“Well, that was a messy job.”
Deadpool stopped in his tracks. “I told you already, it isn’t my fault there weren’t any paper towels in the bathroom!”
Luna lifted up her hoof and grimaced at the blood stain. “You could have at least have used some toilet paper.”
“That was… for something else.”
“Wait, you told me it smelled like that before you got in there!” Solaire said, tapping Deadpool roughly on the shoulder. “Is my comrade lying to his partner in battle? That makes for poor teamwork, and can lead to the death, or worse, death at the bottom of a ravine.”
“How is that worse than death?” Twilight asked? “Isn’t it essentially just dying in the end?”
“If that end is located in a hard to reach area that’s practically impossible to get to, then yes, it is.” Solaire sighed, shaking his head solemnly. “The end so nigh but the reach so far, makes for poor death for all.”
Twilight blinked. “But—”
“Anyone else wanting to question why there was a bathroom right near the cell doors?” Luna interrupted.
Deadpool waved his blood drenched hand dismissively in the air, the rest of his formerly dismembered arms having grown back, sans the costume. So now Deadpool’s freakishly deformed skin could be properly seen, cancerous boils shifting and growing and dying along his body for everyone to see. The blood—graciously this time—managed to cover up the worst of it from view.
“It makes a good idea design wise for me. Done torturing the prisoners? Go drop a big one. Wanna get ready for torturing the prisoners? Prep up in front of the mirror? Get blood on your hands from torturing the prisoners? There’s a sink right there to clean up!” Deadpool rubbed a bloodied hand against his chin, humming under his breath. “Actually, that’s not a half bad idea to use…”
“Can we get back on topic for what’s truly important right now?” Luna asked, glancing back down the seemingly endless empty grey halfway. “Like where we are, and why the Valeyard hasn’t found us yet?”
“We could be in the TARDIS,” Solaire said. “I recall the Doctor mentioning it before during that triple date we partook in. From what I could see when I took a quick glance inside it, it’s smaller on the outside than the inside.”
Twilight smirked and arched a brow at Solaire. “You mean it’s bigger on the inside than the outside?”
“Oh, well, the box itself was already plenty big from my perspective, but then again it doesn’t really appear any smaller than what I could perceive without looking within it. So truthfully speaking the area within the box is fairly larger than the parameter of the box would allow one to suspect.”
Deadpool slammed his head against the wall, Luna wisely taking a few steps away. “Oh goooooooood, you two are totally made for each other it hurts! Just get a room already!”
Solaire raised a finger half-heartedly. “But… there isn’t one.”
“Does that mean you want to get one?” Twilight asked, her smile widening.
“Uh… well… erm. I…” Solaire looked to Deadpool.
Deadpool looked to Luna.
Luna stared at both of them, then glanced behind herself and said, “Oh hey, there’s a door here.”
“How conveniently appropriate for these current settings!” Deadpool proclaimed, walking up to the door with a spring in his steps. After jiggling the handle a few times without success, Deadpool kneeled near the door handle and tappedit with a finger as he nodded his head. “Yes, yes, it appears it’s locked. Luckily, I have a lockpick for events like this.” Deadpool got back up, pulled his leg up high, then kicked it against the doorframe. Repeatedly. After the fourth bone fracture and all ten of his toes were nothing but dust, the door finally gave in and opened with a loud flourish. Hobbling in, Deadpool glanced back to the rest of the group and gave them a thumbs up. “I knew nicknaming my leg lockpick would be a good idea!”
Solaire approached the door handle and wiggled it with his hand, successfully turning it several times. “Deadpool, the door wasn’t locked.”
“Sure it was.”
Luna stared at Deadpool with a deadpan look. “You tried to pull it instead of pushing it, didn’t you?”
“Of course I didn’t.”
“Wait, if you thought it was locked when you tried pulling it, how did you expect to kick the door open when it could have only opened from the other side?” Twilight asked.
Deadpool raised a finger to the group. “And that, children, is a story for another day.”
