all dark, but the dark is weak, watered down darkness, so there's nothing much there either.
I did still enjoy it, don't get me wrong! I just feel that the final ending is weaker than the rest of the story, and could be improved upon.