• Member Since 2nd Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 23rd, 2021

Sol Daybreak


A Navy Brony for life, been around the world and still love ponies, Daybreak is my OC, I DO NOT OWN Blackgryphons OC despite him being in my art. It's merely a tribute of devotion to my idol

Comments ( 133 )

I know many will judge it at first and i'll live with that :P
but for those who stick with me to the end of my life's work (lol not really) i thank thee:twilightsheepish:

Comment posted by Taxes deleted Nov 22nd, 2013

ahh thank you
i've been going off my own guesses this whole time :facehoof:

Maybe for Rainbow and Applejack
seems Don and Twilight really enjoyed themselves

I love your awesome picture its so awesome lol :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowwild:

saturday and sunday 2 more chapter posts possibly
its whenever im at my house with the computer :)

"YO RARI-TEEE! SPAIKE HEE-YAH WAHNTS A DATE WICHEW!!"

inb4 boston accents (lol scout)

what of course not, thts like, totally not whats gonna happen:rainbowwild:

you..or..*looks up to sky*...GOD lol jk:twilightsheepish:

But spike suuuucckkkssssss.

No Rarity for him!!!

so i just figured out how to post comments the right way (dont judge me) and annyways this seems like a good place to take a three day break, while i add on to the fic privately, patience is a virtue :pinkiecrazy:

YEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH BBBOOOOOOYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

if you were going to put 6k words out at once the why'd you split it up? many great fanfics have long chapters. (5-10 thousand words a chapter) like the fics 'foal necromancer' and 'diaries of a madman'. the chapters dont have to be long but it doesnt make sense to split it up.

hmmm...a fair and reasonable point...i shall take tht into consideration thank you :)

obvious discord is obvious.

i wonder if discord is going to be a bro about it....

Don an anthro type creature has awoken in Equestria with to

instantly falling in love and wooing her with his own abilities

that'sapenisgarysue.gif

naw he's not god like, he gets his @$$ handed to him a few time :derpytongue2:
plus he looks pretty normal
but to each his own opinion:moustache:
no like it? no read it then :)

giant tentacle orgy super funtime or gtorf man I never read a clop/fanfic that had this in it fucking great

when in doubt suck dick

Da FUCK PINKIE that's it it's aficial if I ever go to equestria I'm staying far away from pinkie

This is good now if you excuse me I'm gonna pleasure mysel...I mean........play the gutiar yeah the gutiar

Comment posted by Lord Sunder deleted Sep 1st, 2013

3133716 he"s not a dog. Once i get my artist to draw you will have a much better image of what he looks like :ajbemused:
and many of his traits that dont make sense now may later
but he's more of an anthro than anything else, but hey, no ones forcing you to read it :pinkiecrazy:

Comment posted by Lord Sunder deleted Sep 1st, 2013

That was fast MOAR dude this is amazing its the one clopfic where not every chapter is someone getting banged and it has a story.

its spelt "dawn". "don" is the head of a crime family or "mafia"

3136671 actually i deleted it cause its basically a waste of space that u could fit into about one sentnce but decided to take the amount of time to raise a scene, besides u dont need to justify to me why u down vote, its your vote, i dont care :facehoof:
if u wanna explain why, just write it out shortly, i dont really mind the criticism, i just dont want half a page to say one thing is all, calm ur jimmies

3137169 don't worry i know, i just wanted his name spelled that way in the beggining so i made the chapter title named that for the puns :twilightblush:
a bad pun perhaps, but still a pun :P

3137197
Because my original comment included only one issue. Of course :ajbemused:. Can you even read, or did your finger reflexively click the 'delete comment' button? Here's a nice summary for you. Your spelling is terrible, as is your grammar. You punctuate like someone who belongs in primary school. You don't space your fic well, and leave it as a wall of text. You have multiple speakers per paragraph, in places. Your characters are poorly characterised, and vapid to boot. Your main character is an amnesiac who remembers stuff and gains powers as the plot demands. Scenes which could have been interesting are either glossed over or summarised out of existence. You timeskip two months, completely ignoring relationship building in favour of rushing to the clop. 'Don' is never actually described within three chapters. Cliches abound, and you have Twilight immediately fall in love with your OC for no apparent reason.