“Deadpool, that story is today. There’s no other story going on,” Luna pointed out.
“How did you all escape?” the Valeyard asked from his desk. The group immediately turned to him, their presence taken in complete calmness from the villain. He was sitting at a grey desk, much like the rest of the room, with several designs and blueprints on his desk matching that of the TARDIS, the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver, and several other advanced feats of technology.
“Through the use of charades and perseverance!” Deadpool said. “Mostly the perseverance, since everyone else was terrible at charades.”
The Valeyard chuckled, clapping his hands slowly and in an even motion. “Then you have my congratulations. But escape shall not be your savior here. Oh no, not today. For you see, escape shall be your downfall, for you have officially made yourself no longer a use to me and now a hinderance. A hinderance I shall destroy at the utmost of my abilities, until you’re nothing more than a—”
His words were cut off, however, when several dozen bullets impacted his throat, skull, chest, stomach, and groin regions, and then a few dozen more for good measure.
Deadpool yawned, clicking the trigger of his empty submachine gun that was pointed lazily at the Valeyard’s corpse. “Are you done here? Because you’re hella boring, dude. Well, now you’re just dead, but geez, you still manage to be boring dead. Not such a good quality to have, dude.”
“Deadpool, did you just… did you just kill him?!” Luna asked, or rather, shouted, nearly popping the eardrums of everyone in the room.
“Wait, I didn’t?” Deadpool threw his gun at the Valeyard’s head, getting no reaction other than a thump and unblinking eyes. “Wait, no, I did. False alarm, everyone!”
“You just can’t kill him, Deadpool! That’s wrong! Wrong on so many levels!” Twilight said, nearly gagging at the sight of the Valeyard’s corpse.
Solaire nodded. “Especially since we still know nothing of his plans or how we ended up here. We could be lost within this mysterious place forever for all we know.”
“Especially when you all die!” the Valeyard’s corpse proclaimed, back on his feet at an unnatural speed. Now his body started to shift and change, becoming more liquidy and deformed, skin turning green, limbs melting away to slimy tentacles instead. In the Valeyard’s place stood a creature of horrible dimensions. A creature that was a vile green blob, almost like a jellyfish, its tentacles wrapping around Deadpool’s neck and closing it in with a sickening vise-like grip. “Finally, I could drop the act and finish you fools off all by myself!”
“What in my sister’s name are you?” Luna asked, backing away along with Solaire and Twilight from the monster’s tentacle grasp.
“I am a Rutan, one of the greatest shapeshifters in the universe! I was hired to play the part of the Valeyard to keep you idiots occupied while my master played his little game without any interference!” The Rutan laughed, its voice harsh and almost mechanical. “But now that you’ve escaped I have free range to kill you as I please, and there’s nothing you can do to stop—hey, wait, where are you going?”
“Out of the kill range!” Twilight shouted, her and the rest backing out of the room and running down the hall. “Deadpool, don’t kill him until you get some answers!”
The Rutan laughed. “Kill me?” It regarded the floundering Deadpool in its tentacles with what could be considered a smirk if it had a mouth. “This pathetic creature? You couldn’t even do that with your guns, much less your weak, human arms.”
The Rutan screamed, Deadpool being released instantly. Hopping off the floor with a bounce in his feet, Deadpool held up both of his katana blades. “You forgot about these awesome, human blades I have on me!”
The Rutan’s tentacles continued to bleed a disgusting green liquid that squirted everywhere across the room. Focusing in on Deadpool, it said, “You… YOU UNCIVILIZED MONKEY! I’ll turn you into paste on the walls!”
“Not the best pre-mortem one-liner I’ve heard, but hey, you’re just a cheap production-value blob, so I wasn’t expecting much.” Deadpool laid on katana blade atop the other, snapping them together repeatedly in a cutting motion as he drew closer to the Rutan. “Now for you to hear a good one-liner for the king of those quips himself! Now I finally get to see who will win: scissors or blob!”
Another excellent chapter.
