- Member Since 2nd Apr, 2013
- offline last seen March 16th
thesilentpony
Darkness will always end up out lasting the light.
thesilentpony
Joined 2nd Apr, 2013 ·
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jeez this premise could have carried a fic on its own why add rape?
This. Is. Fucked. Up. Scootaloo was a shy little shit around dash this is fucking weird as shit rape much
Hmm, A fair number of grammar errors and some questionable phrasing but All in all a good story. Keep up the good work.
2853227
you're right that could be a while entire fic in of itself, if you write it let me know i'd love to read it
On a scale from one to wonderful, thats wonderful kid. I really enjoyed this fic, even though the rape wasn't one hundred percent needed, it still added some of that "EXTRA SEXUAL TENSION" or w/e you kids call it now a day.
2853239
like what exactly? i double checked this, are you talking about comma placement or something? because i don't see anything wrong grammar wise
yea too much violence for this to be sexy
2853264
Okay, so the first paragraph.
"let out" should be "let it out", and I'm guessing that's meant to be red-violet "mane"? It could use a comma after red-violet mane, and I'd probably change "edge" to "end" as well, as it makes more sense for hair.
"which" should be "that", and the last part of the sentence could do with a bit of changing to avoid ambiguity. There's some missing commas in there as well. Something like "towards the sky where a large, white, fluffy cloud slowly twisted, fading to nothing."
It's the little things like that which can detract from the writing overall. Practice makes perfect, especially when it comes to writing, so keep at it and you'll start picking up on those mistakes easily. And of course you could always try and get an editor on board to spot the errors that you become edit-blind to after re-reading it a few times. The story itself is great, though. Good work.
2853308
really?! i thought i was pretty mellow(or rather compared to the other stuff i write)
2853310
oh crap i can't believe i missed those
2853318 The best advice Is to get someone else to look over your work. Your own eye will miss things because your mind is thinking how it should go instead of seeing how it is written.
wasent saying it was bad just not my cup of tea per say
2853331
true, but i stopped looking for editors long ago sadly, mostly because no one likes to correct the subjects i write
2853332
mines just rather dark
that's fine, i know everyone has a type
I like what boy Scootaloo looks like, but this story took a turn I was not prepared for.
I even read the description!
2854474
added rape warning
I still think Rainbow Dash give up to soon.
Everything else... good I guess.
....one question. How does Scootaloo know about sex? She's about ten, well mentally.
WHERE'S THE SEQUEL?
2854971
it's a one off, i never designed it to be more than that, if i had, the story line wouldn't have just been this one event, it would've built up to it, but that's like all my one offs, they can easily be made into full blown stories or have a great ability to be made into them
2855285
well no in this she/he's much older, plus i knew what sex was when i was 4 so even if she is ten she could understand sex
2855362
who said Dash gave up? She was still fighting in the end, just in too much pain to stop Scootaloo and she needed to heal
More?
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/38214783.jpg
2858418
Ever read a book?
2855362
2856797
since at least two have asked i will consider writing a second one of this, but it wouldn't be for a while, or i might add a second chapter or two, that is do able
2853239
I can't stop looking at your avi. Beautifully done*claps*
2914346 Why thank you. It was a commission done by the wonderful Mixipony on tumblr if you wanna get one yourself,
2855362
WHERE
IS
THE
SEQUEL!?
GIVE IT TO ME AND ILL GIVE YOU A SPIKE
OR IF YOU NOT...
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
2924594
i'm working on it
but it'll take a little while, i have a lot of things to do
Yay! Possible sequel!
I really like to see a sequel to this story
Aside from the poor grammar and word use, this story also reeks of implausibility. The main character does not even begin to resemble Scootaloo, the action is rushed where detail was needed, monotonous where it should have been exciting, and altogether implausible. Rainbow Dash is far too easy a victim, not questioning the situation of her capture or trying to leave the moment Scootaloo clarified her intentions. Also, one would think that a strong mare like Rainbow Dash would be able to fight off most stallions, but in this story she gets thrown around in an almost cartoonish manner. This could be justified if she were elderly and Scootaloo was in his prime, but that is never even suggested, as I imagine it would decrease her appeal as a victim of sexual assault. Furthermore, Scootaloo's motivation doesn't add up. Why would she have herself transformed into a male if she wasn't even concerned with Rainbow Dash's consent? Why didn't Rainbow recognize her? It seems like she was gone for a while, why didn't anyone question her dissapearance? What answers you give are rushed and unsatisfying. If you had spent more time answering these questions and establishing a more developed tone, this would have at least been a competent fic, even if the content is objectionable to most. However, as it stands, this story is terrible.
3184503
wow rip me a new on why don't you lol
first off poor grammar, on that you can fuck off, i stopped caring about that a long time ago, getting editors for my stories is nearly impossible, i was turned down by three for this very story, which is why grammar is bad, no one but me looked over this and my grammar is just bad
as for rushed details, i must have missed it, only went over this once, but more to the point i write this so i will enjoy this, i don't like overly long details for action or much of any for that matter, if it's straight to the point and you know what's happening then it's good to me, it's just how i write
to question the mind of an insane man is to question the mind of god, it's simply not something you can begin to understand
that and there
okay first and for most scootaloo is a filly character which has no real character building in the show hell you haven't even seen her house or anything other than a few short details, you know nothing about her, so until she has been fully created you can't say anything is out of bounds period. it's simply not far fetched to have someone go insane for no reason
it's not implausible it's entirely possible, especially with Equestria being f'ing invaded every other week! who know's what might have happen, should i have added a bit more detail into the background, probably, but that doesn't make it any less believable that scootaloo just might do something like this especially since she's obsessed with dash
you've clearly never been beaten to an inch of your life or had a bad wound, even the strongest will fall to a broken limb or deep cut, not only did Dash get cut on her leg, but she was punched and thrown around like a doll hitting walls and rolling on the floor, even had her wing dislocated
this was very much a one sided fight because Dash simply didn't have time to react and by the time she realized she needed to defend herself she was too hurt to do so, hell even when she punched scootaloo it had no real effect so
she/he wanted dash to become her brood mare, what more motivation does scootaloo need to want to enslave dash?
