Guest Chapter: Writing Ponies Leads To Writing Gods (Razalon The Lizardman)
“Come on, sister!” Luna said from the computer chair. “Surely you haven’t given up on finding a date yet? We’ve only just scratched the surface of possible suitors for yourself.”
Celestia glared at her sister from the couch, a shot glass filled with the most expensive alcohol bits could buy held in her telekinesis. She took a sip before giving a reply.
“If what I’ve experienced so far was just the tip, then that’s all the more reason as to why we should just stop this charade and learn to enjoy our single, pathetic, immortal lives.” She took another sip and sighed. “And I’d be just fine with that. I hear divorce rates among divinity is on the rise nowadays anyway; no need to make myself a part of that.”
Luna leveled a stern glare at her sister. “You know what I think, sister? I think you expect too much from your dates.”
“And what do you mean by that?” Celestia asked, turning away to stare at the blank, blue wall of her sister’s room indifferently.
“What I mean is you expect each date to be absolute perfection incarnate, and are too quick to give up when their flaws shine through.” Luna increased the intensity of her stare at her sister’s backside. “If you could learn to accept their flaws and judge them as a whole, I’m positive you’d find someone whom you’d forever be happy with.”
Celestia considered this for a moment as she finished off her wine and set it down on the nearby nightstand.
“Alright,” she finally said, “I’ll give it another shot.”
“Hooray!” Luna shouted, clapping her fore hooves together. She then turned around in her seat and began searching. “Now, who shall the lucky devil be this time?”
Celestia stared in boredom up at the ceiling. “Hopefully someone that actually knows how to treat a lady.”
“Another drink Celessstia?” Apep asked the solar alicorn, using his tail to hold up the wine bottle for her.
Celestia blushed as she levitated her shot glass under it, allowing the snake deity to fill it. “Thanks Apep,” she said, a slight sparkle in her eyes.
“Ah, but what kind of date would I be if I wasssn’t mindful of your needsss?” The Egyptian God of Chaos winked at her, causing Celestia’s blush to deepen tenfold. “Ssspeaking of, I trust all isss to your sssatisssfaction?
Celestia looked around her and Apep, taking in the atmosphere, or rather, lack thereof, of their date’s location. Space. Specifically, right next to the sun which she controlled. The heat that emanated from it would’ve vaporized any being of a lesser stature than the two gods which currently dined within its reach. Apep had asked Celestia to choose the date’s location, so she’d chosen a place that was: isolated from civilization, comfortable for both of them, and hadn’t anything that was susceptible to damage.
All there was in the recesses of space surrounding the sun was one Egyptian God of Chaos, one Equestrian Sun Princess, and a table adorned with the most beautiful (and likely delicious) flowers Celestia had ever laid eyes on. If it wasn’t for the fact that Apep’s appearance was downright scary, Celestia would say Luna had found her the perfect suitor. However, she’d promised to accept such trivial flaws and look at Apep for the charming, attentive and, while creepy, clearly strong-willed and caring for others god that he was.
“Yes, Apep,” she replied dreamily, “I’m very sssatisssfied.”
Apep chuckled at Celestia’s poor imitation of his accent. “Then ssso am I,” he replied back.
“I must admit, though,” Celestia continued, taking a sip of her drink and relishing in its otherworldly flavor before continuing. “I had a plethora of doubts when I learned you were a God of Chaos, given my own experiences with them.”
“Ah yesss, Dissscord,” Apep hissed, an irritated expression adorning his serpentine face. “He alwaysss wasss jealousss of my sssuccesss with the ladiesss in Chaosss Universssity.” He chuckled again, lighter and more evilly. “I take it he’sss ssstill sssingle?”
“Indeed he is,” Celestia confirmed with a nod, taking another sip of her drink. “Perhaps he should set up his own notforeveralone.com profile and try to find a suitable match for himself?”
“That he should, Celessstia,” Apep replied, “that he should.”
The two sat in silence for a few minutes after that, just staring dreamily at each other, fully convinced they’d found their soulmate. Finally, Apep broke the silence.
“Celessstia?” he said, bringing his tail behind him.
Celestia arched an eyebrow in confusion before blushing more profusely than ever in realization of what Apep was about to do. “Y-y-yes?” she stuttered.
Apep began bringing his tail around again. “Will you-”
*grrrrrrgh*
“Damn you!” Apep shouted at his stomach in frustration before sighing and saying, “one moment pleassse while I quench my hunger.”
Apep then stretched his already enormous maw even bigger. And bigger. And bigger still until it was as big as the sun they sat next to, which he promptly swallowed whole in one fluid motion. He took a moment to let the megaton fiery ball’s burning taste settle in his mouth before using his inner jaw to push it down his throat. The skin along his body swelled to accommodate the massive fiery meal, and smoke appeared to leak from underneath Apep’s scales as the swallowed sun was extinguished by his digestive juices. Slowly but surely, Apep’s body shrunk back to normal size, the sun finally dead.
“Ah, that hit the ssspot,” he remarked, and brought out the ring from behind his back. “Celessstia, will you marry- WHAT IN MY NAME!?”
Apep stared horrified at the free-floating form of Princess Celestia, her eyes glazed over and body stiff as a board.