Oh, this is just divine. Stay classy, Bobby
That door thing is hurting my brain... if it's a push type door wouldn't kicking it work just fine?
What an amateur he is.
4965532
It is. But Deadpool thought it was a pull kind. And a pull kind is MUCH harder to break down than a push kind. So much so it'd practically break the door in half rather than force open the door. Yet that doesn't deter Deadpool!
4965532
4965572
Of course, if you have ever tried to kick in a push door, it's actually very difficult. It's easier when it's locked because it doesn't move when you hit it. (Deadpool didn't care that the door was moving. He cared that it wasn't breaking down)
Deadpool. You are what they refer to in German as Herr Dumkoff.
Oh god my sides. XD
4965572 4965622
It might be just that it's late and I'm tired but I think I'm getting what I consider to be pull and push doors mixed up,
I get left and right confused on a regular basis so I'm not entirely surprised,
4965742 Pull doors are the ones with the protruding handle you can grab and lean backwards to open.
Push doors generally open if you walk into them, and don't have handles (unless the door is made of glass. then there's a bar meant to be pushed on. Please don't push on the glass. It's a pain to clean.)
4965761
So if the door is a push door... the only thing keeping it from swinging freely is the latch, and not part of the frame itself. Wouldn't that just like, bust open with one good kick?
As opposed to a pull door, which if you're trying to kick it down, has not just the latch but the frame itself keeping it from moving away from the kicker?
I'll get this eventually; I swear I will!
4965787 You would think. But then it swings closed again, the bastard.
4965797
static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Oh+now+I+get+it..+That+s+what+she+meant_47116c_4231794.gif
4965787
And here I thought the reveal the Valeyard wasn't even the Valeyard would confuse people. :V
Okay, I don't really know anything about Deadpool but it sounds like he has some sort of imperfect regeneration capability. He can grow stuff back but his body is in a constant state of flux.
Still waiting for Solaire to start kicking ass a bit. Owning the Valeyard with a Lightning Spear to the face would be a good crowning moment of awesome, I think.
"Why do you even bother to oppose me, foolish knight? Do you think your actions will somehow turn her gaze back to you? That she will just forget about that repulsive curse that you so willingly chose to embrace? IMBECILE! She's made it perfectly clear why she rejected you, and no amount of heroic deeds or selfless acts will change her mind!"
"...Perhaps. Though a heartless fiend like yourself is far from better in comparison. You see, even if one were to look past your nefarious motives, there's one thing you've forgotten to do. Something even I with my ever-hollowing memory remember to do each day."
"And what is that?"
*Charges up a Lightning Spear*
"To praise the sun, bitch!"
I love this chapter.
4966552
-Deadpool's autobiography (Read: tvtropes page)
Though seriously, he wears the mask because without it he looks like Freddy Kreuger
Ahh, but stay the course for intercourse~!
4965904 Not as rare as you'd think. Deception, minions, lackeys, and schemes are all part and parcel with the whole villain thing. Everyone expected a millennia-old, universally evil mastermind who has seemingly vast knowledge of the cosmos and all things therein- to NOT do things straightforward.
In a lot of human cultures, the Doctor would be considered a deity, and after describing him, they would be right to do so.
Does anyone else see the development between Twilight and Solaire being more captivating than Celestia's constant flops? Her dates are funny, but its almost becoming as repetitive as the T.V. show, "House". Or Nickelback...
4966597
Why not:
'Do you even praise the sun?'
Or...
'Learn how to Dark Souls, fag!'
4973362 "Do you even praise, son!?"
Get it, "sun," "son?'
I'll show myself out.
4973362 What are you, casul?
4973362 I am a dark soul... no i am lying i am just Lord of pies and ruler of the muffin kingdom and maker oofCheese. CHEESE for everyone No i got only one cheese who are you Do you want the wabbajack of staffs? some called me a baker but in true i am a Mad docter
Well. You know a guy's run outta insults when he says that.
Deadpool!!!YOU CANT JUST KILL PEOPLE!!!