Not exactly one issue, is it? Also, if your jimmies were calm, you'd have left my comments up. So secure in your ability to argue a point, eh?

3137197 Here is Lord Sunder's comment:

Dude, do you even pacing? He falls in love with Twilight in the first chapter... sorry, 'in mesmerise' with her, to quote your fic. He's a giant talking dog(?) afaik, although he has retractable claws for some reason (you know, like a real dog :ajbemused: ). She's a tiny talking horse. This whole species barrier thing... I don't see any mention of it. In fact, your romance moves unbelievably fast even for two ponies, and feels incredibly superficial for it. They fall in love instantly, and he can apparently kiss (you know, because dogs have lips that can kiss). Oh, and then you skip two months ahead in chapter two, further continuing the trend of terrible pacing, presumably so you don't have to go through that tedious process of having the characters actually fall in love where we can see it. Truly, this is the heart of excellent romance writing.

Don seems to have issues with his memory. I don't mean his lack of it, but the fact that he always seems to conveniently remember things where his lack of memories would be a problem for him. He has a mysterious quantity of not-memories, which behave exactly like memories but aren't, somehow. He's meant to be an amnesiac, but that's seemingly not allowed to be a problem for him, because he's the main character. What a complete fucking cop-out, I say.

Likewise, nopony comments on the random diamond dog that's suddenly shacking up with Twilight. If they already know him, how come nopony recognises him? And if they don't, why are they so welcoming to a creature of a race which are known to enslave ponies to work in their mines? Unless he's not actually a dog, which is never actually stated in your initial descriptions of him. He wags his tail like one, certainly. Then again, I just noticed that your username includes 'tigre', which suggests that your self insert might be some sort of tiger furry. The point is, I can't picture what this guy looks like, at all, because I have no fucking idea what sort of animal he is. He might be a dog, he might be some sort of cat, but this is the sort of thing that should be handled when you initially described him, and you didn't handle it at all.

The grammar and spelling is terrible. 'in mesmerised with her'... do I really need to say anything about that? English, motherfucker, do you speak it!? You also don't use line breaks, only indents, which is notorious for producing the phenomenon known as the 'wall of text'. The sentence structure doesn't flow, at all, and when I tried reading the first few chapters aloud, the only tone that fit was a dry monotone. It's dry, and it summarises too much, basically. Things that could have been interesting are rushed over, presumably to get to the clop. I'll have to look at that later, when I can get around to slogging through more than the first three chapters. From your ability to write romance, I don't really have high hopes for that one.

You could probably fix some of this by expanding enormously on your 'relationship building' sections, which are incredibly rushed. Run the thing through a spellcheck, and for the love of god, break up your paragraphs a little. Don's memories... you could do with looking at actual amnesia, and building something from there. What you have here is a 'character flaw', in heavy quotations, that never actually hinders him when it's important, because he 'just knows' various stuff that he shouldn't be able to know, if he had actually lost his memories as you say.

The ponies in Ponyville are shown to be at least mildly xenophobic. Just look at the episode with Zecora. And she actually looks like a pony. They should be absolutely terrified of this enormous cat/dog monstrosity Twilight's leading into town. Similarly, Twilight should probably be a little more hesitant at the idea of dog/cat penis (which may be barbed, by the way). Because species barriers do exist, you know? Anyway, I'll keep reading, but these are my thoughts for now. There really aren't many things I can say that are likeable about this fic, so far. Most of the people I've showed it to have physically recoiled, so far, at least one expressing disgust at Twilight's reaction to being caught.

Please re-read it. It has more than 'one thing'. A lot more.

Also? He's correct. About all of it.

This is not a story, because a story would have some semblance of a plot, and not resemble that old VHS copy of that banned Swedish 1980's porno that my creepy uncle kept in that old treasure chest in the attic.