“Celessstia?”
“. . .”
“No.”
“. . .”
“No!”
“. . .”
Luna is a dead mare when I revive.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
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Egiptian mythology
Holy meta jokes.
Damnit! And it was going so well too, oh well, ON TO THE NEXT DATE!
Egyptian mythology is the best besides Greek and Roman.
Oh my ra
Celestia, what did Luna tell you about overlooking trivial details. Sure, he ate the sun, but you can work past that.
Just thought I would ask but...
What about the Headless Horsemen.
Celestia could probably get a good ride out of him.
I know it's in the worst of taste, but I have to do this, otherwise I'll always wonder about it.
"Eating the Sun ey, I bet that'll be fun, right Celestia? Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink, say no more, say no more?"
I feel dirty.
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Please. PLEASE.
PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Captain Jack Harkness all the way.
A giant snake eating the sun, that's just a metaphor right?
4349822
No. That's what happens every day according to the ancient Egyptians.
4349725
FOR REAL, THOUGH. I love Jack!!!
That was genius!
Especially with the headcanon that Celestia's and Luna's respective life forces are tied to the celestial bodies they govern
4349855 Every night to be more precise.
4349725 I can't help but think that the avoidance of the good captain is a running joke now. However, do which form should it be in? I can't decide between the head in a jar and the sex machine.
Technically ra died every night then was reborn every morning
4349920
4349875
4349757
4349725
Cool your jets, peeps, he'll be here soon enough. Just to sate you for now, he'll be the next side fic once the first one is done, along with a triple parter in the original story. When he arrives, however, has yet to be seen. Patience is a virtue. And so is giving the writer praise and chocolates. Mostly chocolates though.
4349937 I was actually hoping to see that it was a running joke to ignore him and when his chapter arrived, he misses the date because of reasons.
4349937
Alright, I'm cool.
ok I want a semi sequel of this of discord going on dates.
I have a small list of ideas here, don't judge me, because I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel...
Zeref the Killing Mage (Fairy Tail)
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Richard the lich (Looking for Group)
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Kakuzu the Earth Grudge Fear (Naruto)
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C.C. the Geass Witch (Code Geass)
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Primus (Transformers {Yes, I know we already used Optimus. Shut up})
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4349725 Yes, yes, a thousand times YES!
Seethra La Vode from the 'Vlad Taltos' series?
Primarch Vulkan from the 'Warhammer 40k' universe?
Doctor Brackman [post brain in a jar] from the 'Supreme Commander' universe?
Count Dracula?
Pelor from the 'World of Greyhawk' Dungeons and Dragons campaign setting?
Saradomin from the 'Runescape' universe?
Wow I need to expand my horizons, I thought I knew way more than these
. Anyway here are a couple of ideas.
Keep up the good work guys.
Hmm...Anubis and Luna... both are extremely popular with only being barely mentioned...badass...dark past...
Shale from Dragon Age: Origins.
4349937
*Sigh*
Fine, what's the mail address?
Yeah, I gotta say, Jack would be a good one for Celestia. He'd be kind, good to her, a great date and have a great finisher... but he may need to leave in the morning, and he'll feel real bad if he's gotta break her hear to to save the universe. But he'll do it.
Any of the Daedric Princes. I can imagine her on a date with Sheogorath, and mentally comparing him to Discord the entire time.
4350115
He'll do it alright.
And Luna.
And Blueblood.
And Cadance.
And Armor.
Definitely Braeburn.
And the Wonderbolts.
And Cloudsdale.
And Manehatten.
All of Equestria shall feel the embrace of the Captain, for millions of years to come, and it will be glorious.
4350132
And due to Magic Biology, they're all going to produce foals. Especially Braeburn.
4350130
They did already.
And Q, who was also played by John de Lancie, one of the greatest actors to ever grace any screen ever.
4350142
I just realized that Braeburn could be their Jack Harkness.
You should try using Lord Bills from Dbz.
Sun goddess dating the god of destruction! Seems kind of interesting.
Alduin from skyrim,
Arceus from pokemon?
The giant chicken from family guy?
4350157
...
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4350181
I know, right?
4350143 which chapters are those?
A tolken elf maybe? Is Legolas's dad single? or Legy himself.
Whoops.
4350191
Chapter 14: You guessed it!
&
Many Bothans died to bring you this chapter
4349937
Holly shit! they trolled you to try Captain ship
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This guy, please. He's technically immortal, considering he can regenerate from a single drop of blood, and he's barred from both Heaven and Hell.
Him eating the sun is fine. No one is gonna talk about the fact he was about to ask her to marry him! On the first date at that.
4349619 Onwards and upwards!
4349633 How could she possibly work past her charge being eaten?
4349698 Trust me, you aren't the only one.
4349879 Thank you kindly.
4349960 I might consider doing that.
~The lizardman is finished
Not sure if he's been suggested yet, but DEADPOOL!
4349788
OMG YES!! Why didn't I think of him??
I love how I saw that coming. Celestia should have expected something like that from a God of Chaos. In fact, she should cross off anyone that has anything to do with chaos, because that'll probably end well.
4350242 are you joking or have you not read this?