Scootaloo has just woken up from her dream of the Rainbow Factory. Will Scootaloo, Orion and Aurora Dawn fail their flight test like in Scootaloo's dream? Or will they be able to change the future set for them in her dream?
Original by Aurora Dawn
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sure, it could have been a little bit better, but am i seriously the only comment?
Before Looking:
Poor AuroraDawn, never catching a break... and I'm not talking about Rainbow Factory!
After Reading: This shouldn't be multiple chapters. This is more like one chapter you choped up for no logical reason.
Also your descriptions are weak, you should think of how to expand on them. You should also rethink your pacing, the entire story comes across as rushed like you hadn't really thought about the emotions or imagery you wanted to present to the reader to draw them in and involve them.
I couldn't add much because I didn't want to change the plot much up to Orion's test.
I know this isn't much consolation but I really tried my best. This was obviously my first story . And I tried to start from the end of Aurora Dawn's Rainbow Factory. I'll try to do better with my new and upcoming stories. If anyone has any ideas on what I should write next, please comment on my user page so I may incorporate the ideas.
2974029 I have to agree. This seems more of an outline than a complete story. You could probably not jump to seemingly random parts, and have Scoots reflect on her dream or something instead of just saying.
Also, the briskness of Rainbow's reaction to Scoot's knowledge of the factory shocked me. To have a person randomly know of the Factory seems like it would provoke more of a reaction.
The beginning seems a bit rushed, and RD seems to be under-reacting, the Rainbow Factory is supposed to be top secret, and I doubt she would react that coolly, also Scoots knows RD is a murderer, shouldn't she be more on edge near her? Also, a few nitpicks. On the second page you typed "rainbow dash". Rainbow Dash is a name, so it is a proper noun, meaning rainbow and dash should both be capitalized. Also, I would turn "The Factory" into "the Factory", lastly, I think you meant Colosseum, "Coliseum" is a rock band, but enough nitpicking, so far this story looks promising, I can't wait to see how it ends.
I haven't read Rainbow Factory, but I will say that this story is too short and doesn't really go anywhere. You miss an opportunity for something interesting: Scootaloo has knowledge of something terrible that's going to happen in the future, but she doesn't know it. As far as Scootaloo knows, she just had a dream. When Rainbow Dash finds out that she knows about the Rainbow Factory, that should be something quite serious for both of them. Rainbow's secret is exposed, and Scootaloo now realises that she has knowledge that she shouldn't have. What will she do with it? Who can she tell? Who can she trust? There's a lot you could do with that, while still tying it into the original story - after all, Scootaloo now has the ability to alter the course of that story.
You also don't need to use chapter breaks so often. It's very rare for a chapter to be less than one thousand words in length. With your first chapter, you had the right idea to end it on a note of high tension (first-chapter cliffhangers are a great way to pull the reader into a story) but it came so soon that there was no build up to it. It would have been just as effective and interesting to have Scootaloo answer the question immediately. In fact, this entire story could have been a chapter.
It's a good attempt for a first story, however, so don't be discouraged, keep writing!
I'm still working on this story and another, so keep that in mind. Also keep in mind I'm a total noob to writing fan fictions so my first few will probably be terrible
Would you appreciate if I posted the Rainbow factory as a separate chapter? just as her dream?
Woo rainbow given it away and I'm skipping until we get to another part I don't know
Why this wasn't that fun like the other one
If you guys want something better check out my new story, New Best flyer in the Wonderbolt Academy. It's not finished yet, but you might like the first chapter.
Hoooo, OMG, Rainbow just said, Scoots dear, HOW THE HECK DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE RAINBOW FACTORY!!?
Buck no
Can't wait to see what happens
Nice ending!
Nice ending.But should be just one chapter.
Oh Boy things are about to get real now!!!