Everything about this is just so unnatural and strange on so many aspects. You go on, and on, and on about "love" when I seriously doubt you're old enough to understand the difference between lust and love. Fucking all day, every day, 24/7, and talking about how much you love fucking stuff, and telling all your friends how you like fucking stuff, and sharing with everyone on this site about your personal sexual fantasies about fucking horses as a cat/dog/ferret/furryfuck bring up more questions about your incredibly subtle brainwash/rape overtones and your inflections to play the nice guy while at the same time completely controlling a woman's life with your penis.

i dont mind constructive comments, but insults aimed at me and not just the fic are really just pointless and i would request tht u cease doing so and find somethig better to do
just insulting with no constructive criticism it really is just rude and pointless
if u tell me "hey this character blows, but here is how u can fix that"
thts great and i welcome your opinion because its you are trying to help, not just be rude, but just saying he blows is really kind of pointless don't you think?
and Lord Sunder if i offended u by deleting ur post i do apologize i did not mean to be offensive

Ok just for future reference
if you all wouldn't mind, no matter what kind of comment you are leaving, hate or complimentary
try and please constrict it to a paragraph please, i realize this isnt always easy but at least make an effort
thanks :)

3138623
If you had read my original comment, you would know I included a section where I tried to give some sort of advice to fix the problems I saw with the fic. You would also see the necessity of writing a multi-paragraph comment, as the issues are so numerous that merely to list them is a paragraph in and of itself. As I have shown you. You then delete the comment with the constructive portion, and ask me to write only one paragraph. I did. Then you whine that it's not constructive. Of course it's not. I couldn't fit that in, without you complaining that I'm using more than a paragraph, and deleting my comment without reading it.

I'll just run it all together into one big, easy to process lump in the future, ok?

you my have a point
fair enough i suppose
but my preference for short comments comes from not wanting a whole page taken up by one persons comment as i have seen alot in reading others fics
but i have already apologized for prematurly deleting ur comment
so im gonna move on now so i may resume my writing
thank you :)

3139186 The thing is, you posted this self-insert "romance" (I hesitate to call it that, because frankly, your OC behaves in really creepy ways sometimes) on a site that allows comments from the general public. You need to prepare for that and handle it gracefully.

Additionally, Lord Sunder's comment was not just 'lol u suk go die', it was a well thought out comment outlining the various problems with your fic. Just because you didn't like it, doesn't make what he said untrue. He took a good portion of time out of his day to help you by reading your fic and writing that comment--you ought to at least thank him for that.

Also, in order to reply to a person, you need to push the little button with the quote bubbles at the upper right hand corner of their comment. That way, everyone knows who you're talking to in your comments, and the person you're replying to actually gets a notification for it.

3139279 well to be honest i do appreciate the help and i knew going in that this fic would get alot of criticism
it is my first fic after all so i knew it would be far from perfect
but that is the point if this one
laying the groundwork so to speak and once it ends the second one will be started considering everyones comments and a better writing style
this is my first so im writing it as it comes from my head
but tht is why i apologized for deleting Sunders comment and hope for no hard feelings
hopefully thts the end of that issue
ill try to add another update by the end tonight
until then keep calm and brony on

3139622 The problem isn't that it's your first fic, though. I hope you address some of the very real and valid concerns raised.

Dude you keep shiting out chapters like a man after burrito night. Keep it up man.....(and I can't wait to get back to the clop.....DON'T JUDGE ME IM THAT KINDA PERSON)

3142789 i try my best :scootangel:
and don't fret
clop shall reappear in the near future :rainbowkiss:

K...clop is like smoking once you start it's hard to stop.

Now that it's Sunday night (actually Monday morning 12:36) and the guys are COMEING over and Jordan's bringing the porn for the group masterbaition. (J.K.)

lol changelings.

YAY changlings

Yes 2 new chapters. Now I'm going to lock my bedroom door and wait till mid night then the clop will be put to good use

cloptastic and the fun has been DOUBLED

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