dash already rejected her once, she would do it again, that was stated with the motivation
scootaloo didn't disappear she left, if she had disappeared then i'm sure some pony would have wondered what happen, but yet again that was in the story, you've missed a few parts apparently or just didn't get the message
then finally for you last thing because this is a way long reply
some of these question didn't occur to me therefore no way of me answering them in the story, either i didn't think of them or i didn't think they applied
as for this story being terrible, 51 people disagree with you with 26 favs so fuck off, in no way is a story ever terrible, it might not be readable, might not have a good story line in some people options, or grammar but since you in yourself have not made a better story than me(nor will you ever, hell even my scrap writing is better than anything that could ever exist or be made by man kind) or as a matter of fact anyone
you cannot be on any kind of ground to say anything is terrible, so before saying something so utterly rude and stuck up consider that all it does is make you look like you have no sense of writing or story creation
while yes you might bring up a few good points, you really need to reconsider your approach if you don't want to be passed off as an angry know nothing
3184642
When I said the story was terrible, I was providing my impression as a reader. Even if I haven't written any stories for the site, I have read many, and yours is among the worst.
As for grammar, it is not hard to fix that yourself, just read it out loud and endeavor to improve your own grammar.
Scootaloo does have many elements of a defined character, and even insane characters have motivation and reason behind their actions.
As for Dash fighting back, your justifications for her helplessness are weak. Even if she is injured at first, she was still mostly unhurt; she would have beaten Scootaloo to a pulp given how many chances she was provided. The only reason she didn't is because you made her weaker than she normally is for the sake of the rape fantasy. That is weak storytelling, and it left this reader unsatisfied.
Despite my tone, I am only offering my critique to give you information on how someone might receive your work in hopes that you can use that to improve your writing. If you disagree, that is fine, but you shouldn't feel the need to be defensive or attack me as a user.
3185239
yeah i never learned that high of grammar, mostly because i had like nightmare bad disabilities with English, the fact i can write is amazing as many of my teachers said, its' not an easy thing to learn as you believe
he/she wanted to have foals with dash, you can't do that if you a girl that's all the motivation one needs, she was madly in love with dash, i don't' know exactly what more you want from that
i could have made dash stronger but really she would've still lost
I WILL TAKE IT ALL!!!!!
and i love your comments by the way
3185270
Okay, then the grammar is understandable, but I would still try to put more into proofing your work. If anything, it would make your writing clearer.
The odd part to me was that she was in love with Dash as a filly too. Did she want to have kids with Rainbow then too? How did that effect her sense of identity? That seems like an extremely interesting topic that I did not see explored.
To me, it would have been more interesting if Dash was stronger. Even if it ended in the same way, the lack of credible struggle deprived the story of tension. Also, making her more competent appeals to those who love her as a character, and want to see her at her best, even if she fails.
I am glad you enjoy my comments, I just hope they are of some use.
3185491
when i write the squeal i will make sure to add that in, i'll explain it much more now that i know about it
plus it was said that he wanted her to get better and fight her at full power, which she will
in fact if you'd like to be a pre reader for that to help point out these problems i'd be very happy
3185536
If you send me a link to a draft I would be able to give it a once over, though I cannot promise too much beyond basic comments and grammar fixes.
3185780
would still be better than what i could do on my own
2853338 i might not be expeirienced in writing or editing but i would love to be an editor for subjects like this
2855285 a while later? after all S/he has his/her cutie mark
Good but the way scoots talks feels robotic and monotone hell I've seen better dialog in the fallout raiders from the game and they want to rape and kill you. Well OK that's a bad comparison but just sayn it doesn't feel like how she would talk crazy or not. Still screw those critics who insult this story I've seen a sonic crossover where character s and forms apper randomly for no god dam resin ex: rainbow dash and sonic fight an unown villan but hey cus its night sonic just turns into the werhog for no reason after the fight sonic 'explains' how he turned of course he doesn't actually explain. POINTLESS PLOTHOLE cus he used dark gias energy to transform but there's none in equstria wtf. If you ever... EVER make a fic that random with that many plot holes I'll give your story a negative 999,999,999 out of 10 also if you can read the dam thing and it at least looks and sounds believable than gramer is 5/10 irelavant to the story you sir get a 9/10 oh and that sequel better be worth it. Pls fix how she talks...... Edit: scoot talks a bit like celestia.
3450162
yeah i was working on this while i was doing Scootaloo's Master and it was more of a binge because i couldn't give scootaloo power in the other fic and it probably turned out worse than if i was just working on this
So not love, that is lust, pure and simple.
all i have to say is it would be awesome if this is how scootaloo's master ended...
if you know what i mean becoase master has a lot of power
im so messed up cuz of you
but still love your fics
Target Acquired.
Rape-Face Online.
Engage!
4691250
learn to use the link button